I woke up exhausted a while ago. The horrors of that night keep on haunting me in my sleep and sometimes I don’t know what to do with it anymore. It’s my constant reminder that I will forever be marked with these scars that man left me and honestly I am still so scared.... what if this happens again?
It has been a year since that night, that first time. Don’t get me wrong though. We did not have sex. Well, we almost did (if our friends didn’t come to accompany me). It was the night of his 17th birthday. He was my bestfriend. We went to different universities in college and yeah sure I have missed him that’s why I decided to throw a party for him at his house. It was nice. It was fun. We were with our friends and for once in a long time we felt like we’re back in high school all over again. No stress. No hassle. Since he was my bestfriend, we were already comfortable with each other. We have been friends for six fucking years that time. I know him from head to toe. We are basically two peas in a pod. He’s almost like a brother to me. The night started innocent. We were laughing and crying and reminiscing and we just miss hanging out with each other. College has been tough for the two of us. Then he started to ask me, what my love life has been in college and I said I have no time for that because my schedule is all fucked up and I have a lot of school stuff to do and that I am so exhausted I feel like I don’t have time to stress myself over some guy.... he listened to my rants and I thanked him for that. I was so tired and sleepy I decided to call it a night but then he started to hug me. Well, I hugged him back. It was no big deal. It was just a hug. We’ve been hugging each other since we we’re 11 years old. It was a tight hug then I gave him a kiss in the cheek. Told him “good night” then I turned my back. What happened afterwards that tight hug got beyond my control and honestly I never thought he can do that to me.
You started touching my breasts and I was so shocked I got up and I told you to stop. I said “no we are not doing this” but you fucking insisted. You said that I would like it. I told you for the second time “no. im not doing it with you.” You fucking grabbed my arm then you pinned me down. YOU FUCKING PINNED ME DOWN AND THEN YOU TOLD ME TO CLOSE MY EYES AND ENJOY IT. FOR THE THIRD TIME, I SAID NO. FOR THE THIRD TIME, YOU DID NOT LISTEN. YOU STARTED BITING MY NECK THEN KISSING IT AFTERWARDS. I KEPT ON SAYING NO. YOU KEPT ON DOING WHAT YOU WERE DOING. I TRIED PUSHING YOU OFF BUT YOU WERE STRONG AND I AM SO TIRED AND I AM SO SCARED. YOU STARTED TOUCHING MY BREASTS AGAIN. I SAID NO. BUT YOU STILL DID NOT LISTEN. AFTER THAT FOURTH “NO”, I HAVE LOST ALL CONTROL. YOU STARTED TO TAKE CONTROL AND YOU MADE ME FEEL LIKE I ASKED FOR IT.
After all that, I told myself maybe I did want it. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe it was my fault I did not scream. Maybe it was my fault I did not fight back. Maybe it was my fault because I could have prevented it, right? So I tried to shrug it off. You said you don’t things to get awkward between us and I said “sure, it wont”. We were friends. I told myself that I can let this pass because you were my bestfriend. But after all that shit that I had endured for you and for our friendship, you fucking molested me again for the second time this year and after all that I don’t know what to do anymore.
What hurts the most was when you asked me what would my future partner think of me when he or she finds out that I have slept with other people before? You made me feel cheap. You made me feel so low. You made me think that I am just a girl that guys and girls sleep around with and after all that I don’t deserve the fairy tale love story because I will always be that girl. That girl you just fuck around with. That I have no substance. That I am just a piece of meat. YOU CREATED THAT GIRL. TWICE. YOU DID THAT TO ME TWICE. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE MY BESTFRIEND BUT BESTFRIENDS DONT DO THAT KIND OF SHIT. I FUCKING TRUSTED YOU. YOU SAID YOU WONT DO ANYTHING TO HURT ME BUT WHY DID YOU DO THAT? YOU MADE ME FEEL LIKE I BEGGED FOR IT. YOU MADE ME WEAK, TWICE. YOU MADE ME FEEL WEAK TWICE.
I am done denying to myself. I am done shrugging you off. This ends everything. You no longer have a friend in me. I am done. I am tired. You disgust me. You betrayed me. You are done. We are done.
I hate you for doing all those things to me. You made me this person that I never thought I’ll ever become. It was never my fault. It has always been yours.
