☾ Aluminum & Parachutes ☽

I search for you and think about hypothetical situations of “what ifs” and “maybe one day”. I wait notification after notification for your name. I re-live the memories of laughter, closeness, and intimacy. 

Good memory is a gift and a curse. 

I used to make fun of those girls who would cry over breakups. I’d tell myself I'm never going to be one of those girls; I’ll be smart, I’ll be cautious, and I’ll protect myself.

I didn’t. 

I thought I could indulge a little. Why not? I wanted to be apart of the romantic fluff that I missed out on. I wanted to spend time with you. I wanted to get those infamous stomach butterflies for you. I wanted to smile with you. 

I wanted more than a side role.

This insomniac mindset of you is devouring me. I think to myself: what did I do wrong? I wasn’t good enough. How could I be so stupid? You told me you were going to be honest. Why did I think this could be different?

I invested so much time and energy into you, for nothing. 

It’s not the dishonesty, the cowardness, or the sex that burdens me. It’s the stupidity that I thought a second chance would change things. It’s the obsession I have over something that never developed into more than just an immature boy who got bored and needed a new toy. It’s the realization that I miss you but I know I deserve better than you.

I know it’s going to be expensive, but as usual I will work my damn ass off to pay for it.

I don't care if I lose money in the long run, all the proceeds are going to a non-profit. At least the money is going to a wonderful place.