Foolishly, just as Saeran had begun to believe that maybe just maybe his shattered heart and his broken sense of self were slowly mending themselves, everything came crashing down. The memories were still hazy or maybe that was just the disbelief talking, but he remembered all the things he wished he could forget: a crash. A drunk driver. The drunk driver that murdered Saeyoung and his wife, Mi-Cha. Someone needed to identify the bodies and someone to take care of their 5 year old daughter, Saerom.
That someone was him.
When he got the call, he stumbled back, his legs feeling heavier than they’d ever felt. The moment he hung up, his shaky knees gave out from under him and before he knew it, he was on the floor hugging them as he rocked back and forth. A pained scream rang in his ears and burned his throat. After 20+ years of life with a brother, he was all alone. Just when the two had finally been reunited, they were already torn apart.
All his life, Saeran suffered. It was so frequent, he was used to it, numb to it. Just when he thought he’d experienced it all and suffered through the worst of it, he lost his brother. No amount of beatings from his mother or even betrayal from Saeyoung could even hold a candle to the soul-wrenching pain of losing his twin- his best friend.
The sound of blood rushing through his ears multiplied by the second followed by an uncontrollable stream of sharp, shallow breaths. No matter how many deep breaths he tried taking or how many times he wiped his eyes, he kept hyperventilating and he kept crying.
There was no way of telling how much time had passed. It could have been 10 minutes or it could have been an hour, but finally, with a shaky breath, he teetered to his unsteady feet and made his way to the car. Now wasn’t the time to be pathetic or self-pitying. Saerom was counting on him.
He drove numbly to the police station. Not once did he realize he had driven the whole way in silence and hadn’t reached for the radio, and not once did he even feel present throughout the drive. As he arrived at the station, he took another deep breath. With the sleeves of his leather jacket, wiped his damp, red rimmed eyes. “God..” he muttered before slamming the door to his brother’s sport’s car and ducking into the station.
There was a brief discussion with several officers he wasn’t mentally present for, along with what seemed to be a never ending cycle of giving and receiving paperwork to some frizzy-haired woman sitting at a desk. “She’s right through those doors,” the woman offered, vaguely gesturing to several sets of doors.
Thankfully or unthankfully, it didn’t take long to find his niece. Through the walls, her muffled and uneasy voice seemed crystal clear, “Where are my mommy and daddy?! Why won’t you let me see them?” Her words froze Saeran in place. He closed his eyes and pinched the area between his brows. With a deep breath and another quick wipe beneath his eyes, he opened the door.
He wasn’t sure who looked worse: her or him. It was entirely apparent that despite not understanding the situation, she had been crying just as long as he had if not longer. The moment she saw him, her puffy eyes lit up and she threw her arms around his waist. “Uncle Saeran! Why won’t anybody let me see mommy and daddy?” She cried. Then softer, into his shirt, she said, “I’m scared!”
The phrase made his eyes burn as he choked back a sob of his own. “Hey, it’s-” He wasn’t sure he could bring himself to say the words, but as her big, innocent eyes met his own, he sighed and knelt to her level, “It’s gonna be okay,” he assured her, giving her shoulder a light squeeze. “Don’t be scared. I’m gonna.. I’m gonna take care of you, all right? I promise.” Though she clearly didn’t understand the weight of his words just yet, his words seemed to calm her and she nodded.
“Good,” he replied with another shaky breath. Slowly, he brought himself to a standing position, using remarkable effort not to wobble at all. He reached out his hand, which the little girl quickly took in her own. “But we… gotta talk... Let’s go for ice cream.”
***
In all honesty, despite losing his mother close to the same age, he had absolutely no idea how to break the news to her. After all, nobody broke the news to him. He simply walked into a burned down house and was told by officers it was a crime scene. Saeran waited until she finished her ice cream before breaking the news to her in as soft and calm of a voice as he could manage. He found himself choking up multiple times and he did wipe a few stray tears from his own eyes, but it was nothing compared to the young girl’s own emotions.
Saeromi took the news almost as badly as he did. She must have had a similar IQ to her father, considering she seemed to grasp the concept of death right away. “Why would they leave me?” she cried. “How could they leave me?” All he could do was hold her in his arms and tell her the truth. “I don’t know..” he whispered. “I don’t know..”
After sitting on the cold outside bench of the ice cream shop and going through what must have been half the staff’s napkins, Saerom finally had worked herself up into silence. She was quiet on the way to the car and she was quiet the entire ride home, save for the sound of her sniffles and her hushed whimpers.
“Are you taking me home?” she finally asked. “Umm.. no, hun. We’re gonna be in my apartment for a while.” His response was clearly the wrong answer because somehow, all it did was make her crying louder and more hysterical.
By the time they arrived in his apartment, it was already dark. Items were skewed about the room and it certainly wasn’t suitable for a child.. Not to mention, he didn’t have anywhere for her to sleep. “So while we’re figuring things out, why don’t you sleep in my bed and I’ll sleep here on the couch.” She furrowed her brows then asked, “Are you going to bed now, Uncle Saeran?” With hesitation, he replied, “No, I’m not..” Saerom crawled up onto the couch, “Then, can I stay up with you just a little longer please? I don’t wanna be by myself..”
“Of course. Umm, let me get you a blanket..” Considering there was no blanket other than the comforter on his bed, all he had was a spare set of sheets to throw around her, but thankfully, she didn’t seem to mind. Saemi’s alertness gradually decreased until she finally fell asleep, using his arm as a pillow. All that crying must have taken a toll on the poor girl. He carefully brushed her hair away from her eyes.
If he was being truthful, he was procrastinating.
The last thing he wanted to do after a day from Hell like today was tell more people that Saeyoung and his wife had passed, but it just didn’t sit right with him to leave the rest of the RFA to go about their lives assuming one of their best friends was alive and well when some coroner was likely bicep deep in his chest cavity removing his organs by now.
Tears formed in his eyes as he typed his messages and his fingers shook as he pressed send, but they read:
[MESSAGE]: I have very bad news.
[MESSAGE]: It’s so bad, I don’t even know how to say it so I’ll just say it out right.
[MESSAGE]: Saeyoung and Mi-Cha were in a crash and now they’re dead.
[MESSAGE]: Saerom is safe, thank God. She’s under my custody now, so I will not be around for a while.
[MESSAGE]: I have to arrange his funeral, and I also have to figure out how to raise a 5 year old.
He wrote and deleted several messages before finally settling on his last line as:
[MESSAGE]: But we will manage, I’m sure..
***
Of course, the next morning was no better than the one before it.
“Mr. Choi,” a distant voice called.
No response.
There was a throat clearing and then again, louder and more impatient this time, a voice called, “Mr. Choi!” Saeran’s red-rimmed eyes finally met the man in the suit’s eyes- the coroner. “Have you decided on your brother’s casket?” The man asked. “Oh, uh.. not.. not yet,” he replied, his own sleep-deprived eyes going back to the lifeless caskets that looked nothing like anything his brother would ever want to be stuck in.
Just then, Saerom sat up on the couch with a yawn. Immediately, he stood from his chair and closed the book to hide the pictures. “Saerom, what are you doing up so early?” He asked.
“I couldn’t sleep that well,” She replied, rubbing her eyes. Then, she lifted her pointer finger and pointed to the book, What’s that?”
He silently cursed himself for not putting it behind his back in time. He glanced down at it once before forcing a grin at her. “Don’t worry about it, hun. I’ll make you some breakfast, okay?”
The little girl shook her head. “If it’s about mommy and daddy, I want to see.”
Reluctantly he took his seat and opened the book back up. He gestured to the seat next to him, but to his surprise, she crawled onto his lap instead. “What’s this?” She asked, pointing to one of the caskets.
“Umm, that’s..” He awkwardly cleared his throat, “-it’s the place mommy and daddy are gonna stay while you’re growing up. We want to pick someplace nice for them and we have to pick what they’ll wear, too.”
She thought for a moment, then she said, “Daddy would want to live in a Honey Buddha Chips bag.”
He almost grinned at that. “That would be perfect, but I don’t think they have that exactly.. Maybe we can find a similar color to the bag, though. See if you think your mommy or daddy would like any of these, okay?” He asked, pointing to the pictures.
“Daddy has to wear his hoodie and his headphones,” she said, glancing up at him. It wasn’t a question. It was a statement. That was what he was going to wear.
The man in the tuxedo put a hand on her shoulder and replied in a condescending tone, “Dear, most people’s daddies wear tuxedos, not hoodies.” He opened his mouth to say more, but Saeran shook his head. “No, she’s right. He would want to wear his hoodie and his headphones, so that’s what he should be buried in.” He turned to his niece and put a hand on her head, “And we’ll put a bag of Honey Buddha Chips in there for him, okay?”
“And Ph.D Pepper, too?” She asked.
For the first time since Saeyoung died, Saeran cracked the hint of a grin. “And Ph.D Pepper, too,” he repeated as he ruffled her hair.
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It took several seconds of blinking and staring before he finally found words. Her response had truly taken him aback, mostly because it wasn’t a response at all. “...I see..” he said finally, which, in all fairness, wasn’t much of a response, either.
A hand cradled his chin in thought. Considering how many middle aged women in horrible floral patterns traipsed around the store, Saeran was simply shocked that he had been chosen out of all people for gardening advice.
“Well..” he replied hesitantly, “I assume if you’re asking, you’re a beginner?” He risked another quick glance for confirmation, but when none was given, he continued, “It depends what you want to grow. Perhaps you’re looking for more of an edible option, but if it’s flowers you’re looking for, I would suggest cosmos flowers.” His hand cupped around the velvety petals of a dark red flower.
“They’re quite low maintenance and come in many colors, including black.” One look at her clothes (and perhaps the fact that she had chosen him for help instead of an elderly woman) hinted that might be her preference. “They withstand draughts and grow in poor soil, not to mention they attract butterflies. You’ll really have to work hard to kill them.”
text post sentence starters / original version here
“bro, you look so cute right now. dude, you are so fucking adorable.”
“wanna watch this murder documentary with me?”
“i may act like i’m sassy but if you’re mean to me there’s a 900% chance i’ll cry.”
“i may act like I’m clueless but actually know what’s going on at al times.”
“attention: i need attention.”
“i don’t have a nervous system. i’m a nervous system.”
“drugs? no thanks, the only ‘high’ i need is the natural rush you get from commiting a murder.”
“i think i’m subconsciously trying to ruin my own life.”
“why fall in love when you can fall on the floor and never get up?”
“i try not to sound like an asshole but it’s really hard because i am an asshole.”
“i don’t want to look ‘pretty’, i want to look otherwordly and vaguely threatening.”
“i’m the nicest, sweetest, most rage-filled person i know.”
“girls are so soft and amazing and nice and beautiful and mysterious and complex and loving and caring. i don’t remember what i was going to say but i’m just gay.“
“i’d love to relax but that’s just not realistic.”
“contrary to popular belief i’m actually soft and have feelings.”
“this could be less hetero.”
“to be honest i just need a hug.”
“why can’t I be mentally chill instead of mentally ill?”
“this is it, this is how i die: lack of attention.”
“are we just friends or is this flirting serious?”
“i have this problem where i isolate myself from civilization and then get upset because i’m lonely.”
“i may be ugly but at least i have an ugly personality too. consistency is key.”
“i don’t wanna get involved in drama i just wanna know 103% of the information on what happened.”
“i am bysexual as in i’m not interested, goodbye.”
“i could win an olympic gold medal in being ignored.”
“fill your heart with bees. if someone breaks your heart then they have to deal with the bees.”
“i’m so tired of not being a multimillionaire.”
“i panic a lot of other places besides the disco.”
“which layer of hell do you think you’re going to?”
“my kink is being right.”
“my kink is being home alone.”
“you’re really sensitive for a selfish asshole.”
“i can tell myself to be heartless but in all reality, i have a big heart and can’t treat people badly, that’s just not me.”
“what about netflix and kill?”
“no offense but why does everyone hate me?”
“i’m a strong independent introvert who don’t need no social life.”
“why do i get struggles instead of snuggles?”
“if a conversation goes on too long without being about me, i’m out.”
“i’m small, queer and something to fear.”
“all this sadness is bad for my skin.”
“i’m cute and perfect but also unstable, violent and self-destructive”
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“Here, I saved some for you. Try it?” // from Onixiri!!! 🥺🍙
Non-romantic Fluff Starters with @onxiri + x
"No way.." He breathed incredulously, eyeing the piece of wrapped Yule Log on a paper plate. "You saved some for me?" Saeran self consciously wiped his mouth with the sleeve of his beige sweater just on the off chance that he was actually salivating over this dreamy-looking dish.
Since the day Tohru mentioned Yule Logs to him, they simply plagued his thoughts, as desserts often did. How did this Japanese dish taste? Was it as creamy as it looked? How did they get it that shape?
Hesitantly, Saeran took a seat in front of the plate. He eyed Tohru in part to silently ask permission to eat and in part because her constant selflessness truly made him, to be frank, suspicious.
There were countless reasons Saeran could think of as to why he might be more distrustful than the average person: his hateful mother, his abduction, the fact that he had drugs tested on him like an animal. Don't get him wrong, Tohru seemed extraordinarily sweet... It's just.. How did he know her thoughtful gifts didn't come with a secret cost?
"Are you sure it's okay?" He asked with a small blush, "I mean, it's not even my birthday or anything.."
With slow movements, he reached to open the zip lock bag, but just as soon as his fingertips hit the zipper, they froze. "Wait a second.. Are you just messing with me?"
Flashbacks from what was either a nightmare or a repressed memory came back to him in choppy segments: A homemade strawberry cake in the hands of his mother, placed before his starving child self. Him asking if he was really allowed to eat it. The sting of his cheek as his mother struck his face with the back of her hand. The cruel words she said with an even crueler smile, "You don't deserve this! Not in your dreams and not even in Hell!"
They replayed over and over again in his mind. Damaging his trust. Damaging him.
So it was fair to say he wasn't entirely trusting of Tohru's undeserved kindness.
Finally, after an encouraging nod from Tohru, he bit into his first ever Yule Log! The first bite was filled with a heavenly chocolate ganache. The second bite was when he noticed the subtleties of the whipped marscapone. With his third bite, both his mind and tummy were too happy to even think about all the delicious and complex flavors tying themselves together.
Once his chewing ceased and he no longer had a mouth full of yule log, his eyes crinkled with excitement. "Wow! Sooo good," he replied, nodding insistently. "Japan officially celebrates Christmas better than Korea. I think I'd rather spend Christmas in Japan, anyway. I can only take so much of Saeyoung rearranging our giant 'Santa' letters to say 'Satan'."
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“I’m not sure how well this plan was thought through.” // from Yoosung (@ofstarchild)
Disney + Pixar Starters + @ofstarchild + x
It was lucky for Yoosung's sake the two had a serious distance between them because otherwise, he just might have suffered a punch in the gut. “Wait, what do you mean nobody thought this plan through?!” he seethed. His cheeks burned with such ferocity he was shocked it didn't melt his headset right off his head. “You're the one who came up with the plan!! You’re telling me just now when we’re about to go to battle that you didn't think it through?!”
He pinched the space between his brows for several seconds, hearing only static and silence on Yoosung’s line as he took several deep breaths that were likely audible due to his microphone. Finally, when his irritation had calmed slightly, he lifted his gaze back up to his own avatar and Yoosung’s staring back at him on his computer screen. They looked just as dumb and confused as the pair were in real life.
“Please tell me you're not about to lead us into a death match knowing this is my third time ever playing this game,” he said. He almost added, ‘playing this game for you!’
Hello!
He didn't play this confusing game for his own enjoyment!
“Well, it's too late to turn back now, so you better be as good at this game as you say you are. You know I'm super under leveled and inexperienced, so if you march me to my death right now, then...”
He frowned slightly. “Uh, actually, I haven't really played this game enough to know what happens if you march me to my death, but if you do, you're buying me ice cream because this is bad for my anxiety!”
" are you ready ? " // A CUTE SEVEN AND SAERAN BROTHERLY DATE LFKJSD
@ofhacked + x
"No," he blurted almost immediately."This is stupid. I look like an idiot.”
While he might have been too presumptuous to say whether or not this activity was stupid before he even tried it, he did know he looked stupid. He sported a flamboyant red helmet, courtesy of his brother, that fit him annoyingly well. And just when he thought he couldn't look any more dumb, his brother whipped out a set of elbow and knee pads to match.
At least the color matched the burning red color his cheeks turned at the sight of all of these safety precautions.
Despite the combat boot his foot was enclosed in, his toes curled instinctively to catch his wobbly balance as he teetered back and forth on the skateboard. His shaky hands dug into his elder brother’s shoulders for balance, but Saeyoung didn't seem to mind. In fact, the grin on his face told Saeran that this was his brother’s twisted idea of fun.
With one last attempt at a plea, he sighed, “Seriously, Hyung… Do I really have to learn to skateboard? I mean, what if your weirdo Neighbor Todd sees or something.” While he had spoken to Saeyoung’s neighbor several times, he apparently hadn't cared for him enough to even remember his name correctly.
His weary mint eyes wandered for the nth time to the edge of the driveway Saeyoung was allegedly going to push him to. ‘It's not that far,’ he thought, doing little to ease his worry, ‘Don't be a coward, Ra- Saeran..’
“Okay.. Fine.. Whatever..” He decided finally after an uneven inhale. “You can push me now. Just, you better make sure I don't fall."
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@ofstarchild Cont. from another source! + x
For the second time, Saeran found himself unable to suppress his own laughter as Yoosung froze like a deer in the headlights. “Sorry..” he said, clearing his throat to stifle another laugh. “It’s just that you're the one who brought it up, so I just wasn't expecting you to be so surprised.” Well, he supposed if nothing else, he got a good laugh out of giving Yoosung a heart attack.
The slight grin from his laugh instantly melted at Yoosung’s next comment. Scary seemed like an understatement at this point. After a long moment of hesitation, Saeran’s gaze dropped to his boots once more. “Yeah,” he agreed softly. “It’s a lot safer than it ever has been- for me, at least, but I just can’t relax without it.”
What he didn’t say was that even though he knew logically he was safe, he never really felt safe. That’s why it was so important he had it on him at all times. Expressing vulnerability was still something he struggled with no matter how many psych appointments he went to.
With his gaze still on the ground, he nodded in response. “Ah,” he replied. ‘Of course,’ he thought, chiding himself for making this about him. Of course Rika was the one he’d heard terrible things about. “Yeah, that must have been a big shock to you.” A wave of guilt crashed over Saeran. All this time, Saeran had known about Rika and her cult, and yet, he never bothered to tell anyone.
Of course, he had been instructed not to tell anyone and brainwashed into unnecessarily hating the RFA, but it was still hard not to feel at fault when the person who was most affected by it was standing here in front of him with such raw emotions.
Saeran allowed the silence between the two to linger a few moments before pursing his lips. “She wasn’t all bad, you know,” he said finally. “I mean.. She was just really damaged, but I think the love she had for you was genuine, if that makes any difference to you.” He shrugged his shoulders awkwardly, avoiding eye contact.
“Maybe it doesn’t make it any better, but there were a lot of times she told me she wished she could have left you out of it, and obviously she could have left you out of it and didn’t, so I’m not defending her, but I just mean I think she did care about you and love you in her own, uh.. way…” With a sigh, he mumbled, “Whatever that was.”
He rubbed his hands together momentarily, unsure of how to move forward after such a heavy topic. “Um, but anyway, yeah, why don’t you show me where you keep your paperwork, and I can help with that.. Af-after we get Kyo situated, obviously.”
Saeran quickly held out his arms to take the sedated cat from Yoosung’s arms and cradled Kyo in his own. Whether or not Yoosung was simply allowing him to carry Kyo to feel important, or whether it was actually in his best interest, Saeran couldn’t help but appreciate it regardless.
He followed Yoosung quite closely, especially considering he definitely did not look like someone who belonged here. Although his cult tattoo was covered, as he tried to do as often as possible, his outfit just screamed ‘OUTCAST!’ The last thing he needed was Doctor Saebyuk throwing him out of here for dressing too emo or something.
But he didn’t really have much time to process his own thoughts before Yoosung threw out his own truth bomb.“Y-you do?” he asked, eyebrows jolting up in surprise. He nearly tripped just on the air at Yoosung’s words. How could someone who had been so clearly shaken by the news of him carrying a gun carry a weapon…?
“Like, right now?” He asked, craning his neck to inspect Yoosung’s clothes. He scanned his clinical jacket pockets, his pants, and his back pocket for any signs of a weapon, before realizing how awkward and weird it was that he was technically (and accidentally) looking at Yoosung’s butt right now.
Instantly, he averted his eyes. Hopefully, Yoosung was too focused on his work to notice. “I guess you do a pretty good job of hiding it; You don’t really look like you’re packing.”
