The Effects of Emotionally Neglectful Parenting on Minho’s Personality
TW: Frank discussion of emotional neglect by parents/father figure.
I’ve made my distaste for Minho’s father known for quite a long time, but today I I finally decided to make a full post about why. The short version is that I think it’s plain to see that Minho’s self sacrificing tendencies and competitive nature both stem from emotional neglect.
To start, I would like to open with an actual list of things Minho’s father has said to/about Minho over the years.
“I stopped you from playing soccer for a reason, but you still went on to do even more useless things.” (i.e., being in Shinee)
Told Minho that unless his nose was bleeding, he is not studying hard enough, and that he was inadequate compared to his elder brother Minseok.
Told Minho that he lacked the ability to succeed as an artist and barred him from going to the audition, or even practicing, in spite of Minho being personally invited by SM to try out. The representative gave Minho his number and his father deleted it. He only eventually allowed him to go because he felt there was no way he was good enough to make it, saying “when I saw him, I knew he didn’t have the talents of a singer or dancer and told him so.”
Told Minho he has a naturally weak body and was not built for athletic success.
Minho used to love to play soccer and wanted to play at higher levels, but his father told him that he was “totally incapable,” and literally threatened Minho by telling him “if you try one more time to pursue soccer, then get out of my house.” Minho was very upset by this, later admitting it, in his own words, “left a scar on me,” but told his father he understood and gave up on soccer.
When Minho started preparing to become an idol, Minho’s father pointed out that Minseok is much more popular and athletic than him and should be the one getting to be an idol instead of Minho.
Now, with these in mind, here are two quotes from Doctor of Psychology Lindsay Gibson’s book, “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.”
Emotional loneliness is so distressing that a child who experiences it will do whatever is necessary to make some kind of connection with the parent. These children may learn to put other people’s needs first as the price of admission to a relationship. Instead of expecting others to provide support or show interest in them, they may take on the role of helping others, convincing everyone that they have few emotional needs of their own. Unfortunately, this tends to create even more loneliness, since covering up your deepest needs prevents genuine connection with others.
No child can be good enough to evoke love from a highly self-involved parent. Nevertheless, these children come to believe that the price of making a connection is to put other people first and treat them as more important. They think they can keep relationships by being the giver. Children who try to be good enough to win their parents’ love have no way of knowing that unconditional love cannot be bought with conditional behavior.
Lately (aka, after the most recent domes), I think more and more Shawols are starting to catch on to the fact that Minho has been prioritizing the feelings of others over those of himself. However, at least in my opinion, these behaviors have been going on for quite a long time. There have been many times (first Tokyo Dome, Artist of the Year award, Replay all-kill) where all five of them have been tearful and Minho has made an effort to comfort everyone without regard for himself. He even confessed to going on a diet that he hated, just to show fans an image of himself he thought they would like. He went on to say how showing exposure felt embarrassing and the process of becoming so muscular in such a short time was very burdensome, but that he did it to make the fans happy.
Minho has been showing signs of self-sacrificing repeatedly over his near ten years as an idol, and I can say with conviction that his father is to blame for that.
This is not to say that Minho’s kindness and love for his members is inorganic. Rather, it’s a call for fans to understand that poor parenting has consequences, and that in Minho’s case, his father’s routinely casting him aside in favor of Minseok has caused him to develop the feeling that the emotions felt by his members are more important than his own.
Minho’s competitiveness, in my opinion, also seems to be fueled by this same problem. Think about it; Minho’s father told him he was a poor athlete compared to Minseok, a poor student compared to Minseok, unpopular compared to Minseok. That has a terrible effect on the psyche of a child. Being constantly told that he was not as good as his younger brother by his own father more than likely caused Minho to believe “if I can just beat Minseok, maybe then I will earn dad’s approval.” As a result, any natural levels of competitiveness that Minho had was severely magnified. On top of this, variety shows seemed to notice this high level of competitiveness, and so it became a part of Minho’s image. Unable to shed the image set for him because it continues still in 2018 to be perpetuated, I imagine it’s quite difficult for Minho to manage.
Fans and media alike, however, often brush this competitiveness off as “boys will be boys.” It’s something I think we as Shawols need to be more aware and compassionate of.
This is partially why it meant so much to me recently, when BoA was joking about Minho being overly competitive, Kibum did not laugh and instead made a noncommittal comment and changed the subject. To tie him back to my previous topic, Kibum is also the only member who consistently offers Minho comfort when he cries, and does not laugh at jokes made about Minho’s competitiveness. I truly believe Kibum knows and understands the effects this neglectful childhood has had on him, which is part of why I believe they are so incredibly close, but that’s a matter for another post.
TL;DR: Minho’s father was emotionally neglectful to him and it caused MInho to feel like his feelings matter less than those around him; his father’s constant belittling him in favor of his brother likely gave rise to his competitiveness, and it breaks my heart to see the fandom brush the latter off as “boys will be boys” when it’s quite clear to me, a person who has also suffered years of neglect and abuse from a parent, that it is a deeper issue than that.
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