Mind Shave

Sometimes I am comfortable that my love for you is now defined by the lack of your presence.

I wake up in the morning and you are not there.

I stretch my body under the imagined gaze of your eyes, which is heavier, more deliberate.

A few years ago, I tried to kill myself. Don’t worry, that is far behind me now.

Whilst cleaning out my files on Evernote, I found the suicide note I had written many years ago. I had made the decision that I would like to no longer exist, that I would end my current existence, hoping that this pain may end.

I wrote this suicide note in 2010.

Hello World,

“You alright?”

“I’m alright.”

“You don’t look alright.”

“I am, though.”

“Okay then. What are you having?”

“I don’t know.”

“I’m getting the burger with cheese fries. And a Coke.”

“That sounds good.”

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Not really.”

It’s easy to dismiss two teenagers in love; their faces still stippled with acne, teeth shifting under the tight brackets of metal braces, minds still restless with math homework. We see their young love through goggles tainted by the heartbreak from our formative years. We become cynical, bitter adults who look down on teenagers in love. After all, we have the wisdom of a 20-something (or 30 or 40-something) and we know better than to have faith in young relationships.

We call it puppy love; that pure, innocent love that has yet to be contaminated by the malignancy of relationships.

You look hot, tonight.

I could feel the radiating warmth of his cheek and slight stubble on his chin as he leaned in against me. It had been months since he’d been so physically close to me. Together with the sweet words he had never bestowed on me before, I felt giddy. So much so that I ignored the distinct whiff of vodka on his breath.

We had our first kiss that night. In the dark. With my back against a pillar and his doughy body pushed up against mine. Gyrating bodies, swirling against the blaring music, bumped into us as we finally crossed that line.

Remove the Girl from Jakarta, Indonesia at the tender age of 16 and place her in a dorm in Melbourne, Australia. Let her simmer in a large single room, this will allow her to find herself. She will start university, make friends, and marinate in this newfound freedom.

At 17, return the Girl back to Jakarta for a month and bring her to a boil with a cute high school senior. Let her learn what it feels like to be showered with affection. This will be a turning point in her life, because until then, she didn’t know she was worthy of honest admiration. Reduce the heat to low and put her back in her Melbourne dorm. Wait until she turns 18.

I got out of bed and left Maria’s bedroom to step onto the balcony and lit a cigarette. It was dark out there and the night felt nice. Maria could still see me from where she was lying in bed, up on her elbow with her curly hair hanging over one eye.

“You’re not even a real smoker,” she said. “Why do you smoke?”

“Two reasons.”

“Tell me.”

“Number one, Humphrey Bogart.”

“Humphrey Bogart?”

This is why we’re obsessed with your ex-girlfriends.

Because months or years ago, you saw a girl the way you see me now.

And then the world stopped spinning as you approached her. You smelled her hair, it reminded you of something sweet. Apples, maybe coconut. You kissed her the same way you kiss me now; with the same intensity in your eyes as you pulled away to breathe.

This is why we ask about what she was like.

Don’t find your equal.

Why would you when you can find someone who is twice the person you are—with more kindness around their little finger than you will ever have in a lifetime?

Date someone who you are afraid to fall in love with. Not because they might hurt you, but because they might not.

The prospect of being with someone who might lead you to happiness will scare you, but let it.

Let them strike fear in your heart. Let anxiety ruminate in your thoughts as they confess their love for the first time. Because you believe they are batting below their average, and you will never be half the person they are, no matter how hard you try.