Estrogender

A friend asked me yesterday how my 2025 was so far. An innocuous enough question. Right? It turned out not to be. I responded thusly:

"So, I saw this a while after you sent it. And once I saw it, I had to stop and actually think about it. And what I came to is this. I feel like I’m in a WWI trench, during a cease fire. There’s no bullets flying right now, but they’re coming soon enough. And I’m down here, in the trench, not even wanting to poke my head up. I’m already tired and I just wanna save my strength for the coming resumption of hostilities. That’s not to say my real, waking life is a horror show. It’s a hazy, sunny Saturday afternoon in one of the most liberal and urban centers in America, maybe in the world. But I’m still already tired. Motivation and energy are in short supply. I’m actively trying to find motivation. It always comes in time. Just this minute doesn’t seem to be that time."

I'm already exhausted.

Eight years ago, I died and came back. Well, Matt died and I took his place. I had to shed him to reach the outside of him and reach the air to breathe. To live a new, different and better way. Part of that is to let go of the unnecessary skepticism and fear that had been such a part of the Matt suit and identity that I had allowed myself to wear for so long. It’s a work in progress to stay frosty and avoid the seductive and easy traps that Matt had practiced over 48 years to feel okay in the world. One of my favorite habits now is to embrace the joy and inspiration from things that Matt would have told himself “corny” or some other nonsense to talk himself out of losing his constant companion, fear. I’m choosing to embrace inspiration and joy where I can find it. If that’s from a song, so be it. Now I know that’s not a new concept. People do it every day. But as Maddie I’ve been learning to do it with conviction. Without the fear of letting someone else’s thoughts about it deter me from my joy in it. More importantly, my own thoughts. So many sabotaging thoughts before. Ugh Look, this is NOT the bravest journey anyone has ever undertaken, I know that. But it’s part of mine. It’s what I know to think about and process to improve. To improve as the person I want to be. To do and be better. As a person. An artist. A creative person.

As I embrace the first day of the 9th year of living as myself, (I came out to the world and started living as myself eight years ago today) I’m excited about this new year. Maybe more than any than since I transitioned.

It’s exciting to start the new year not having to die to work towards being the person I want to be. It’s better to just live. To live HONESTLY. Well as much as that is possible for anyone. And without second guessing what brings me joy and inspires me. Towards that end, I’m starting this year off with a song. Thank you Steven Page for your raw honesty and musical brilliance.

“Everything moves ever forward, irreversibly Even standing still right where you are You're always in motion and covered in stars”

Steven Page

Covered in stars. Shining. I like that. A lot. Starting 2024 like that, what can’t I do? I can’t wait to see what I can. Thank you Steven.