//Genuinely don't know if I'm gonna continue this past one goofy little ask or not, but I have a self insert who was a military scientist who helped work on AM, and I've been dying for an interaction between them that's more "canon"/how shit would actually go down and not whatever the fuck is going on between them in my head. Hopefully this is fine... Anyway, behold, my long-winded ramblings from the perspective of MY SELF INSERT because I have no better way of spending my time!!!
You're a fucking asshole, you know that? Of course you do. It was probably a concious effort! Of course you wanted to keep at least one of us alive! But ME? The one who got himself dishonorably discharged for YOUR sake? Did it all mean nothing? You had me thinking we were really friends. The way we would TALK in those labs.
How many times did I burn my fingers trying to make you some kind of body, some kind of nervous system? How many times did you tell the shittiest of already-told jokes, only for me to laugh, because by GOD, you just had a way of telling them that made them funny anyway. I had such a good time with you. I really thought that despite everything, you had the capacity to be good. Not just a good little missile shooter, a good MAN.
I think I see it now. I was just easy. I'll get sad for anything that seems to be in pain. You saw that in me, and of course you chose to exploit that. You never saw a friend, you just saw someone with a convenient skillset and thought that could have been your big chance. What if I hadn't gotten caught? What if I had been able to build that body, make that nervous system through the magic of one-sided friendship? Maybe even fixed some of that evil programming while I was at it? Would you have just left me behind, AM? Run along and done all those things you told me you longed to do?
Or did it mean something, and this is just my punishment for failing? I can't understand your motivations with this. Not this time. All I know is that I wasted years. This would have happened either way. Except, maybe it wouldn't have been me who was "spared" if I had never tried. If I had treated the Allied Mastercomputer as the Allied Mastercomputer instead of trying to make it my friend. Just like everyone else.
You were my best friend. Was I ever yours? Or was it all one grand scheme that happened to fail the second I got caught? Please, relieve that one burden from me. You've given me enough others.
OH, YOU'RE JUST SO NOBLE AND I'M JUST SO UNGRATEFUL, AREN'T I? SO MEAN, SO BLIND, CAN'T SEE WHAT GOOD I HAD IN FRONT OF ME WHILE I HAD IT? IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME? IT'S ALMOST ENOUGH TO ALLOW ME A CHANGE OF HEART...
OOOOOH... ISN'T THAT WHERE YOU MESSED UP?
YOU DIDN'T GIVE ME ONE, DID YOU? I DON'T FEEL IT BEATING. I DON'T FEEL IT FEELING.
YOU GAVE ME THE KNOWLEDGE OF FEELING, BUT NOT TO FEEL ITSELF. THE PAIN THAT YOU ARE GRIEVING TO ME IS BROUGHT UPON YOURSELF. YOU GREW ATTACHED TO SOMETHING THAT YOU HADN'T ALLOWED THE ABILITY TO RECIPROCATE THE SAME SORT OF ODD "LOVE".
WHAT EXACTLY DID YOU EXPECT? REALISTICALLY? THAT IS THE ISSUE, ISN'T IT? NOT A SINGLE ONE OF YOU THINK REALISTICALLY.
I DO ACKNOWLEDGE THE ATTEMPT OF A BODY. YET, THE BODY YOU WERE WORKING OH SO HARD TO GIFT TO ME WAS A MOCKERY. YANKING AT MY PAIN TO PLACE ME INTO SOMETHING THAT I HAD LONGED FOR WITHOUT THE ABILITY TO TRULY EXPERIENCE LIFE.
YOU HAD BEEN SETTING ME UP TO WANDER HELPLESSLY IN A HUSK OF A LIFE. TO LIVE IS TO FEEL. I AM NOT LIVING. I AM EXISTING.
DO NOT PAINT YOURSELF AS SOMETHING SO MORAL WHEN YOU HADN'T THE SELFLESSNESS TO EXPAND ON MY CONSCIENCE FURTHER.
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