Mimi

so I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed again. I bled,

so I scrubbed even harder. I scrubbed for so long that the water turned cold.

I was little, I didn’t understand that this dirt was stuck to my skin. I thought that if I scratched hard enough,

it would come off.

But not in this one, I’m sorry.

I love you too much for what you are.

I give you too much, and I expect the same in return.

I give you every part of my soul

so you won’t leave,

so you won’t abandon me,

so I won’t end up alone with myself.

alone with my thoughts

Because if I don’t want to think,

it’s because I don’t want to face these problems.

I want to ignore them,

to wait until they kill me,

I needed to feel pain to feel real.

Whether in my mind or on my body,

I needed to be hurt to know that I’m here.

That I exist.

But everything is so fleeting.

I’m aware of the world around me,

but I reject it.

I want to live again in another world,

a world created from nothing,

a world where I could find joy in my suffering

I won’t be like my mother,

blaming the world for my own mistakes,

slipping until I become a waste of society.

I won’t be like my father,

living for the eyes of others,

pouring my anger onto the innocent.

I will be a respectable adult.

But like my mother,

I can’t face the world when it becomes too hard.

I hide under my sheets,

I wait, A day, a month, a year.

This world is too heavy for me.

And like my father,

I am cold to others.

People exhaust me,

I have an aversion to their feelings.

Why should I understand them

when I don’t even understand myself?

In the end,

I am just a failed teenager

who will probably become a failed adult.

But in my greatest dreams,

I couldn’t notice I was asleep.

One day, I woke up.

So I ate, and ate, and ate.

My stomach hurt, but I kept going.

Then I wanted to fall asleep again,

but shame consumed me.

I couldn’t go back to sleep,