did you love me?

Gage wandered into the gym and, as he made his way to his usual corner of machines, looked into the windows leading into the basketball court. There, he saw a lone man in a black t-shirt and shorts throwing balls into the net. He looked weary and worn, so Gage decided he should go in and see what was up with the stranger.

Gage walked around and pushed one of the double doors open, and was then greeted by the man. He seemed… almost grateful for the company, for a distraction. Gage smiled at the other, glad that he went with his instinct to lend a helping hand. “Of course, man. I’m Gage.” He reached out his right hand to shake the other’s.

Milo smiled at the stranger gratefully and shook his hand. “Nice to meet you Gage. I’m Milo.” He dribbled the ball before passing to the former stranger. “Have I seen you around? You look kind of familiar.” It was true, but mostly he was just happy to have both the conversation and the company to keep his obsessive thoughts at bay for a while. 

Ever since New Years, Milo’s head was buzzing with the ghost of his sister. Shades were apparently now a part of life and he found himself looking for her to appear again anxiously, overwhelmed by the desire to have her back in his life. 

It was the desire to keep going that had him keeping as busy as he possibly could, which included running errands, fixing old books, working later than necessary, and even things like going to the gym which was not particularly normal for him.

In the basketball court, he took a shot, made it, and started dribbling, frustrated as the repetitive motion of his thoughts started again. It was exhausting, living with his brain that never turned off. He heard the door open and looked up, tucking the ball under his arm. “Hey. Wanna play a round?”

“It takes a little while to get to know someone, I think its unlikely to stay like this forever,” she soothes, wondering why she hadn’t ever heard this story before. Or, well, she supposes it isn’t too surprising, she hasn’t known Milo very long, less so than even his daughter. Jo shakes her head, fighting back a laugh. “I suppose I will just have to nudge you when you get too anxious and ensure you stay on the right track while we are here, no anxiety at the festival, only fun.” Jo is relieved when they make it to the plaza, and though it takes them a few minutes to make it through security, they are eventually on the other side, wrist bands on theirs. She toys with hers. “These are irritating, but I think they have charms on them. To keep from breaking,” she says, amused, fiddling with them. “Was the last festival so bad? I mean, look, this is very pretty, and oh I haven’t been ice-skating since I was twelve.”

Milo nodded, running his fingers through his hair. “It does. I know it’s new. I’m still overwhelmed, she must be too.” He paused for a minute before going on, “I know I uh... Am not the type to have a kid really. I uh... I donated a long time ago, to keep me and my sister afloat.” He sighed softly and shrugged. “But I’m glad she tracked me down. She’s a good kid.” He laughed softly and tossed an arm around her shoulders for a brief moment. “No anxiety? Wow, you’re getting rid of half of my personality.” He waited beside Jo as they got their wristbands before moving on and glancing down at them. “Really? This town gets cooler and cooler.” He looked at her consideringly and then shrugged. “Last year’s? I didn’t go, I was still setting up and... Well, I guess it took me a bit to come out of my shell when I first got here.” The truth was that he hadn’t really started to until Jack and Forest came to Lethe as well. “I’m not sure I’ve been ice skating ever. For a werewolf, I am not particularly coordinated. This is really cool though.” He let his eyes scan the area. “Hey maybe we should have signed up to be vendors,” he joked.

Milo Adkins Playlist (listen.)

“i’m gonna watch you shine, gonna watch you grow, gonna paint a sign, so you always know, as long as one and one is two, there could never be a father, love his daughter more than I love you”

“A–what?” she laughed, looking back and forth from the man in front of her to the photo booth a few feet away. Her grin grew wide as she looked her father up and down. “Anything?” She chewed on her inner cheek, then gave a half nod as she walked with him towards the photo booth. She slid in first into the corner and Milo slid in after her. “I dunno… do we just smile, or?”

Milo gave an enthusiastic nod in response, already curious about what she might want. “Anything I have or can find, yes.” He followed her into the booth and shrugged his shoulders as he considered the options. “Sure. Maybe legit for a couple and whatever for the rest?”

@johannakoning​

“Is this a first meeting with her?” she asks quizzically, unsure for a moment as she watches him bustle around his shop, closing up. While he finishes up, she stays out of the way, leaning against one of the walls and only pushing off again as he makes his way to the door. Had he really fallen asleep in here? Possibly, he has the look of someone who hasn’t been outside in a little while: pale, and tired, and she isn’t sure how much is normal Milo and how much is not. “Teach you to make that mistake again. You’ll just make yourself more anxious if you aren’t getting proper sleep, I’d say,” she chides, following him out of the door and leading the way to the plaza where the festival is taking place. “I don’t know, I’ve never been to a festival before. Have you? I heard there was a market, it might be fun to browse and see.” When put like that, the idea seems a little lackluster, and she frowns. “We can see when we get there then!”

Milo shook his head slowly. “No, she found me a little before Thanksgiving. It’s.. It’s going pretty well. Still a bit rocky, which is normal. And honestly, I know this might be as good as it gets which sucks but it’s better than I ever would have expected.” He slid his hands into his pockets and chuckled as she scolded him, casting an amused glance over to her. “Well that explains my entire life then, doesn’t it?” he asked playfully. “I’ve been anxious since I came out of the womb.” He followed her towards the plaza and shook his head as he said, “No, I haven’t. Closest thing I’ve done is carnivals and parades. Not gay parades, if you were thinking about asking.” A grin pulled at his face again and he elbowed her playfully. “This will be fun. I’m sure there’s more to it than a market. This town always goes all out.”

Milo knocked at the door, a cupcake in a bakery box from Rafi in his hands as he waited. When it opened and he saw the birthday girl, he grinned, holding it up and bouncing up lightly on his heels momentarily. “Hey, happy birthday. You can legally drink, do you feel old yet?” He liked the kid, he liked her a lot. She was tough and resilient, and he guessed that even with her family she might get lonely sometimes. Of course, he would probably never know for sure because she was unlikely to tell him, but all the same she was someone he wanted to reach out to and be there for. Especially since she seemed to have sensed the same thing in him.

“One problem at a time, but were definitely cleaning up this place before you become a hoarder “ Jack replied glancing around a moment, knowing full well his apartment was fine, he was just trying to elevate the tension that he felt running through his entire body.  He sat silent for a moment, not wanting to interrupt what his friend was saying. He didn’t want to miss anything, because a good relationship with his children was the most important thing to him. A smile fell on his face as he heard how his son was when it came to books. It hurt a little that he didn’t know these thing’s and had to be told them, but he was going to take the good out of it otherwise he would have been a mess. “ Yeah I remember the Outsiders. I quit school before it was given to us, but I remember hearing about it. It makes sense that he would like books like that though. It’s nice to have thing’s that give people some hope even if it isn’t a great situation” He was the same. It was why he minored in music therapy. Art healed wounds and he knew the whole family had some wounds they all needed to heal. “That’s fine if you can’t. I’ve actually been working on putting some music together for him and Damien. I just hit a bit of a wall with it earlier.  So hopefully I can get that done soon. “ 

“I still feel like I screwed up. I know I couldn’t control what had happened and that they were taken away, but I still feel like it was my fault all this happened. I didn’t have a stable childhood and all I wanted was to give them that. I had one job. “ He sighed, knowing that if Bridget had lived they would have been able to stay with her. Jack had to stop himself, and took a moment, to gather his thoughts back. He couldn’t go down this road anymore. He couldn’t afford to put himself in the head space he had struggled with for over twenty years. He let out a sigh feeling a little emotional after trying to put the past on hold for a moment and looked at Milo. “ I want him to know I’m here. Even if it doesn’t work. Even if it’s irreparable, I want him to know how much I do care and that I’ll always be here for him and if it’s showing an interest in his interests I’ll do anything”

Jack gave a slight smile at Milo when he realized how their kids interests were the reverse of their own.  “You have a daughter who loves music and I have a ‘son who loves books, we got pretty lucky. What if Peter liked skiing or something. I would have been screwed. I can definitely help. I can figure out what she likes based on the music she put on the CD. However, if it’s stuff she likes maybe you should give her stuff you like? She wants you to know who she is, so maybe it’s an exchange rate. Show her the Milo we all love?”

Milo looked at Jack for a long moment, his expression heavy and honest as he moved forward. He grabbed a chair and swung it around, straddling the back of it as he crossed his arms over it, sitting and watching his friend. “It wasn’t your fault,” he told him plainly. “Jack, you searched. My parents both abandoned me separately and never looked back- which I know because I lived in the same place until I was an adult. You tried. You gave it everything you ever had. And you did find them. You’re a good father. Honestly, if I can manage to be half of the dad you are I would be entirely happy with that.” He watched Jack speech with a soft look and nodded. “Okay. We can do that. You’ll get through to him, and you’re not doing it alone. Alright, bud?”

Milo laughed and got back to his feet, returning in front of the boards on the wall. “Thank god he doesn’t like skiing. What a terrifying hobby that is.” Granted as werewolves, they all would be able to heal from skiing accidents (probably), but that wasn’t the point. “Yeah, let me grab her CD.” He went to the sound system in his living room and put it on before bringing Jack the songs written down. “Thanks man. I just... I really appreciate it. I’ve messed up a lot in my life but I think this is the one thing I can’t afford to.” 

@johannakoning​

Jo has no intention of missing out on her first festival in Lethe, but her walk there is interrupted by the lights on inside the shop next door and she slips inside with a sigh. “I do plan on it, but I notice you are not,” she comments, hands falling on her hips, eyes flickering over him and his work. She steps up to him, and holds her hands out for some of the books. “Finish up, I don’t think we should wait any longer than necessary or all the good treats will be gone. Yes, I am dragging you along. When was the last time you left this shop?” She waves a hand around to encompass the entire shop, eyebrows up in a question to which she expects no actual answer. Then she smiles, a little softer. “It will be fun. Just an hour, maybe, and then you can return.”

Milo grinned at her, honestly not surprised that he was being dragged out of his hole. “Oh, fine. My daughter and I are meeting up later, I could use the distraction from all the ways I could mess up.” He got up and threw on his jacket, grinning at her as he followed her gesture around the shop. “It’s been a while. I fell asleep in a chair over there last night. Which I am officially too old for, by the way, werewolf or not.” He led the way outside and locked the door behind him. “So what do you want to do first over there?”

It had started out a good night and was bound to end better than the previous town event, given that he had used that to make his life ultimately harder (but Forest’s easier, so it was worth it, he figured). Besides, this time he had Tate and that alone made it pretty incredible. He had met with her after leaving Jo

“Oh my god, Tate.” Milo felt a grin pull his face as he pointed out a photo booth and grinned at her. “I will literally give you a first edition copy of anything I have and ten bucks if you will do that with me.” Bribing his child for a photo with him? Well, it might not be his best idea, but who could blame him? He had hardly any photos of her at all (maybe only the one from her file?) and definitely none with the two of them.

He knew they’d come a long way, but he also knew they had a lot further. The worst part was that this might just be as far as they got. She might never call him dad, might never see him as one, and if that was the case he was alright with it. He had to be. And he himself was working hard every day to be able to tell her that he loved her when the time came. It had taken finally tracking down and confronting his father (the rat bastard) and also a lot of therapy and practice but he was getting there.

The sound of the door opening made Milo look up from stacking books on a shelf, a smile pulling at his lips when he recognized Jo, the shop owner next door. “Well, hey, there. I thought you’d be getting mixed up in everything in town today.” He needed to go, he knew he could visit people and have fun, just like he had at the last town event- granted, he had made trouble for himself with Forest then, but he was more stable now. Mostly. Still, the idea of making a fool of himself again was lingering in the back of his mind when he thought about closing up shop and going. 

Jack was overwhelmed, which admittedly was fairly easy. He had a habit of not handling stress well and the amount of information he was processing was enough to make the werewolf make a face. “ Where did you find whiteboards?” Jack replied, missing completely what he wanted to say and instead only processing the other aspect. He really did need a relationship with his sons. He lost so much time and it was really hurting that he couldn’t connect with Peter. It made him turn everything onto himself. It was his fault. He didn’t get there in time. He couldn’t find them. The government wouldn’t tell him where they were. But it was still all his fault in his head. Maybe Peter was right. Maybe he was some asshole and deserved to be treated in such a way. “ Yeah deal” He simply stated back already getting stuck in his head again. He had a habit of just talking once he got going, but now he didn’t know what to say. 

“Oh shit. Why did I have to go and study music. “ Jack replied realizing his specialty was not what his son was into. He considered that strike one. “ Books I can figure out though. I can work with that. I tend to read all your books when the shop is slow. “ He rambled. “ I’m scared. “ He admitted. It was something he didn’t want to express, but with Milo it as safe. “What if it’s too late. What if I’ve completely fucked up his life by showing up? I want to fix this. I want to be there for him and Damien. I lost so much time. But I don’t want to cause my own kid any damage. We can’t fuck this up Milo. I don’t think I’m gonna get a second chance if I do. What about Tate?  Do we approach things the same way with her interests?”

“Dude, I have all kinds of shit stashed around here. If I keep living alone, I’m gonna be a hoarder when I’m 80.” Milo paced around the room for a minute and looked at Jack with a small grin. “Two things. First, yes, read the books in the shop. Second, I’m going to give you a list of his favorites, of things to look for. Third, I think music is a good idea.” He uncapped the marker and went to the Peter board, and wrote in block letters BOOKS: THE OUTSIDERS, STEPHEN KING, A SONG OF ICE AND FIRE, ROBERT A. HEINLEIN. MOVIES: TOY STORY, JURASSIC PARK. “Your kid really likes stories that speak the truth, stuff that isn’t afraid to get dark. I think he likes the reminder that things don’t have to be easy for them to eventually come out okay. So I mean, he complains about Stephen King’s endings, but he likes a lot of aspects of them. The Outsiders is a short book, written in the sixties I think, and he loves the sentiment. He likes science fiction. As for music, he likes rock and good tempos. Again, he likes stories. Really, I think he likes finding comfort. And I really think he’d like it if you’d put together a CD for him- of music he might like or hasn’t heard. I don’t know him that well, but I’ll help you the best I can.”

Milo paused then, looking at Jack as he spoke and letting out a low breath as he set the marker down and reached to scrub at his face. “Yeah. I know.” He moved to sit on the surface of the table and let one leg swing. “You’re right. We’ve got one shot at this most likely. We’re already on our second chance and we didn’t even do anything on the first ones; life did. But I don’t think you fucked his life up. I think he’s just as scared as you are. Both our kids... They haven’t had a lot of stability. And this is big.” He wet his lips and exhaled slowly while he gathered his thoughts. “I think... I think you should just show Peter that you’re interested by being interested in his world. Let him see you reading his favorite books, talk to him about them if he asks, give him a mixtape... Reach out, but reach out with his stuff.” He hoped that would work, hoped that he wasn’t messing things up for his friend even more. “I think.”

“How old were you? Nineteen? You were so dumb back then,” he cackled. “No one is gonna blame a 19-year-old for not checking the status of their sperm donation. In the nineties, where everything was via phone calls.” Forest chewed his lip for a moment, then with his opposite hand pushed Milo’s head onto Forest’s shoulder. “‘Fake it til you make it, babe.’ Didn’t I say something similar when you first turned all those years ago? Try to be strong for her. It’s okay if you’re not… I don’t know. I have every faith that you will do your best for her. Do you think you love her already, or can see yourself loving her? Do you want her to call you ‘dad’ down the road? What do you want out of this? Its okay to be selfish, just know its going to take a lot, a lot of time.”

“Fucking rude, you didn’t even know me back then. I was seventeen. I lied so they’d let me. It was the nineties, it was easier to fake stuff,” Milo half-scoffed, half-laughed, shoving at Forest’s side affectionately. He followed the movement easily, resting his head on Forest’s shoulder even as alarm bells went off in his head. Yeah, but you shouldn’t call me babe anymore. But instead of saying it, he shut his eyes tightly and burrowed his face in as if that would make it go away. “I-” Love her. I love her. I fucking love her. I love her! He let out a frustrated groan, tearing his head away and hitting his fist against the pavement. “How many times do I have to learn the same lesson? Thirty years with you didn’t teach me? I’m that fucking stupid?” 

He shook his head and pushed himself to his feet, going inside and trusting Forest to follow him. He rifled through the desk and then pulled out a business card for a Private Investigator he had picked up for reasons unknown- but he knew now. He slammed it down on the desk face up and looked at Forest then. “I don’t know if it’ll work, I don’t know if I can do it, or if it’ll help me fix my head but- I have to try. I have to try for her because she deserves a dad who can tell her that he l-” His voice choked and he dropped his head, hanging it low as he breathed through the frustration. “I do. Already. I’d die for this kid. I’m not going to let myself fuck this up like I fucked it up with you. I’m too tired, Forest. I’m gonna track down the son of a bitch that thought it was okay to leave a seven-year-old home alone with no word to anyone, and I’m going to see if somehow facing him will help me... Help me be a fucking person. I want to be able to say it. I want to. I remember now what it feels like, to say it, to hear it, to not be terrified of it.” I remember because of that night with you. “And I want it. And this? This the last straw, I’m not going to be him.”

“My dad wasn’t good. That’s why I can be weary around men. I don’t really date, so… I guess we were both fucked from our parents.” She shrugged, not wanting to go into it right now. Instead, she deflected. “How about that food, though? Let’s go back to it.” She stood up and sauntered back to the dinner he had prepared. The smell was encompassing the whole room, and though her mouth wasn’t watering, she still wanted to eat to put the past behind her.

As they settled back in the kitchen, she took a bite and looked down, trying to process everything he had told her. How much was too prying? “I’m sorry for yelling the other day. I know it wasn’t your fault. Why would they inform you when your semen was successfully matched with an ovum? Like… it’s ridiculous.” She chuffed. “I do have one friend, though. Peter, you know him… he loves TriBeCa,” she scoffed, smiling. “He’s really been my lifeline. My parents kicked me out of town because I grew up with nymphs. After I triggered–” she realized he didn’t know how she triggered. Maybe he considered self defense, or even her killing her own parents. As if–“I was sent to greater Seattle all alone, brand new werewolf. I did a lot of studying, but Peter found me, literally sniffing me out. He’s probably… definitely... my closest male friend.”

Milo offered her a soft, sad smile. I should have been there. I’m so sorry. “Me neither,” he said softly instead, thinking about how the last real relationship he’d had been decades ago and only just now ended for real because he was so fucked that it affected everyone else too. “Yeah, alright, kid.” He got up and followed her to the table. Part of him wanted to press her, wanted to understand her and know her. But he knew better. He knew he didn’t have a right to her pain.

He looked up at her in slight surprise, processing her words. “It’s okay. I get it. I...” I still acted irresponsibly. But at the same time, I’m really glad you were born. “You’re kidding. Peter Cadoc? That’s my friend’s boy, which... You probably know.” He wanted to ask about her triggering, if she was okay if it had fucked her up (but it tended to, didn’t it?). “He’s a really good kid. I don’t see much of him anymore, not since..” He shrugged a shoulder, figuring she knew about him and Jack and also that if she didn’t it was a conversation for her and Peter. “But so... It’s been... It hasn’t all been bad?” he asked, not knowing how to specify that he meant her years of life, everything she’d experienced.