Miller

No matter how much Chris had protested and begged his Mom to use her influence and stop him from spending the night in hospital, both of the women in his life had vetoed that idea. In the Doctors eyes, it would have been a good idea for him to stay a few nights for observation, in fact, but she’d known that it wouldn’t be long before her boyfriend went stir crazy in there. Lottie had hoped that he’d last longer than one night, however, and she was incredibly concerned about him going home when she personally thought that it was too soon. 24 hours ago, he’d been shot and now she was helping him into her car and ignoring any of his comments about how he was more likely to die from her driving - which, okay, was probably true. With that in mind, she had driven cautiously, not wanting to hit any bumps in the road and cause him more of an issue, feeling hyper-sensitive about his wellbeing. 

When they reached his apartment building, she had wrestled his belongings into her arms, somehow managing to carry his duffel bag, a bag of groceries that his Mom had bought for them, and a balloon that Leo had bought for him too. It meant she didn’t have enough hands to help support him when he stubbornly insisted that they take the stairs, her protests falling on deaf ears. Lottie had tried, she really had, to make him get in the damn elevator so that they’d reach his apartment with minimum effort and time, but her boyfriend was just as stubborn as she was and she hadn’t been able to do much when he’d simply walked ahead. If his current hobbling could be considered walking, that was. 

There was a worried expression on her face the entire way up the stairs, almost ready to abandon the groceries and catch him if she needed to. It was incredibly odd to see her usually so strong boyfriend struggling like he was, her heart aching and her nerves were on edge until they reached the front door. Then she was a little concerned that Cook was going to knock Chris over in his excitement and she held her breath for a good few moments, feeling like a nervous wreck. It was definitely going to take some time for her to feel comfortable and for her to stop worrying about Chris, and she gave him an unimpressed look when he requested to carry his duffel bag. 

‘‘Uh, I got it.’’ She pointed out stubbornly, even if carrying everything was admittedly quite heavy. Lottie had to admit defeat and let go of the balloon, watching it float to the floor thanks to the weight attached to the bottom, making a mental note to put it in the living room later, when she wasn’t struggling with everything else. ‘‘The Doctor told you no heavy lifting, and that you’ve got to take it easy. Do you think I’m going to let you do anything different, baby?’‘ 

Chris’s brow cocked as he glanced her over, watching her struggle and readjust to properly keep a hold of everything she was carrying, his eyes shifting to the balloon slowly drifting to the floor. If her expression didn’t look so serious, he would have pointed out how ridiculous she looked trying to carry everything that looked to be about twice her size, but she had managed the whole way to the apartment, even when he insisted that they take the stairs. He had to give her this one, knowing that she was as stubborn as he was and that she only cared after all. That didn’t stop the guilt he felt, and no matter how hard she tried to play it off, he could see the exhaustion in her eyes, no doubt from a sleepless night at the hospital. 

“Okay,” he conceded, and he hobbled over to her, his cane thumping against the ground before he reached her and pressed a quick kiss to her lips. “You win, but only because I let you. Nothing else. I’m very capable otherwise.” He flashed her a grin before he leaned over to pick up the balloon by its string, and he swapped the balloon into his other hand, managing both his cane and the balloon. He turned away from her then, his smile faded as he let out a sigh and tried to find a place to put the balloon. As much as he appreciated Leo’s gesture, it only served as another reminder that he was injured, incapable of doing the very basic like carrying his own clothes to his room. 

“Come on. Let’s put this in my room. I’m gonna need a shower soon too,” he said, his nose wrinkled as he thought about all the hospital germs he was probably riddled with. He wandered ahead of her, the balloon in hand, and once in his room, he set it down in the corner, wedged between the wall and dresser and partially hidden from view. Chris opened the door to the bathroom, brows raised and surprised that everything had been cleaned up. He had half-expected to see his blood still splattered across the sink, but seeing everything so spotless had been more shocking. 

“Hey,” he called out, head turned to look for Lottie, “Did you come back here to clean, or did my mom do that? It’s like nothing even happened.” 

Still, there were things to get used to, the most obvious being the constant pain he felt whenever he took a step, and he could feel Lottie watching him carefully as he took the stairs slowly, one step at a time. He did his best to hide his pain, suppress whatever desire he felt to wince from the sharp sensation that ran down his side or how labored his breathing became just to conquer a set of stairs he had taken daily. Even breathing had hurt him. She had insisted they take the elevator, but stubbornly, he wanted to test his limits, only to be disappointed in seeing that his limits were even more pathetic than he thought. He couldn’t even carry a majority of his things anymore, only getting by with a grocery bag while Lottie had his duffel of clothes slung over her shoulder, get well cards and gifts from his colleagues, and a bag of food his mom had sent over while he recovered.

His disappointment was soon forgotten when he left them both into his apartment and out came Cook, bounding towards the both of them. Chris’s face lit up as he saw his dog happily wagging his tail and coming to greet them. Chris dropped the bag of food on the floor, and as he tried to lean over, he let out a strained groan, only able to move slowly without hurting himself any more. He sighed then as his fingers scratched behind Cook’s ears before he moved to greet Lottie and clearly became more interested in the food she was carrying. Chris hung his keys on the ring by the door, and he grabbed the bag and moved towards the kitchen to set everything on the countertops. 

He came back to Lottie then and held out his hand for his duffel bag. “Here. Please let me help you,” he insisted, “I know you keep telling me no, but come on. I’m capable of bringing a bag to my room.”

His joke had her torn between laughing and crying, and she settled for a mixture of both; a breathy laugh leaving her before it cracked into more of a sob. She couldn’t help it, she wasn’t angry with him but she felt so overwrought with emotion and was still struggling with the idea of losing him. Lottie lifted her spare hand to cover her mouth, not wanting to cry and upset him, nor make the situation about her - he was the one with a stab wound in his side, after all. ‘’You have nothing to apologise for.’’ She murmured throatily as he squeezed her hand and settled their joined hands against his chest, and she closed the gap between them, resting her hip against the edge of the bed. ‘’I mean, except for being ridiculously stubborn and trying to stop me from saving your life, but… I forgive you.’’ A small, flicker of a smile edged onto her lips at that. Leo and his Mom would be back in a little while and she knew they would both want to see Chris awake and well, but selfishly, she was glad they had gotten this quiet moment together. After everything that had happened, they needed it. 

It meant everything to her as he brushed her hair out of her face, so tender in his touches. She had missed that, desperately, and she’d been so concerned that she was going to lose it as well. Her hair hadn’t seen a brush all day and she knew she probably looked a mess, but she didn’t really care. Emily was going to bring her some clean clothes after she finished closing up the book store, and that was enough for her. ‘’I missed you so much, and I’m sorry. I never should have–’’ She stopped herself, about to launch into a big apology after what happened the other day but she realised that it seemed rather pointless now. The argument seemed to be forgotten, even if she was already blaming herself for what had happened. Maybe if they hadn’t been fighting, he wouldn’t have gotten stabbed like he had done. 

Blowing out a breath, she gave a shrug of her shoulder, admittedly not really caring about her parents right now. It was late evening now, she’d left the house hours ago and should have been home for dinner, but she’d sent her Mom a quick text to tell her that Emily was having guy trouble and she was going to stay over at her apartment. ‘’I told my Mom that Emily needed me and I was staying over with her tonight, but honestly, I don’t really care about them right now.’’ She admitted, her eyes searching his own as she looked at him, biting down on her lip.

 ‘’I thought I– I almost lost you today, and that’s all I care about right now.’’ 

Chris bit his lip, regretting the pain and anxiety he caused her as she did her best not to break down in front of him. He was used to the kind of risk involved with his job, often coping by joking about how dangerous it could be, but he realized that she probably had never been in this kind of situation in her whole life, her exhaustion evident on her face even as she tried to hide it from him. He wished that she didn’t try to hide her emotions as she covered her face to hold back her sob and that she knew he, of all people, would understand. Even if it was entirely hypocritical of him, he was more than willing to take on her burden, if only to help ease hers out of the love and care he felt for her. 

He pursed his lips, brows furrowed as she began her apology, and he shook his head, his hand cupping her cheek and brushing his thumb over her skin. He didn’t care about their argument anymore. All of that was in the past, and he was more than happy to have her by his side in any capacity possible that he was starting not to care who she had to pretend to date. It was the last conversation he wanted to have at that moment, and he could tell she felt the same as she stopped herself from continuing on. “It’s okay,” he said, “As long as I’ve got you now, I’m okay. I’m just really glad you’re here, baby. I wouldn’t want to wake up to anyone else.”

He hated that he had to ask about her parents, but he hated the idea of her being in trouble with them anymore. He knew they would have their concerns if she suddenly disappeared for the night all because he got stabbed, but he felt satisfied as she assured him that it was all taken care of. He could still see how shook up she was by the way she looked at him, shrugging off any concern about her parents entirely. “Everything’s okay. Hey, I woke up, didn’t I? And that’s good because then I’ll be back home soon, and then you and I can spend all the time in the world just being together,” he replied, “I’m not going anywhere. Promise.”

Of course she didn’t want him to be suspended, not at all. But quite frankly, she wouldn’t have given a damn if it meant he’d end up fired in that moment, because if he didn’t go to the hospital, he was going to die. Her choice was final and she had braced herself for an argument - albeit a weak one from him - as she fumbled with her phone, dialling the emergency number, one eye on him all the while. It was particularly telling that he, finally, gave a nod of his head to consent to her calling for an ambulance, and she knew he had to be feeling utterly terrible to willingly let her do that. She tried not to dwell on it, however. It felt like the most difficult kind of multi-tasking, trying to keep the pressure on his wound, to call for help and keep an eye on him, but the love and worry she had for him was all the fuel she needed to keep going even when she felt utterly terrified. Lottie had lived a sheltered life, she could just about apply a band-aid to basic cuts and bruises when needed and this was way out of her comfort zone, but she acted on instinct to save the man she loved.

Once she had called the emergency services and they promised they were on their way, she shakily shoved her phone back into her pocket, focusing her attentions on Chris. It worried her that he’d closed his eyes, and she found herself fighting back tears when she had to leave him, if only for a brief moment, to let the ambulance crew inside. They took over from there, and she watched, almost shell-shocked as they loaded him onto a stretcher and onto the back of an ambulance. It was utterly overwhelming, it was terrifying, but her only focus became him. She didn’t even bother to correct the EMT when they labelled her as Chris’ girlfriend and gave her the opportunity to ride in the ambulance with them, not for a second caring about appearances when his life was on the line. Lottie slipped into the back, giving them space to work but unable to stop herself reaching for his hand, wanting to touch him to remind herself that he was alive. ‘’Stay with me, baby.’’ She murmured throatily, squeezing his hand firmly. 

The rest was a blur. She stayed with Chris when she could, but the Doctors worked fast and he needed surgery. He was whisked off to the operating room so fast that she felt like she had whiplash, and it was incredibly scary to be left alone, specks of blood splattered over her sweater and enough of the substance covering her hands. Lottie hadn’t even realised, her focus had been so narrow, but she had forced herself to clean up in the bathroom, her hands trembling as she worked to get them clean. Her shirt was another matter and she’d need clean clothes eventually but for the time being, she simply tugged it off, leaving her in jeans and a white tank top. Her next task had been to call Leo and Chris’s Mom, who had both rushed over to the hospital immediately.

The three of them had taken turns pacing for the hours that it took for them to operate and for him to recover from the anaesthesia. The Doctor had assured them that Chris would make a good recovery but he’d lost a lot of blood so he would be weak, and would need rest. He’d likely sleep for the next few hours but that hadn’t stopped his loved ones sitting in his room patiently, until Leo had insisted that Chris’s Mom needed to get something to eat, because it was late evening now. Lottie had refused, insisting that she was fine, and had simply settled in the chair beside his bed, slowly drifting off to sleep after a nightmare day, head rested in the palm of her hand. It was only when she heard a familiar voice that her head shot up, eyes opening quickly and she realised that she hadn’t been dreaming. ‘’You’re awake.’’ She breathed, almost in disbelief and definitely in relief. Her blue eyes widened, glassy at the sight of him, and she sat up quickly, moving to stand by the bed and tentatively rest her hand on top of his own.

‘‘You scared the shit out of me, Chris. Don’t ever do that again.’‘ 

He hated hospitals. He hated how sterile the environment was yet was rampant with the sick and injured. The very idea of a person cutting him open, only to rummage around in his insides, made his skin crawl, and waking up in a hospital felt like he had entered another nightmare. He initially ruled out the hospital because of his job, but as he laid in the hospital bed and donned a hospital gown and was covered in hospital sheets, Chris was reminded of why he was so vehemently against hospitals in the first place. Something about the atmosphere or the lighting or aura made him eager to leave, and upon waking, he immediately tried to sit up to get his bearings and to get out. Had a doctor or a nurse come in, he would have insisted that he was fine and was more than able to go home, but the pain that coursed through his side as he attempted to sit caused him to visibly wince, which wouldn’t have helped his case at all.

Seeing Lottie in the corner brought him comfort. If they were currently fighting, he had forgotten all about that, the argument and the night of the rally completely behind him as he called out for her. As she rose to meet him, he could see how tired she looked, her eyes puffy and pink from--what he was sure of--the long hours of waiting, and he felt guilty for putting her through this. She was the last person he wanted to have found him in his condition, and as much as he hated himself in that moment, he couldn’t deny the relief he felt when she moved to the side of his bed and took his hand, his thumb brushing over her soft skin as his head rested back against the pillow.

“What, don’t get stabbed again?” he replied, blurting out the first thing that came to mind. He meant it in a joking way, but the worry on her face reminded him of how serious this was for her, probably having waited around for him for hours. “I know. I’m sorry,” he said, feeling forlorn as he weakly squeezed over her hand. He pulled her hand close to him, giving her knuckles a kiss before letting their hands settle on his chest, and his eyes met hers. “You made the right call, baby. I was being stupid, and I’m really glad you didn’t listen to me. So thank you.” He let go of her hand and reached up, his finger tips grazing over her cheek before he pushed her disheveled hair out of her face. “I missed you,” he said, “I really, really missed you, and I’m sorry.” 

His brows furrowed then, eyes searching hers as he asked, “Wait, how are you going to explain this to your dad--that you’ve been gone so long and have been spending all day at the hospital?”

The worry and panic was beginning to rise in her chest as she looked at him and up down, itching to grab her cell phone and call them an ambulance immediately. She was suddenly so glad that Leo had called her, his worry getting the better of him, because she wasn’t sure Chris could have waited until his partner had finished work and came to check on him - if he carried on like this, he’d probably be dead. The thought sent a chill through her, biting down on her lip as she watched him sit down heavily on the toilet seat, the perspiration beginning to shine on his forehead. He was getting pale and clammy, and while she certainly wasn’t a Doctor, she knew that wasn’t a good sign at all. 

Swallowing the lump in her throat, she stepped forward, every instinct in her body screaming at her to help him. Lottie felt woefully unprepared, sighing when he spoke about his job. She understood his worry, but she had to admit that she didn’t particularly care about him getting suspended in that moment. ‘’Chris…’’ She was wary of upsetting him further, however, when they were already in a fight but her will power was quickly fading as she witnessed him deteriorating in front of her eyes. Just hearing him call her baby had her melting, stepping forward quickly when he reached for her head. Dutifully, she pressed her hand against the wound as hard as she could do, her worried eyes taking in sight of his pale face. 

‘‘Baby,’‘ Lottie began, letting out an incredulous and exasperated laugh as she pressed her hand against his side firmly, trying to apply the pressure needed to stem the bleeding, before she continued, ‘‘I always worry about you because I love you, and I’m not letting you bleed out on your bathroom floor, alright? It’s not happening.’‘ A heavy exhale left her as she looked at him, concerned that he was struggling to even hold his head up now. He was going to pass out, she was sure of it, and her assistance wasn’t enough to get him through. She might be able to knit, but she had absolutely no idea how to stitch a wound and she doubted a blunt needle and thread would do the trick either. They needed medical attention, and she didn’t care whether he was angry with her for it - as long as he was alive and well enough to tell her that he was still angry. 

‘‘I’m sorry, but I’m calling for help.’‘ She murmured, giving him an apologetic look as she reached her hand into her back pocket, fumbling for her cell phone and calling 911. 

He didn’t have the energy to fight her anymore. Internally, he was panicking, his mind going in every which way to continue fighting her on her decision out of fear that he would be suspended but also to fully acknowledge the gravity of his situation, but he knew that she was right--that he needed to go to the hospital. If not for him, then he needed to go for her, his reckless decision impacting more than just his own life if he decided to fight her any further. With his eyes closed, he managed a nod, a sigh leaving him as he relaxed against the cold stone surface of the toilet back and listened to his girlfriend’s panicked voice talking into her phone. 

The next few hours came to him in flashes, his consciousness coming in and out as the ambulance arrived and carried him out of his apartment in a stretcher. He could hardly even remember the ambulance ride, feeling as if he was suddenly wheeled out of the back of the ambulance and into the hospital bay in a quick second. He could only make out parts of sentences, words that would only be pieced together later, indicating that he needed to get to surgery immediately. His trip to the emergency room and then the operating room occurred in fragmented pieces, and everything he could recall felt like disjointed pieces that lead him to wake up suddenly in a bed, a dull light shining behind him followed by rhythmic beeping of the monitor beside him. 

He groaned at the sharp pain at his side, this one different from the sharp pain he experienced from the knife that struck him. It was duller but lasting, making it difficult for him as he attempted to sit up in the hospital bed to properly look around. He had to give up when the pain was too much, and he turned his head then to try and find a bar or something to latch on to. That’s when he spotted Lottie, sitting in the corner of the room, her head cradled in her palm as she slept, and he felt his stomach sink as he realized she had stayed with him through the trip, hating that himself for making her worry and for wasting her time. 

“Lottie,” he said, his voice coming out as a weak croak before he cleared his throat and tried again, “Lottie, baby.” 

The sight of him in front of her was concerning. She had always been scared of him getting hurt at work, the thought always in the back of her mind whenever she knew he was at a crime scene or investigating some kind of dangerous criminal with Leo. He was dealing with dodgy people all the time, and Lottie had never stopped being concerned that something could happen. So far, he’d been safe but now she realised that something had happened, and he was not okay. Even if he was clearly determined to keep going, to keep moving and ignore her as much as possible, she wasn’t an idiot and could very much see that he was injured. It looked like he’d been stabbed, maybe, a thought that was utterly horrifying and she was already reaching into her back pocket, ready to call an ambulance for him even if she knew he’d hate that. 

‘‘Scraped?’‘ She questioned incredulously, spinning around to continue looking at him as he moved around in the bathroom, clearly eager to get everything sorted with his wound. He looked paler than usual, moving slower, and Lottie knew that he was in pain even if he was trying to hide it. Their relationship might not have been perfect but despite all of that, she knew him and she knew him well. He was the quiet type, he didn’t always voice his opinions, so she felt as if she’d gotten good at learning his verbal cues and reading the expressions on his face. ‘‘Jesus, Chris, it looks like you’ve been stabbed!’‘ Her voice raised, this time with panic and worry, rather than any kind of negative emotion. With the paleness to his face and blood oozing from the wound, she was growing increasingly concerned about his desire to patch things up by himself. 

A huffed breath left her, shaking her head. ‘’Leo called, said that you’d left work early and he was worried about you. I thought– well, I thought I should check on you and it’s a good job I did…’’ She trailed off, shaking her head at him and stepping closer, tentatively reaching a hand to touch his arm. He was still angry at her, she understood that, but Lottie didn’t really care about their argument when she could see that he had lost a lot of blood and was essentially denying his injuries. That had become her priority, and she didn’t care how angry he got with her. 

‘‘You can’t just patch up a stab wound with a bandaid, Chris, we’ve gotta get you to hospital.’‘ 

He couldn’t blame her disbelief when he had insisted he was fine, knowing that he was trapped in that bathroom as she moved further inside. He was obviously lying when he said it was a scrape, the cut looking deeper than he thought in the mere few seconds he had to inspect it, but he didn’t want to let on that it was anything serious--anything he couldn’t handle on his own. But he was starting to really feel like shit, feeling light-headed as she stepped closer to him and started to raise her voice. His hand reached out to close the lid of the toilet bowl first before he sat down and leaned against the cold porcelain, realizing now how hot he was feeling and starting to sweat as he took in a deep breath. He was starting to lose strength, unable to put any more pressure on the wound, and he looked up, his vision blurry as he tried to focus on his girlfriend.

“We can’t,” he managed through his breathing, “I can’t go. I was at the scene alone. I’ll be suspended.” He felt like he couldn’t support the weight of his head anymore, and he turned to rest his uninjured side against the back of the toilet, his head tilting to rest against it. “Please, just help me out,” he said weakly, his free hand reaching out to grab hers and pull her close to him, “Baby, come here. Just press your hand there.” He lead her hand to his side, placing it over his on the bandage, and he closed his eyes, doing his best to breathe deeply through the pain and faintness.

“I’m sorry,” he said before his hand fell to his side, beginning to lose the strength to even hold it up, “I don’t want to worry you or anyone else.” 

A part of Lottie had wanted to do this for days, ever since he’d walked out of the supply closet and left her alone. She had desperately wanted to leave the party early and head over to his apartment so they could talk it through and make up, but Gary hadn’t even given her the opportunity to do such a thing and she hadn’t been able to. She’d sent a text, instead, simply telling him that she was sorry, but she’d gotten no response. And no response to any of the texts she’d sent after that, either, and she was torn between being guilty, hurt, and angry. Ultimately, she felt a mixture of all three emotions because she knew it was all her own fault and he was well within his rights to be angry with her, but she was desperately trying to fix things and make it better for the two of them, and it left her almost pissed off that he wasn’t giving her the chance to do that. 

The call from Leo had been the final push that Lottie had needed to try and put an end to this madness. It was incredibly out of character for Chris to go home in the middle of the day, something she’d never really seen him do. Even when he’d had the damn flu a few months into their relationship, she’d had to force him into taking a day off and he definitely hadn’t been happy about it, so she could tell that there was something up with him. Maybe he was just distracted by what was happening in their relationship or maybe he genuinely was sick, and she wanted to know either way - because despite their argument, she loved him deeply and wanted to make sure that he was okay either way. Even if he was still angry with her and wanted to leave, then she’d known about it. 

Pushing her key into the lock, she gently pushed the door open, stepping inside the apartment. Cook came bounding towards her almost immediately, clearly quite pleased to see her after a 3-day break and she did find herself smiling briefly, petting the door fondly. ‘’Hey, buddy, I missed you.’’ She murmured softly, bending down to embrace him and shooting a glance around her, half expecting Chris to enter the room and ask her what she was doing there. Instead, it was quiet in the apartment and she bit at her lip, slowly rising up and patting Cook’s head, beginning to walk further inside. After a moment, she heard the sound of running water and realised that Chris was in his bathroom, and she took steps towards the room, half expecting that the door would be closed because he was showering or something.

Instead, it was open and her eyes widened as she took in the sight of her boyfriend and more importantly, the sudden hole in his side. ‘’Chris–’’ Lottie began, about to apologise for intruding until she realised that he was holding a blood soaked piece of gauze. Her face fell, eyes filled with surprise and horror as she stepped into the bathroom with him, taking in sight of the makeshift first-aid kit. ‘’Oh my god, what the hell happened to you?’’ 

This was the last person he wanted to see. Although he had missed talking to her and being around her over the last several days, Chris hated himself for causing her any worry or concern. He had never wanted to be a burden to her, especially considering all the hoops she had to jump through just to date someone like him, and seeing her expression flash from surprise to fear made him cower away, backing up into some corner of the bathroom to get away from her. “I’m fine,” he answered immediately, stubbornly avoiding eye contact with her and turning away to continue what he was doing, “It’s nothing. I just got scraped. You didn’t have to come check on me or anything.”

He threw the saturated gauze into the sink and opened the medicine cabinet to try and find more bandages to throw on the wound, now visible as his arms lifted and rifled through the cabinet. He was slow-moving, feeling weaker and weaker as he lost more and more blood, and had he taken a second to glance in the mirror, he would have noticed just how pale he was getting. All he could focus on was slapping another bandage on his wound and calling it a day, hoping that it would all go away and that he could avoid suspension if possible, but things became more complicated as he realized that Lottie was still standing there, watching him with growing concern on her features. 

“How did you know to come over anyway?” he asked, unable to hide the accusatory tone in his voice as he found a couple of four by four bandages, “Did Leo tell you to come check on me or something? Because you shouldn’t have. It’s really nothing.” He ripped open the packaging and pulled out the strips, holding it to his left side.

Even as she spoke, she knew she was probably going to start a difficult conversation between the two of them, the one that they always tried so desperately to avoid. But she was feeling upset, she felt frustrated, and the embarrassment factored into that as well. The sting of rejection hit her hard, her cheeks still flushed with a mixture of embarrassment and annoyance. Not necessarily just annoyance towards him, it was more of a general feeling of anger and frustration towards the situation and namely, herself. Lottie was so angry with herself and her own cowardice, and she had never felt such a strong sense of self hatred until that very moment, because she knew all of this was her own doing. She could have prevented all of it by just telling the truth, she could save them so much hurt and trouble if she was just that little bit braver. But she wasn’t and instead, they were stuck going around in circles. 

It made her jump when he raised his voice, cursing at her, but she quickly recovered from the shock of his reaction, feeling just as worked up as he looked. The frustration bubbled beneath the surface, her hands falling to her hips as she looked at him up and down. Her heart clenched painfully when he spoke about not being good enough for her, hating that idea so completely. Lottie knew, deep down, that she wasn’t doing anything to help soothe those fears and she felt terribly guilty for that, but that didn’t mean it was true. ‘’No, no, no. It is not because of that! You are good enough. You are so much better than this awful, vain world and I would tell you that every damn day if you ever actually talked to me about these feeling you have!’’ She rose her voice, aware that she shouldn’t shout at him for admitting his feelings and she wasn’t, really - she was angry at him for not talking about those feelings and letting things build until they exploded like this. 

‘‘All I want for you is to actually talk to me. To not act like a damn robot whenever this subject comes up and pretend that it doesn’t matter. You don’t have to be afraid to fight with me, Chris!’‘ Lottie retorted stubbornly, throwing her hands out to the side in an exasperated gesture. He had come so far in talking about his emotions, he could talk about his feelings for her now and she was so grateful for that, but she still felt as if he had walls up that he never let her see behind. Feelings that he kept secret, that he didn’t tell her about, and that hurt her, because all she wanted was for them to be able to talk to each other. If they didn’t, she feared he’d end up resenting her. 

‘‘I know I’m a coward and I’ll admit that, but you know what? You’re a damn coward sometimes too.’‘ 

He watched her in disbelief, his mouth agape as she screamed back at him. He didn’t have words for her then, and he stood there for a moment, letting her words settle between them. His initial anger dimmed down, evolved into a new kind of sadness as he realized she wasn’t listening to him but blaming him for not wanting to voice how he felt over a situation that wasn’t going to change, and as much as he wanted to believe her words to be true--that he was good enough for her--he had never felt so inadequate, especially now as she yelled at him, practically begging him to be better when all he wanted was to bear the brunt of his emotions alone without worrying her. “What difference does it make?” he said quietly, “You can tell me I’m good enough all you want, but I’m still being replaced at the end of the day. So what’s the point of me saying anything if nothing’s going to change?”

His eyes fell to the ground, and he shook his head, hands moving to tuck his shirt back in his pants as he prepared to leave. “Look, I don’t want to do this right now,” he said, “We can keep that plan of you dating Daniel, so your dad doesn’t get any more suspicious. But I don’t want to stand here anymore and have you yell at me for keeping my feelings to myself because I don’t want to burden you or ask you to change anything. That’s not what I want. Whatever you want to do, I’ll happily support you, but I just need a minute to wrap my head around the fact that you’re going to be splitting your time between me and this other guy.” 

Adjusting his coat, he turned on his heel and made his way for the door. “I’ll see you, Lottie,” he said, stepping outside and leaving her alone.

Until we sort it out. They both knew that they’d been trying to sort the situation out for the best part of ten months, dodging disaster after disaster and trying to cling to their relationship. Lottie had promised herself every single month since they’d met that it would be the time that she’d finally tell her parents the truth and stop hiding, but each time something came up. Maybe Gary had an important business event that month, maybe something had reminded them of her brother at a family dinner and she’d been left feeling hollow and concerned, aware that she could be alienated just like he had been and she wasn’t sure she was strong enough to deal with that. Whatever the reason, she hadn’t yet gone through with it and she was well aware of how much of a coward she was. It had always just been easier to try and balance her two lives, to keep all the plates spinning, without disrupting everything but now she was worried that they had one complication too many. 

The thoughts were spinning around and around in her head, making her feel a little bit faint, and she had been hoping that Chris would distract her. The feel of his lips against her own had been the best kind of distraction, stopping the voices in her head for those brief moments and she’d felt no issue with attempting to tug his shirt from his pants, an attempt at making her desires known. It wouldn’t have been the first time they’d fucked in some kind of closet space at these events, and doubted it would be the last with the way things were currently going. They were good at stealing their moments, after all, and she let out a surprised breath when she felt his hand grabbing her wrist, stopping her from moving forward with her plans. 

Lottie pulled back to look at him, a look of surprise and bewilderment in her eyes as he questioned her. ‘’I– why wouldn’t I be sure?’’ She questioned throatily, a sinking feeling running through her body. Her cheeks flushed, feeling embarrassed that he was essentially rejecting her when she had been throwing herself at him, and it made her take a step back, untangling herself from his hold so she could think clearly. She felt defensive, and frankly, hurt. It wasn’t like she would ever force him into something he didn’t want to do or wasn’t comfortable with, but she wasn’t used to rejection from him and she felt certain that it meant he was more angry with her than he was letting on. And that was incredibly frustrating, and it had her sighing, letting out a breathy groan of frustration as she briefly looked up to the ceiling and then back at him.  

‘‘If you don’t want me, that’s fine, but if this is just your way of being angry at me for what happened tonight, then there’s no need to be passive aggressive, Chris. Just tell me how you actually feel for once.’‘ 

Chris wasn’t sure what was happening. Usually, he would have been more than glad to pick her up, pull her dress up, and take her in that storage closet. They had done it so many times before, but the excitement of sneaking around had long lost its novelty, especially in moments like these where he was forced to face the harsh reality that Lottie could never truly be his--or at least, until life became less complicated for them. These thoughts burdened his mind, like a cloud constantly hanging over him, and he couldn’t focus on having sex with her, feeling sad that their night had taken such a turn over a simple decision made by her father. Even in these moments where it was just them, it felt like reality had harshly sunk in for him, which caused his hand to grab hers, stopping her from pulling his shirt out of his pants completely. 

“I--” he paused, hoping that he could find a moment to take a breath, but as she stared up at him, a harsh accusation in her eyes, he felt completely overwhelmed and that he was suffering from whiplash. Suddenly, she took a step back, and he had never felt colder as if all of his blood had rushed out of him, completely losing his bearings. “No, that’s not it. I do want you. It’s just--” he said, suddenly feeling frustrated again, his brows furrowing as he struggled to put together what he was feeling and thinking. He had been more than happy to push his feelings aside, to swallow his pride in favor of letting his girlfriend live another life with another man, but her own anger was beginning to bring back his own, feeling as if he had given her such a huge pass and being punished for it. 

“Fuck, Lottie!” he exclaimed, his voice raised and a hand running through his short hair while the other rested on his hips. He stared to the ground, chewing on his bottom lip as he shook his head. “What the fuck do you want from me, huh?” he continued, his nostrils flared and his jaw clenched as his eyes met hers. “I’m trying my best here, okay? I can’t just--I just found out that my fucking girlfriend has to pretend to date another man because I’m not good enough for her. Is that what you want to hear, huh? And you want to know what I can do about it? Not a fucking thing. How fucking sad is that? So excuse me for being distracted, okay?” He bit at his lower lip, his eyes darting away as he let out a sharp exhale. 

It was typical Lottie to try and cling to the positives, to try and make the situation sound helpful rather than the nightmare it actually was. It was all growing ever more complicated, and the last thing she really wanted to do was involve another person into the twisted mess. She didn’t want another man’s hands on her, even if it was just feigned affection for pictures and the sake of people in public, and she could only imagine how it would make Chris feel to see that, since she felt irritated when he talked about finding a damn actress attractive. He might not show that jealousy very often, he had much stronger self control than her, but she knew that he felt it, and she was concerned about how this new development would affect him, even if he refused to talk to her about it. 

A soft exhale left her as he pulled her closer, his body warm against her own as she settled her head against his shoulder. It did make her snort with laughter when he pointed out that Emily wasn’t a particularly good liar, a hum of agreement leaving her. He was definitely right there, and she was lucky that Emily didn’t spend a lot of time with her parents, because the girl would definitely fall apart if she was questioned too much. Em was just too nice, too good, and it did make Lottie wary of basing her lies on her but it’d been her only option at the time. ‘’Yeah, it could be good for us.’’ She agreed softly, giving him a light squeeze. ‘’To take the pressure off of us, until we can sort it all out.’’ The words sounded pathetic, even to her, because she had no time-frame to offer him, all she had was the love she had for him and she could only hope that remained enough. That their love was enough to see them through.

Slowly pulling back, she tilted her head up to capture his lips in a kiss, her hands sliding to his shoulders. Lottie wanted to lose herself in him, to forget about everything and everything else, especially the fact that she was going to have to fake a relationship just to keep a hold of this one. A little voice in her head reminded her that if she wasn’t such a fucking coward, none of this would be an issue, because she’d be brave enough to tell her family what she wanted, but she silenced that voice by deepening their kiss, deep and slow until she had to break it to take a breath. She lingered in close, however, her lips ghosting over his own, and her hands beginning to slide down his chest, beginning to tug the shirt tucked into his pants. An attempt at a distraction, for both of them. 

‘‘I’d say we’ve got about ten minutes before someone notices I’m missing, but I think we can make that work, right?’‘

He felt more at ease as she laughed, the tension in his shoulders completely gone as she leaned her head against his shoulder, and he rubbed his thumb over the small of her back soothingly. The more she said it, the more he began to believe it, finding it easier to take her word for it than to get himself twisted over something that could have been worse--he could have lost her entirely. Although small lingering part of him still wondered how this would change their dynamic, he looked forward to seeing more of her, having her spend more time at his apartment and more if her parents really believed she was dating someone else. It would have made certain aspects of their relationship easier, not having to worry over what would happen if her parents saw a text or phone call from him when she could shrug it off as Daniel. 

“Yeah, just until we sort it out,” he answered her with a nod, which was good enough for him for now. His eyes shifted to meet hers as she pulled her head back, and his eyes slowly closed as she captured his lips with hers. He kissed her back slowly, his head tilting as she deepened the kiss, and his hand moved to cup her cheek, his thumb brushing over her cheek. He took a breath when she pulled away, his eyes falling to her lips as she lingered in close, and he nudged his nose against hers, a breath escaping him when he realized she was tugging his shirt out of his pants.

His hand moved hers suddenly, stopping her from moving any further, his brows furrowed as he looked down at her and paused. “Whoa, whoa, wait,” he said, his hand grabbing her wrist and pulling it away while the other still cupped her cheek, “Are you sure about this?” Normally, he would have been more than happy to have sex with her in the closet, but the idea that she was getting a new boyfriend was still fresh in his mind. 

As his expression changed, softening into something that wasn’t so concerning, she realised that he was giving into her. Like he usually did, really. Aside from what had happened with Ethan, when Chris had blown up and fucked her on his kitchen counter out of anger and frustration, she hadn’t really seen him lose his calm like that, at least where their relationship was concerned. Lottie expected it, frequently, she had truly been expecting this little closet encounter to end up in a screaming match because of how hurt he’d clearly been, but he was obviously trying. At the first sign of her own upset and distress, he gave in, which should have made her happy, but it didn’t, not really. Instead it just made her more concerned about the moment his frustrations would finally pour over and be revealed. She worried that she was placing more and more worry and frustration upon his shoulders, giving him more lies to tell, that eventually he was going to snap and decide she wasn’t worth it. 

A soft sigh left her as she inwardly tried to decide whether it was worth telling him to be honest with her, to be angry if he wanted to be, but then his hands were on her face, touching her, and she melted. Lottie’s arms slid up around his shoulders, closing the distance between them so that her chest was pressed against his own. Her eyes met his, a tender glance between them. Things were complicated and she feared they were about to get even more so, but she was willing to do just about anything if it meant she could keep her two world’s balanced for a bit longer.

The thought of having to date Daniel, if only for appearances, wasn’t a great one, but it could have been worse. He was a good guy and she was sure he’d understand if she told him she just needed to keep her Dad off of her back for a while, without continually trying to seduce her. Or at least she hoped so, because there was no way her fake relationship could move beyond that. ‘’I don’t want to, I don’t, but… it could work for us. If he thinks I’m being a good daughter and dating Daniel for real, then he stops being suspicious, right? I can go out, I can spend the night with you again, without worrying that he’s wondering where I am.’’ It would involve telling Gary that she was spending the night at Daniel’s, but it was a lie she was willing to tell if it brought them more time together. 

Sighing again, she rested her forehead against his own, wrestling with her own sense of guilt and loathing. It certainly wasn’t fair to put Chris through that, to make him witness it, but she would argue that it gave them more time to actually be together. ‘’Tell me if you think I’m being crazy. Please.’’

As her eyes met his, he was reminded of why he tried so hard for her in the first place. He realized how pervasive of a figure she was in his life. Every little decision he made, he made with her in mind, and he wondered at what point in their relationship did he start planning for a future with her--how his life evolved from one of solitude to making sure his every action and inaction was one that still kept her in his life. He was trying as he set aside his ego and took her jaw in his hands, fighting back the desire to still be angry with her, her dad, and now her new boyfriend. The very thought of another man being able to touch her made his heart sink, but the way she looked up at him then made him realize how much he trusted her to stay in his life and how much he wanted her to stay in the first place.

As she pointed out every silver lining she could, he did his best to remain optimistic, and his eyes closed as her forehead pressed against his. With a sigh, he shook his head, and his hands dropped from her jaw to wrap his arms around her waist, keeping her body pressed close to his. “This whole thing is crazy, baby,” he murmured, a simple fact that actually made him feel better--that whatever was happening was beyond his control and feeling her warm body against his was comfort enough. He pulled his head back to press a kiss to her forehead, and his arms squeezed around her frame as he hugged her to his chest.

“I think you might be right,” he said finally, staring off at the space behind her as he hugged her close, “It could be a blessing in disguise, and you could spend more time over without lying to your parents and dragging Emily into it. She’s never been an amazing liar if I’m being honest.” At his last sentiment, a soft laugh escaped him as he tried to picture her friend nervously work through a lie, especially with a suspicious Gary Baker. He turned his head to nuzzle his nose into her hair, taking a breath and sighing out as he took in her familiar scent. 

“This could be good for us.”

His words hit her like a slap to the face, realising now more than ever that Gary’s words had definitely had an effect, and she had to control her emotions not to do something stupid like cry or snap back at him, because she didn’t want them to fight. He was angry with her, she could feel that radiating off of him in waves and it took all her will power to hold her ground, to keep herself together. She was relieved when he stepped into the supply closet with her without too much of a protest, letting her tug him inside so they could speak privately. There was no way she could have waited until after the rally was over to have this conversation, her lack of patient always an issue where these things were concerned. She simply couldn’t stew in all her thoughts and feelings, aware that he was still in the room and so close to her, yet she wasn’t able to be with him like she wanted to be. 

Lottie bit down on her lip when he questioned her, clearly aware that Gary’s words weren’t completely meaningless. They might not have held a lot of truth but that didn’t mean they weren’t going to have some kind of effect on their relationship and she was going to have to deal with the situation in some way. ‘’I’m still sorry.’’ She explained softly, aware that his words were still incredibly pointed. Deep down, they both knew she could help it. If she was willing to, she could end all of this frustration and difficulty between them, she could tell her parents about them, but then that would create a whole new host of problems. It was like being stuck between a rock and a hard place. 

Letting out a breathy sigh, she looked down at the floor, unable to quite put the words together to explain. ‘’I– I don’t know, Chris, I just– I think my Dad thinks that Daniel is good for the campaign.’’ She reached out to touch at his arm, hating feeling as if she was a thousand miles away from him when they were barely inches apart. ‘’It’s just for appearances. Maybe– maybe if he, and everyone else, thinks I’m dating Daniel, it could take the spotlight off of us?’’ 

He could clearly see how apologetic she was, knowing that she meant it when she said she was sorry. He felt like a total scumbag as her voice dropped and her eyes fell to the floor. Despite her trying her best to withhold her emotions, he could tell that his words had left a bitter sting, and he hated himself for reacting that way, hurting her to some degree even if he was hurting too. It took him a moment to swallow his pride, his shoulders relaxing and suddenly realizing how tense he was in the first place. In his eyes, her father had just threatened their relationship, and in response, he was more than ready to fight whoever crossed him next.

But he let all of that go, features softening as he watched her struggle to salvage what she could of their relationship, choosing to look at the bright side while he remained pessimistic. He took a deep breath then, and his hands reached up to cup her jaw, tilting her head back to look up at him. As he searched her features, his thumb brushed over her cheeks soothingly, and he chewed on his lower lip as he let her words sink in. He didn’t like the idea of another man taking his place, but after spending countless nights together, he trusted that she loved him and would stick with him no matter how hard it would get.

“Yeah, maybe,” he said dejectedly, slowly accepting that this may have been their best option, “If it’s what you need, then I’m on board, okay? If this is what it takes for your dad to be satisfied, then so be it.” He pursed his lips, a small part of him regretting giving in, but he felt like he didn’t have a choice, struggling to come to terms that his girlfriend would be someone else’s, even if it was only for appearances. “We’ll figure this out,” he assured her.

If she didn’t know any better, she would have thought that Chris was avoiding her. Every time she’d tried to catch his eye, he’d turned away, he’d found something more interesting to look at, and that made her heart ache. She was used to them seeking each other out at these events, taking every opportunity to touch or steal a moment together, but this, this was different, and it had her feeling concerned for them. Lottie still had no idea why her Father had picked that moment to reveal that he wanted her to date Daniel, even if just for appearances, and she was desperately trying to convince herself that there was no way Gary could know about Chris. Even if he suspected she was dating someone, he couldn’t know that it was their local friendly Detective, he just couldn’t. 

With the noise and buzz of the main ballroom out of the way, she grabbed at his arm, feeling relieved when he at least turned to look at her. Her face fell, however, when she heard his comment and heard the mixture of hurt and sarcasm within it. ‘’I– that’s not fair.’’ She protested quickly, her grip tightening on his arm. Lottie’s eyes darted around them in the corridor, aware that they were five foot away from the party and anyone could come searching for the bathroom at any point and she couldn’t get caught like this. Instead, she reached her spare hand to try the door handle of the supply closet and once she realised it was open, she pulled him inside with her. 

It was dark in there, a fact that made her sigh. Lottie released her grip on Chris’ hand so she could fumble for a light switch, her heart pounding in her chest. After a moment, the closet was filled with light and she could see the endless cleaning supplies, the room very small in size and it meant they were close together, even if he was apparently unhappy with her. ‘’I’m sorry, alright?’’ She sighed, one hand reaching to brush her hair back from her face in a stressed out manner. ‘’I had no idea he was going to do that. I mean, Jesus, I had no idea what he was even talking about. I’m not dating anyone but you.’’ The blonde pointed out, gesturing towards him before biting down on her bottom lip. 

‘‘Daniel is a friend. He doesn’t mean anything to me, you know that, right?’‘ 

He clenched his jaw, choosing to bite his tongue as she protested. That’s not fair. It made him laugh bitterly as he shook his head disapprovingly, eyes darting away from her. “Yeah, right,” he said curtly, “It’s not fair.” He wanted to pull away from her and be on his way, but with her tightened grip on his arm and his ever-present desire to be around her, he let her drag him into the cramped storage closet. His arms were folded over his chest as the light turned on, doing his best to keep his distance but still forced to face her as they stood in front of each other, only centimeters away from touching. 

Chris felt a mixture of emotions ranging from frustrated to angry to envious as he stared down at her and listened to her explanation, and the easiest thing to be was to be jealous because he couldn’t be angry with her for not saying anything. He knew what he signed up for all those months ago when she explained her situation, and he had gone by without any complaints for so long that now didn’t feel like an appropriate time to let her know how difficult this was getting for him. He felt like he couldn’t be mad at Gary who was her flesh and blood and who was her lifeline, and what was left was his jealousy. Deep down he knew that she was his but only in secret, and he wish he had the freedom and approval that Daniel had, feeling as if the one thing that Chris wanted was right within reach but still so unattainable.

“Why are you sorry?” he asked brusquely, his shoulder lifted up into a shrug, “It’s not like you could help it, right?” He pursed his lips, stopping himself from saying any further, knowing that his thoughts were harsh, but she didn’t deserve it. He let out a sigh, his eyes darting around the closet as he tried to think of the right thing to say. “What does he mean then?” he questioned, “What did he mean when he said you were dating Daniel now? Is there something you’re not telling me because I feel like I’m in the dark here, Lottie.”

Lottie felt sick. Her heart hammered in her chest as she looked between Gary and Chris, unable to quite get the words out that described exactly how she felt. She had no idea why her Father had decided to tell him that, whether he was suspicious of their relationship and wanted to put a spanner in the works or he genuinely expected that she was going to start dating Daniel. She knew him, fairly well, and she’d admittedly noticed that he’d begun to start attending more and more events with her family lately, that she’d received a few texts from him outside of those events, but it wasn’t as if she had ever considered he - or her Father - wanted there to be something more. Even if it was a secret, she was dating someone else and she had absolutely no intention of changing that. 

Chris’ reaction didn’t do anything to help her current guilt level, and she wanted to throw up as he quickly made his excuses and walked away, barely looking at her as he did so. She wanted to scream, to grab his arm and reassure him that she had absolutely no idea what he was talking about but instead, all she could do was remain frozen on the spot. Gary patted her arm, seemingly sensing her confusion. ‘’Daniel is a good match for you, my girl. And he’s a good match for our campaign.’’ It was his only explanation for the choice he’d made and she began to sense that the conversation hadn’t just been about his suspicions. No, he still continuing to think about his work and his campaign, about how her life would affect them, and it made her want to scream at him. 

Instead, she managed a small smile and a nod. The ever accepting, acquiescent and dutiful daughter. 

No matter what happened, she was not dating Daniel. Not really, not truly, and she needed Chris to know that. It was hard to find the opportunity to escape her parents company but eventually, nearly an hour after that fateful conversation, she spotted him going off on his rounds and decided to follow him out of the main ballroom. Once they were in an empty corridor, near the bathrooms and the supply closets, she reached out to grab Chris’ arm, biting down on her lip. 

‘‘Can we talk?’‘

Chris walked away in a daze, unsure of what had happened and what that conversation had meant. Gary’s comment had been too pointed to have been just a coincidence. In the months that he had known the Senator, not once did he ever talk about Lottie, only about his campaign, his platform, and his promises, and it was easy to connect the dots--that Gary had figured them out. Why else would he have been compelled to tell Chris at point blank that Charlotte was happily dating someone else? Daniel fucking Strasburg.

Chris had always harbored some sort of suspicion against Daniel, given how much the guy texted Charlotte and how often he was around at Baker events, fulfilling every boyfriend role that Chris should have been in, but Chris bit his tongue. He was never the jealous type, not around Lottie because he knew where her heart was, but this encounter made him feel like he had been blind-sided, unsure of what to make of the conversation he just had and questioning everything he knew about his relationship. Did she know that this was her father’s plan, and if she did, why didn’t she tell him? Why didn’t she say anything to him? Why didn’t she say anything just now?

He felt like he was spiraling, his thoughts wounding in circles as he tried to piece together how Gary could have known or if Gary really knew, and his mind detoured to Lottie again, his frustration building as he thought of all the different ways he could have responded better. For now, he felt like a wounded animal, limping along and licking his wounds as he stared blankly around the room. Underneath it all, he wondered what was going to happen to them if she was supposed to be dating Daniel, completely disregarding the idea that she could ever rebel against her parents. He just couldn’t see that alternative being a real possibility. 

He didn’t want to talk to Lottie, afraid of where their conversation could end if they discussed what just happened, and as he skulked around the room, he made sure to avoid her, turning the other direction when he saw her socializing with someone else. It was easy to avoid someone who didn’t want to be seen with him in the first place, but that only lasted so long before he heard her voice and felt her hand grabbing his arm as he reached the secluded area by the storage closet.

He turned slowly, dreading the conversation, and he let out a deep sigh. “What’s there to talk about--your new boyfriend and how cute of a couple you guys would make?” he said.