hate the sin, love the sinner

god, I feel so terrible that I didn’t get to answer this ask when it was actually relevant– please accept my absolute sincerest apologies @thenewtransactivists ;0;

but to answer the question as if it were still relevant, just for the sake of answering it– I personally love the name Aaron/Erin/etc (the way it is pronounced out loud) because it is ambiguous in the sense that it isn’t necessarily a unisex name, inherently– but said aloud, it could be either be interpreted as “Aaron” in the masculine sense, “Erin” in feminine, or a name I tried going by for a while, “Arin”, which I considered to be unisex (I LOVE that name tbh, but by the point I tried using it, people had already pretty much rebranded me as ‘Niko’ for good hahah), or simply bungle the listener to the point where they’re unsure, and give up on assuming your gender?

dear lord.

omg are you even a real person–

unless this message has been rotting in my inbox for over 2½ years, then I’m not single, no. I’ve been with my current (but also first, mind you) boyfriend since 12/27/16

here’s a picture of us dressed as the Humbolt penguins Hululu + Grape-Kun:

M1NTSU ---> milkmatchas

same old average me in my daily attire: devil horn hat, enamel pins, vintage windbreakers, 1940′s Japanese coin necklace.

living with my bf at my parents’ and soon restarting college slow + steady through online classes, which I’m mildly proud of I guess. but I’m also struggling as I watch my peers I grew up with graduating in recent weeks, going off to grad school, doing all the things I wish I could do were I not permanently sick to the point of being disabled.

I could go into detail about recent procedures I’ve had, how much I despise being sick, but you’ve heard it all before. I’m also watching and praying for a friend in Brasil who can’t get anywhere bc his town is out of gas, and will be ou of food and water in a couple of days due to national crisis. That puts a lot of my ‘problems’ into perspective, too.

I have almost every single symptom on the long list of characterizing symptoms of Neuroblastoma, specifically. it would explain so many of my straggling symtpoms we’ve never been able to figure out or tie to any of my other illnesses.

but I don’t want dying this young, with this much ahead of me to be a possibility. I don’t want neuroblastoma to be an option, even if it makes sense.

I’m almost thankful nobody takes assuming temporary webmd self-diagnosis seriously. that they’d laugh at me if I brought it up as a possibility, so it’s not a possibility, if I compartmentalize it that much.

I’m so scared. my anxiety hasn’t been this bad maybe in years, as of these new eye problems. these are also similar to the eye issues + neck weakness my dad displayed before that mystery illness where he almost died 3 times recently, if any of you remember that

✩ Got a job at JOANN Fabric and Craft, thus ending the lengthy job odyssey. manager seems extremely accommodating to disabilities, which is a major ++

✩ Made some little memorial paw print impressions of my big doggo’s paw, because he turned 10 years old this month (and I wanted a permanent memento of him, as he doesn’t wear a collar/dog tag)! Pretty long lived and healthy for a breed with an average lifespan of 7-8 years-- no signs of pain or disability, either~

✩ Speaking of disabilities, I think I’ve developed a strabismus, which is just a fancy word for ‘lazy eye’. For those who aren’t familiar with my illnesses, it’s quite common in Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome due to hypermobility/laxness in the muscles in your skull that move your eyeballs around. 

My brother has had many strabismus in each eye, and three corrective surgeries-- twice in one and once in the other. He doesn’t give two shits about his appearance (which he attributes to his aspergers) and isn’t squeamish about eyes, though.

For me, this is an absolute NIGHTMARE that I’ve literally been dreading since my brother first had one of his eyes start to drift. It’s getting harder to read. I’m extremely squeamish about eye stuff, and the concept of semi-conscious surgery on my EYE makes me literally tear up and tremble (I am rn, tbh). From a superficial angle, I’ve always been slightly creeped out/unsettled by lazy eyes (starting when I first met someone with a wall eye-- my 8th grade geometry teacher), because I feel like the other person is acting unpredictably, and that I could be being watched without knowing-- other unreasonable anxiety things. I don’t want to be that person making other people feel uncomfortable with my freaky, pathetic drifting eye that I can’t control or see with...

I swear, there were going to be more bullet points to this post-- including one really fun, important one-- but now I just. I can’t. I’m kind of busy despairing over the depth-perception and reading issues I’m having, and letting my anxiety blow it up into worst case scenarios in my head (brain cancer. it’s definitely brain cancer.) 

which makes today like the horrible cream filling day right in between those two, that tastes like anxiety, heartbreak, fear, etc...

I want to cry out for help, but I suppose the only person who can really cope with this death and ace this interview for me, in the end, is myself. life isn’t going to pause for me to catch my breath, so I need to get my shit together as I keep moving.

I can do this.

I’ve had ideas floating in my head for aaages for an original story, with character concepts and all, but I’ve only ever shared it with one friend

for a hobby, I’m thinking of doing a little writing/character building on a separate blog with the cast, but idk if anyone would actually be interested?? It’s a diverse cast of 6 characters-- some gay/bi, one trans, one crossdressing, one agender robot-- if I write short bios about them here, 

will you like this post if you’d be interested in following a sideblog/ reading more about these characters and their story?

✧ MAIN CHARACTERS ✧

Aitana ‘Ai’ Novus [ai-TAH-nuh NO-vus] 20y | Cis Female | Unknown

Adopted daughter of Avalon’s ultra-rich media mogul Seneca Novus, of Novus Corp. The original ‘idolhero’, she is a high-profile celebrity who also utilizes cutting edge technology, exceptional physical ability, and seemingly surreal capabilities (sometimes seeming unconstrained by the forces of gravity at all) to keep crime in the city of Renestra in check. She seems so flirty, flashy, lively in all the press spots that Ione has seen, it’s a wonder what Aitana is actually like in person…

Ione ‘Yo’ Vega [ee-oh-ney  vey-guh] 18y | Cis Female | Bisexual

Initially thought to be an average, incapable 18yo girl, getting her life together on a gap year—until she is suddenly and reluctantly pulled into Aitana’s glamorous, fast-paced world during a trip to Avalon. Grew up on Varonus III, and enjoys  VR video games, caffeinated beverages, and small animals. Seems to be growing increasingly prone to deva vu?

creating a new D&D character for a Prince of the Apocalypse (all chaotic and/or Evil aligned) campaign >:3

I was last to be invited/added to the group, so I essentially got last pick of race and class (I don’t like stacking/doubling, because I’m a hipster/idk I rly like designing unique characters??) and ended up making this moeblob

a 10yo Windsoul Genasi Bard, who-- though she does not initially have evil intent-- has a penchant for chaos (Chaotic Neutral), and ends up idolizing a party of downright villainous characters, which taints her young, undeveloped sense of ethics and morality.

eyes: u ever wonder what it would feel like if we were full of burning acid brain: did u miss that ‘palinopsia’ thing I used to do where everything that moved left a ton of after-images eye drops: did u know that chemicals squirted on ur eyes can drip down ur nasal passage and onto the back of ur tongue and taste like poison bile me: you guys are making it rly difficult to get to the kitchen and wash this flavor out of my mouth. pls stop for just 5 seconds??

because I mean. how edgy and hardcore would chronic illness and those of us in the community look if that were our metaphor/symbol? 

as if I didn’t have a hard enough time finding a “room” a month ago, it’s probably impossible, now.