MilayaHime

There I said it...

Or do I just miss how you made me feel

And now I regret it...

I feel so selfish

I hate my heart

I let you go with purpose

And now I have to restart

They say let them go

And if they come back it's true

But that's not this

I can't love you

I hear the cracks

And feel the ache

My peace of mind

Was not yours to take

But I suppose it's fair

I did it first

And it's not your fault

I felt like I was dying of thirst

I should cut the line

Make you disappear

But each time I try

I pull back in fear

I did it once

I'll have to do it again

But for now you're in limbo

To the pain that fills my chest

I didn't think I know how to be happy

I don't think I know how to rest

Things get easy

Things get rough

Calming moments

Just aren't good enough

I want the passion

I want the ache

Pain is my muse

And I know how much I can take

Don't I?

A pause, a studder

That voice is back

The one that whispers

all you lack

My art

I scream

My heart

It bleeds

Ahhh, there you are

I've missed you so

Depression is in the kitchen

We meet again

This flow of words

My oldest friend

You come and go

But never leave

For when I ache

These words do bleed

From my eyes

fall these tears

But with you

the words come to express these fears

The loss so deep

The feelings so raw

But with each word I write

I stop my fall

You save me

again and again

Easing my pain

Being my friend

I know you're me

But it's different somehow

You make my words kind

When I thought I didn't know how

So I write it out

Express things in kind

I write it out

But now I follow her

My eyes instinctively look up to find the glow

To find the consistency of her presence

On the night's of the new moon

I miss the sight

But I know she's still there

And somehow that's enough

It's funny how she eases my mind

Like just being under her

makes all my worries seem small

I wonder if the goddess

Knows the effect she has

on such a small being as me

I doubt it

But still I look up

Gaze at her glow

And smile to myself

I search for her when I wake

For the moon that shines down on me

For that light that does not take

Whether she be full

or just a sliver

Her beauty

Always delivers

To gaze at her brings me peace

For she is a part of me no one sees

Like the water of the ocean

I move with her like the tide

With her my shifting mood

I never have to hide

She smiles down on me

Like the goddess above

With her it's endless

A selfless kind of love

Nothing asked

Nothing gained

Just the light of the Moon

Are two very different things

I can say I love you

Tell you how my heart sings

You can say you love me

But forget to make it feel real

You can say you love me

Like it's no big deal

But that's the difference

When it comes to our hearts

It may be the same feeling

But it comes from different parts

I speak from my soul

You speak from your chest

It's not a contest

But who really loves best...

Is it I who acts from her bones

Or you

Who cares for what he owns

I fear I've done it again

Given a piece of me I'll never get back

I'll have to let you go

And somehow it'll be all about what I lack

I scream for you to love me

But I should not have to plead

For you I would have given it all

For you I would bleed

But, c'est la vie

What will be will be

And if this is the end

Dangle my feet over the side

I look out at the abyss

And wonder what it hides

The darkness

It looks all consuming

The silence

It feels so welcoming

I close my eyes

And think of what it would be like in there

Is it truly nothing

Or would it be like a breath of fresh air

I look behind

The lights so dim

The will is there

But it's hard to begin

To walk to that light

The one that's so far

But to just step off

To give in to that want to mar...

I look back

And let out a sigh

I want to live

But I long to die

So I walk the edge

One foot in front of the other

I may not want to live

But I'll find the will from another

My sisters who don't deseve

That loss so deep

For my mother

who's blame she would keep

Up or down

Left or right

I don't have the strength

To walk towards the light

So I skirt the edge

And take a break now and then

But then I get up

I grow in the most unlikely places

Like the weed's seed

I've traveled only by others graces

I have no purpose

But some find me lovely

While overs

Want to destroy me

Yet I continue on

Plant my roots in unlikely ground

I may be a weed

But beauty is always found

From the yellow of my petals

To the white of my seed

I'm plucked again and again

But I'm always what others need

Whether it be a crown

Or a wish to be blown

I may be a weed

But I've lived to be known

So hold me tight

For each new growth is short lived

I may only be a weed

But it never holds

It drags me down

But it always folds

We used to be lovers

But now it only teases

I close my eyes

But it never pleases

There is no rest

within it's embrace

It laughs as it give me nightmares

I don't want to face

I long for tenderness

Within it's arms

But it only leaves unseeable marks

Only I get to feel it's harm

Maybe that's why I hate to sleep

Why I would rather be awake

But there it is again clawing

Here it is again to take

My eyes drift shut

The images begin to play

My brain screams for me to stay up

I still find songs that make me think of you

I think it's ironic now

How you take up this space in mind the way you do

I let you go

So very long ago

Yet here I am still

trying to heal

From that piece of my heart

You did steal

I've tried to fill that space

But every time I do I just see your face

So I close my eyes and turn away

but then a song starts to play

Do you think of me?

Does a piece of you still bleed?

Or is it just me,

myself and I?

Listing to a song

and wanting to cry?

I guess I'll never know

But that's okay

Because for you

When I haven't thought of her at all

I see her smile in my mind's eye

Like she's going to catch me as I fall

But that's the real dream

That she actually cared

Because while I loved her

How did I actually fair?

It was love for what I knew

Friendship that was almost more

But she's not coming

so what are these fucking dreams for?

I awake in a daze

my heart longing for someone it never had

And then I get angry

And then I get sad

But I can't bring it up

Who's going to listen

To a women missing a girl

who was just a lesson

So I try to shake it off

Go about my day

But that damn dream

if it gets worse please don't stop trying.

Time heals and anything is possible.

There's nothing beyond dying...

I know we're struggling

I know things are rough

But no matter what happens

We are enough

I'm trying my best

And this is just a reminder

That lost little girl inside

We just have to find her

Our will and desire

Lie in her hands

Her future is bright

Even if we don't understand

So take a breath

Maybe three

Do it for her

My mind a mess

When it comes to the future

Why can't I begin to guess

Which way to go

The path is so unclear

How do I start again

If it means giving up all I hold dear

Love is beautiful

Running away seems like such a dream

I hate change

and it's not like she isn't a beam...

So much wrong

But so much right

Is this love...

Or just another fight

Contentment

Or growth

Stagnation or inspiration

Can't I do both

Comfort zones are meant to be stepped out of

But I'm so filled with fear

Not just for me

But her and all we've made here

She is my home

Yet I feel homeless

She is all I dreamed

Yet I'm so restless

I'm crawling out of my skin

I don't know where to begin

Left or right

Forward or in place

I swear I'm moving

The want for another to understand

I speak in rhymes

Maybe that's why they don't know who I am

Such sweet words

Fall on deaf ears

This old soul grows tired

Drowning in poetic fears

I love so deeply

I yearn without remorse

But what's the fucking point

It all feels so damned forced

I want them to love me

As deep as I do

But I'm tired of asking

Now something else grew

Yearning turned to anger

Longing to resentment

The flame of my love dims

All that's left is discontentment

So I fan the flame all by myself

But my arms tire

Maybe I should give up

these thoughts I can't contain

What does any of it mean

What are these things I can not name

Let's go this way

No, let's go there

I don't want to go anywhere

Now, that's not fair

Figure your life out

Do something right

Who are you anyways

Don't start another fight

I hate my mind

Nothing's where it should be

I want to figure myself out

I just want to be me

But who am I anyways

I don't think I've ever known

So I'll drown here in the concept of me

From all the screams I don't let out

It clenches tight

From all the things I care about

Nothing comes

For fear of what others might think

It's for them I suffer

It's for them I shrink

I hate it here

And yet I stay

For what's there to do

When I have nothing I can say

My words fall on deaf ears

So what's the point in letting it out

Swallow it down

No one cares what I think about

I stay for them

Yet they have no clue

What I would really say

What I long to do

Swallow it down

Put a smile on

No one cares that I'm choking

They have no clue how desperately I long to be gone

Maybe not from life

Just not here

This existence is draining

Why can't something go right

Why can't I talk to my mother

Without it turning into a fight

I don't want her help

But I need this

I'm not sure why I bother

But I can't live like this

I've always been different

And forced to surprises

I just want answers

But with her I still have to address

What these feeling are

And who I really am

But she won't do that