All was well.

My son

Future son fr.

Holy hell this is brilliant.

I literally am drooling bcus of all my laughing

Big ass baby

My stomach hurts.

me when i don’t get my way

The words ‘resign’ and ’re-sign’ have exactly opposite meanings

Birthday money is basically your paycheck for not dying every year.

i was telling my sister the thing about how cats that don’t grow up around humans only meow when they’re kittens, but housecats retain the habit of meowing to communicate with humans bc we don’t get the other signals that cats use to communicate, and she was like “so basically cats are always speaking baby language with us. they’re like, let me put this very simply so you’ll understand. basically they’re incredibly condescending”

I read an article where some expert said that they view us as very large, very stupid kittens. 

Ima refer to this every time someone tells me I can’t wear certain colours because of my skin.

Goddamn

Next time a blocked number calls you answer like this: “Jim’s whore house. You got the dough, we got the hoe.”

Why does this not have any notes?

lol no “Nashville sperm bank, you squeeze it we freeze it. how may I help you?”

“Henderson’s Morgue, you stab em, we slab em, this is Eight Ball speaking.”

“Texas crematorium you kill ‘em we grill ‘em how can I direct your call?”

Pro tip: Don’t do this if you recently applied for a new job.

bolded. just in case.

i feel like that pro tip is told from experience

cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat

this cat lives in a show horse barn which is why it walks and runs that way

THIS CAT THINKS ITS A HORSE