An Apple a Day.
i don't do bad sauce passes
almost home

祝日 / Permanent Vacation

JBB: An Artblog!

Love Begins
Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her
let's talk about Bridgerton tea, my ask is open

Origami Around
$LAYYYTER
taylor price

#extradirty
Keni
ojovivo
art blog(derogatory)
🪼
One Nice Bug Per Day

Product Placement
DEAR READER
Jules of Nature
cherry valley forever
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@mikebradecich
An Apple a Day.

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I Love You.
Yes I do. I do love you. Why must you constantly question my sincerity?
Put that down, it doesn't belong to you. I'm trying to tell you about my love.
My love is enormous, there is room for you and all of your friends inside its warm and cozy living room.
Sit down and stop fidgeting. You're being rude. Listen to me tell you about my love.
My love is like a house, and I've just re-upholstered all of the easy chairs in the living room.
Yes, I'm back on the living room thing.
Because you weren’t listening the first time. Okay, you didn’t appear to be listening. Will you please put that down?
Because I'm afraid you'll break it and it cost me over $50 dollars at Brookstone.
It's a store, it's like a cheaper version of The Sharper Image. Please stop keeping me off topic.
I'm afraid you'll break it because you're stupid and clumsy, okay?
That's not true, I can love you and think you're stupid at the same time. Yes I can. Yes I can. Yes I can. Stop it, you're being immature.
No I'm not. No I'm not. No I'm not. Stop it.
Anyway: the kitchen in the house of my Love is where I cook for you, where I make the pies and cakes that nourish your spirit.
It's a metaphor. Yes I do, I cook all the time. I just made guacamole last weekend for Cameron's birthday party.
I didn't JUST use the powdered mix, I also added my own spices and personal touches.
Well what do you cook that's so good? What gives you the right to be so critical? What's the last meal you made for me?
Oh yeah. That was pretty good. I forgot about that.
I’ve recently started “The Kid Stuff Podcast.” I’ve found Mike Russell’s 6-part webinar on using Adobe Audition CC to record and edit a podcast very helpful. There’s a lot of info, so I made the above infographic for myself to remember some of the key tools and shortcuts he teaches.
I’m not any kind of designer, it’s a terrible looking infographic. But, if you have a podcast and a basic understanding of Adobe Audition CC, maybe you’ll find this helpful.
Gosh, it’s just fo GREEN…
In college, I loved the song “If I Had $1,000,000″ by Barenaked Ladies. I recently heard it in the car and thought that my children might be as charmed by it as I was. Upon listening to it, however, I realized that they wouldn’t understand a goldarn word of it.
I created this guide to share with my children before playing the song for them. If you find yourself in a similar predicament, I invite you to do the same.
Skip Sprang’s Buried Myth
With the name of his production company, 26 Keys, FX’s Fargo creator and showrunner Noah Hawley recognizes the primordial importance of the keys on a typewriter. When it comes to last year’s Fargo installment, those keys are the foundation in more ways than one.
Skip Sprang, the can’t-catch-a-break salesman whose pact with Rye Gerhardt leads to the Waffle Hut Massacre, is a hidden key himself in the absurdist—or is it?—saga of March 1979. I spoke with comedy veteran Mike Bradecich about his tone-perfect performance in the role, working with Hawley, and the meaning of the very blue IBM Selectric II.
The images and text below contain SPOILERS for season two.
Thanks for taking the time to talk to me.
Sure, of course! I enjoyed the blog. It’s fun to see somebody try to take it apart on the same level that Noah puts it together—to try to find all the pieces!
When did you start realizing that this was going to go so far beyond a typical television series in that respect?
A little bit in season one—seeing all the layers he put into it, it was pretty clear from the get go. I wasn’t privy to any of his conversations with the Coen brothers, but as far as I know they had no hands on involvement in season two, and I think even pretty early in season one they kind of said, “OK, this guy knows what he’s doing, we’re gonna leave it to him.” So I always had an idea that there were a lot of layers to what was going on, and that I could make it through the entire process of working on the show without ever realizing ALL of them.
I still think he’s the only one who knows everything he’s doing. I think it’s also possible people are finding things he never even intended to be in there!
You’re probably right [laughs]. In interviews with cast from the show everybody talks about Noah Hawley and how much of a “genius” he is—that word keeps getting used. How does that affect what you’re doing as an actor?
I was in the episode [two, ”Before the Law”] that he directed, and I think I talked to him more before and after that episode than I ever did during. I think while he was directing I maybe exchanged ten words with him. As a director he was very hands off. So the way it manifests itself for me is in reading the scripts, and in rereading the scripts and finding new things, and rereading and finding something new every single time. And then the rest of it for me is probably the same as it is for you!
The anecdote for me is—I don’t know if this was motivated by the ultimate fate of True Detective season two—but they went through and watched the first cut of the first episode of season two of Fargo, and it didn’t have any of the split screen—that was never a part of it at the beginning. None of that visual style that’s so different from season one was part of the original planning for the season. And Noah went in and they were nervous, they didn’t love the first episode. So Noah went into the editing room and conceived of all that stuff on the spot, he started pulling scenes from other episodes and moving things around, and he took this thing that he’d already made that was already great—I’m sure if I watched the original cut of the first episode, I’d’ve liked it! And I’m sure most people probably would—but he wasn’t satisfied, and he reconceived the whole thing on the fly.
Another thing that frequently comes up when people talk about his writing is how he writes visually.
The thing that helped me personally… I auditioned for the first season and didn’t get that, then auditioned again for the second season for Skip. And between the first audition for the casting director and the second audition for Noah and Warren [Littlefield, executive producer], I made a commercial for my typewriter store—I just went on my own, set the camera on a tripod, stood in front of the building, moved the camera a couple times, and made this commercial for my typewriter store. And Noah told me later it was really clear that I got the character and the tone. And I don’t take a lot of credit for that—it was just clear. When you read the script, you just see what it’s gonna look like. He’s very visual and very clear.
You can tell he’s a novelist—he’s economical with his words, he can say two sentences and you can get a very clear picture of what’s going on in his head.
I was struck watching that commercial [included on the DVD], thinking how your character is—if there is such a thing—the only character in season two who’s a “traditional” Fargo character.
Totally, and I think that was the intention. I heard Noah say at one point, you’re supposed to think Skip is Lester [from season one], or William H. Macy from the movie. You’re supposed to think, “oh here he is again, here’s this hapless businessman who’s got a lot of ambition but not a ton of brains. And not a very strong moral standard!” So it’s that guy, yet again. And then all of a sudden you meet Kirsten Dunst and you find out “oh no, this is who we’re gonna follow…” I think he plotted Skip’s character in there as a sort of a misdirect for the audience.
I was shocked when you got crushed by all the rocks!
Yeah, my wife still doesn’t agree. She thinks it was completely unjustified, she just doesn’t buy it. “There’s no reason to kill him! Poor guy.”
I was not posing a threat to anybody [laughs]. I think I was demonstrating just how vicious Dodd was.
And also, the brief struggle you have captures this absurdism that Camus wrote about, and then at the end of the episode “The Myth of Sisyphus”, getting crushed by all these rocks…
I loved that! I never… that was the one in particular… I was like, “oh! A mountain of rocks…” I liked that, that was good. That was a good call.
I was struck by all these episode recappers, all these words spilled, and nobody seemed to make this connection, between the title of the episode and ending in this opposite way.
Yeah, once you said it, it was super obvious to me! Never occurred to me before that. I was with all those commentators and episode summarizers, it just blew right past me.
Amongst the cast, or on set, were there any conspiracy theorists trying to figure all this stuff out—the meaning of the titles, the meaning of the UFOs?
No, I was actually very much the opposite… During the block when I was shooting episode three [”The Myth of Sisyphus”] they were also starting stuff from episode four [”Fear and Trembling”], and one morning I woke up and there was a script of episode four sitting outside my hotel room, and I got that thing out of my hands as fast as I could, I said “no no, I don’t want to know ANYTHING…” and I told Noah I was trying not to find any spoilers after Skip gets buried! So he got protective of me. If people started talking about episode four in front of me he would shut them down very quickly—“No don’t! Mike wants to watch the show and be surprised!” I really just wanted to experience the show as an audience member once we got past the stuff that I knew because I had to know it.
And I didn’t really find anybody else doing that either that I remember too much. I think people were too concerned just getting through moment by moment. Most of my interactions were with other actors and I think the tendency is to figure out just what your character needs to know and where they’re coming from. It’s fun after the fact to armchair quarterback it and try to put all the pieces together.
Now that you’ve seen it in full, armchair quarterbacking it, what really jumped out? What do you find Hawleyesque—if that’s an adjective yet—that was pulled off that can’t be pulled off anywhere else?
Connections, there are so many connections. I think that’s one of the great things he does… I didn’t realize until the series was almost completely over why it was so meaningful that I kept referring to the typewriters as spaceships. “Oh, even I said spaceships!” So, UFOs… I could spin theories all day long and I still have none that make any sense to me! It’s one of those things that I have no idea what’s going on, but I know that Noah knows what’s going on! And I enjoyed it, it didn’t take me out of the story. But yeah, I wouldn’t try to explain it.
And then also, some of the closure stuff, seeing Mike Milligan end up in an office, and how anticlimactic that is, but how much sense it makes.
So you mentioned the typewriters, and that great line “spaceships, really”—what did they represent to you, or how do you think Skip Sprang saw them? It seems like Noah Hawley would put a lot of care into…
Into a writing utensil?
Exactly. [laughs]
It’s funny because I think the intention—or at least the most surface intention—for Noah is that it’s a joke because here’s this guy in 1979 who’s so invested in this new technology that he’s sure is going to be the wave of the future—not knowing that computers are pretty close around the corner and the typewriter is quickly going to become obsolete. He’s sure that he’s got his finger on the pulse of the world. It’s the same as the other salesman characters, Lester in season one and Jerry in the movie, he’s just sure he’s got a sure thing on his hands. But oddly enough, I think he’s right! Because I did some research, and the IBM Selectric II Electric Typewriter with Patented High-Speed Type-All really was THE typewriter, for a number of years. And even still places like law offices that still need to do carbon copies, that’s the typewriter that’s still there.
If he had survived, if he had got his funds unlocked from Judge Mundt, if he had been able to see this thing through, I think he WOULD’VE become really rich by being on the cutting edge of the IBM Selectric II. Even when I was making the commercial for the audition, I found a typewriter repair shop here in Long Beach. I explained to the owner what I was doing—I said I don’t really need a functioning typewriter, I just need a shell. I just need something shaped like an electric typewriter. And he pointed to one on the bottom of a stack that was probably twelve high of just beat-up old typewriters. There was maybe three quarters of an inch of dust sitting on top of the thing. I grab it, he gives it to me for ten bucks, I take it home, I hose it down, and it’s an IBM Selectric II. That couldn’t be any more perfect.
But yeah, there’s also something going on besides the joke of this poor sap not knowing that computers are about to crush his livelihood, there’s also definitely something about it being a creative engine. I mean there’s no way Noah doesn’t have something else going on with that aspect of it.
Absolutely, and also the great visual gag of you attached to it.
Yeah! Which you know, that tie also being a foreshadow to the American flag tie sticking up out of the ground [at the end of “The Myth of Sisyphus”]. I had a lot of friends at the end of episode two write to say how excited they were that I was still alive! [laughs]
Do you think Skip Sprang and you have much in common?
Gosh, I hope not! Probably more than I would like to admit… but hopefully I’m a little more self-aware. I think that’s a big distinction between the characters, the dunces and the buffoons in the Fargo world and the smart ones. Mike Milligan and Hanzee not necessarily being righteous, but they’re self-aware. There’s a line being drawn between the smart people and the dunces. And Skip definitely falls in the un-self-aware buffoon category in the Fargo universe. And it’s great because it’d be real easy to draw a caricature of a buffoon. But Noah doesn’t. They’re still real characters, they’re just not very self-aware.
What would you wish for the producers of dramatic series in the future would learn from Noah Hawley and from Fargo?
Well, I would say not to take the surface thing of “oh, well he found a quirky movie from the ‘90s and was able to adapt it really well”—no, that’s not the lesson. It’s not to try and repeat what he did. The only thing they should be trying to repeat is finding someone like Noah who has a very singular, very clear vision, and the ability to execute it really well. I think the best thing FX did was allow him to surround himself with people who could help bring that to fruition and then kind of get out of his way and let him do it. And at FX, he’s doing Legion, Cat’s Cradle, and season 3 this year. So clearly FX has figured out that they’ve got something pretty great on their hands with Noah.
Once you find somebody… and I don’t know this, but Warren Littlefield, the guy who kind of invented “Must See TV,” he was running NBC during all those incredible years… he’s probably a voice in support of that. Find someone who’s really talented and really smart and let them do what they do. And I think that’s kind of Noah’s directing style too. At least in the scene I was in, in the typewriter store with Bokeem [Woodbine] and Brad and Todd [Mann], he didn’t have much to say, he talked to the DP a little bit, he talked to production design a little bit, and every once in a while he’d say a word or two to the actors—but not many. He’s just like, get the people in there that you trust and let them do what they do.
So that’s what I would encourage producers in Hollywood—if they want to emulate the success of Fargo, find some more Noah Hawleys! Find the Noah Hawley tree and start plucking!

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An Annotated Guide for My Children to the Lyrics of Greased Lightning
Hey, kids! Isn’t Grease great? Yes, I loved it when I was your age, too.
Yes, “Greased Lightning” is an extremely cool song. Yes, I agree, some of the words are hard to understand. I think I can help you out, though!
Why this car is automatic It’s systamatic It’s hydromatic Why It could be Greased Lightning (Greased Lightning!)
These are mostly nonsense words. They’re funny because they say to the audience, “This Danny fellow, he doesn’t really know much about cars. His enthusiasm and desire to impress his peers outstrip his knowledge.”
We’ll get some overhead lifters and four barrel quads oh yeah (Keep talkin,’ woh keep talking) Fuel injection cutoffs and chrome plated rods oh yeah (We’ll get it ready, I’ll kill to get it ready) With a four-speed on the floor They’ll waiting at the door
This is more gibberish about the mechanics of automobiles. Some of it may be real, I don’t know. It sounds cool so it is cool, that’s all we need concern ourselves with. Kenickie won’t really kill anyone to “get it ready,” he’s just very excited to bring Danny’s vision to fruition.
You know that ain’t no shit we’ll be gettin’ lots of tit In Greased Lightning Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go
Well, hey now, this part is a little more confusing. He’s actually saying “You know that ain’t no ship, won’t be getting lost in it.” In the olden days of trans-oceanic sailing and navigation by the stars, it was much easier to get lost on a journey. Because Greased Lightning is a car and not a boat, Danny is saying that getting lost won’t be an issue. There is added confusion because his enunciation here is sub-par.
Go greased lightning you’re burning up the quarter mile (Greased lightning go greased lightning) Go greased lightning you’re coastin’ through the heat lap trial (Greased lightning go greased lightning) You are supreme, the chicks will cream for greased lightning Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go
A “quarter mile” is the distance of the “drag races” we see later in the movie. I assume, based on context clues, that a "heat lap trial" also has something to do with racing. Um, the last line is a reference to “Chixel Cream,” which was a very popular beauty product of the 1950s, far more widely used than any of its competitors. Danny is saying that Greased Lightning is the Chixel Cream of drag racing, both “supreme” in their respective fields of fast driving and skin moisturization.
No, we don’t need to go back and listen again, that’s what he says and that’s what it means.
“We’ll get some purple fringe taillights and thirty inch fins” oh yeah A Palomino dashboard and duel muffler twins oh yeah With new pistons, plugs, and shocks I can get off my rocks, You know that I ain’t bragging, she’s a real pussy wagon Greased lightning
Ugh. Okay, those first few things are some of the decorative adornments they’ll give the car to make it look as neat as it is fast. Um… “My Rocks” was the name of an automotive superstore that serviced its customers, in the pre-internet era, through mail-order. Danny is saying that he plans to use the latest quarterly installment of the “My Rocks” catalogue to order the pistons, plugs, and shocks they’ll need.
“Pussy wagon” refers to the fact that the car will drive so smoothly and quietly that even a cat, that most sensitive of animals, would not be disturbed while driving in it, even at top speeds. Stop looking at me like that, it was a common saying back in those days. But don’t you say it at school or in front of your friends.
Because… people will think you’re old-fashioned and weird. Stop arguing, just don’t say it.
It just sort of repeats from there. No, I turned it off because I want to leave it off, I have a headache all the sudden. Can we just watch Winnie The Pooh or something? Please?
The Feminism Pledge of the Straight White Male
I, {state your name}, a straight white male, hereby pledge to live as a respectful and empathic citizen of the world, even though this is something that has never been required of me in the past. I have been allowed to colonize, brutalize, homogenize, and exploit all manner of people from time immemorial, a practice which I solemnly swear to terminate, effective immediately. I shall do so by incorporating all, but not only, the following steps into my interactions with the world at large:
I shall identify myself as a feminist, even while boozing with dudes from my hometown who think that label makes me "lame" or "pussy-whipped." I recognize that feminism is merely the acknowledgment that women are equal to men and should be treated thusly, that their rights to the same opportunities and freedoms which we have always enjoyed are inalienable. I recognize that equal pay is a totally "no duh" situation and will work on behalf of it as an ally to women at every opportunity.
I shall no longer be super creepy. When a female friend or acquaintance posts an attractive picture of herself on social media and it makes me all hot and horny, I shall keep that shit to myself, while also reminding myself that the friend or acquaintance is someone's daughter and/ or sister and/ or mother, as well as her own independent entity with a rich intellectual and emotional life, not an object that exists in a vacuum awaiting my approval or disapproval relating to her appearance. At the gym, I will no longer correct that one redhead's form on the butterfly machine as an excuse to start up a conversation and make some incidental physical contact with her Lululemon tank top. I will acknowledge that she is wearing headphones specifically to signal that she does not want to interact with my sweaty ass, and will keep my dumb ass to myself. At the office, I will no longer tell Sharon that she needs to smile more. I have no idea what Sharon is thinking or worrying about, it's none of my damn business, and Sharon thinks I'm a tool bag anyway.
I shall no long use the word "bitch." If I am tempted to use the word "bitch" to speak about a woman based on her behavior, I will first go through the following one-item checklist to make sure that it is appropriate in the current instance:
If the same behavior had been exhibited by a man, would I have referred to that man as "powerful," "aggressive," "no-nonsense," "authoritative," "independent-minded," "focused," "professional," "assertive," or "ballsy?"
If the answer to any of these is "yes," I shall apply the alternate word to the woman in question, and rethink my perspective on her behavior, examining what it is about her that makes me feel so threatened and small. If the answer to all of these is "no," and I am completely sure that the behavior in question was in some way rude or asinine, I will still not use the word "bitch" to describe this woman. I may, if absolutely necessary, use the word "asshole."
Example: The woman in the grocery store just told my five year-old to stop dancing in the frozen foods aisle. What an asshole.
Note: I may still use the word "bitch," but only to refer to a little bitch of a man that is actively engaged in the act of bitching.
Example: Tom said "This restaurant doesn't have the sriracha I like." I replied "Tom, stop bitching with your bitch mouth, you little bitch."
I shall be an ally. I will play my part, whether large or small, in the fight to end genital mutilation. I will play my part in the fight to end the sex-slave trade. I will play my part in the fight to end domestic violence. I will play my part in the fight to end rape in all its forms. If a woman confides in me that she has been a victim of violence in any of these forms, I will offer her my support, and, more importantly, my belief.
I shall no longer concern myself with who wore it better.
I shall not man spread unless I am alone at home on my couch and no one else has to see or deal with that shit.
I shall, upon meeting any little girl or young lady, compliment her intellectual, artistic, or athletic accomplishments, not her appearance or attire.
I shall never, in any circumstance, ask a woman if she is with child, menstruating, or pre-menstruating. I have nothing to say about a woman's reproductive rights other than "I support your freedom and right to choose what is best for you, because you're a grown-ass woman and don't need a swinging dick like me making laws or shouting opinions about your body or other shit that don't concern me."
I shall amend and add to this list in the future as necessary to make sure that I remain a respectful and empathic member of society, not the tool bag that Sharon at work knows I really am.
First of all, I’m incredibly grateful and #blessed to be part of UCB Digital. It’s gonna be huge, my friends, and I can’t wait to start making stuff.
Secondly, teamwise, this is my first yes in sea of nos. The UCB has been my home since 2007—I love the place— and this is the first time I’ve...
The Jerk Dad Reviews "Angry Birds"
The Jerk Dad Reviews: Angry Birds developed by Rovio Entertainment available on most video game platforms
I can think of no more controversial, polarizing, or incendiary piece of children's culture than the worldwide phenomenon that is "Angry Birds."
At first, I thought the game was a very simple tale of infanticide followed by suicidal retribution. Then I made the mistake of looking a little closer, and what I discovered will shake you to your core:
"Angry Birds" is a metaphor for the war on terror, and it's told from the side of the terrorists.
It all began in December of 2009, when the Finnish masterminds at Rovio unleashed their "game" for the iOS. Download it, open it up, and here is the backstory to which you are introduced:
What happens in that video? Some innocent "birds" (MUSLIMS) are fawning over their "unborn children eggs" (FUTURE). Some fat, greedy "pigs" (WESTERNERS) grow tired of the "grass and plants they are eating" (NATURAL RESOURCES THEY ARE DEPLETING). The "King Pig" (AMERICA) sees the eggs and decides to take them for himself and his "family" (OTHER WHITE PEOPLE.)
Meanwhile, the birds are distracted when a "mosquito" (THE JEWISH POPULATION) shows an interest in one of their "eggs" (ISRAEL). While the birds are reacting to the mosquito with extreme violence, the pigs sneak in and steal the "eggs" (OIL), which they then greedily "cook" (DRIVE SUVs).
Then, the final image of the video is A "F***ING MUSHROOM CLOUD" (F***ING MUSHROOM CLOUD). Once you've watched that, you then get to play the game, which, as we all know, is a never-ending series of literal suicide bombings.
Say it's just a game if you like. Tell the Jerk Dad he's reading too much into it if that's what you think. But when the Finns side with the terrorists and western society starts collapsing around your ears, don't forget who warned you. Also, it's a fun and addictive game that will keep your kids busy and happy for hours at a time (and you too if you're not careful!)
The Jerk Dad Reviews "Goodnight Moon"
The Jerk Dad reviews: Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown pictures by Clement Hurd
The classic bed time children’s book “Goodnight Moon” was first published in 1947. Also in 1947, HUAC started issuing subpoenas to creative types within Hollywood for suspected ties to communism. Are these things connected? Without question. Can I prove it? I don’t have to. How do I know I don’t have to prove it? Joe McCarthy taught me. Am I through with these rhetorical questions? They aren’t rhetorical, I’ve answered all of them. Didn’t you know that?
Would-be revolutionaries throughout history have tried to lull unsuspecting populations into a cow-like stupor through any number of means. Drugs in the drinking supply, toxins in the air supply, Air Supply in the sound supply, any delivery system is fair game when you’re trying to topple a government.
Perhaps the most nefarious mass-soporific ever introduced to the American public is Margaret Wise Brown’s words and Clement Hurd’s illustrations in “Goodnight Moon.” Presumably written for children but secretly targeted at the adults who supervise them, “Goodnight Moon” is a non-stop un-assault on the senses that exhausts the eyes with alternating black & white and splashy color pages, and tranquilizes the ears with a loose, free rhyme scheme (and don’t think the double meaning of “scheme” here is unintended).
Any neuroscientist worth their salt could tell you that the book is more effective than a session with Kreskin, dragging you subtly into somnolence from page one until it finally snaps you into a hypnotic state of suggestibility near the end with this flagrant left turn into zen town:
After being slowly lured into a state of quiet throughout the book, anyone then suddenly thrust into the blank nothingness of that page would cluck like a chicken, dance like a drunk, or accept the tenets of fascist communism without so much as a blink’s worth of hesitation.
Luckily for America, it didn’t work, and nearly seventy years later democracy still reigns supreme in the U.S. of A. But for how long? And how is global warming connected to all of this? I can’t do all the work out here, folks. Keep asking the scary questions.

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BEING THE FUNNY, OBNOXIOUS KID IS ACTUALLY A JOB YOU CAN GET THAT PAYS YOU MONEY.
No one told me this when I was your age, and it took a surprisingly long time to figure it out on my own. People would tell me I was funny, but only in the context that I should please now stop. “You’re funny, but can you calm down and finish your dinner?” “Very funny, Mike. Now please sit back down so I can finish teaching the class about polygons.” “Now is not the time for comedy, Mr. Bradecich. Now is the time for communion wafers and penance.”
The adults were right when they told me that I was choosing inappropriate times and places to be funny. What they failed to tell me was when and where it WAS appropriate, which would have been VERY USEFUL INFORMATION.
Think of the funny people you know on TV and in movies and on the internet and in books. ALL of them started off by being funny with their families and friends, and none of them were better at it then than you are now. But they worked at it. They were funny every day in productive and constructive ways, which made them better at it, and now being funny is their job. Which is insane, but in a good way.
WHERE DO I GET MY CHUNK OF THIS “BEING FUNNY” MONEY?
Good question, I commend you for asking. First, start thinking about what kind of funny you are. Are you the one who stands up on your chair in biology and sings “Edelweiss” because you couldn’t think of a reason not to? If so, you’re possibly a performer. Are you the one who tells the loud kid to get up on their chair and sing “Edelwiess?” then sits back and watches with a secret, knowing smile? In that case, you might be a writer. There’s also a distinct possibility that you’re both, and now is certainly not the time to limit yourself.
I’M DEFINITELY A PERFORMER.
Okay, than start performing. Get on Vine and YouTube and sing stupid songs that you make up and do impersonations of your aunts and uncles. Then audition for a show at your local community theater because there’s just no substitute for a live audience and a collaborative environment.
You lucky so-and-so, you live in the internet age. Anytime you want to make something, all you have to do is make it. If you’re VERY LUCKY, the first 100 things you make will be absolutely terrible, and there is no better school in the world than being terrible at something. I’m as old as your parents, and I still strive to do at least one terrible thing every day. It’s getting harder because I’m kind of amazing. But I find a way.
NO, NO, NO, I’M ONE OF THOSE WRITER-TYPES YOU MENTIONED.
Guess what? The advice is basically the same. Start your Tumblr Tumblng, add some nonsense to your blog everyday and tweet twice before lunch. And here’s one for you that also goes back up to the performers: READ/WATCH/CONSUME EVERYTHING. Not just the funny stuff, not just the stuff that’s new and popular right now. Look at Sid Ceasar, read Vonnegut, read “A Confederacy of Dunces” twice, listen to the audiobook of Steve Martin’s book “Born Standing Up,” and check out some YouTube clips of Ed Sullivan and the Smothers Brothers. You know who’s hilarious? Geoffrey Chaucer. You know who might be even funnier than him? Shakespeare. You know who might be funnier still? Anne from “Anne of Green Gables.” Look at all of it, try to figure out why it’s funny, and copy the hell out of it. Steal every slice and sliver of it, and eventually you’ll find the parts of it that speak to you the most. Then you’ll start making stuff that’s purely yours. You’ll have a “voice.” No matter what you do or create or how you do or create it, at some point you have to start figuring out what makes you uniquely you. But right now? Steal, steal, steal (and give credit to the people you’re stealing from.)
I CAN DO IT ALL, WRITE AND PERFORM. I’M REALLY AMAZING.
Okay, calm down Captain Modesty. If you do both, the things you’re interested in (that I kind of didn’t know existed until I was 30) are improv and sketch comedy. You can find an improv class just about anywhere, and you should. If you get out of high school or college and you’re still sure that this is your gig, then it’s time to go to Chicago. You can also go to New York or LA, but don’t. You can, but don’t. Just go to Chicago. Be completely broke while you take classes and see shows and make all of the best friends you’ll have for the rest of your life at Second City, iO, ComedySportz, the Annoyance, and The Chicago Improv Den. THEN you can go to New York or LA and do Groundlings, UCB, whatever you want. Go crazy.
TELL ME SOMETHING ELSE VALUABLE AND DELICIOUS!
Okay! I’m game!
1) You live in the internet age, you can make anything and give it to the world at any given INSTANT. That’s crazy. You know what else is crazy? The trolls. They’re waiting to get you. On your YouTube videos, your Vines, your blogs and your Tumblrs, DON’T LOOK AT THE COMMENTS. You’ll meet plenty of people who can give you worthwhile and valuable feedback, so ignore the trolls. It’s hard, because you really want to read the positive comments from the people who love your stuff, but it’s not worth it. I understand that you’re going to read them anyway, but stop as soon as possible. It will make the air taste better.
2) Be a student. You might want to walk into your level 2 improv class and show everybody all the hilarious crap you learned in level 1. DON’T. Be humble, be a good listener, and try to do what the class is trying to teach you. Any teacher will be more impressed with how much you’re trying to learn than with how much you’re trying to show off what you already know. Remember when I said that now was the time to fail and stink? That’s ten times more true in class. You’re not there to be the funniest one in the room (because you won’t be), you’re there to get better and smarter. This isn’t just an improv thing, this is a life thing. Be a student. You have two ears and one tongue, use your ears twice as much.
3) This is specific to improv but applies everywhere else as well: Be into different stuff. Have a variety of interests. Be really well-versed in biological anthropology or the Crimean War or classical guitar players or Polish Literature or whatever, but don’t make comedy your only thing. It’s easy to let that happen, and there are too many reasons not to let it happen to go into. But if you’re well-rounded, I promise you’ll be a better writer, a better performer, and a better human being. I’m not saying to trudge through five books on motorcycle repair just to be able to drop some knowledge at a party, I’m saying to figure out what else gets you excited and follow it down the rabbit hole. You will never regret it.
I DON’T THINK YOU’RE FUNNY, WHY SHOULD I LISTEN TO YOU?
You shouldn’t. You should go be funny.
The Jerk Dad Reviews "Monsters University"
The Jerk Dad Reviews: Monsters University produced by Walt Disney Pictures and Pixar Animation Studios directed by Dan Scanlon
Recently released on DVD and Blu Ray and VOD and LOL and Hi-Defitronics pod, “Monsters University” has a lot to offer both you and your kids.
First of all, it has laughs and laughs a-plenty. This is a funny movie that derives most of its humor from watching monsters who are ill-suited to a task try to achieve that task anyway, and fail spectacularly. You want to be popular? But you’re socially awkward! You want to belong to a group? But you’re a nobody! Honestly, I never get tired of watching misguided and inferior people trying to fit in with the guided and superior pockets of society. It’s sad on the surface, but then it’s funny under that. It’s sad again underneath the funny layer, but I’ve always had an easy time ignoring that part.
The next thing this movie has to offer is a worthwhile message to kids. FINALLY. Most movies pander to the hopes and dreams of children by telling them something to the effect that “Anything is possible if you try,” or “There is great potential locked inside of you if you’re true to yourself and let it shine through.” This kind of message does nothing but raise the hopes of children who, in 99% of cases, won’t do anything worthwhile with their lives and will be crushed once they finally come to terms with that fact as middle-aged adults.
But the message of “Monsters University” is a far more practical one that, in my opinion, can’t be delivered to the youth of the world soon enough: What you look like will determine what and how much you are capable of achieving in this world.
The message is delivered through our protagonist, the adorable one-eyed gumdrop monster Mike Wazowski. Since childhood, Mike has had one dream: to be a “scarer” at Monsters, Inc. He studies, he trains, he practices, he does everything he can to reach his goal. ***SPOILER ALERT*** But, because of the way Mike looks, his dream NEVER EVER EVER EVER happens. Short people should know better than to waste a life dreaming of the NBA, tall people should save their horseback riding lesson money for specialty pants, people from outside that, like, one square mile of Kenya shouldn’t bother running anywhere but to a trade school, and cute little monsters should face the fact that the only way they’ll ever get to work on the scare floor at Monsters, Inc is if it is accidentally discovered that children’s laughter is an even more powerful energy source than screams. In that situation, that twee little booger ball will be given the chance to debase and humiliate himself for the betterment of society, which I guess is some kind of consolation. Or something.
So, judos* to Monsters University for finally getting it right. Just the other day, after watching the home edition Hi-Defitronics Monsters University pod with my own kids, we had a great discussion afterwards about limitations. I had each kid write up a list of at least one hundred jobs for which they are ill-suited based on their appearance and physical make-up. I added another hundred to each of their lists, and by the time we were done we had narrowed their possibilities for a financially stable and emotionally rewarding life down to just two or three, mostly in the field of manual labor. How reassuring is it to already know at 4 years old what your future holds? Thanks, Monsters University. Between you and me, I think we’ve got this child-raising thing pretty well licked.
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*This is a typo, I meant to type “kudos.” But once I saw “judos” there, I decided to leave it and make it my new version of a “thumbs up/ thumbs down” rating system. If I like something, it gets judos. If I don’t, it doesn’t.
The Jerk Dad Reviews "Amelia Bedelia"
The Jerk Dad Reviews: Amelia Bedelia
written by Peggy Parish
pictures by Fritz Siebel
This book outrages me. It should be subtitled, “Let’s Make Fun of The Simples. Everybody Point and Laugh at The Simples! Look at the Silly Thing the Simples are Doing!”
"Amelia Bedelia" (the book) follows Amelia Bedelia (the character) on her first day in a new position as the household maid for the Rogerses, an older couple of some means and propriety. As Ms. Bedelia arrives, her new employers immediately leave, entrusting her with their posh home and a straightforward list of tasks to complete while they are away.
What follows is a series of mishaps caused my Amelia Bedelia’s overly literal interpretation of each and every item on her list of chores. To enumerate them would be tedious, but let’s use the example of Amelia “changing the bathroom towels” by cutting them to shreds(!) and assume that you have a clear picture of the kind of thing we’re talking about here.
Clearly, Amelia Bedelia is simple-minded to the extent of being dangerous. Her inability to decipher even the most basic instructions through context clues or common sense points to a person that should be cared for by professionals, and possibly studied by scientists (or at least the grad students who assist those scientists). To have a person like this at large in society, even in 1963 England (where I assume the story takes place based on the publication date and the style of dress of the characters), is reckless and irresponsible. But the author, and presumably the masses of people who have enjoyed this “comic” tale in the fifty years since its release, apparently find great humor in the foibles and failings of a girl who is clearly, using the parlance of the time, mentally retarded.
Imagine what could have been if this story had been written by a more modern, sensitive soul (not meaning myself per se, but I would certainly be up to the job if someone were to offer it). Instead of ridiculing the intellectually challenged like a horde of schoolyard bullies, this could have been an opportunity to enlighten readers on some of the finer points of the mental health profession.
I’m just spitballing, but imagine if Mr. Rogers had heroically recognized his new employee’s mental deficiencies and had her committed to an asylum? This would have given kids the chance to then meet the stern but sympathetic asylum director, the pair of hilarious bumbling orderlies that roll Amelia Bedelia back and forth between her room and the electroshock therapy room thrice daily...the possibilities are endless! Not to mention the science lessons that could be couched in the pages describing the use of electricity, the areas of the brain being targeted and their functions, etc. This book doesn’t even exist yet and I’m already way more excited to read it than I am to revisit the actual "Amelia Bedelia."
I’m afraid I can only recommend that "Amelia Bedelia" to those of you who enjoy making fun of simple-minded people. And if you fall into that category, I’d also like to offer you a point of my admonishing finger, and a “shame on you.”
A lot of my good friends are either on UCB Harold teams or auditioned this year. Many of them got callbacks.
Tomorrow, many people will be getting emails saying they did not make it. And they will be disappointed.
Some people will get amazing phone calls that their dream has come true and they...
Wise words for heartbroken improvisors and improvisers alike.
Dear Clark Kent...
From: [email protected]
Subject: A big fan
Dear Mr. kent-
My name is Angelo Gervaise (pronounced “jer vase), I’m 16 years old and I’m a junior at Metropolis Poly West. I’m taking a journalism class right now, and for our class we have to read the Daily Planet everyday. I just wanted to say that I’m a big fan of your writing. Our journalism teacher Mr. Frogge says that you have a prose style that is easy and fluid and blah blah blah guess what it just took me like 5 minutes on Google to figure out that you’re Superman.
Seriously, it was crazy how easy that was to figure that shit out. I was looking at your bio on the daily Planet website and it said you got the first interview with Superman, and I was like “whys he so special he looks like a hipster dweeb in those glasses” (no offense). And then I’m looking at your picture and I’m like HOLY SHIT THOSE TWO DUDES LOOK EXACTLY LIKE EACH OTHER.”
So, long story short, I start thinking you probably don’t want people knowing that you’re Superman and I totally get that, people would be fucking with you all the time and asking you to beat up people they don’t like or whatever. So I’m thinking, it sure would be a shame if I told the wrong person you were Superman. And by the wrong person I`m thinking about my friend at school Kevin Bramer. As of right now when I’m writing this Kevin has 17.2K followers on Twitter (because his mom is a stripper and he’s always writing about all the weird skanky shit she does all the time), and that’s a lot of people and writing “Clark Kent from Daily Planet is really Superman, check it out if u don’t believe me” is a lot less than 140 characters.
So, long story short, it would be awesome if there was a silver 2013 Audi Q5 sitting in my driveway when I woke up tomorrow morning, if you know what I mean.
Thanks in advance! I’m seriously a big fan of all the stuff you do with being a reporter and superhero and everything, I hope you don’t think I’m a huge dick because of all this.
Peace! AG
********************************** Angelo “Yer Face” Gervaise

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Robb Stark's Yelp Review of The Red Wedding.
JERK DAD REVIEWS: Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus!
Don’t Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus! words and pictures by Mo Willems
In his Caldecott Award-winning book, Mo Willems never explains why the Bus Driver needs us to be responsible for his bus while he goes off to do whatever it is he needs to do (eat lunch? illegal back-alley dice game? extra-marital tryst?). Maybe we don’t need to know. Maybe we only need to know that we and our children have been entrusted with a task, and that we’d damn darn well better see it done. The Bus Driver’s plea comes immediately upon opening the book, on the inside cover. As I see it, the act of turning to page two is a contract that the reader enters into with that Bus Driver, and as a responsible, law-abiding citizen, it’s a contract that I take seriously.
I don’t know what kind of kids you have, but I have at least one kid, my four year-old, who is the kind of kid who lets the pigeon drive the bus.
My 4 year-old has always drifted toward the dark side, the side of anarchy and societal breakdown. Each reading of Don’t Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus! has seen her immediately telling the pigeon “yes.” Apparently she’s less interested in helping a uniformed representative of authority than in getting a peek at the post-apocalyptic future her generation seems hell-bent on bringing about.
Part of me wants to respect this independent spirit and forcefulness of will. But the part of me that knows what’s best for America knew that my responsibility was to use this as a Teachable Moment.
“You’re letting the pigeon drive the bus?”
“Yes,” she replied eagerly.
“Okay. If that’s the way you want it. The Bus Driver let you know how important it was not to do that, but now that you have, the pigeon has driven the bus into a school and killed a bunch of handicapped children. The handicapped children used the classroom closest to the front door so they wouldn’t have as far to walk (or roll) in case of a fire, but it looks like that little precaution just backfired and now all those crippled children are dead because you didn’t do what you were told. There’s nothing to be done about that now, so we’ll just have to hope that next time you make a better decision. Let’s go brush your teeth and say night-night to mommy.”
In summary, Don’t Let the Pigeon Drive the Bus is a great read, full of energy and humor. You and your kids will love it!