mikah’s inner thoughts

my name is mikah and i go by he/him pronouns

some of my interests; brokeback mountain, the outsiders (all media), spring awakening, the marauders, the long walk, dead poets society, alice by heart, falsettos, heartstopper, hadestown, school sprits, glee, and more!!

my socials:

tiktok - mikey.is.busy

ao3 - deaths_at_mikahs_door

airbuds - mikahsstudios

i got a bootleg hadestown clip on my fyp and i started tearing up in the middle of lunch

i cannot physically listen to any of the songs without crying now

darry - before high school (aka when he got buff) his body image issues constantly reared their ugly head. he strived to look tough; ‘manly’. he would work out constantly, and not eat, doing anything to make him like his reflection. later in life, (aka high school and early adulthood) it also helped him feel in control. he couldn’t control the bills, or if he would get a scholarship, or having to take care of his brothers, but he could control his eating.

sodapop - always being praised on his good looks since starting puberty, sodapop started to pride himself on his looks. no matter the flaws he saw in himself, no one could say that he wasn’t attractive. he became obsessed at times, doing anything to ‘make’ himself attractive. (aka starving himself)

Thirty minutes later Darry finally cleans to the point where he’s satisfied. During these moments, he couldn’t help but think amount of times his parents had to do this; how they made it look so easy; how they never would complain; how they were always patient with the boys. What he’d give to understand. What’d he’d give to have a conversation with them. To say goodbye.

He walks down the hall to his brothers’ room quietly cracking the door open. Sodapop has his arm draped around Ponyboy, and they’re both dead asleep. The rise and fall of their chests some how calms Darry. Since their parents death, Darry was always worried. Always. He was terrified one day a police officer would show up on his door step one day, and tell him of a new loss. Just like that fateful night. The night of his 20th birthday.

He shakes away the memory. He shakes the memory of having to identify them. He shakes away the image of his dismembered parents. He shakes away the memory of telling his brothers that their parents were gone. He shakes away the sound of desperation tat came from Pony’s mouth, and Soda’s arms wrapping around himself. He shakes away the memory of the funeral. He shakes away it all.

He walks into his room, throwing off his work clothes and climbing into bed. His back aches and his muscles are sore. It seems like he’s in a constant state of pain all the time. He stares at the ceiling, his mind racing. He forces his eyes closed and sleep eventually consumes him. The only bright side to bee exhausted all the time was how easy it was to fall asleep.

A few moments after drifting off he feels his eyes open, but it wasn’t an awake kind of feeling. His back didn’t hurt and he didn’t want to immediately crawl back into bed. He was also in a different room. It was Pony and Soda’s room. It was his childhood bedroom.

He sits up, standing from the bed as he walks to the door, which was cracked open slightly. The house smells how he remembered it. Before everything happened. The house feels quiet, but not barren. He walks into the living room and he feels his breath hitch, because there, sitting in his father’s chair, was his father.

“Dad?” Darry’s voice sounds small and soft, as if worried that his father would disappear, or run away.

Then, his dad stand up turning to him; taking a step forward. “Junior,” His father smiles. “I’ve missed you, have you been?

Darry takes another tentative step forward “I miss you.”

“I know son.” His father stands in front of him, placing a hand on his shoulder “You’re doing so well”

Darry knows it isn’t real, but he wants it to be. It all feels so real “I’m really not. I’m nothing like you and mom. I have no idea what I have no clue how you two did it. I don’t know how to do this right. I feel like I’m failing them — failing you.” Darry has no clue where all this is coming from, or why he’s ranting to something that so clearly doesn’t anywhere but in the confines of his own mind.

“Oh, my son, youve always been too hard on yourself. You’re doing your best. That’s all me and your mother could’ve ever hoped for.” His father moves his hands to hold his face

“It’s not enough. I feel like I have no idea about anything anymore..”

“Do you think your mother and I did? We were just as clueless, but you boys.. It made it worth it.”

Darry is speechless at his fathers words. “Really?”

“Yes, Junior. We are so proud of you all. We’re so proud of you. I am proud of you, son”

first off, we have to look at the outcomes of all the characters. s.e. hinton has said that ponyboy gets out of tulsa, but other than that we don’t have much information on the other characters. however, we know that two-bit had his mother and sister, and sodapop said that he was at least content with working at a gas station — we don’t get too much information on steve but seeing as he was very good with cars, we can infer he made a career out of that in the future.

darry was on his way to getting out of tulsa prior to the curtis parents death. he had as high of an opportunity to be successful as pony did with his football ability and his ambition. he almost got out and he would’ve if the curtis parents death didn’t happen. darry probably lived his teenage years with more worries than a teenager should have, as most greasers did, and he especially had to do as the eldest son. his feelings and problems most likely felt very big to him, because that’s just how teenagers are at one point or another. he was working on the hope of getting out of tulsa, hanging on to that to keep him going, until that was taken away with the new responsibility that was thrust onto him. he would have killed himself if it weren’t for his brothers, and we hear that in the song “throwing in the towel” when he voices these feelings. he was living for his brothers.

when pony went to college darry was probably around 24/25 years old. it was too late to pursue his football career, and he most likely tried to finish school and just ended up staying at his job or getting a better one. he was living for his brothers, and now that his brothers weren’t relying on him he didn’t know what to do, especially since he couldn’t pursue his dream anymore. he probably lived his years alone, seeing as sodapop most likely would marry a girl and they would move to their own home (i refuse to accept him dying in vietnam bc it makes me sick). (also to clarify — the reason darry doesn’t end up with a girl is bc he was gay in my eyes)

after leaving tulsa, he kept trying to find a place that made him forget tulsa, only to realise that it was an impossible hope to try and reach. after his first book “the outsiders” blew up, he tried to find the inspiration for a second, having to have another way to pay the bills. after years of trying and trying, doing numerous part-time jobs, he went back to the place where he got his inspiration first: tulsa.

the weeks would turn to months; the months to years; until he was nearing almost 70. he found an easy job at the local newspaper, and during the nights he would play at a bar in the town. there he would see all the people who he went to school with. he would notice the changes in appearance, a lot of them gaining wrinkles and eye bags. he would hear about their kids, and their failed marriages, or their jobs. he would see school kids trying to convince bartenders to give them a drink for a little bit of cash. every so often he would see a kid who reminded him of johnny, or dally, or even two-bit.

but his heart would become a bit extra hollow when he saw a kid who reminded him of himself. the kid with big dreams and a big heart that always ended up with the short end of the stick.

he would watch them all while his fingers danced across the keys, playing a familiar melody. sometimes he would play something his mother used to play at the piano during the evenings. though her voice may have faded over time, he would always remember the sound of her playing at the piano. or maybe he would play something he would play for johnny when johnny asked him to, and he would wonder who johnny would’ve ended up becoming.