Ilya has a lot of shame around aftercare. These days, now that Shane is his boyfriend and he can admit how much he loves him, aftercare is one of his favourite parts of sex.
He loves bringing Shane a warm towel, helping him wipe down. He loves massaging soap on Shane’s sore, but relaxed muscles in the shower. He loves bringing Shane a snack and feeding him by hand. He loves how boneless Shane goes, how snuggly and warm and carefree.
But he can never shake the feeling of deep regret after each time. He remembers how, for years, he did not do this for Shane. He would let himself indulge just as much as he dared, laying in bed together for a couple minutes, sometimes showering together (but that always ended in shower sex), throwing a towel or clothes at Shane.
The first time he tried to provide the type of aftercare he wanted, was the day Shane left him for Rose Landry. Shane insists he didn't 'leave him for Rose Landry' because A. they weren't together and B. he met Rose weeks later. But since Ilya was the one that got left, he feels entitled to call it how he wanted to.
"I'm sorry," Ilya apologized one day, running his hand through a pliant Shane's hair.
"For what?" Shane mumbled.
"For not doing this," Ilya said. "For so many years. For just kicking you out."
Shane sighed and propped himself up on his elbows. "Ilya."
"You never just 'kicked me out,'" Shane scrunched up his nose. Adorable. "If you had tried to do this at first, I probably would have freaked out."
"You did freak out," Ilya sulked.
"I did," Shane smiled and leaned up to kiss him. "I love this, you know? I love that you take such good care of me afterwards."
Ilya felt warmth spread inside his chest. "I'm glad."
"But," Shane caught his eye. "I didn't need it. You always took care of me, maybe just not this much. But I never felt, I mean, almost never felt bad afterwards, except, you know."
Vegas. They had talked about that, extensively.
"But, Ilya," Shane continued, cupping his face in his hand. "I don't think that I need this as much as you do."
Ilya considered this for a moment. It was true - this settled Ilya, it convinced him that he did well, he took care of Shane, and made him happy. He didn't hurt him.
"I do," Shane said. "But so do you. So if you're sorry about not doing it, so am I."
"You're what?" Shane challenged.
"You're right," Ilya conceded and gently pushed him back down. "Then let's both make up for lost time, yes?"
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