Middle Age Run Blog

So you write that post Monday morning, schedule it for Tuesday morning, and you're thinking about Gregor's family in Kafka's Metamorphosis, about how in the end they were able to make it on their own with Gregor making himself miserable as a traveling salesman.

The point of half marathon training is being happy and healthy, not the race itself. You shouldn't delay health and happiness for another five weeks for the sake of the half marathon. That thoughts still gnaws at you.

The first of the month is always a good time to start something new, Feb 1 is Thursday, you could scrap all this half marathon nonsense for the moment and make that your start of a new weight loss plan.

No need to rush the decision, Monday morning's training workout is 4.5 miles at an easy pace, and doing a 45 min easy run would likely be part of a weight loss routine, you can do that run and continue to introspect.

4.5 miles is 3 times around large loop around my neighborhood, you can do that. It's cold Monday morning so you wear a long sleeve shirt over your favorite running T-shirt plus your Pittsburgh Steelers beanie.

You can shed the beanie after the first loop and the long sleeve shirt after the second, it can all be so symbolic you think.

The first lap feels great, the mellow songs you picked for this morning's running playlist sound perfect. You toss your beanie in your driveway after your first loop and it's still colder than you expect, which is great weather for running.

A half mile into your second loop you start messing with the music, wanting a change from you preselected playlist. It's windy, so Siri is having a hard time picking up your voice commands over your AirPods. You finally get the song changed but then hit the wrong button on your watch when you try to turn up the volume, and something messes up, your watch seemingly switches off.

Perfect, you think. You don't need your watch to track your 3 loops, 45 min, 4.5 miles. This is somehow part of the symbolism you'll work out later. With no music, you take out your AirPods from your ears and put them in your zipper pocket of your running shorts. Now, you won't have to worry about accidentally knocking them out and being unable to find them in the dark when you shed your long sleeve shirt on your driveway after loop 2.

A quarter mile from you house, you notice how cold it still feels, thinking to yourself, if it weren't for the symbolism, you'd probably keep the long sleeve shirt on for the final loop.

You notice your watch is actually on as you come around the bend toward your house. You can see the time, because you were late getting off the couch after your morning coffee--thinking all these running vs. weight loss thoughts--you will be cutting it close going around another loop, another 15 min, to get home, change clothes, collect your youngest son, and drive him to school at the normal time.

But that's what you deal with half marathon training, you have to stick to the schedule, sometimes cutting it close in other areas of your life. Except that you don't have to.

You get to your house after the second loop, meaning that's 30 min, 3 mi. Instead of shedding your long sleeve shirt, you stop to walk. You walk past your house for a few min, then walk back for a few min, a cool down walk. You cut the run short as part of your half marathon training program, but still part of an overall healthy life plan. A 30 min easy pace run on a Monday morning is a perfectly reasonable thing to do.

Still reeling from my 9-mile run, the "not feeling good for the last few miles" thing.

Represents a shift in the "should I focus on weight loss over running?" vs. "but I feel great" debate.

Researching fueling during long runs, apparently I should be eating those energy gel things for runs longer than an hour.

That explains feeling crappy toward the end of my 9-miler plus my last half marathon in Decemeber.

I start research energy gel timing during runs, 5 min before, every 45 min thereafter for runs longer than 60 min. Decide to give it a try for my 10 mile run this weekend.

Week 7 recap

Long run today, 9 miles, weighing 195.8 pounds, did it on the Little Econ Greenway paved trail, started at Blanchard Park and ran west, turned around at 4.6 miles and came back.

Despite weighing north of 195, I remember how cocky I felt as I started, like, I'm only doing 10-10:30 min/mi pace, 9 miles is basically a formality, just gotta get it done and not get bored.

But it was sunny and unseasonably warm and muggy for Central Florida and I got a late start, 9a. Still, I felt cocky.

First mile at 10:14, simple. Then mile 2 at 10:12, mile 3 at 10:12, still easy. Mile 4 at 10:15 and mile 5 at 10:16, I felt myself slowing down, weather was getting to me.

I consciously shifted to faster music and focused on speeding up, slightly overshot mile 6 at 9:59. Wasn't feeling tremendous at this point.

Hung on for mile 7 at 10:10, feeling worse. Started drinking every half mile rather than every mile.

Soldiered through mile 8 with positive self talk and visualizing the rest of my day being better if i knock out this run without walking. Did a 10:24 pace.

As the final mile started, the thought of walking flashed through my mind because I continued to feel crappy. But I quickly realized if I was willing to walk, I might as well give just going very slowly a try. No shame in an 11 min/mi, just don't walk.

I saw my rolling mi pace slip further and further, down past 11, inching closer to 12. But my total pace was still hanging on. 10:15 became 10:19, then 10:21, then 10:24.

At a quarter mile to go, I knew I'd be fine, I was going to make it. If my total pace got within a few sec of 10:30, I'd pick it up and run for real.

Friday, pace run day, including warm up and cool down, I'll probably go close to 6 miles.

Still think I'm planning on sticking with this, not pivoting to prioritizing weight loss, but today's a day to be present and observe where I'm at.

Not going to weigh myself. Just planning to go through my day mindfully and do my best to eat appropriately.

5a

454 steps, mainly sat on the couch

black coffee

6a

9396 steps, ran 5.9 miles

water

7a

283 steps, mainly in the car

black coffee

8a

209 steps, more time in car, started work

water

9a

632 steps, more work

water

10a

1263 steps, walked the dog, more work

water

11a

222 steps, down to the kitchen for lunch

ate leftover chicken with rice and broccoli + shredded cheese also some Dave's Killer bread, drank water

12p

223 steps, more work

water

1p

141 steps, more work

1/2 cup mixed nuts, black coffee

2p

221 steps, more work

water

3p

239 steps, more work

water

4p

140 steps, more work

water

5p

777 steps, finished work, started dinner

water

6p

2074 steps, ate dinner, walked dog after

spaghetti and meatballs, Dave's Killer Bread with butter, sparkling water

7p

just chillaxed for the rest the evening

This is a hard post to write.

My running is going well. I feel great.

But weight is up and I don't like it. I am stuck in the mid 190s. My clothes don't quite fit right. Just getting to the mid 180s would make everything fit better.

Then I tell myself forget the scale, I can get new clothes, live your life. Feel good first, worry about the rest later.

But then I remember a few years ago at the doctor when my cholesterol was high and he recommended a statin. I said I'd try to lose weight first. He said fine, lifestyle change is valid, come back in 3 months in we'll do blood work again. That was over 3 years ago and I haven't materially changed my lifestyle.

Really my weight for my height should be mid 160s, but I just getting to and staying in the mid 170s would be a significant lifestyle change.

So I try a bunch of workouts but the only thing that sticks is running. The best exercise routine is the one you will do, I think that's what Naval says.

Then I get better at running and decide to train for a half marathon because that helps me stay consistent. But all this running is not letting me lose weight. I am hungry after speedwork and long runs.

So I am stuck in the paradox where half marathon training motivates me to eat better. But then I get to the point where it doesn't help me lose weight.

The only eating style that's ever helped me lose weight has been low carb. But low carb eating doesn't go with running.

So I get to the point that it's late January, and I'm like screw it, just get through it, race is in early March. After that you can pivot to a weight loss routine, attack weight loss like I attack a half marathon training program, even start a new blog about that. That can cover Mar-Apr-May. By summer I can be the weight I want to be.

Then I'm like, why hold on, why wait? What was my race entry fee, $50 or so? It's a sunk cost, start the weight loss thing now, you can run more races after you're 175.

But then I worry this is cope, you like this, what's a few more weeks, run the race, then pivot.

I need to make a decision.

It's Wednesday morning when I think this.

Wednesday morning was easy pace 3, Thursday is rest. It's not until Friday morning's pace run + Saturday morning's long run where I have to push myself. So I have a couple days to think about it and eat for weight loss because the running burden isn't too high.

But all this thinking leads to eating, too much snacking on Wednesday. Snacked on pretzels and peanut butter after dinner. But then I didn't feel too full, so what does that tell me.

Thursday morning, time to write this all out. Think of Naval's decision making model.

Step one - if you can't decide between yes and no, the answer is no.

But what is the question? Is it, should I quit the half marathon program and focus on weight loss now? Or is it should I focus on weight loss now and quit the half marathon program? I have to move to step two.

Step two - if it's an either/or, pick the option that would give me more short term pain.

If I keep at this half marathon thing, I have to deal with frustration of the scale for another 5-6 weeks. That would annoy me. Is my brain tricking me to make that seem worse than it is? My clothes have fit this way for a while now, what's few more weeks. Accomplish this goal then move on to the next thing in March. I will have a sense of accomplishment, then move onto accomplishing weight loss.

Or is the feel of quitting the short term pain? Getting started on a weight loss program isn't as fun as running, so maybe that's the short term pain.

Hmmm, I'm 60/40 that quitting is the short term pain, so this step leads me to keep going on the half marathon. But let's look at step three.

Step three - if the short term pain is the same, pick the one with more long term calm.

OK, fast forward to Memorial Day. Option 1, run the half marathon. Keep to a successful schedule, run it under 2 hours. Feel happy. Take the weekend, enjoy some carbs and beer. A week later you turn 45. Focus on weight loss, set a goal to lose 20 pounds in 12 weeks by Memorial Day. Maybe you hit that and continue the momentum into the summer, pushing for the 160s. Maybe at my age that amount of weight loss that quickly isn't possible, and you need more of the summer to get there and you hit 175 by 4th of July.

Option 2, start weight loss program now. Tell your wife. Say this is more important. Get the family involved. (I guess I could get the family more involved in Option 1 too, just a month later.) 20 pounds in 12 weeks is mid April, maybe I give myself more time, being honest with my age, Memorial Day is 17 weeks away. Get to 175 by then. Do a running program over the summer and run a half marathon in early fall.

Ugh, I don't know.

I go back to the family thing. I think I need to ask my wife to help me think this through. Maybe based on what she gets more excited about getting on board with me, right now, or think it through in Feb, get on board together in March.

I ask my wife and she says don't quit half marathon program. I don't have anything to replace it with. Figure something out in Feb for March, that's not stalling, that's right around the corner.

4th interval workout of the program, 8x400:

I ran an easy pace mile then for whatever reason, I did my first 400m interval closer to a sprint than my 5k pace, so I walked afterward. Repeated this for my next 3 intervals.

For intervals 5-8, I decided to run them at 5k pace, thus 2 min, which I was pretty much able to do, and then I ran 2 min easy pace between.

Finished up with a few easy pace min, enough to get my workout to end at satisfying 4.25 mi number. Probably would've run easy for another quarter mile to take it to 4.5, but at 4.25 I was close to my house so I called it.

I stepped on the scale on Monday and weighed 0.9 higher than I did on Friday. Yesterday a 6a it was even more, but by 10a it was less. Maybe I should stop weighing myself.

All I can do is laugh because I had a good weekend and I feel amazing and I have nearly six weeks before I can really do anything about this because at this point in my half marathon training it's not the time to start erring on the side of calorie restriction.

But it's not all bad, second night in a row I didn't wake up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, so I am doing something right with my eating.

At my youngest son's soccer game on Sunday evening, I see one his teammate's moms. She had posted on Facebook the day before about a 5K race she had run. I tell her I saw she ran a 5K, how was it? Not bad, she said. Where was it? Winter Park. On Park Avenue. How big was it, how many people ran it? 1800, she heard.

I tell her I ran a 10K that morning. In DeBary, at some park. Only 28 people ran it. And that was for the 5K, 10K and half marathon combined. She was like, she never heard of a race that small.

It makes me feel good, like I'm taking my own path.

Yesterday morning I read the part where Kafka tells Oshima it feels like some things are in his control, but some things someone else is deciding for him. Oshima tells him to relax and talks about how life is a metaphor and in Greek tragedies it's people virtues that get them in trouble. But it's not all bad because in the end we grow.

I have the recurring worry I hadn't had in a long time about going through life making decisions by default, about the life I have lead being decided for me. And then I think about the rare times I forge my own path being my virtue. And trying to figure out how that virtue could lead to trouble.

Sometimes I think I backed my way into mediocrity. Did my parents do the same? Did my dad find his corporate finance job boring too? I went to college, majored in something practical, got a job, got married, had a couple of kids, moved to the suburbs.

But then we decided to have a third kid. That was a new path. My parents had 2 kids. My wife's parents had 2 kids. My brother had 2 kids. My wife and I had a 3rd. He has been a blessing. But it's his soccer stuff that have made us get in over our heads, time-wise, money-wise, sanity-wise. It's a blessing and a curse.

Hopefully, this isn't our downfall, hopefully we grow.

This is what I thought about on my on my run this morning. It was cold for Central Florida, mid-40s and windy. Easy pace run, so my playlist consisted of mellow music. I put "Comfortably Numb" on the there, the live version from Pulse.

The wind made my eyes tear up. Or maybe it was me remembering seeing that Pink Floyd laser light show in college a couple months after my dad died. I cried then, maybe I'm crying as a run. I'm

Week 6 recap

Exercise:

Sun Jan 14 - travel day, a lot of time in car, just made sure I got to 10k steps, managed 10,081

Mon Jan 15 - 9:34a, outdoors near home, 4 mi, 40:29, 10:06 pace

Tue Jan 16 - 6a, outdoors near home, 40 min tempo, 12 easy, 21 min acceleration, 7 min easy, 4.34 mi, 9:13 avg pace

Wed Jan 17 - 6:09a, outdoors near home, 3 mi, 31:08, 10:22 pace

Thu Jan 18 - rest

Fri Jan 19 - rest

Sat Jan 20 - 8:37a, Viking 10k in DeBary FL, 53:08, 8:37 pace

Diet:

Easy EGPA to calculate, 4 Bs and 3 Ds, 2.14. Sun and Mon were Ds, then I was motivated on Tue with a B, fell off on Wed with a D (snacks during soccer practice carpool), remotivated Thu/Fri/Say with Bs.

Weighed myself on Friday, 194.9, motivated to lose what weight I can over the back half off this training program. Already thinking of the weight loss program that comes after that, need to think of what to read, maybe philosophy...blog about losing weight and reading philosophy?

Alcohol - only 2 drinks in the past 7 days, a glass of red wine on Sun, another on Sat, only 5 drinks in the past 14 days.

Music:

Newer song I heard this week and liked - "The Heist" (2023) by Arcis

Old song new to me I heard this week and liked - "Watermelon Man" (1973) by Herbie Hancock

Old song I listened to the first time in a while and got a lot of mileage this week - "Just for the Record" (2018) by Ruston Kelly

And say it was all a cloud of smoke And say it was nothing but a joke Everything that you said about me is true Just for the record I really loved you

Rereading:

Chapters 18-20 of Kafka on the Shore...

Nakata tries to turn himself in after killing Johnnie Walker but the police think he's a crazy old man. He starts to navigate his way out of Tokyo, helped by various random people, along the way making crazy predictions about animals falling from the sky that all come true, eventually meeting the truck driver, Hoshino, who will end up being a big help to him.

Yesterday was the second of three prep races, a 10K this time, the Viking 5K, 10K & Half Marathon in DeBary, FL.

It was a small race, only 28 participants, I was one of 8 doing the 10K, only 2 were doing the half, the rest were doing the 5K. I don't see the results posted yet, but based on what I could tell, I likely finished 1st or 2nd place of the 10K participants. This isn't saying much as of the other 7 doing the 10K, only 4 were men, 2 of whom were older than me, 1 my age, 1 younger.

But I wasn't going for time per se, that is, if I can do an 8 min/mi pace 5K and am shooting for a 9 min/mi half marathon, I probably ought to be able to do an 8:30 min/mi 10K.

Instead, I wanted to practice my pacing strategy, or at least practice my build up to pacing strategy. So I was aiming for mile 1 at 10 min/mi, 2 at 9:30, 3 at 9, 4 at 8:30, 5 at 8, and if I could muster it, 6 and the final 0.2 at 7:30. That'd put me at exactly 54 min, or 8:43 pace, as opposed to the 52:42 total of an 8:30 pace.

It was cold, and the race start was a little disorganized and a little late. I opted to wear a long sleeve shirt over my favorite running shirt, which was great before the race started but a decision I regretted about a half a mile in. The race start was a quiet corner of some Volusia county park. I could have easily worn a hoodie and a beanie waiting for the race to start then left them on a picnic table, and they probably would have been fine. I ought to keep this in mind for future small races in cold weather.

The course was out and back for 5K, out and back twice for 10K (slightly further out and back four times for the 2 lonely souls doing the half). I was surrounded by 5Kers and that likely caused me to go out faster than my plan. I tried to slow down to 10 min/mi pace, but it just felt too slow. I ended up doing mile 1 at 9:29.

Rather than just chalk this up as a 30 sec win on mile 1 and continue with my planned splits, I felt it more important to practice the strategy of slightly increasing each mile. I overshot mile 2 and did it in 8:48.

Did mile 3 in 8:28, so another overshot. Mile 4 was 8:12, only 18 sec faster than the original plan. But I thought this was great, I was still increasing every mile.

Mile 5 and mile 6 were slower than my plan though.

Miile 5 was 8:11, so just barely keeping negative splits through 5, and still way ahead of the total planned place, but 11 sec behind the plan for mile 5 itself.

Mile 6 was 8:28, not for lack of trying but I just couldn't muster one more negative split. So I did this mile nearly a full min behind the plan, but I was far enough ahead of the original plan that I could afford the 58 sec.

My running playlist didn't sync correctly to my Apple Watch, this happens for time to time, I ought to make sure to plan far enough ahead on this for future races. I was fiddling with music on mile 6, trying to get faster BPM songs to keep me motivated, that this likely cost me more time (messing up my stride) than it was worth.

I rallied for the final 0.2, doing it in 1:29, which pretty much on the 7:30 pace, so I did finish strong. Final time was 53:08, 8:37 pace, not that far away from an 52:42, 8:30 pace. Maybe I should have kept better track of the math and pushed for that time over that tough last mile, but I'm sort of OK with my result.

I crossed the finish line to little fanfare. Someone took my picture, someone else handing me a Viking medal which I gave to my daughter when I got home.

I weighed myself yesterday.

194.9

I am past the point in a half marathon training program where losing a bunch of weight is an option. I have to eat too much to keep up with all the running. Some might say this is an indictment on running, or at least relying too heavily on running as your sole healthy thing.

I feel great though. This amount of running I'm doing--more than a beginner, but by no means ultramarathon level--makes me feel amazing. Some might say this proves you shouldn't focus on what the scale says.

But my clothes fit a little too tightly. If you feel great, get bigger clothes then. I dunno, 36W jeans are just a tad too snug, but 38Ws are absurd. Size L shirts are just on the verge of getting annoying, some fit, some are too snug. But XLs are absurd.

And I know getting down into the 180s--the mid 180s at least--solves some of these problems, so I am going to try. I know I can lose something over the next six weeks.

As an aside, I have all sort of plans in my head of post-half marathon, focusing more on weight loss, still running, still keeping the miles up, just backing off some of the intensity of the speedwork and the length of the really long runs, and tracking weight loss more deliberately rather than some race training program, striving to get to under 175 by May.

But for now, the focus is on now.

I think 8 lb. in 6 weeks is reasonable. And the idea of running the half marathon at 186.9 sounds good to me. So I'm going to be more intentional about my diet and try to lose 8 lb. in 6 weeks, 2 lb. each week for the next 2 weeks, then 1 lb. per week going forward.

As long as you have the courage to admit mistakes, things can be turned around

- Oshima to Kafka, explaining why he doesn't like narrow-minded people in Kafka on the Shore

I can put a running schedule together--5 runs and 1 cross training workout per week, 6 workouts per week all together--and simply do every workout.

But I can't seem do the same thing with eating. "Can't or won't?" the imaginary therapist in my mind asks me.

Well, "won't" is probably more accurate. Because I've gotten my act together and ate better and lost weight in spells in the past. So I know I can do it, it's just hard. And I keep messing up.

Following a workout schedule is easier for me because that's just one thing a day. Eating right is an all the time every day thing.

But maybe that's the way I'm wired, I can more easily control what I "do" vs. just "be" something different all the time.

Later, a random person that helps Nakata navigate his way out of Tokyo tells him:

Things change every day…with each new dawn it's not the same world as the day before. And you're not the same person you were either.

I went to the office today. I planned accordingly, controlling what I ate better. I planned out the whole day, just coffee and water until noon, superfood salad with chicken from Currito for lunch, apple and unsalted nuts for snack, dinner at home with the family. I ate in accordance to that plan for the most part, probably a slightly less than ideal dinner, but dinner we cooked at home nonetheless.

Another tempo run day, third one, up to 40 min from 35 two weeks ago, and 30 four weeks ago:

I aimed for 12 min easy, 21 min of acceleration (increasing for the first 14, decreasing for the last 7), then 7 min easy.

I had fun.

The acceleration was hard. I first tried slightly increasing intensity every min, min 12, min 13, min 14, I was doing OK. At that point I realized I couldn't keep doing this every min until min 26, so I tried for every 2 min.

Increased intensity at min 16, min 18, min 20. At that point I was feeling it, having to tell myself 2 more times, then I can ease off. Pushed harder min 22, min 24. Next 2 min felt like forever.

Got to min 26 and started to back off. My deceleration wasn't perfect, but I feel like I gave it a good 7 min of decreasing intensity--albeit inconsistent--before settling back to easy pace at min 33 for the final 7 min.

I watched the Steelers lose in the first round of the playoffs a couple days ago.

I ate cheese and crackers, drank red wine, ate a bowl of chili, ate two brownies, then went back for more snacks while I watched this inevitable loss happen.

Fine, that's over now. I no longer have that excuse to eat badly. I can just watch the rest of the playoffs and eat like a normal, healthy person. I don't need to use watching my football team play as an excuse to eat poorly until at least September.

A race strategy occured to me yesterday.

I am shooting for a 9 min/mi pace but would be happy with a 2-hour time, which for 13. 1 miles works out to a 9:09 pace. A true 9:00 pace shaves off just over 2 minutes.

The 10 min/mi easy paces have been setting me up for good workouts. So my half marathon race plan will be to start with a 10 min first mile, then 9:30 mile 2, 9:15 mile 3, before settling into 9:00 pace on mile 4 going forward.

Those first 3 miles will cost me 1 min 45 sec over a 9:00 pace, so if I run 9s after that, I will finish just under 2 hours.

If I am feeling good, I can try to go faster to get that minute-45 back. But I will save that decision for after halfway. So I will go for 9:00 pace for miles 4-7, then assess my path forward for the back half.

Week 5 recap

Exercise:

Sun Jan 7 - 11:03a, hike on Little Big Econ Trail with my youngest son, 2 mi, 50 min

Mon Jan 8 - 6:01a, outdoors near home, 4 mi, 40:55, 10:12 pace

Tue Jan 9 - 6:02a, outdoors near home, intervals

Wed Jan 10 - 6:01a, outdoors near home, 3 mi, 30:33, 10:09 pace

Thu Jan 11 - rest

Fri Jan 12 - 6:04a, outdoors near home, 1 mi easy pace, 3 mi race pace with splits of 8:39/9:00/8:45, then half mile at easy pace

Sat Jan 13 - 8:25a, outdoors near home, 8 mi, 1:20:22, 10:02 pace

Diet:

I figured some things out this week but also failed in spots.

EGPA - 2.43, down from last week's 2.86, sight above Q1's 2.40 ... daily splits ... Sun C-, Mon A-, Tue B-, Wed B, Thu B, Fri C, Sat D

Alcohol wasn't the problem this week as I've stuck to red wine only for Jan before abstaining completely in Feb. Only 3 drinks all week, 1 on Sun, 2 on Fri.

I didn't weigh myself again this week. I want to lose weight, maybe I still can lose a few lb. before the race in March, but I'm 5 weeks in, 7 weeks to go, let's see this half marathon thing through and decide if I need to pivot to something more weight loss friendly in March.

The 38W jeans came in the mail and were absurdly big. I didn't take the tags off and will stick with 36W. Counting this a minor win.

Music:

Newer song I heard this week and liked - "Plastic" by Cheekface (2023)

Everything's in place now Do you like it? No matter what you don't like We can move it

Old song new to me I heard this week and liked - "Damaged Goods" by Gang of Four (1978)

The change will do you good I always knew it would

Old song I listened to the first time in a while this week - "Preaching The End Of The World" by Chris Cornell (1999)

Hello, I know there's someone out there who can understand And who's feeling the same way as me

Rereading:

Only reread two more chapter in Kafka on the Shore, 16 and 17. Johnnie Walker tell Nakata his crazy cat-killing/soul-taking/flute-building story and asks Nakata to kill him or else he'll keep murdering cats. Nakata doesn't quite understand what's going on but obliges and saves a couple cats.

Oshima picks up Kafka at the mountain cabin after a couple of days. On the drive back, Oshima invites Kafka to live and work at the library ands says all sorts of interesting things. One I've already blogged about, but in the spirit of continuing to progress on this reread, I'll just list the other two interesting quotes I highlighted without further commentary here:

"Reality's just the accumulation of ominous prophecies come to life."