A Restless Mind

I had the WORST fucking withdrawals of my life. I actually got off of these the safe and proper way, tapering the dosage down, but it still fucked my shit up. I was having manic mood swings, insanely dramatic irritability, violent rage moments, having strange bodily sensations, getting headaches, staying awake between 24-48 hours, and having nearly constant brain zaps, which aren’t too bad in general, but when they’re this frequent and accompanied by all this other shit, they’re nearly unbearable. 

Something I didn’t know about Cymbalta when I started taking it 2 years ago is that it has a, comparatively, short half-life of around 12 hours. This is why when I occasionally missed even a day of my medication, I would experience “brains zaps,” which I’d never experienced from previous medications. 

I’ve quit medications cold-turkey twice before (stupid) but I’ve never experienced anything this bad. I never had any physical symptoms that I can remember, however I would get crazy mood swings, typically lots of anger and crying, for like 10 days afterward, then, I’d pretty much be good. Or as good as one who impulsively decided to quit taking their antidepressants when they’re clearly not in a good head-space could be. 

I still prefer Cymbalta to any of the previous meds I’d tried prior. I think because it’s as SNRI and not an SSRI, which I guess is what works for me. The first medication I ever tried was Zoloft, which I took on and off from ages 16/17(?) to 22, later briefly trying Prozac before switching to Lexapro. I also took Bupropion, a DRI, for a bit a few years ag and kinda liked that... Anyway, idk why I’m in giving this in-depth discussion of my medication history like anyone gives a shit lol.

Anyway, I didn’t wanna talk to anyone about it while I was coming off of it cuz talking about meds with people is so annoying. I always get feedback from people who are NOT professionals, and who have NO personal experience with medication, and who know NOTHING about my mental health journey or my progress. It’s annoying enough on a good day, but I knew I’d completely lose it during those crazy episodes I was having.

Honestly, if someone tells you they’re considering getting off their meds, or that they recently got off of them, even if they’re having a difficult time adjusting, just like, congratulate them. It’s a big step feeling well enough, and comfortable enough to make that decision. And, as long as it’s done in the right circumstances, it’s something to be celebrated. 

I mean...

pretty accurate tbh

There was some stuff that’s just too hard to explain, but had to do with some deep stuff. There was also a moment where I was helping someone deal with a panic attack type thing. It was like sleep paralysis, without the paralysis... But the weirdest and funniest thing was that I, somehow, built/acquired a ridiculously long hallway/string of rooms that I, somehow, was able to slide all the way down on my socks. It was awesome.

Quarantine has given me a lot more time to watch youtube and get exposed to so many different social media “influencers” and I don’t know what to think of them honestly. A lot of them seem like generally nice, good people who just want to have fun and make friends and be silly and funny and there’s nothing wrong with that and it can be fun to watch sometimes, but it’s also frustrating and disheartening to see so many young people being so blatantly irresponsible and shameless. 

While I think it’s unfair that people in the public eye are held to higher standards and face more scrutiny for their actions and words, I think it’s equally unfair that those same people hold so much power and influence, especially over young, impressionable minds. I don’t think it’s their responsibility to promote certain ideas or ways of existing in the world and interacting with each other however, I think people tend to forget the power that they have, whether in the public eye or not. 

Simply by existing, by being yourself, even passively without any conscious thoughts or direct intentions, you are promoting certain ideals and believes and ways of being. People who witness you being you, your way of living, your way of interacting with others and the world around you, are influenced by your behavior. People are affected every day by each other, usually unconsciously and minutely, only making a noticeable difference in someone if they’re exposed to the same person’s ideas and behaviors. Even then, the person isn’t always aware of it. 

I am by no means a perfect person and don’t believe that all of my own practices are the “right” way to exist and I know that I still constantly make mistakes in everything that I do and I am still growing every single day, as I will hopefully continue to do until the day I die. That being said, I have always been compassionate and empathetic and try my best to be consciously aware of how my actions and words affect those around me. 

So it’s hard for me to understand how there are people who are so careless and oblivious and selfish and thoughtless. You can make the excuse that they’re young. I too was more self absorbed, immature, arrogant, and ignorant in my adolescence. It’s normal and it’s forgivable (mostly.)  But don’t they care about anything outside of themselves? Don’t they want to expand their horizons and grow as a human being? Don’t they think about anyone outside their little worlds? Is it because of their social media career, or would they be this way regardless? Does social media perpetuate or accentuate those negative qualities? Probably.

Part of the reason I never share opinions of specific people online or try to “cancel” anyone is because I’m aware that I don’t know that person, no matter how much of themselves they share online, and that I don’t know their truth, but humans make judgments, it’s part of our survival, so, yes, I definitely have opinions about people and the things they do and say. I try my best to stay unbiased and open minded in every situation. 

I know you don’t want to hear that, you don’t want to hurt anyone or make them sad, or for anyone to feel sorry for you...

But I love you, that’s why. And you would feel this way if someone else said it, and so would I, because we’re humans, with empathy for other humans, so just let me feel this way about you.

And, I just want to hold you. Is that stupid? Is it weird? I wanna hug you for as long as it takes for those years of pain to be erased, and be replaced with love, love for yourself. And then, I wanna hold your hand forever.