but rarely with a pen on paper

i started writing my poetry on his back

etching it in with my fingertips

maybe it’ll somehow sink into him

maybe he’ll finally know

i started writing it with my tongue

mine on yours

a language of our own

intertwined and in sync

each rhyming perfectly

i think it’s the best work i’ve ever done.

how long it would take for my lips to touch yours

the hesitation of it all

maybe i shouldn’t

how much is too much?

being in tune with the hum of your voice

each word means something new

the way i desperately cling

to the promises on your tongue

i will chase forever

to watch the sun fall with you.

the time the night sky threw a tantrum

and kept us up for hours

the birth of a new beginning

and in the candlelight i swear

i saw you smile as i cried

maybe you liked it

because i draw nearer

this divine love

your selfish longing for touch

tangled in warmth

accompanied by your selfless love

my body aching

with the promise of a new morning.

begging for a space to lay to rest

i guess this is it

an ode to those who mistook me as something dispensable:

i am not a drizzle

i am a storm

i was never meant to be a place to lay your head for the night

i am not the settling dust

i am the gust of wind

you were never worthy of my gentleness

i am not the late night

i am the pain in the morning

for all that i am

you never deserved a second

not even a first glance

you could never contain a whirlwind of a woman

i must be loved entirely

or not at all

i was not built for depthless romance

or kisses that promise a better tomorrow

so keep it

my truth is showing through the cracks you left.

maybe because i used to see poetry as a way to shout my unpleasantries into words

violently and desperately

but right now i could write so much poetry

so many happy words

string them into sentences

and lay them out for you -

like the quiet goosebumps that crawl up my arm when you brush against me

even by accident

or the way i can just think of your laugh,

like i am right now,

and smile

and maybe even blush

because i’ve seen it enough

that i have it recorded in my mind

so i can play it back whenever i need it

like my own selfish collection of you

i think words escape me sometimes

because they’re swirling above my head

in incoherent sentences

along with pink and red cartoon hearts

filling my eyes

and bursting with sparks

the kind of love i had only written about

in the 2am haze of a lonely night

chewing on my pen and drinking cold coffee

not knowing

that i had no idea

there was no way of knowing

until i knew you

you are better than any love story my fingers could tell

you are better than any vision of love i once had.

i wasted so many good fucking poems and so many nights crying when i could’ve been creating memories or giving my love to someone who deserves it and wow

i’m in such a completely different and better place than i was even just a few months ago

i know what i deserve and i wish i could go back and tell myself what i know now

i wish i could’ve been clearer-minded about who this person really was

and i’ve accepted that i will never receive an apology

but i don’t even think i need it anymore

everything happens for a reason i guess

i fell in love with the way you shake when you hold my hand,

well,

now i know you shake all the time

i felt my heart grow weaker while you were talking in your sleep

i fell asleep smiling that night

i swear to god i fell for you before my lips ever touched yours

isn't that a strange thing?

but i'm not complaining

i will never know how the universe came up with someone as bright

and as beautiful as you.

i'm envious of the nicotine pulsing through you

i could never get close enough

intoxicated by sickly sweet poison

you are both the rushing high

and the crashing in the morning.

pour out excessively

unknowingly

naturally

my heart is swollen

and i am dripping honey from every pore

i'm like a ripe fucking peach

you have made me soft

and i am ready.

and i'm drinking until the hardwood feels like home

i swear there's more to me than you think

i'm sorry that i'm not your spitting image

and i'm sorry that your god feels more like a threat than a promise

i'm not sorry that my heart beats hard for things you don't understand

i'm not sorry that i have a soul that covers this empty city when it's all laid out

my chest is heavy tonight

and you're praying that i can change

and that i'll find my way

but i'm praying

to anything that will listen

that you could listen

just for a moment

to the pounding in my chest;

to my heart that sinks

lower and lower

every time i feel you losing faith in me.

and it doesn't hurt at all

it's light

and it's warm

and it's as soft as his kiss.

as soft chills cover my body

it's a new season

and another month not touched by your hands

i find myself changing little things about myself constantly

i cut my hair above my shoulders

and dyed it a shade of lilac

my mother says it's lovely

i try my best to smile at strangers

and write things down as they happen

so i don't forget

because i can't keep living in the shadow of my past

i'm making efforts to assure that the future will be brighter than the days spent in the dark

suffocating in the thought of you.