Declassified: The Smallest Bomb
1957, the cold war rages on. Nuclear arms miniaturization threatens the globe as the hydrogen bomb becomes capable of fitting on missiles, then in suitcases, and finally, on October 19th, in the unlikeliest place of all.
Professor Morton Isidore Rammwick IV was hired by the US Military to develop the smallest possible nuclear weapon, one that could be implanted within a human body. Like a 10 megaton poison tooth, the “Internal Bomb” was to have been the most vicious weapon in the anticipated nuclear war that loomed over the globe. But Professor Rammwick exceeded even the military’s wildest dreams when he succeeded in making a pill, 1cm X 1cm X 4mm, that could be safely swallowed, or naturally hidden just about anywhere in anything. But that swallowable bit- That was the cause of the disaster.
In 1959, 17 pill bombs had been created and were kept in, obviously, a prescription pill box under heavy guard in the pentagon. President Eisenhower was shown the weapons on his routine tour, or a tour that would’ve been routine had the president not suffered an attack of peripheral neuropathy only days earlier. The treatment was simple, he was prescribed Gabapentin, which caused the attacks to cease. If you have a wild imagination, you probably guessed exactly where this is going.
When the president visited the pentagon, his pills were carried by his aide, Chester Hanswurkinsen, in a small red pillbox with his prescription notes printed on the side, in coincidentally, the same font and size as the details of the nuclear weapons on the small red pillbox containing the pill bombs. What happened on the tour is not yet declassified but the results were made public on Tuesday that when President Eisenhower emerged from the vaults, he tripped a radiation scan on his way out. Indeed, the president had accidentally ingested not one but two hydrogen bombs.
Surgery was recommended, but the president refused, insisting that nature would take its course. Nature unfortunately worked by means of an acidic digestive system which was quickly dissolving the protective matrix of the bombs. How long they would take to trigger the explosives, and how effective the explosives might be once dissolved, was anyone’s guess. Professor Rammwick was rushed in to consult. The president was given heavy stool softeners in order to remove the weapons. But still, he refused surgery. Thus it’s a good thing that his stomach acid had tempered the bombs efficiency.
Records show that at 2AM the next day, both bombs detonated at 1/700th of their nominal yield. The results, though not fatal and not particularly damaging to any facilities, were still nuclear in nature and thus constitute what sealed records described at the time as “The most extreme bowel movement ever recorded.” According to Eisenhower’s doctor, the full force of the nuclear blast was directed from his colon through his pants and underwear onto and through the northern wall of the oval office, annihilating two houseplants, one curtain, and much plaster. The radioactive flatulence made the building uninhabitable for several months, and the odor resulting from the atomic dump could be smelled up to 15 miles away from ground zero. The President was unharmed, save for his dignity which among those present, never recovered. Seismometers in Washington DC recorded a 1.1 Richter scale event at the time, which cannot definitively be linked to the rectal fireworks.
There was, however, a positive result of the event. Russia it seems had been developing a similar pill bomb at the time, but, when their spy network reported the results, Nikita Khrushchev is said to have laughed so hard that he ruptured his left lung, and immediately ordered a stop to the equivalent Soviet nuclear program.
Thus the world was saved, not by the goodwill of politicians, nor by the wisdom of scientists, or even by accident- But by the massive explosive diarrhea of a single president, who shat the single greatest shit ever recorded by an American President.
