Life is Dirty Work

*Sigh* I know about two posts ago I said I was getting back on the wagon and getting shit done but...that did not happen due to 1. The lack of motivation 2. Just really being happy 3. It’s bulking season (Holiday season) and 4. I didn’t think my body would mind taking some time off I was wrong

THIS TIME IT’S REALLY GOING DOWN. I have recently discovered that I have gained 7-8 pounds and an inch around my tummy. That hit me like a rock and not because I wasn’t expecting to gain some weight but because I did not think I would gain that much in about 2 months. I’m to the point my pants are too tight to be comfortable and I haven’t been there in about two years. I am not happy with where I am and this is the kick in the butt I needed to find my motivation. 

Motivation should always be something that moves you to work towards your goals even when you don’t want to. It’s a mantra, a saying, a group of goals that drive you to get work done. It’s people in your life, YouTubers/Instagramers that you take inspiration from, it’s the version of your best self. I’ve been thinking about my motivations this past weekend and I think I’ve gotten a good list going:

Youtubers/Influencers:

Kristen Calfee https://www.youtube.com/user/thismightbekristen

Mackenzie Marie https://www.youtube.com/user/Beauty4Babes

Gabbie Hanna https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfBpv6ahDMg7kEClQuMpzzw

Remi Ashten https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCKN9PT9mTOnUHqUnEE0gfyw

Kristin Mabry https://www.instagram.com/kristinmabry/

Katherine Donna https://www.instagram.com/katherinedonna/

Krystal aka bloodsweatfitness https://www.instagram.com/bloodsweatfiness/

Amanda on YouTube&Instagram https://www.instagram.com/amandaasette/

Shannon https://www.instagram.com/shan_shrinks/

Shannon Dempsey https://www.instagram.com/shannonsquats/

Rachael https://www.instagram.com/hellohipthrusts/

Krissy https://www.instagram.com/dauntlesskris/

Holli Hemmings https://www.instagram.com/hollisticallyfit/

Even though these individuals do not know me, their content motivates, inspires, and entertains me to get my butt in gear and get work done! Literally not getting paid by any of them to shout them out, I just really support and love each person on this list. 

Personal Things:

My future self

My current pants

My family

My health and strength

My mental well being

Just life itself

These are the big motivators. This is the list that makes me get to the gym 5 out of 7 days a week, if not more, and give it my all even when I don’t want to. The above six bullet points are what drive me to get to where I want to be. Everything else that I use for motivation, the people I listed before, they’re for an added boost but ultimately it’s up to myself to motivate me. That sounds too preachy, I know, but it really comes down to what you’re willing to let yourself get away with. Are you willing to let yourself workout for an hour a day or sit on the couch and do nothing? If you workout, are you down to eat healthy and correctly to assist that hard work you just did or are you going to smash an entire pizza? And really, it’s a balance game. You have to find the correct amount of doing the right thing and giving into your cravings when you need to. 

I like to follow the 90/10 split for my personal goals. I’ve found that if I let myself do anymore than 10% of slacking, I throw it all down the drain and go 100% the wrong way. This 10% can be a cheat meal once a week, a treat after dinner one day, or an unhealthy snack. The bottom-line is, don’t go overboard because if you’re anything like me, you will spiral out of control. I’m an “All or Nothing” type of girl so I can definitely get behind 90%. Once you’ve done it for about two months, it gets easier and you actually start to look forward to working out, eating your meals, and getting enough sleep.

Mantras:

I’ve also started writing down a mantra of sorts or a goal line every morning. It’s basically three sentences in the present tense that describe where I want to be or get to. This is a way you shouldn’t write one:

“I am at 140lbs and feel skinny!!!! I am always happy and my life is perfect!! I’m 100% balanced all the time and feel great!”

The reasoning behind not wording your mantra or future goals like I’ve shown is because it’s better to not put pressure on yourself to be exactly within a certain number, meet a words specific definition, or cure a disorder. Give yourself room for error because not one person is perfect and will feel their best all the time. This would be a better example of how to figure out a Mantra:

“I am at my physical goals; I feel healthy and strong. I am actually living every day. I feel happy and I am healthy mentally and emotionally.”

I’ve been writing down my Mantra for about a week now and it’s already helped. I’m not going to claim that it completely changed my life but it did add some more want and drive to get stuff done. I would definitely try this out and see for yourself how it makes you feel thinking about where you could be if you stayed on track.

Sleep:

 Going to bed earlier can also work as a motivation to wake up early and kick some major workout butt! Or start off your early morning by getting some chores done around the house, enjoying breakfast or coffee, or getting a jumpstart on a new project.

The amount of sleep you get isn’t something most people think can affect your weightloss/health goals but it is. If you don’t get enough sleep, your body doesn’t work properly which just throws everything off. I can go more in depth with science that supports this at a later date but just know, if your body isn’t rested enough it’s not recovering from your workouts properly and it’s not using the food fuel you’re giving it right. I would recommend to get 7-8 hours a night as much as possible. 

If you’re getting less than this now, start by getting ready for bed about an hour earlier and actually get into bed 30 minutes earlier than usual. Do this for a week and after that, keep adding 30 minutes until you reach your sleep goals. If you don’t get the correct amount of rest, it’s going to mess up all of the rest of your hard HARD work you’ve put in.

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Looking back on my last post, I should have known it was coming time for my visitor due to: 

Being more motivated to get shit done

My mood was cycling all day

My hunger was non-existent

Now I have zero want to get my butt to the gym, I’m pretty balanced mood wise, and my hunger is through the roof I ate so freaking much food yesterday and still went to the store for ice cream at 8:30pm. It’s no surprise to me that this is how my body reacts to the hormonal shift that is my period every single month but when you’re trying to get back on track to finish your fitness journey, it’s like a punch to the gut. 

I can’t really give any “tips and tricks to stay on track during your period” because I haven’t figured them out myself but I can list some that I’ve found and test them out this cycle and check back next month.

Track your period on an app that will allow you to put in your habits and emotions so you can see the trends I have one, I track my birth control and a few other things and it’s pretty on point about my period, I just don’t pay attention that much. 

“Eat smaller more frequent meals…” www.verywellhealth.com/is-diet-important-during-my-period-2507136 I totally get this but the meals I want to eat are literally just candy, pizza, queso, and some bread so I don’t think eating those meals in small amounts would keep me on track.

“Keep surgary and salty food out of your house. Keep fresh fruits and vegetables around…”  www.verywellhealth.com/is-diet-important-during-my-period-2507136 I don’t keep unhealth foods in my house but I do own a car and I live by a 24 hour CVS that has ice cream 2/$5 so you better believe I will be driving 2 minutes to get me some.

“Try some exercise or take a walk.” www.verywellhealth.com/is-diet-important-during-my-period-2507136 I just want to lay around and watch Grey’s Anatomy because I feel like a whale, I’m uncomfortable, and seeing others in more pain than myself makes me feel slightly better. 

“...Satisfy your cravings with healthy foods such as almonds, apples, low-fat yogurt or raw vegetables with low-fat dip.” https://www.livestrong.com/article/555824-staying-motivated-to-lose-weight-during-your-period/  I’m pretty sure this isn’t going to satisfy my pizza craving… 

These are just a few I found but they all basically speak about not letting one week ruin your progress and I agree but, how do you change your brain from using old methods of comfort to liking new ones in just seven days? I wish I could hack my taste buds and make the egg scramble the thing that makes them happy rather than the whole medium cheese pizza I used to be 210lbs, I can put away an entire large pizza. I wish I could convince myself to go to the gym instead of watching Meredith almost die for the 200th time or stop myself from driving to get snacks and just eat the freaking vegetables I have. I guess it’s time to really push myself to change some old habits.

Goals for the rest of this shark week and the ones in the future:

Stay on track with eating within my calories for the day and with exercise even if it is just a walk on the treadmill

Stop myself from driving to get unhealthy food and just eat the healthy stuff in my house

Skip watching McDreamy try to save people and get productive even if it’s just around the house.

Remember that even if you do fail at staying on track during this week, it’s not going to erase all of my progress. It will slow it down but I have still managed to lose 40lbs and that’s amazing.

Queue the little 3 year old kid pulling on his mother’s pant leg repeating this over and over again until she feels like screaming. Seriously though, being asked why is one of those annoying things that most people just don’t want to be asked. Why? “Maybe because I said so,” was my very own mom’s favorite answer when I would ask she still answers this way. 

Recently, I’ve seen this question prompted by fitness people I follow on Instagram and it got me thinking. Why did I do it? The it being losing about 40lbs in two, almost three years, changing my lifestyle and getting healthy. I didn’t think about my why until now, in the middle of the process. Why did I want to lose weight to begin with? Was it for health reasons, superficial purposes, or to just fit into the clothes I currently owned? To tell you the truth, it was all of these reasons. I had never really felt comfortable in my own skin and I still don’t all the time but I sure as hell am working hard to get to at least 95% comfort I’m at about 85% right now. Moving on!

Why? Why should I or anyone going through a journey ask themselves this question? Answering this question is like having your conclusion all written and ready to go before you have the body of your research paper. It’s probably one of the easiest parts of your report but it’s not the meat of the assignment. It does help you organize the rest of the paper though; you’ll understand the topic you’ll be covering, the order of what you’ll be writing about, and the results. It works as a treasure map, if you will, to get to the gold you are wanting to find. 

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Goal = Why do I want to do this? > What do I need to do/change to get to my goal? > Actually making the changes 

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The Goal

What are you wanting to achieve? Where do you see yourself at the end of your journey? How are you, as a person, different than you are now? Set *Mini Goals for yourself

*Mini Goals - milestones you reach throughout your entire journey

Why?

Why do you want to reach your goal? How will it make you feel? How will it improve your lifestyle?

What Needs to Change?

What aspects of your current lifestyle do not correspond with The Goal? What are you doing now that will not help you meet the final results? What do you need to start implementing into your routine to reach The Goal?

Making Changes 

Start off small and slow. Do not change everything at once because it will be overwhelming and you will get discouraged. Decide if you are going to make the hardest change first or last and go from there. Do not be scared to ask for help from others. A support system is important.

I might not have asked myself this simple yet annoying question in the beginning but I still answered it. Now that I understand the reason behind doing this, how to figure out the answer, and needing to do this for the rest of my journey, I’m going to fill it out! 

The Goal

Get down to a lean and healthy 140lbs

*Mini Goal: reach 160lbs by the end of November   

Why?

To reach the goal I set myself two years ago. To feel more comfortable in my body. To be healthy.

What Needs to Change?

Eating too late, thinking weekends don’t count they do, feeling guilty for not eating something unhealthy to make others feel comfortable/happy. Skipping workouts, not giving 100% of my effort every workout, pushing myself to go harder. Making excuses, not waking up early for morning workouts, not getting enough sleep.

Making Changes 

Waking up early for workouts 2-3 times per week

Weekends DO count - stay on track during them

Will not eat something unhealthy for someone else’s happiness

No skipping workouts | 4-5 workouts a week

100% effort and pushing myself harder

Will not eat late past 9:30pm

Will get enough sleep 7-8 hours 

Recently, I have been having these feelings of sadness. Not just the normal, “I hate my current situation” type of sadness. More along the lines of, “You know, maybe you’d be better off…” If you’re able to finish that sentence with what I am feeling, then you’ve been in my shoes and I feel for you. Most of the time, when I get told this, I call bullshit. Then later, I feel comforted by the fact that someone gave enough fucks about me to even just say that to me. Totally okay if you call bullshit. Those words don’t really help when your own mind, your own body, is battling you and it feels as though it’s winning this fight. I know how that feels. I feel this way as I type this at 1:08pm on a Friday afternoon on my lunch break. 

I am a 24 year old straight woman that has a full time office job, has a loving and caring family and a group of friends, and an amazing supportive boyfriend. I am the proud pet parent to a beautiful cat and dog and live in a great little house that’s filled with good memories, nicknacks, and a ton of fur. Based on all of this information, I am not the typical person that would be gifted with a mental disorder at all but I am. I have been living with it for as long as I can remember and did not realize this fact until about two years ago. 

I have Bipolar I disorder with psychosis. That is my diagnosis but it’s not what I truly am.

I used to, and am trying to be a writer again because I have found after years of not doing something creative, I need an outlet. I am a self proclaimed gym rat due to the fact that I basically go to the gym everyday for about two hour sessions, I am someone that does better at making sweet foods than actual food, and I am a regular Netflix watcher. I have found a love for podcasts,YouTube is the form of news I watch, and I have days that all I do is eat candy and nap. One of my guilty pleasures as a teen/now was reading fan-fiction about All Time Low on Wattpad but I never wrote one should I write one? 

Alex leaned in closer, “You’re the one I’ve been in love with this entire time, can’t you see that?” he said as he caressed Zack’s cheek. “But, what about..Lisa?” Zack asked with tears in his eyes. “Lisa who?” Alex answered and pulled Zack’s lips to his and for the first time ever, there were fireworks. -a sample from my never upcoming fanfiction ‘Fireworks’ 

Moving on!

I spend time with my friends at least twice a month and I see my parents multiple times every week. My boyfriend is so sweet and kind and patient with me and we go out on dates all the time even if it’s just a stay at home date. My co-workers are funny, hardworking, and appreciate what I do for them and my fur babies show me so much love. My life is a good one just with a curve ball other people don’t have. Others have it harder and I understand that but what about the people that have the same curve ball as me? I totally understand that Bipolar disorder is different from person to person but there are some similarities so we can bond over those messed up parts of us. 

Bipolar I disorder, as defined by WebMD, is when a person has had at least one manic episode in their life for a long period of time accompanied with some depression sprinkled in. I know this isn’t the actual definition, it’s better described in normal words though. The difference between this and Bipolar II disorder is with Bipolar II, you have a major depressive episode for a long period of time with hypomania sprinkled in which is a diluted manic episode. The psychosis is the part that scares most people when I inform them of my disorder. It doesn’t mean I’m going to go cuckoo bananas and attack someone, I mean, it could happen but not likely. It’s what my voices fall under. I have three voices on top of the normal inner voice everyone should have. They’re all pretty negative but one is way more negative than the others, then I have the passive aggressive one that can sometimes be nice, and the last one is just...impulsive. 

These three voices have been with me, two of them at least the third one just showed up in recent years since I can remember and I went about 21 years of my life thinking they were normal and that everyone had them. Come to find out, after going through a manic episode that lasted about 6 months, blowing all of my savings, and entering an unhealthy relationship for the physical aspects, a commercial for Latuda helped me see the way I was feeling was not normal. Jump to two crying filled doctors visits, starting Latuda and meeting my first psychologist, I was finally told that maybe three voices in my head all the time talking down to me weren’t really normal. Who knew?

I am now onto my second psychologist my first one had a heart attack and died, I see a therapist when I need to, and I am on a totally different medication Latuda made it hard to sleep. I am pretty balanced at the moment but still have small episodes of hypomania and depression like right now but overall I have achieved some major goals in my mental game. I now know and understand some of my triggers and the voices aren’t present 100% of the time. I do have my bad days still like this week but I know that it’s only for right now and that I could be feeling better in a few hours or even tomorrow and that’s okay. Mental Health is Dirty Work but once you get help, figure out what works for you, and stick to a routine, it’s easier.

Let me start off by thanking the being that is showing interest in my thoughts by reading this very sentence. I hope you get something out of this blog if it even just a new word I discovered due to the Word of the Day emails I receive. Assiduous: Showing exceptional effort and perseverance. This was today’s word and how ironic that it fits this exact moment. Also, I’m guessing I’m using it correctly...Moving on!

This isn’t my first attempt at creating a blog/Tumblr to share my thoughts and views on certain things that I once figured, “Only I, Michelle, have ever felt this way and I must share this with the WORLD!” I was in theatre as a teen, so drama runs in my veins. Maybe you guessed this but, none of those other pages made it pass the first post due to the fact that I 1. Lost interest 2. Changed my opinions 3. Flat out forgot about it. I am a young 20 something in a World of other 20 something’s that all feel as though their voices need to be listened to. Now that I am more concrete in myself, opinions, and views I think maybe this blog has a chance at surviving more than just this “Welcome to my weirdness, all I eat is pizza!” seriously though, pizza is my favorite food and I have eaten it for every meal multiple times in my life…Moving on!

Here are some random stats about me because I am important on my Tumblr:

1995 baby, the year of the pig 

Used to be over 200lbs and now sitting at 170lbs

#1 fear is the dark

Best scary movie is Freddy vs Jason, change my mind

I struggle with a mental disorder

pigeon toed walker Google it

I love unicorns, pink, glitter, old lady floral, cats and blankets. 24 or 60? I’m not sure either.