michael cimino

So, first of all, all he wants is to be normal.. fuckkkk why the hell are you so relatable Sam?? Within the narrative he’s always called things like “weak and feminine”. + he’s shamed for his desires and actions. 

(This is why he’s my comfort character. That doesn’t directly tie into the queer coding, I’m just a guy with long hair, who was raised in the south, with a much cooler “typically masculine” brother figure, and a shitty dad. Also Sam dresses like me, has similar mannerisms, similar food shit, and tbh he made me not wanna die so much. Cause seeing him on screen helped me feel like I finally saw someone who reminded me of myself, who got a happy ending and could just live. So. Side note, I do relate more to Dean personality/social wise though.) Any character that gets called an abomination (by Cas in like s4 I think) is INSTANTLY my pookie. Sorry, I don’t make the rules. 

I wrote most of this while I was on weird ass allergy meds that did something to me. and yeah. none of it makes any sense. Enjoy!

First of all, the way his (presumably) first kiss(*) was with a person who was also a freak in every definition of the word… and she tells him that he’s a freak, but it’s okay because so is she. She makes him feel safe. For the first time, Sam finds comfort in who he is. In his differences from his “normal” dad and brother. That’s how I felt the first time I met another queer person (who I had a crush on). It’s like finally finding the missing piece of yourself. Community. And he can’t tell anyone about it or her because it would be seen as dirty and wrong. Now that I think about it, most of his love interests were other “freaks” or creatures like him— outcasts.**

(*from “the girl next door” season seven, episode three.)

** 1. Madison, werewolf

2. Ruby, demon

3. Amy, wraith

Then, there’s this scene:

(Sam), “You know, I’ve been remembering things, little things, so clearly—” (Sam), “You know, I’ve been remembering things, little things, so clearly—”

(Dean), “What, donkey rides?”

(Sam), “You used to read to me, um, when I was little, I— I mean, really little, from that old, uh… Classics Illustrated comic book. You remember that?”

(Dean), “No.”

(Sam), “Knights of the Round Table. Had all of King Arthur’s knights, and they were all on a quest for the Holy Grail. And I remember looking at this picture of Sir Galahad, and, and, and he was kneeling and— and light streaming over his face, and— I remember… thinking, uh, I could never go on a quest like that. Because I’m not clean. I mean, I w— I was just a little kid. You think… maybe I knew? I mean, deep down, that— I had… demon blood in me, and about the evil of it, and that I’m— wasn’t pure?”

(Dean), “Sam, it’s not your fault.”

(Sam), “It doesn’t matter anymore. Because these trials… they’re purifying me.”

(End scene)

(From “the great escapist” season eight, episode twenty one. All convos that are taken from official (I think?) transcripts.)

He feels like he can’t be righteous. This is exactly how I was when I was a kid. I thought I couldn’t be anything good because I was gay, even when I didn’t fully know/understand (the way he says it) that I was yet. I felt dirty and evil and wrong. I thought I couldn’t be close to god, to the point I was terrified of communion because I thought my uncleanliness would send me to hell. I was taught that was what would happen, so it was just a fact I accepted. Sam being the brother who had faith takes me out cause like, that was me. I was the person who prayed and believed and all it got me was rejection. I was labeled a freak. I’ve called myself one more times than I can count. Just like he did. 

But really, just watching this scene felt like it healed something in me. The first time I saw it I wanted to scream, THATS WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT! THATS WHAT IT MEANS! Amazing delivery. Amazing dialogue. Everything. Ten out of ten. This changed my brain chemistry forever. 

“I have a disease in me, pumping through my veins. I can’t rip it out or scrub it clean. I’m a whole new level of freak.” Sam, in season four, episode four. 

That pretty much sums up how I thought about myself in my childhood/teenage years. The way Sam thinks he’s wrong and “impure” from an early age has always connected with me. His character has always felt like a parallel to the (my) experience as a queer person. I just connect to him on an unexplainable level for equally hard to explain reasons. ig

Plus, there’s the way his love life either ends in death or tragedy(/almost(?) everyone he gets with dies). And that’s not rlly super queercoded (unless you think about AIDS or something) I just like that because I’m also traumatized and I’m a slut for characters’ pain. So I wanted to mention it.

Actually I take that back— it’s very HIV/AIDS. it’s a whole thing about blood and not being clean, and the way his “sin” is transmitted for the first time is through Ruby, his demon lover. 

Tieing into that, there’s something just so desire-repression-longing-shame-religious guilt-giving in to the pleasure about his sex scenes with Ruby. Dayummm. Also blood and sex as a metaphor (like with vampirism) has long been held as a sort of queercoded thing. (Bram Stoker’s Dracula-- my beloved. THE queercoded book.)

There’s also the little bit of subtext with male “supernatural creature” type characters that other people have mentioned/noticed. (ie, that one witch guy. Paul?) Don’t qoute me on that, cause that’s more relationship/character interaction based than subtext/metaphor based. 

———

(Season eleven, episode eight, “just my imagination”.)

Imaginary. Friend. Wearing. Rainbow. Suspenders. “You can be whatever you wanna be.” Aghhhhh. I. AM. FOAMING. AT. THE. MOUTH. I couldn’t make this up. 

(Note from my mom: “I think you’re reading too much into this.” Am I? Absolutely. But that’s why it’s called a hyperfixation. I’m putting a shit ton of sub into this text.)

In season two Sam goes on a brief journey of self discovery. This brings this quote: “I’m trying to find answers about who I am. And my brother means well but he can’t protect me from that.”* (I think he’s calling Ellen here?) I get this, though. When you’re trying to figure out who you are, and you’re different, everyone around you tries to “protect” you in a way. From the world. From yourself. 

*This was probably in season two, episode ten, and that whole episode takes me out. Cause John’s love was conditional when it came to Sam and the demon blood. 

His powers have to be hidden from the other hunters (society). Dean is afraid that Sam will be hurt because of who he is, and that’s what LGBT people have to go through every day. That’s exactly like my mother telling me she was terrified of what might happen to me if someone found out I was different. 

So, seeing Sam’s brother (who practically raised him) saying that really hit home for me. And the way Dean almost treats him like “one of the good ones” is how homophobic/unsupportive family members will act towards you. They’ll say that everyone else is awful and disgusting “but not you” because you’re their blood. (The layers, people. The layers.) Sam’s “one of the good ones” to Dean because he has to be— he’s his brother. And Dean can hate everyone like him but he can’t hate Sam. 

A good example of “society” was Gordon. Gordon hunting monsters was a strong parallel to other forms of blind bigotry, where someone is unwilling to see a person’s humanity no matter what*. The way he vicisouly hunts down Sam in (season two) after this when his psychicness is “outed” to him is gut wrenching. Shitttt. Exactly how former friends (re)acted when I wasn’t in the closet anymore. -Violent and angry cause I wasn’t like them. 

(*that faction of vampires didn’t hurt anyone and I’m still pissed about this. “But monster bad” - no. Nuance. Please. This makes me INSANE. a lot of the time, supernatural just basically forgot there were ever good “monsters”/creatures.. like??)

Sam is always portrayed as the open and accepting one when it comes to the possibility of monsters being good or human-like, as well. He’s empathetic towards others who are different, like him. This is in contrast to Dean, who basically is really the action hero type who wants to shoot, first ask questions later. 

He (Sam) takes Jack under his wing. The speech he gives him in season thirteen, episode three, “patience” that goes something like “I know what it’s like to feel different… and be afraid of who you are…”, (I’ll elaborate later) where Sam promises to help him— This reminds me of the “older queer mentor-mentee” type relationship that I’ve been on both sides of. 

———

I feel like Sam would’ve started trying to kill himself at a young age to drown away all the feelings that he didn’t (couldn’t) belong. This is just a personal self indulgent headcanon that’s a little too dark for some silly cw show about monsters. Giving himself up to Lucifer as a vessel is basically suicide. And this happens after he thinks (that Dean thinks) he is irredeemable. I honestly don’t know how to explain it well enough, but his experiences are everything I’ve been through if you put it through a different lense, (since I’m not a psychic and demons n shit don’t, yknow, exist.)

“You’re unclean in the biblical sense.” - Billie the reaper (in season eleven, episode two - “form and void.”) Kill me. Kill me. 

It’s a reoccurring theme that there’s something fundamentally wrong with Sam, expressed by multiple characters. There’s several different reasons this is said over the years, but it always comes back to “you’re not clean/right.”

His relationship to religion and himself is connected. He feels unclean. For me, my prayers and beliefs affected that. His longing for a normal life reminds me of mine. And he can never have that because of who he is and the life he lives. I actually love all of his conflict with religion (“of course I pray everyday Dean” + that short season 11 arc my beloved. And then it’s actually Lucifer all along who was speaking to him? DELICIOUS. I love his torment.)

I’m not ashamed to admit I enjoy supernatural completely unironically. The bad effects, the weird ass stories, etc. You have to love and hate it at the same time? Nah, I just love it. So much. 

He prays the same way I did/do. And I love that because I see so, so much of myself in him. (Sam. Sammy. Samuel. I love you. Never change.)

…I’ve genuinely put more effort into this than any assignment shit i ever did for school. Quit school and watch Supernatural instead. Trust me. 

———

When Sam meets Magda, the physic girl, you can see the moment in his eyes where he goes “oh god, she’s like me.” Magda’s hyper-religious family keeps her locked in the basement as a prisoner for who she is— a psychic. Some hardcore religious families will treat queer people this way. The way Sam reassures her that she’s not evil or wrong, and that he’s like her, reads like a coming out scene. “There’s nothing wrong with you because I’m the same way so I’d know,” type shit. Reassurance. 

The scene:

(Sam awakens to find himslef in the basement floor with his hands tied behind his back.)

(Magda, singing) “You may talk about your men of Gideon. You may talk about you men of…”

(Sam, NOT singing), “Magda?”

(Magda stops humming)

(Sam), “Magda Peterson.”

(Magda), “That’s not my name. I’m not Magda. I’m the devil.”

(Sam), “No. no, you’re really not.”

(Magda), “He’s inside me. I can hear him whispering. He lets me hear what people are thinking. He lets me do things.”

(Sam), “What kind of things? Magda, I’m here… I’m here to help you. Show me. Please.”

(Magda looks at the cross on the wall. With the power of her mind, she makes it come off away from the wall and hover.)

*Short scene cut out for irrelevance*

(Sam), “Magda… You’re not the devil. You’re just psychic. There are others out there like you, like — like me. I have powers, too. I’d get these visions sometimes and — and I could move things with my mind.”

(Magda), “You can do that?”

(Sam), “Well, no, not anymore, I don’t think. But that didn’t make me the Devil. It - it - it just made me who I am.”

(Magda), “then you are evil. Mother says I’m evil, cause I hurt people.”

(Sam), “Who did you hurt?”

(end (of the important part of the) scene)

In lots of different movies, tv shows, and books, being a supernatural type of creature has been used as an allegory for minorities and the bigotry they face. So, I don’t think it’s too big of a stretch to say that Supernatural, intentionally or not, made Sam’s psychic-ness a queer allegory. 

When Magda faces off against her mom, she tells her “I’m not the devil. You are,” taking back who she is, which isn’t anything wrong or evil. In the end Magda gets killed by a man of letters, because some people will never see past their hatred of something or someone that’s different from them. Someone they don’t understand (the metaphor).

All of the OG Azazel psychics’ abilities “activated” at twenty-two. Usually people will discover their queer identities and/or come out at or near that age. I just think that’s interesting/neat. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

—-

In season thirteen, episode three, “patience”, several things happen that I want to include in this essay. 

The episode starts off establishing that a wraith is going after psychics (similar to a hate crime).* Also while looking at the transcripts for different episodes, I’ve noticed that that Robert Berens (who I believe is gay? - idk don’t quote me) writes a lot of the episodes that I feel have queer themes. And, as a queer writer, a lot of times, intentional or not, we tend to write from experience and the thought process of someone who IS queer, which can make characters come off with a queer reading. 

*Missouri remarks that he’s “going after our kind”. (Also I’ll die on the hill that Sam should’ve stayed psychic/telekinetic at least a little longer. There would’ve been so much good conflict, like this.)

The scenes

Number one:

(Dean), “Alright, well that thing might come back, so…”

(Patience), “Why?”

(Jody), “Well, all we know is that he stalks psychics.”

(Patience), “Psychics? Then what does he want with me?”

(Dean), “What do you think?”

(Patience), “I... No, I'm not... I get déjà vu sometimes but that's normal.. I’m normal.”

(Scene end)

The “I’m normal” is very reminiscent of trying convince myself I could be something different, ie: “normal”, instead of gay. Patience desperately wants to be normal, because she’s afraid of being different, and thats just a universal queer experience, baby. If I had a nickel for everytime I thought “I just want to be normal” I’d be filthy fucking rich. 

Scene two:

(Sam), “Why is it so hard? I've seen you throw people across the room. I've been thrown across the room by you.I've seen you open a gate to hell and now nothing? It doesn't make any sense.”

(Jack), “It makes sense, if I'm evil.”*

(Sam), “What?”

(Jack), “Just, go. Please.”

(Sam), “No, Jack. Why do you think you're evil? Because when I look at you, that's not what I see.”

(Jack), “Yeah well, Dean sees it. That's why he says... he said he'd kill me.”

(Sam), “He what?”

(Jack), “And maybe he should. Mom said I could be good, that I had the choice to be good, that it was up to me. But she's dead, because of me. I've only been on earth for a few days and I've already hurt people. I've already done bad things, and no matter how hard I try I can't... I can't do the one good, stupid thing you want me to. So I must be evil, like Lucifer.”

(Scene paused)

[[*I personally headcanon that Jack couldn’t use his powers because he was repressing them. and boy do I know a lot about repression. (I like to project onto my favorite characters okay?) Like, he was afraid to be who he is, yknow what I mean?

(scene continuation/irrelevant part of scene was cut out)

(Jack), “Sam, why are you being so nice to me?”

(Sam), “Because I know what it feels like, to feel like you don't belong. To feel like there's this darkness inside of you, to be scared of who you are, what you can do. Dean, Cas, my family helped me through that. So now I want to help you, because you're not evil, Jack.”

(Scene end)

This is the “older queer mentor” thing I was talking about. Sam, here in this scene, is supporting him and showing him, “it’s okay, I’m like you, and I made it. I’m okay and there’s nothing wrong with me.” he’s basically going “i felt that way at your age, and it gets better”, and I don’t know how many times I’ve had to say that to my younger lgbt friends. WHICH MIGHT MEAN NOTHING. but it also might mean everything. (Can you tell i have no better shit to do?)

Scene three:

(Missouri), “James, you can't.”

(James), “I can. I have to. Patience, she's... she's all I've got.”

(Missouri), “You have me!”

(James), “I don't want you influencing her, poisoning her. You need to say goodbye.”

(Missouri), “James…”

(Scene end)

This (Painfully) reminds me of being cut out of friends or relatives (especially children or younger people’s lives) because who I am would “poison them” or influence them to become like me. Because that was “dangerous.”

Scene four:

(Dean), “Have you given any thought to what's next?”

(Patience), “I don't know. School is in an hour, so I guess calculus?”

(Jody), “And your gift?”

(Patience), “I talked to my dad. He thinks I should put it away. Dad says we should just get back to normal. Maybe he's right.“

(Dean), “He is. This life, hunting, monsters, there's no joy in it. There's nothing but pain, horror and death. So if you get a chance at normal, you take it.”

(Jody), “Patience, wait. I may be out of line here but you don't have to listen to him. To either of them, if it's not what you really want. I had a daughter, I guess, Claire*, and I asked her to stay in line, to fight who she really was because I thought it would keep her safe. It didn't work, it never does. Your gift... or maybe you're right, maybe it'll go away. But if it doesn't? You try to force it down to make someone else happy, you will only make yourself miserable. It's your choice. But if you ever need someone to talk to or someplace to go, my door is always open.”

(Scene ends) 

*it’s worth noting Claire is canonically queer. (My wlw queen.) Again, what Jody says fits with how in real life, even well-meaning people will tell us to hide who we are because of the dangers of being ourselves/being out. It’s unfortunate, but thats a lot of people’s lives. Also, again with the obsession with normal, which will never not mean more to be because of my own life experiences. You can’t hide who you are, even if it means getting along in normal society. Being queer and staying in the closet feels like a slow, painful death. It hurts. 

Scene five:

(Dean), “I told him the truth. See, you think you can use this freak but I know how this ends and it ends bad.”

(Sam), “I didn't.”

(Dean), “What?”

(Sam), “I didn't 'end bad'. When I was the “freak*,” when I was drinking demon blood.”

(Dean), “Come on man, that's totally different.”**

(Sam), “Was it? Because you could've put a bullet in me. Dad told you to put a bullet in me, but you didn't! You saved me! So help me save him!”

(Dean), “You deserved to be saved, he doesn't!”

(Sam), “Yes he does, Dean, of course he does!”

(Scene ends)

*everytime Sam angrily spits out that he’s a freak, you could replace that with the other f-word and it would read shockingly like someone struggling with internalized homophobia. I’d know. (When other characters say it, the way Sam recoils is like a punch to the gut. I know that feeling and I hate it so much. THANK YOU MISTER PADALECKI!! -People who say he can’t act watched a VERY different show than I did??) Sam’s self hatred/shame is so important to me. Also there are probably instances of him saying things like this that I missed, but I didn’t start writing this til I was about halfway through the show so some of it is just from memory. 

In this specific scene especially, when Sam says the word freak he sounds so, so angry and bitter. A+ delivery. Also, when he refers to himself this way in this scene, it doesn’t sound like he personally believes it anymore. And that makes me so undescribably happy. 

Additionally, Patience’s dad kicks her out when she refuses to hide herself. That’s what happens to a lot of gay or trans kids when their parents find out about them. 

**Dean, again, has a sort of complex when it comes to Sam that he CANT be “one of the bad ones.” He has blinders on when it comes to him cause he’s family. 

—

In conclusion, when it comes to Sam Winchester, no one is doing it like me (derogatory).

Additional notes:

Something something, male crossroads demon(s). (The evil manifestations of your desires.) Idk I’m tired. 

Just look up “queercoded Sam Winchester”. Someone else has probably explained this way more eloquently than me. Also lemme know if I missed anything. 

(When I was trying to explain all this to my friend, she made fun of me by saying “oh yeah he’s totally gay cause he sees visions and has nightmares of people like him dying.” Fuck off, bestie. <3 She’s also a Sam hater. So.)

He can never be happy + he’s “always felt different”. Also the way supernatural is always criticizing “that apple pie life” makes me lose it. Why? Why? (A little detail I like is that Sam is also very understanding to Cas, who also feels/is like an outcast in his own family.)

Sam himself was never approved of by his family. I know how crushing it feels to have someone tell you who you are is inherently wrong. When Dean called him a monster/freak early on, my heart broke for him (and my younger self.) None of this is Dean hate btw. I love him I’m just slightly more Insane(TM) about Sam. That’s why I wrote an over four thousand word essay (on a theory I have) about him. 

(I also think Dean is queer. But in the way that “I need you” is NOT something you say to your boy best friend, where Sam is queer cause his whole life is a reflection of The Experience.)

Just literally the whole blood freak thing is coding (which by itself can be an allegory for addiction, but the way he treats this different part of himself personally resonates with me. There’s also some tie in with mental health issues/possible neurodivergence there, and I’ve dealt with stuff like that a lot. I know Jared has too, and he portrayed Sam’s struggles really beautifully.) I’ve just always personally thought it was a metaphor. (I also have some of those other issues it could be paralleled with so maybe that’s why I relate to him so much? I don’t know man.)

(Take a shot everytime I say metaphor. You’ll die of alcohol poisoning. I’m just not good with words when it’s this kinda shit. So sorry to anyone who reads this lmao.)