It's been 1-Year since we lost Dave, my stepdad, in what could only be described as a nightmare. I think about him every single day. It feels like just yesterday we were hanging out - us four, my mom, Dave, Chris, and me. I miss him every single day. And every single day I wonder "what if". Did you know? Victims of death by suicide are overwhelmingly white (7 out of 10), male and are between the ages of 45 and 65. Utah ranks number FIVE in suicides, NUMBER FIVE out of fifty states.
The rest of what I have to say is something I hope many will read and try to think on. I've put together some requests because while I realize I don't have to talk about it, I NEED to talk about it. I feel a duty to talk about it. I just needed time, 1-Year to be exact.
Request Number 1) Please think before you judge someone for sharing with others their traumatic events or scary feelings, sharing and talking about it is how we understand it, learn from it, and hopefully if we can, prevent it. Please do not assume that when people speak out about their traumas that it is any less traumatic than those who suffer in silence, it is widely thought that only those who are silent harm themselves but this isn't always true, those who suffer in silence sometimes take their life and we are left wondering how we possibly couldn't have seen it, but so have people who have spoken up - the difference is that when people speak up we have a better chance of trying to help them. So it's so damn past time to encourage silence by shaming, which is what you do when you judge people speaking out.
Request number 2) What I have to say might sound contradictory, but it's the balance that we have to find - don't be afraid to have conflict with your loved ones if it means speaking the truth. Be tactful, but be honest. Conflict is a necessary step towards resolution and communication sometimes. We need to not be so afraid to speak up. And on the same token, keep love, sympathy, patience, and forgiveness in your heart because the truth is, you never know when you will be seeing someone for the last time on this Earth.
Request Number 3) Please stop perpetuating the idea that therapy or counseling means you are weak or "need someone to tell you how to feel" or that it's only to dig up painful memories - this is NOT the purpose of good therapy or counseling. We are not given all of the tools in life to cope and learn, we do not shame people for seeking a coach for a sports team, we do not shame someone seeking a real estate agent to buy a home, we do not shame people for hiring a plumber to clear their pipes. These people are here to aid us because it is their specialty in an area we might not always possess the tools for. A counselor, doctor, therapist, they simply specialize in areas we all can use help in. We HAVE to normalize mental health. If you've had a bad experience with a counselor, I encourage you to seek another - find out what works for you, find out what their specialties are and see who fits your personality and needs.
Request Number 4) While I never want anyone to be afraid to ask the hard questions or speak the vulnerable feelings, and know that while we HAVE to talk about this stuff - please, please forgive yourself for not knowing when someone could go there, please forgive yourself for not being able to save someone, please give yourself the space for being human and know that sometimes, life and what others choose to do is out of your control.
And so, here I am, trying to talk about it because I HAVE to - this isn't about want no one WANTS to have to deal with this stuff, but we HAVE to, we have to talk about this. We HAVE to stop shaming men (everyone). I'm not saying to stop requiring respect and equality, but we have to stop shaming feelings, crying, seeking professional help, and mental illness for anyone, but we especially need to pave the way for young boys to grow up expressing themselves and not repressing themselves. We have to stop being "polite" and avoiding the hard things to talk about. If you've read this far, thank you for even doing that. I hope this can resonate in a good way for even just one person. I'm here to honor you, Dave. I am so, so sorry, more than you will ever know.
Ironically, May is #MentalHealthMonth please call or text your friends or family when in need, text or call me, and also call or text 1-800-273-8255.
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
https://www.talkspace.com/
https://afsp.org/about-suicide/suicide-statistics/
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