venting

Honestly it’s been a time. I talked to my ex’s mom today and she made me feel better. She is a great person and she makes me feel great. Interesting to hear he’s not talking to her and how she feels about only being a wallet. That’s how i felt

There are so many things I love about myself and it feels so good

I’m so excited to change my life and my body. The possibility of me being the size I want and eating good food and feeling confident is so exciting to me. To not have so much pain

I’m angry, and I hate being angry. I saw something I didn’t like. I’m on my period so. I’m letting him again and if he hurts me I’ll fucking lose it. That’s all I have to say. I can’t be let down again

I swear he thinks I’m stupid. I wonder if he’s using my mental illness against me. Because he thinks my thoughts run a lot that means I can’t remember things. I may not remember everything at one time but it will always come back. I think he’s afraid to admit and I hate that he makes me feel stupid about that and like he doesn’t know what I’m talking about. He’s a master manipulator. Idk

My boyfriend still lies to me. I mean I think it’s more like he doesn’t admit to what he did. When we talk about aria he says that she was his foster sister and they only had sex a couple times but when I get around his family it seems like they were actually together. His sister and his mom said that they were dating. And I know he cheated on me with her. It sos weird because he knows I intuition so I don’t know why he doesn’t tell me the truth. Wack. I know I’m not searching. People just tell me shit.

Can someone write a book about getting over stuff because I would like to read it.  I don’t think I’m as hurt as I was. I don’t know why I keep asking questions. I think I’m over it. I realize there’s nothing I can do about anything. I can trust and love and give. If I don’t get that in return it’s not a reflection on me. How people treat me is a reflection on them, it’s not personal. All I can do is learn. and let go. I’m free. Freedom is a mindset. His home feels like my home. I feel comfortable. I’m tired tho so I have nothing to say to him. I feel like he expects me to be my best self everyday. I think he just wants me to be happy and he wants to provide for me, I know he loves me so I will accept this love. Whatever happens I can always rebuild. I can always begin again. Whatever happens happens and I am strong enough to get through anything. I’m ready. I was so afraid. So afraid of myself, to be Alive and to be known. Im working on it. My social anxiety will get better. I am better I am free. Forever free. If I stop caring about all this material, I am free from all. If I stop giving money so much power over me, I’ll be free from its grasp.

It’s sucks not having someone to call. Or to text. I don’t know. I don’t anything but my feelings. Everything else is up in the air. This life is really something. I feel stagnant and poor.

I want to run. Like outside. For actual exercise. I literally have the power to change my life right now. I can run to lose weight, I have a dietitian, I have acne medication, braces and my doctor can set me up with a counselor. So why am I not? Now that I’ve gained weight I feel like I’m unworthy so how can I figure out how to move on from that? I really don’t know but I am ready to be me. The real me. The me ive been hiding because I’m scared.

We’re back together. I feel like we made way more progress being broken up. I’m scared he’s gonna go all silent on me again like before. Things haven’t really changed. He’s been way more open with me which I love. I just want him to handle his shit. He’s not able to be what my expectations of a boyfriend are. He can’t be. He doesn’t have a job. He has no money. We can’t go out and do anything. I think it’s better to have no labels so we don’t have any pressure or expectations. I love him very much. It’s not like I’m gonna be with someone else. I want something real. Maybe things are not be bad this time all I know is I can’t go through that shit again. I have never felt the pain that I did in my entire life. I’ve never been that low. I gained 20 pounds from that shit. I wasn’t myself. I’m still not myself. It’s like he broke my heart, I’m still recovering from that. I’m scared that if I let in all this love and have all this hope, that he’s going to hurt me again. So I haven’t really been my real self. He also has people all around and I don’t get comfortable very easy. I honestly just want him, l don’t care about anything else. These love hormones suck. I can’t make a clear decision. Every hopeful thought I have is greeted with a negative one. I guess he’d have to prove to me that he won’t let me down. That I’m his only one. I just don’t want to be hurt. My heart can’t take it. It’s makes me want to die. He’s the person I want experience life with.

He said he wants to give me the world. And when I left tonight we kissed and he was touching me and it was very nice

I think what’s benefiting my relationship is actually being apart of his world or at least trying to be. I think he likes me here. I think he needs me here. He touched me a lot when we were sleeping like actually tried to cuddle and be close, which was a first. He texted me throughout the day, saying he does really care and he does like being with me. He said it’s soothing for him when I’m with him. I think I really make a big impact in his life. He also got all protective when i took a hit off a vape pen which I’m not supposed to do because my lungs can’t take it. And took it from me and was like no why did you do that he asked me if I was okay and got mad at me for doing it and said if I die he’ll khs. I guess I matter that much. He’s my baby