Focused Life

I'm not an expert, but I have a lot of experience. I am a firm believer that experience is something that is meant to be passed on. Too many people hide away the darkest sides of themselves, and in return, so many others are forced to walk hard paths alone. Because we're too scared of jumping off of the highlight reel. We're too afraid of showing the dirt under the rug. Somone else might be holding the dustpan to the broom you use so well.

Anyway... this story is for whoever is listening. If all you get out of this is the willingness to dig deeper and let a few people in, beautiful. Mission accomplished. If not, then I will apologize now for wasting your time :)

Wednesday, August 22nd, 2018 will mark the start of my 40 days and 40 nights of digging deeper and making one of the hardest choices of my adult life. To live openly as a gay man, or to follow the universal laws of the church and practice a single-life of celibacy and internally deal with having same-sex attraction (SSA). This has been a life-long process. Up to this point, the only question I've ever asked God is "why?".  Why me? Why this?

I turned 29 in May. Out of my core circle of friends, I am the only single person. I have been in all of their weddings. If not the best man, I have played the role of. And I could not be more thrilled for all of them as some are starting to welcome children in their lives, get the jobs they've always wanted, move across the country and continue to progress in new and exciting stages of life. All of them with their significant others.

But the older I get, and the further they go, the harder it is for me to continue to tell myself that I really am okay with being single for the rest of my life. I am okay with never having real intimacy with another person. I can do this on my own with the friends that cycle in and out both old and new.

So now I figure this all out for myself. I've done the research. I have read the books, I've looked into the context, I've listened to the podcasts, and watched the hours of content on youtube. I've had the conversations.

I'm not running from God. I'm not turning my back on the church. I am seeking God in the midst of it all. But something does not sit well. I can't just "follow my heart." My heart has lead me to do a lot of stupid things. So now I will introduce my heart to my head a make a decision that has some pretty drastic repercussions...

Is it worth it?