memento

lunaxmia​:

perhaps if haneul wasn’t so accustomed to negative reactions, she might have found jj’s reaction more offensive. as it is, she simply keeps smiling, waiting for him to take a seat. because if he’s anything like the jj she used to know, memory loss or not, he’ll be too curious to set it aside. she’s patient as he settles down next to her, active as always even if he doesn’t remember parts of himself. the thoughts rattling around in his mind are scattered and fragmented, but haneul doesn’t pay too much attention to them — instead listening for the words that he speaks aloud. jj had always been precious to baram, and she knows how hurt her little brother had been when the other evidently no longer recognized him.

‘it’s my usual practice,’ she responds in the same manner, sitting there peacefully as she stares out at the sprawling buildings and terrain that surrounds meia. 'truthfully, i don’t speak aloud very often. it’s always been this way, for me.’

at his curious question, her lips quirk up at the corners, her eyes slanting towards him, a soft laugh leaving her lips audibly. 'why am i not surprised that this is a question you would ask me, jj? you’ve always been curious. i can send a thought out to multiple people at once, but it gets quite confusing when i receive replies, so i try not to do so unless it’s quite urgent.’

the smile falls from her lips silently at his next question, and her expression softens as she looks at the boy who had once been so dear to her little brother, who still is even when he remembers so little, and she can’t help but wonder if she can help him. after all, she’d been able to help sieon a little bit, hadn’t she?

'although i only really can hear what people are currently thinking, if you’re focusing on something, i can help prompt your mind into tracing down the path… if that makes sense.’

he wonders what he knew of haneul before he forgot. she doesn't seem hurt that he doesn't remember her, but he supposes if she can read his thoughts she had more time to prepare for that reality than most he no longer recognizes. it's still unnerving, knowing if she wanted to, she could eavesdrop on his every thought; that she is quite literally in his head, but she seems nice enough. her smile is warm, and jj isn't one to trust easily, but he figures he can at least trust her enough to try to help him.

she apparently knew him well enough to know he's always been curious, though he supposes just about anyone that knows of him would know that much. what matters is that she entertains his questions. "sounds useful," he comments, though he can imagine the returned responses would be confusing. if she heard something dangerous inside someone's head, she could alert all of the senior agents at once, then.

he nods. he feels a bit ridiculous talking to someone that isn't giving him audible responses. he supposes most of the agents that could stumble upon them already know haneul's shtick and wouldn't be surprised, but he decides it'll be more fun to try to communicate with her in his head anyway.

he thinks what she says makes sense. part of him is a little disappointed she can't unearth all of his memories for him, but he figures that would be too overwhelming, and it's probably best for him to wade through them at his own pace. it sounds like she can help, though, and that's all he can really ask. it's better than he has right now. yeah, i think i get it, he thinks back to her. if not, hopefully i will soon, if you're okay with helping me.

he doesn't know how he'll react if she manages to help him retrieve any of his memories. he doesn't know how disturbing the contents will be, or if they'll be painful. he can only hope he doesn't put haneul in an uncomfortable situation.

"i think what happened to me...i think kaiser experimented on me. on our last mission, after he appeared to us, i ended up throwing up on our way back to meia. you see, i don't have the memories, but sometimes i have feelings attached to people, where i can tell that i knew them and tell i felt a certain way about them even if i can't remember anything else. what i felt with kaiser...i don't even know how to explain it. i don't know if you like...only get thoughts or also get feelings when you're looking in somebody's head, but," he'll try his hand at it, since he doesn't have the words.

he thinks back to seeing kaiser on the battlefield, and the way his stomach plunged. the dread; the terror. it was the strongest emotion-memory he's felt so far. not him. not him. not him, he thought when he first saw him, confusion over why he felt that way a mere afterthought.

miajina​:

she honestly hadn’t expected very much from the agency that she and jinseo had found so unexpectedly. neither of them had been looking for anything; they had just been moving around aimlessly trying to live, expanding their comfort zone as the world demanded them to. but she had found so much here that she had never expected to find, from mentors to companions to people that she thinks she could really call friends, one day.

“i definitely wouldn’t call myself a master building critique, but that definitely looks at least a little bit off to me,” she remarks with an amused smile, feeling just inexpressably content at the fact that they’re actually somewhere where they’re safe. for the first time in years, she doesn’t have to look over her shoulder before she leaves her room, she doesn’t have to set up a perimeter and make sure that no demon can get to them while they’re sleeping.

they’re safe, or as safe as people can be in the apocalyptic world they live in, and she can hardly believe it.

which makes it all the more funny that for some reason, she’s laying in the dirt with jj, criticizing the angle of a beam. little things that never would have been possible before.

“i really want to believe it was an aesthetic choice, no matter how poor, and not a mistake,” she laughs. “are you secretly an architect, jj?” her voice is amused as she sits up slightly, tilting her head to get a different angle on the beam.

he lays on the ground, staring up at the crooked beam, closing one eye and then the other as if his mind enhancement might be wrong when he uses both of his eyes opposed to one, which is maybe one of the stupidest thoughts he's had in a long time. jina validates his thought, and he says, "honestly, i knew i was right, but i appreciate the validation."

yeah, it would definitely be better if it was an aesthetic choice opposed to a mistake, as much as jj's eyes may disagree. "yeah, i am an architect," he replies like it's a true fact. "it's not even a secret. i guess you just haven't heard yet because you're new...everyone answers to me, actually, i'm just a baby agent because i'm still young. something about keeping me humble..." it's all a lie, obviously, but one said flatly, though it's followed up by a laugh, betraying the act.

he sits up then, and winces as his tailbone hits some rock or some other stupid painful object in the dirt. he looks down at his hands, also dirty now, and frowns. "my mom is going to be pissed...something like 'what is all of this dirt on your clothes? how could someone with a mind enhancement be such an idiot?'" his mother isn't cruel...she's just straightforward. she's had to be to survive in this world. no time for niceties, at least not with the people that know her and her pure intentions the most.

jj doesn’t train much anymore. he uses becoming a tech agent as an excuse now, because really, jj is inherently lazy, and what’s the point when he’s just going to stay in the agency making cool shit anyway? 

alistair is making him train this time, though. he can’t get too complacent, he said. you never know when you might actually need to fight. okay, jj gets it. he’s probably right, but that doesn’t mean he’s happy about it. maybe part of it is him getting punished for being so annoying, too. alistair (and haneul, even) probably needs a break from his endless questions, and he can respect that enough to listen. this time.

it’s the middle of the night, because jj just finished a big project and the weird adrenaline of it is still wearing off. he isn’t ready to go to sleep yet, so training it is, he supposes, because he feels a little restless anyway.

when he enters the training area he has his mind set on, however, he isn’t alone. that’s fine for him, really. he’ll either just mind his business or have someone new to pester but– something about this guy doesn’t look right.

he realizes it’s suhwan within a couple of moments, and after that, processes how...off everything about him looks. his attacks are desperate and inaccurate and not like him. 

admittedly, jj hasn’t been a very good friend to suhwan lately, but he could say the same about suhwan. it’s not fair of him to blame him, though. a demon nearly killed him. that probably takes mental recovery time outside of the physical time, and jj only visited the med wing to see him one time, and aside from wanting to crawl out of his skin, seoyun was also there, so he couldn’t manage to stay for long. 

he’s not sure he can make it up to him now or anything like that. part of him wants to just turn around and leave, because he feels so distant from him now and it...hurts a little. suhwan was probably the first friend he made when he came to meia, and he was overwhelmed with the reality of everything he didn’t remember. suhwan was new to meia just like he was, also there before like he was, even if suhwan remembered and jj didn’t. they had so much in common back then, and...he doesn’t really know what happened.

maybe it was suhwan and seoyun getting closer. seoyun, his ex-whatever and suhwan, his good friend. it’s just felt weird ever since, and jj has never been the best at sorting out his emotions. he wants to learn the why behind everything else, but somehow, when it comes to what he feels, he’d rather ignore it.

this moment could be a chance to make things better or ruin everything, but he figures it would be a dick move to just leave when suhwan looks so unwell. to be fair, jj is a dick, but he doesn’t really want to be right now. “hey, suhwan,” he calls, hoping he doesn’t startle him. “are you...okay?”

lunaxmia​:

⇜ ⚒️ ––

her heart has been breaking for the things her brother has lost since she’d had to leave him four years ago. jj hasn’t come up yet, but maybe that’s an indicator of exactly where their relationship is now. maybe jj is another victim, another casualty, of the harsh reality of the apocalyptic world they live in. she’ll find out soon enough. 

but when he approaches her, the way he speaks is so unapologetically jj that she can’t help but smile, a little involuntarily. he will always be jj at the core, even though now she knows… jj, too, had suffered some incredible loss. memories — what is a person without memories? a person’s memories are what make them them, and quietly, she mourns a little for the boy she had known before. not just him, but sieon too — these poor children who have lost something that is inherently so importantly to their sense of self. 

‘you speak just as quickly as always, jj,’ her response is simple, voice resonating in his mind, a small smile on her face that betrays just how familiar she is with him, and she pats the spot next to her in an invitation for him to sit down. ‘you don’t remember me, do you? i’m haneul.’

he doesn't know why he didn't anticipate the telepath talking in his head, but it still takes him by surprise.

“fuck, that is...creepy. okay," he comments. she clearly knows him, though, and he doesn't know if that's more reassuring or frustrating. on one hand, not only will she be able to tell him stories of what he did, but she knows what his past self thought, too, and that's valuable information. if she remembers it, anyway. he imagines it's kind of hard to keep track of everyone else's thoughts in your own head. if he were haneul, he doesn't know if he would even want to.

still, she welcomes him, so he sits down beside her, and he feels...sad. he doesn't know if it's a past emotion with haneul or a current one. maybe it's just a bad day, where everything he forgot is getting to him, or maybe something sad did happen between them in his missing memories. either way, he gets the feeling that haneul is nice, and she knew him well enough in the past. he wishes he knew how he felt about her back then, but he shakes his head, because he doesn't remember.

"you already know that, though," he adds. jj isn't a very expressive person, so it's a bit unsettling to know someone can see inside of his head and feelings, but at least it's not just him. haneul does this to everyone, right? and he's sure she's seen...heard...worse than whatever is rattling around in his brain at any given time. she's baram's sister, isn't she? yeah, she's definitely heard worse.

"do you always just talk inside everybody's head?" he asks. "or was that just to prove a point?" he wouldn't blame her if so. he'd probably do the same thing.

there's more he's curious about though, of course: "can you send a thought out to more than one person at once? like, if you're out on a mission with senior agents and need to send the whole group secret info in their heads?"

that's not why he's here though. well, maybe it is to some degree; he does want to pick haneul's brain a little himself, as a fellow mind enhanced and someone whose ability is quite different from hers.

miadoyun​:

⇜ ⚒️ ––

“ah.” the teen lowers his bow just a little. his body tensing for a second before he forces himself to relax because jj would never be someone to hurt him out anger or being upset. he trusts the other agent. knows that hurt that jj must be feeling because doyun couldn’t imagine partaking in something he shares with dojoon after his twin has passed–the very idea of dojoon passing leaves a sour taste in his mouth. 

“that makes sense.” he nods. and he wonders if he should drop it then and move on. it’s not like he has a way with words or anything. he might just make it worse. but well, he’s always been impulsive no reason to change that now. “i think maybe instead of thinking about it like that—in the sad way– think about it more like…” he struggles to not sound insensitive or dickish. “like she gave you a tool to survive because she loved you and…. i think she would have wanted you to keep it up?” 

he cringes at his own words a second later. “sorry, was that mean to say?”  

jj moves to collect his axes from the area by the target. walking back and forth is the most annoying part of this by far. maybe he should try proper archery if only because there are more projectiles and he'd have to do less walking.

doyun sounds like he has something to say, and jj is a little curious about what wisdom the kid will impart upon him.

at least he doesn't tell him to just get over it; not that jj ever thought he would receive that response. it's nice to hear someone say it makes sense, even if it's followed by unsolicited advice. it's not terrible advice, but still.

"it's not really mean, it's just...super corny," jj replies, but he doesn't mind it, even if it kind of falls in the same vein of saying they're in a better place now to someone who just lost someone dear to them: pretty words with good intentions that still amount to nothing in the end.

maybe that love for him was his mother's downfall, so in some ways, that feels bitter too. if she loved him less, would she still be here? would she have been less tormented by his absence, and kept her own wits and heart in tact? jj doesn't know if he'll ever shake the heavy feeling of responsibility when he thinks of her; the guilt, the it was my fault. they can blame it on his disappearance, and then it's frustrating, because he doesn't know why; doesn't know if he had any say in why he was gone, or if someone kidnapped him, or, or, or.

he doesn't know what his mother would've wanted for him, especially when it comes to archery. he thinks she would've wanted him to always think fast and run fast,  and maybe...to make friends or something. maybe not. his brother said she brought them to seaside because jj was going to die from the wound his demon father gave him otherwise.

at the end of the day, he doesn't know anything, and so he can never shake this underlying frustration. he is mind enhanced; it's in his blood and brain to want to know everything, but no matter how hard he tries he never will.

miajina​:

⇜ ⚒️ ––

so when jj tumbles backwards after dodging one of her strieks, she gasps, immediately dropping her ready pose and darting over to his side. “jj, are you okay —” his comment catches her off guard, and she stares at him momentarily before she lets out a surprised laugh.

“the beam looks what now?” without a second thought, she plops herself down next to jj, laying back to see the aforementioned beam from the same angle. “huh, you’re right — do you think it’s supposed to be that way?” a laugh breaks free from her, amused by how their spar had turned into a construction critiquing session.

honestly, it's not so bad down here. sure, the ground is hard and there's something digging into the underside of one of his legs, but the view is nice-- ugly crooked beam aside. it's not often he gets a chance to lay down outside and look up at the sky. it's so blue, and somehow, makes him feel a little more optimistic. he trusts maylin and the others to build something better for them. it might take a while, but they'll be able to do it.

they would be able to do it faster if they let him help. for real. but whatever.

"yeah, i'm good," jj assures jina, and he laughs at himself now too. "not a good look for me, but it happens." really; he's about to spar and try to do something relatively badass and it's a rock that takes him out before they really even start. hopefully that isn't a sign of how the rest of his life as an agent will go.

"it's crooked," he repeats to answer jina's question. he's not sure if it was hypothetical or not, truthfully, but that's fine. he's a little surprised when jina drops to the ground and joins him. he knew he was right, but it still feels satisfying to hear her agree with him regardless. "damn, if even you can see it it must be really crooked," he replies, only realizing his words could be taken as a slight, but he doesn't mean it that way; he laughs instead. he's just getting better at measuring angles by looking at them these days. it's easy for him to tell that it's off, but he's not sure how visible it is to anyone else's naked eye.

is it supposed to be that way? "mmm," he hums. "maybe a design choice, but an ugly as fuck one." he doesn't know why they'd be worried about design in the fucking apocalypse, but sure? no, he should probably check with one of the building's architects to make sure they know about it, just in case it becomes a structural issue later down the line. god knows they have enough collapsing buildings out in the city; the last thing they need is their agency doing the same.

epsilonmia​:

⇜ ⚒️ ––

careful fingers apply the glue and press the edges of j’s wound together. with one hand, seoyun keeps the injury pinched closed while with the other he reaches for bandages to wrap around the cut to protect it. “you might be mind-enhanced but you can still be fucking stupid. sure, you know how to build things. but you make bad choices.” he doesn’t have to gesture toward the cut he’s currently treating; jj is so smart, he should already know. “try all of the above. and probably more that i didn’t hear about. you never told me everything. we were never supposed to be important to each other.” but he was, once upon a time. seoyun can say he regrets it now, but it still happened. he didn’t know his heart could get so bruised (he’ll never call it ‘broken’) from what was never anything officially, but it did. and all he can do now is try to pretend that jj never meant anything to him too, that he could have just as easily cast him aside like jj had done to him.

“no,” he answers the last question and doesn’t elaborate. seoyun might never have been the most sensitive guy, living half of his life outside of any agency made his words short and crisp, only ever speaking as much as necessary and not wasting time on niceties. but he had been kinder once. gentler, less quick to anger and more visibly eager to help others. but jj doesn’t remember that, and seoyun doesn’t think he can go back to being that, so it doesn’t matter. he doesn’t say anything more, instead sticking a bit of tape around the freshly-wrapped bandage with an air of finality. “there. you’re not dying, congrats. come back in a couple days so someone can change that bandage for you.”

no. so jj wasn't there. this sadness he feels isn't grief; it's just...sadness that's more complicated than sadness, somehow.

he catches seoyun's sharp breath, and even though jj isn't the most sensitive person, he realizes he might've pushed too far. maybe he should apologize, but he has trouble with that, especially with someone like seoyun, even if he may owe seoyun an apology more than anyone else in his life.

but you were. seoyun was important. jj doesn't know much about his past relationships, but he does know that. it's that gut feeling again. he can just tell, but he also knows he'll never be able to convince seoyun he means it, and that's...irritating. no; it's sad. it makes him sad. he looks down at his newly bandaged finger, uncharacteristically quiet. i think i liked you a lot, he wants to say. he doesn't know how to explain the fact that he hasn't found a single person in meia he feels such strong remnants around. it's frustrating, because where the hell is the guy he supposedly left seoyun for? why doesn't he feel some strong sense of past love or something with someone else?

it doesn't matter, though. one way or another, he hurt seoyun enough that he has nothing but acrimony for him now, and jj wants to get out of here, so he lets him tape up his bandage and lets out a sigh of relief, because it's over, but then a small groan, because he has to come back. "no way. i'll find someone to change it but i'm not coming back here unless my life is in danger or something."

he can go now, but he can't shake that annoying feeling in his gut: the curiosity, the need to find an answer that he gets sometimes, that he can't subdue until he finds one. he hesitates, even with the freaky smell and the way this place always feels too small even though he knows it's realistically plenty big enough.

he just needs to know.

"did things really happen like you said? me leaving you for somebody else," he can't help but ask in the end, though there's a necessary addendum: "i'm not trying to accuse you of lying to me or anything, it's just...it doesn't make sense...to me, with what i re-- well. i don't know. i don't remember anything. it's just...i can feel that i knew some people in my gut, and everybody feels a little different to me. sometimes it's nothing, even if i did know that person before, and sometimes it's a lot," like it is with you. he can't bring himself to say it. "the point is i've been trying to find whoever i left you for and i can't. i guess they could've died or something, but if they're alive, nothing feels strong enough...?"

so far being a junior agent is great. he's actually, legally allowed in the labs-- the weapons labs, not the labs labs, because fuck those --and he legally gets to work with alistair and gaeul. there are so many tools at his disposal that he hardly knows what to do himself. so many ideas whir through his head at once that he can't even make sense of them half the time, so he's not nearly as productive as he'd like to be. he figures it's kind of a learning curve, even for someone that learns as fast as he does, and he'll adjust quickly to the new environment and new tasks.

he figures he should focus on building something useful, like a weapon, instead of the bullshit he made before when he was bored-- not that some of that wasn't useful. it's just different now, having a role he actually cares about, knowing he can contribute something to meia that other people can't, and that they'll actually really listen to him now.

building the weapon is the easy part. the focusing is more difficult, especially because everything is great except baram, who just so happens to be working close to him at this present moment.

jj honestly doesn't really know what their problem is. sometimes it seems like baram wants to be his friend, and sometimes he's pissed off at him for no reason. sometimes jj thinks he's cool and then baram makes everything about himself for no reason, and that irritates the hell out of jj. it's like baram is always begging for a fight, and jj is prone to banter at best, so matters...rarely go well between them.

jj is trying though. he doesn't want to make alistair as angry with him as jinx was, or get kicked off of this team before he really starts, and he doesn't want to make too much trouble for haneul, either. so he's trying not to fight baram, and that generally means not talking to him, but jj can only go without talking for so long, and there's something that's been bothering him.

well, lots of things about baram bother him, but that's not the point. the point is, baram's enhancement is really fucked up. it isn't just the headaches and occasional bloody nose typical for those with mind enhancements; it makes him sick. jj also heard murmurs about his dad working for kaiser, too, and jj doesn't want to assume-- okay, he assumes a lot actually, and a lot of times he's right. this time, though, he acknowledges that it could just be projecting.

he's still coming to terms with the fact that he was probably kaiser's science experiment, and that he has no way to prove it. all he has are dreams and this sick feeling in his gut when he thinks of the man's face, or spends too much time in the med wing, or sees a needle or a scalpel or lights are too bright or a room is too white. there's nothing concrete, and even if there was, it doesn't fucking matter because he still can't remember any of it. it doesn't matter because no matter how much insider information he wants to give the head agents, he may never know what happened to him in there, and that makes him feel sick too.

he doesn't know why it matters if people experimented on baram too. they're both here, and their brains are both broken because of it, even if they're still enhanced.

he doesn't want to admit that maybe he just wants someone to understand, even if it's baram of all people, so instead he'll pretend he's just investigating to find his own answers about what might've been done to him.

"hey, baram, your dad worked for kaiser, right?" he starts, no beating around the bush whatsoever. jj rarely does. "okay, i know that's kind of a weird thing to ask so i'll tell you why i'm asking. kaiser is why my memory is gone. well-- i guess i don't know that, but do you ever just...know something in your gut? and if you're right everything in your head makes sense, mostly? it's like that."

You receive a message from JINX to show up for a meeting in her office. When you enter you are greeted by JINX and SOL seated on one side of her desk. SOL motions for you to take a seat across from them. A hologram of your profile is pulled up in front of the two head agents. 

“Hello agent REMY.” JINX greets, a smirk on her face. SOL is smiling at you in a friendly manner. “We have been watching your performance lately and have deemed you ready for more responsibility.” She taps something on her desk.

A notification pings on your communication device, a new message from JINX.

“You have received an offer to rank up, as well as switch departments if you desire. If you choose to accept the rank up then you will move from LEVEL ONE to LEVEL TWO. You may choose to rank up without switching departments, or you can simply switch departments without ranking up.” SOL continues, gesturing to the contract offer that you will open on your coms device. 

“Moving forward things are going to change, and we need all agents ready to face whatever may come.” JINX says. “You have until the end of the day to respond to this offer. Whatever you decide is up to you and we will not hold it against you. Dismissed.” 

SOL will lead you to the door. He places a heavy hand on your shoulder as a sign of support and comfort. “Good luck, agent.” 

the message wakes him up. he has notifications from jinx set to sound like a screaming goat when they come through, because he thought it suited her. as much as he would like to completely ignore all messages from jinx, he figures most of the time they’re pretty important. sure, he usually leaves her on read, but this time she wants to have a meeting and he figures he might as well show up instead of making her track him down when she inevitably has more important things to do. he hopes she realizes how lucky she is that he didn’t make her job harder for her today.

it’s jinx and sol. he takes a seat as instructed. “what’s up,” he greets jinx in turn, and he wonders why she looks so smug. sol always smiles, but usually jinx just glares at him these days.

wait, more responsibility? surely his eyes nearly bulge out of his head. they’ve been watching his performance and...by doing that, have decided he’s ready for more responsibility? now that’s bizarre.

sol starts talking before his shock can wear off and usher in some smartass response, so he just listens. rank up. switching departments! ah yeah, that’s it. jinx knows she’s getting rid of him. that’s why she looks so smug. “thank fuck,” he exclaims. “yeah, get me out of here. i wanna work with alistair.” easy decision. he can tell them that right away.

as for leveling up? he considers it for a moment. he doesn’t mind the lack of responsibility that comes with remaining a baby agent. he minds the name more than anything. he doesn’t care that much about helping the agency. he doesn’t have the same noble ideals as many of his friends. he just wants to remember who he is and build a life he can be content with. he knows it’s bad, but he doesn’t care that much about anyone else.

still, it’s just his current work that he doesn’t care about. if he was no longer a baby agent, and worked on building things with alistair every day? he thinks he would like to be taken seriously. he and gaeul might’ve saved the entire mission last month by getting local coms back online; he can handle more responsibility. he wants people to trust him when it comes to matters of the mind. he’s not the best in the field, and he can be lazy, and too nonchalant, but tech agent remy...maybe he could be different.

“i can tell you now, actually,” he decides. “i’ll take the offer. officially rank me up and switch me to tech. please.” 

miadoyun​:

⇜ ⚒️ ––

“its always a rough day in the range–hey how come you aren’t using a bow and arrow?” he questions, pushing right past his own inability to shoot a bullseye and instead focusing on something else. something that has been eating at him for some time now. after all he doesn’t think he has seen jj practice archery since the older got back. does he not know how to? that would be so sad.

maybe he would accept doyun reteaching him how to shoot.

doyun laughs at his failure. alright, maybe jj deserved that. he isn't actually offended, and he nods in agreement. yeah, it usually is a rough day at the range, isn't it?

"ah," that question. of course doyun would be curious. he just didn't expect it so early on, maybe. "hmmm," he thinks aloud, trying to figure out how to explain.

truthfully, he doesn't use a bow and arrow anymore because it's one of the only things he remembers: before meia, before seaside, back when his family was roughing it in invicta, living off the land and wits and their archery skills. he still has such clear images of his mother pulling back the string of a bow and arrow and letting the arrow fly, hitting her target with extreme precision.

juhyuk was good back then, too, and jj figures he's still good now. ironically, he hasn't seen his brother fight since he's been back. he's probably better than ever.

jj, however, is likely well out of practice, and even if he wasn't, the weapon feels too heavy in his hands and heavy on his heart. he's tried archery since arriving back at meia, but a deep sense of sadness and longing always overcomes him; longing for his mother to fix his stance, for her to utter tips to him that he doesn't remember anymore.

his mother. jj tries not to think about her, because every time he does, he can't help but think her death was his fault. juhyuk told him it was the grief over his disappearance that did her in and made her lose control of her enhancement. she wasn't able to keep her humanity, and meia dispatched her quickly. he can't stop wondering if she would still be here if he was never gone; if maybe she would be by his side here, both of them shooting arrows at targets together.

instead, it's doyun, and jj generally isn't a very secretive person. doyun asked, so he might as well give him the answer. "i used to," he says first, though. "that's what my brother told me, anyway. my family all used the bow and arrow before we got to seaside, so it's actually one of the few things i remember from before."

jj, as usual, still has too many questions and not enough answers. usually, they're about mundane, unimportant things, for example: what is the exact weight of a propeller sturdy enough to lift a pig into the sky? has there ever been a case of a demon dog? is it too late to find out who the zodiac killer was?

a more important question, and the one most present in his mind these days: what the hell happened to me out there?

maybe he has some answers. he has more than he did a few months ago, at least, but he thinks he has some extra questions now too. whatever happened to him is related to kaiser, surely; he doesn't think seeing him would've caused such visceral dread that he threw up if he didn't have some unfathomably terrible memory with him. he doesn't think he would've had new dreams of that same white room-- with bright lights, trapped, and the muffled voices --if kaiser didn't have something to do with it. he doesn't think he would hate the med wing and balk at the mere mention of meia's science labs if it wasn't all connected.

so, he was probably kaiser's science experiment. that's one answer. it comes with more questions, too, though: is he why i lost my memories? was it an accident? did they erase them so i wouldn't remember what they did to me? do they have my memories in a jar somewhere in their creepy lab? will i ever know the truth?

maybe he's better off not knowing. people have told him that before, and maybe they're right. jj doesn't necessarily do what's best for him all the time, though; there's a lot he'll sacrifice in his pursuit for knowledge, and maybe all he'll unlock is misery and more trauma alongside his memories. maybe, this feeling that he is missing a part of himself-- that he isn't truly himself without his memories --will give way to a him he doesn't like.

there's a lot he doesn't know, and he hates that.

there's someone new that knows a lot, though, mainly because she can leaf through other people's brains. well, she's not really new, apparently; she's just essentially back from the dead, and she's already the new leader of team crow. jj finds how much meia trusts her interesting; he finds her interesting, so he decides he'll find her himself-- in person, face to face.

he has to think, if i were someone that could hear everyone else's thoughts all the time where would i be? somewhere quiet, probably, away from people so he could hear himself think. he looks around some other places, then sets his sights on the roof. he's seen her around a little bit, he thinks, so he's pretty sure he recognizes her when he arrives.

"hey," he calls. "you're the new telepath on the block, right?" maybe he should engage in some small talk, or exercise good manners, but he decides to cut to the chase. "you see, you can hear people's thoughts or whatever, and i'm missing some. memories, to be more specific. i don't particularly know where they went but i'm wondering if they're still in there--" he taps the side of his head with a finger, "-- at all. would you be able to tell that if you dig around in my brain?" that's what's most important, but he remembers he forgot something else that's far less significant, but still important. "oh, i'm jj by the way."

three years ago

it's too nice of a day to not take advantage of it; sun shining in a way that could almost fool you into thinking the world is healing-- like there wasn't just a devastating war, like kaiser and his newly invented superdemons aren't out there somewhere doing god knows what.

maybe in some ways, it is, though. they won; they are building a new home and agency that will eclipse seaside in its brilliance.

jj believes this, but he'd believe it more if they let him help more with the building process. he's still fresh on the scene as far as agents go, being promoted to one shortly before the fall of the former agency, so some of the older agents don't value his opinions as much as he thinks they should. he's mind enhanced, for god's sake; this is his forte. who cares if taking too many measurements and dimensions in his mind gives him a terrible headache after too long? psh, that's nothing.

still, today, he's content to enjoy the sunshine and mostly-fresh air, even if he's not allowed to stray too far from the construction site. it's not like that ever stopped him before, but today he's with jina, and he's pretty sure she would never go for a walk through the dangerous city with him.

even when he's trying to relax, jj still isn't the best at staying still for long, and jina is pretty new to whatever they're calling the remnants of seaside, so he proposed they spar, carefully, because they don't have protective gear and jinseo or someone else will probably kill jj if jina happened to get hurt because of him-- not that jina isn't capable of hurting him.

it would appear what's most realistic is jj injuring himself, because somehow, when he dodges one of jina's attacks, his foot lands on a rock or something, and he tumbles backwards, landing on his back in the grass. he lays there for a moment, more confused than hurt, but he squints with one eye and wrinkles his nose regardless.

from here, he can so clearly see the rising walls of meia against the backdrop of the blue sky, and, "fuck, that beam looks really off from here."

The night following the events during the RIVER BLOCK mission will be rough for all. AGENT REMY will have his sleep disrupted. Visions of a white room, of lights far too bright, of muffled voices come to his mind in his dreams. The feeling of cold metal wrapped around his wrists, trapping him in place. He speaks but there is no sound. 

Suddenly the harsh whiteness is gone. He sees a tech lab before him, supplies littering the table that are free to be used. Ready to be pieced together into something new. 

He doesn’t hear the distant voice. “Okay, he’s in the illusion. Begin test 34.” For REMY all he knows is he has been given freedom to work on his latest project. 

These visions come to him in his sleep for the four days. Each one varying slightly. During the fourth day he will experience headaches on and off throughout the day. The fifth day nothing happens, no dreams or visions or headaches. 

he doesn’t know what he expected.

maybe exactly this, really.

maybe that’s why he lays in bed the first night staring at the ceiling for hours, sifting through thoughts, trying to recall kaiser’s face. he knows it’s there somewhere, hidden away in the missing memories; he could tell from the moment he saw him out in the field today. the recognition. the dread– that same dread he felt in his recurring dream, with the white room and the door and the motion on the other side, the waiting, the waiting.

was it kaiser on the other side of that door? he spent the past two years of his life wondering, waking up in the middle of the night in frustration, because he just wanted to know. he was so afraid, but he wanted to know; that warring relief and anger inside of him. thank god, it was just a dream, but maybe it wasn’t, and he wanted to know, no matter how horrific it was. maybe curiosity would kill the cat, but some days he couldn’t help but think that would be better than searching for the part of himself he lost for the rest of his life.

he still feels a little sick. he hasn’t felt like himself ever since, but who has after today, really? the difference is this jj might be more him than he’s ever been, and he doesn’t know how to come to terms with that.

maybe everyone that told him he’s better off not remembering is right. maybe, once he really knows what happened to him, he’ll become some useless, fearful shell of a human being.

in the meantime, he still doesn’t remember. he knows kaiser. he knows his innate, unshakable fear of the med wing and labs, and he knows the dreams he has, and he knows a little about the nature of the sra and their experiments. he almost knows he was one of them. he’s a solid 95% sure.

he still doesn’t know where his memories went, though. was his time there so traumatic that his own mind blocked everything out as a defense mechanism? did they erase his memories, whether on purpose or accident? did they steal his memories? can they do that?

he still has so many questions, and he’ll probably ask alistair eventually.

in the meantime, he needs to sleep if he can. he’ll either fall asleep and feel better when he wakes up, or fall asleep, have a terrible dream, and wake up feeling worse.

but maybe the dream will be a memory too. maybe it’ll be worth it.

alright, you bitch of a brain. let’s do this.

he feels dizzy.

it’s strange. one second, he was hyperfocused on fixing coms. lerissa assigned a whole entourage (see: two people. it was two people, right?) to protect him and gaeul while they got things up and running again. they worked together and they succeeded under immense pressure, and jj felt proud of himself even if there was little time to.

there would’ve been little time to because they really needed to get out of the area and back to the agency regardless, but then...kaiser.

jj heard stories about him, of course, mostly through pestering alistair with questions as he tried to solve the mystery of his lost memories. kaiser is the reason good tech agents can’t catch a break, alistair always said. he heard about the fall of seaside jj himself was supposedly involved in, and kaiser’s responsibility for it, as well as the agency he established and his mission.

but he never saw kaiser before.

that’s what he always assumed, anyway, but seeing him today came with that unmistakable feeling of recognition in his gut, as well as an overwhelming nausea.  

he knows the feeling well now, after spending a year at the agency learning about what he remembers and what he doesn’t, and who was important to him once and who he barely knew. with those he felt strongly about, or who held some of the most significant positions in his life before he disappeared, he could just tell. seoyun, for example, carried a feeling of familiar sadness and melancholy. jiwon, something in a similar realm, but a little warmer. others, too, carried ghosts of emotion with them that jj could connect to his past self.

with kaiser's face comes dread. dread like the dread in his reoccurring dream, where he's in that white room, waiting, waiting for someone to come through the door that never does. with kaiser's face comes dread and fear and anger, and the pieces fall together abruptly and jarringly, all snapping into place with a sickening whiplash.

it's his fault. he can tell. he can tell. everything is kaiser's fault.

it make sense. the way he stiffens around medical equipment, the way his hairs stand on end if he so much as thinks about the labs and the experiments they do there, even in meia-- even as they work toward good things. kaiser's experiments. the white room, the voices, the bright lights he hates even now.

he doesn't know if kaiser took his memories or kaiser did something so traumatic to him that it made him forget everything. maybe he's storing his memories in a jar somewhere to use for evil schemes, hell if jj knows.

one day he'll know, but not now; not yet, because even as they make haste toward the agency's base, the world swims around him. his vision is blurry and he doesn't know if he'll pass out or if he's about to cry, but either way, he hates it. he usually has it all together, or at least pretends to, but now, he feels like a frayed wire that just fell in water, all buzzing electricity, all of his nerves shaking, everything shaking.

[ tw: vomiting ]

he still feels sick. "give me a minute," he says to no one in particular, because he long since lost awareness of what fellow agent walked beside him. he turns, walks a few paces off of their route, and promptly throws up behind a bush. he can hear his heart beating in his ears.

he really wants to just sit down and catch his breath, but he also doesn't want to die, so he'll keep moving. he'll have time to process and come to terms with his realizations later, once they're back to safety. for now, he needs to push through. compartmentalize.

"i'm good," he informs, once again, no one in particular. (no. he is not good. he is, one could say, bad, even.)

miagaeul​:

⇜ ⚒️ ––

     “i would ask how someone even got gum,” she laughs plainly, opening up the hologram again with a frown on her face. she taps at a few buttons, and then changes her mind. she wishes she could be back at the tech lab so she could have access to the computers to figure out what the hell was going on. 

     “pretty sure we’ve been hacked … but how? celest is too good,” gaeul comments with a frown on her lips, tapping at a few buttons to open the settings and then resetting what she could. the images flicker and she bites on her lip. “any luck on your bit?”

"i don't know, gum probably lasts for a thousand years even if it tastes like shit, yeah?" jj debates casually, like their very lives are not at stake right now. in reality, he and gaeul are doing something immensely important, and it really could be that dire. life-or-death. fixing the local coms won't bring all of the systems back online, but it should be enough to at least get in contact with the senior agents. he and gaeul can probably boost the signal enough to get it back to the agency, too, and even though they're used to high tech gadgets and fancy features on their communicators, that's what matters most. that's what will save their lives.

that's what he and gaeul are responsible for. no big deal.

luckily, jj doesn't really get nervous unless he's in the med wing or thinking about the labs, and he's not doing either of those and he's not taking on this task by himself.

he and gaeul can do this. it's rare that the tech guys get to be the real heroes, anyway. now's their time to shine.

he shines the flashlight gaeul hands in inside the coms server, checking out all the wires and motherboards. pretty sure we've been hacked. yeah, jj can concur. "doesn't look like it was physically tampered with," he agrees.

he also agrees that celest is too good. he can think of a few hows, though; he doesn't know if he should say them out loud. gaeul is probably smart enough to guess regardless, so he might as well. "maybe something happened to her," and jj would hate that. he hasn't actually spent a lot of time with celest, at least not physically, but she's provided him with an abundance of technological entertainment even at a distance. meia would be lost without her. he can say that with utter confidence.

"or...maybe it was someone on the inside," because gaeul is right. celest was fine, at least as far as they knew, when they left this morning. he's pretty sure if anything was out of the ordinary in that department, jinx and maylin wouldn't have let the mission go forward. celest could surely stop any outside attacks, and if she couldn't, she would be able to detect it and warn someone about it, surely. it would make the most sense if someone she trusted was responsible. they wouldn't even have to break through any of the security measures, because they would be behind the security measures. they would know the ins and outs of how it works, and if they were smart-- especially smart enough to work with celest --they could figure out how to bury it long enough so celest wouldn't know the system was hacked or infected until it was too late.

either way, the how doesn't necessarily matter right now unless it's how do we fix it?

jj reaches into his backpack once again, this time pulling out a small computer, made up of parts he managed to steal from the tech labs, and by that he means that he managed to get his tech agent friends to slip him, surely not a secret to celest or alistair. alistair, at least, liked him, though, so he doubted either of them minded.

especially considering this baby was about to save the entire operation.

he didn't really anticipate this happening, necessarily, but he figured it was good to be prepared, whether that was preparation for disaster or preparation to have enough downtime to play solitaire.

he fires it up, glad to see everything functioning as it should. he hasn't connected to the agency's wifi recently; if he did, he wouldn't be surprised if his computer was filled to the brim with malware right now to the point of being unusable. this hack seems pretty bad.

"please have a port i can connect this to, please have a port i can connect this to," he mutters as he searches the local communications server. "gaeul, do you see a port i can connect this to over there?"