mad woman

nomi: it's not whatever

nomi: and i'm not mad. i want you to be happy. i just don't want you to lie to me about it

mia: it is whatever

mia: it had to be whatever otherwise im going to have a full on fucking meltdown

mia: like if you think my outburst in the groupchat was bad, just wait until i admit that its all actually happening

nomi: oh mi

nomi: i'm so sorry

mia: its whatever

nomi: i don't even know why i try honestly

nomi: you always just shut me out

nomi: you don't really want to talk about anything anymore

nomi: why is apollo just straight up lying in the gc??

“ maybe i don’t, “ he responded, his voice sounding defeated, broken. “ i have ruined so many things since i started drinking and you have no idea what that’s like, to not recognize yourself anymore, to watch yourself hurt everyone around you. – and hardly anyone in this house knows the first thing about me. shit, you probably don’t know anything real about me either. “ he felt more of his energy drain the more mia talked, the drink he’d left the room to take not really kicking in yet. he’d never wanted to end up like this, falling so deep into his hole with alcohol that every time he tried to pull himself out, he fell right back in. it was always one step forward, two steps back no matter how hard he tried. and being in the house didn’t help, where he was constantly faced with so much of the pain that he had caused, his drunkenness being just as destructive for everyone else as it was for him. having lost himself in thought, apollo’s eyes shot up when he heard what sounded like mia knocking into something and the look on her face shakes him to the core. he feels his breath catch in his throat right away and it’s a few moments before he can finally talk again. “ can’t do what? “ he croaks. “ be around an addict anymore? then leave, go, walk away. i know that’s what you want to do. “

“no, i don’t know what it’s like,” she says quietly, her own energy beginning to run out, “but i know what it’s like to love someone despite all of that, no matter how many times they fuck up and hurt you. and nothing you say is going to be able to make me stop.” she’s not sure if she’s talking about jimmy or apollo or maybe both of them, the details of their conversation turning into a jumbled mess in her head. it occurred to her that she didn’t know how to help either of them, and she wasn’t sure that she was meant to. jimmy hadn’t gotten clean until she disappeared from his life, and apollo hadn’t started trying until they stopped seeing each other. maybe she was the common denominator in all this, enabling without even realizing it. she searches her mind for something to say, but she comes up empty, not wanting to make him feel worse, but not wanting herself to feel worse at the same time. her eyes search his face, her cheeks flushed and eyes glassy, clearing her throat gently before she speaks again. “i know how hard this is for you,” she settles on, knuckles turning white as her grip on the table tightens, “or at least, i can imagine. and i want to be there for you. i don’t enjoy seeing you hurting, as much as you seem to think i hate you or don’t care or whatever.  but you need to understand that its difficult for me, too. watching jimmy go through everything he did for the past few years... it fucked me up, apollo. permanently. i’m trying to heal from it. and i’m just not in a place where i can put yours or anyone else’s feelings before mine. if i do, i’ll be fucked up for the rest of my life.” 

“ because that’s what addicts do! “ apollo blurts out, too tired and frustrated to worry about the level of his voice. “ we hurt the people we love, regardless of how much we love them or they love us. everyone around us is just collateral damage to our inevitable fall back into that dark pit that we tried so hard to climb out of before. “ despite his sudden outburst, his voice grew soft, somber even, as he continued talking. he knew all too well what it was like to have something impact your life and relationships so heavily like this and the longer he spent trying to get sober, the more he had to deal with the fact that he’d ruined so many good things because of his drinking. with a sharp intake of breath, apollo got him from his seat. “ you of all people should know that sometimes love isn’t enough. we learned that the hard way, “ he muttered, hesitating before walking from the room into the kitchen to finally get that drink he’d initially come downstairs for before. he stared at the glass for a few seconds, trying to talk himself out of it, before downing it and going back to where he’d left mia just moments ago. he plopped back down into the chair he was sitting in before, not lifting his eyes to look at mia, unsure of what to say as a million emotions rattled in his brain.

“and what exactly does that mean, apollo? that you don’t deserve love? you don’t deserve to have someone to help pull you out of the pit? bullshit,” she shakes her head, “you have someone. fuck, you have almost everyone in this house. he doesn’t have anyone. not his parents, not his bandmates, and i- i just fucking left when he needed me.” there was a certain amount of guilt that had come with her breakup, something that weighed heavily on her chest despite her refusal to speak about it. jimmy had called her crying for weeks after she flew home, begging for her to come back. empty promises that things would be better, that he would be better, that they could talk the band into getting back together. at some point, she’d stopped picking up, and that had only made her guilt worse until now. until she called him on a whim and heard pieces of the man she’d met all those years ago on the other end of the phone, bringing back a whole rush of feelings she hadn’t known were still there. when apollo leaves her mind flashes back to the worse moments she’d spent with her ex, times when he’d pounded shots or thrown back pills in the middle of arguments, unable to cope with the mess he’d created. she feels sick to her stomach as she starts to notice the similarities, backing away from apollo slowly until she backs herself into the table, hands gripping the edges, and tears stinging the corners of her eyes, “oh my god, i can’t fucking do this.” 

at mia’s question, all apollo could really do was blink at her for a few seconds. he had to admit that she was right, he sounded … not like himself at all. “ fine, whatever, talk to him for all i care then. go get hurt again, “ he muttered, the edge in his voice from earlier falling away. he needed to stop himself before he sounded too much like a jealous ex-boyfriend ( and he wasn’t even that which made the whole thing that much worse ). he lifted his head from his hands when she started to talk again, her words cutting through him like a knife. what did he expect, her to forgive every shitty thing he ever did? he was an idiot to think things would be that easy. he winced, squeezing his eyes shut as she continued talking. he could feel his hands shaking, but he wasn’t sure if it was from anger, withdrawal, or something else. “ you shouldn’t feel bad for me, i know that. but just know i only lied about luci. everything else was real. you have to realize that, “ he pleaded, though he didn’t dare lift his eyes to look at her as he spoke. “ i loved you, mia. and i know it’s disgusting of me to say that right now, but you can’t act like he was the only one to ever love you. “

“why are you so hellbent on me getting hurt again?” she asks, the frustration evident in her tone, “why can’t you just have a single shred of faith for me? maybe things will work out this time. maybe jimmy will stay clean. that’s all i ever wanted, for years. and now that i might be getting it, you want to stand in my way? after you chose another girl over me? fuck that.” its her turn to hide her face in her hands, fingers scrubbing over her tired eyes as he speaks. she wanted to believe him, but he’d become this person she barely recognized within hours of them arriving to the house. it was hard for her to separate her apollo, from this apollo. she decides to avoid answering whether or not she believes him, unsure of whether she does or not. “yes, loved. you loved me. past tense. he- god, you don’t know how much he loves me, apollo,” she sighs, trying to keep herself together, “i thought he didn’t. i thought it wasn’t real. but it was. and i want it back, i want to be in love again. with someone who doesn’t have to think about whether or not he wants me.” 

apollo can’t help the roll of his eyes this time. in all honesty, he shouldn’t be surprised that mia decided to go back to jimmy after everything that had happened in the past few weeks. and she was right, he hadn’t picked her. he had chosen to try to fix things with luci, but even that wasn’t going too well right now. he whirled around on his heel to face her, realizing he probably looks at distraught as he feels, his conflicting emotions towards mia in the moment trying to wrestle to surface. “ i could tell naomi. or i could just station myself by the phone every night to make sure you don’t come sneaking down here to talk to him. for once, i’m glad the producers only gave us one house phone, “ he retorted, brows raised towards the end of his statement. he watches as she gets to her feet, his arms initially crossed over his chest, but they slowly fall limp to his sides as she speaks. he stands there, a little dumbfounded and defeated – there wasn’t anything he could really come back with, everything mia had said was true, she had every right to hate him. but his brow furrowed at her last comment. “ hold up. i never lied about who i was. i know i didn’t tell you about luci, but all that time we spent together? that wasn’t an act. you really think that fucking low of me, huh? don’t think i can actually be a genuine person? i’ve owned up to my shit and i’m dealing with the consequences every day, but that’ll never be enough for you, will it? “ with a sigh, he sits down in a chair opposite of the couch and puts his head in his hands. “ fucking hell, i need a drink, “ he mumbles, but he doesn’t move to get one. stay sober, he has to remind himself.

mia stares at him in disbelief for a moment, something between a scoff and a laugh escaping her, “do you even know how gross and manipulative you sound right now?” mia was never someone who liked being told what to do, and certainly not by somebody who’d hurt her so deeply. she didn’t understand why he cared so much, other than the obvious jealousy, whether or not she rekindled her relationship with jimmy. it was her who would have to suffer the consequences if things went downhill, not anyone else. hell, she’d dealt with them on her own the first time. “i don’t want to hear about all the consequences you’re facing, apollo. i don’t feel bad for you. how am i supposed to trust that anything you say is true when you lied to me about everything? you made me feel so fucking stupid,” she runs her hands through her hair in frustration, turning away from him, her voice coming out softer than before, “i just want someone to love me. and jimmy loves me. only me. that’s enough.” 

apollo can tell that mia was getting frustrated with him, he could see it in her face. he knew her well enough to know what she was feeling when she was feeling, or at least, he used to know her that well. “ and you really think hiding out with him is gonna’ make it different this time? “ he hisses back, still trying to keep his voice quiet enough so he didn’t wake the rest of the house. “ i know you can take care of yourself and that i can’t always protect you, but i want to. and i’m sorry, but i just can’t watch you set yourself up to get hurt like that again. “ his voice had softened with his last few words, but when mia spoke again, annoyance flared up inside him. he got up from his spot on the arm of the couch, throwing his hands up in frustration. “ god, mia, i forgot, everything has to go by your rules. it doesn’t matter what anyone else wants or is going through if it’s not convenient for you. – i just wanted to be friends, you said no. you don’t get to act like you still care all of a sudden. “

“i don’t know, but i owe it to myself to give it a try,” she shoots back, her voice dropping back down to a harsh whisper, “stop being such a jealous asshole about it. you didn’t pick me.” mia was confused about all of her feelings, the ones towards both apollo and jimmy, and this conversation was only making it that much worse for her. she had feelings for the both of them, but only one seemed to want her as badly as she wanted him, the answer should have been obvious. especially since apollo was off limits. “you can’t do anything to stop me either,” she says, “what are you going to do? tell naomi on me? go ahead. she’ll get over it.” she flinches as he stands up, his sudden outburst throwing her off guard. though she recovers quickly, standing up as well. “yeah, apollo, it is by my rules, because i didn’t hurt you. you hurt me. you lied to me, for months. you led me on, for months. you dropped me with no explanation as soon as we got here and let me find out in a groupchat, in front of all my new housemates, that you had a girlfriend. and now you’re sitting here preaching to me about how you want to protect me and you’re upset i won’t be your friend? fuck you. at least jimmy never lied about who he really was.” 

“ if there’s nothing wrong with it, then why are you hiding from everyone? hiding from naomi, your best friend? “ he shot back almost immediately. but as the words came out ( especially in the tone that they did ), apollo regretted them. he felt his ego deflate and shoulders slump at mia’s comment. “ don’t do that. don’t make it seem like just because i decided to try to mend things with luci that i can’t care about you anymore. you’re still important to me and i don’t want you to get hurt again, by anyone, even me, “ he said, his words even despite the emotions that were rattling through his body. “ why does everyone think i’m trying to be a fucking martyr? because honestly, no one is using the word correctly. like at all. – yeah, well, you have a funny way of showing it. “

“because it’s none of anyone else’s business!” she says, the heat starting to rise in her cheeks again, “me and jimmy’s relationship has been broadcast to the entire world since in started. i wanted this to be just for us. to see if it works without a million eyes on us. that’s why i’m hiding it from everyone, and why we’re talking in the middle of the night. i can’t risk it getting caught on camera.” she shakes her head with a humorless laugh, “you can’t protect me from getting hurt, apollo. and i don’t need you to. i’m a big girl, i can take care of myself.” she crosses her arms, annoyance flooding into her tone again, “well, sorry, not all of us can have a fancy college degree in psychology. and just because i’m pissed at you, doesn’t mean i don’t care about you. but fuck, can’t you just give me some time?” 

it took everything in apollo not to roll his eyes at mia’s initial comment. instead, he tried his best to look as stoic as possible, hoping his attempts to mask the annoyance that had taken place of his concern were working. “ and that’s the kind of life you want to live? constantly looking after someone who can’t take care of themselves? i know i can’t tell you how to feel or whatever, but you deserve a life better than that. you deserve to have someone taking care of you, treating you like the amazing woman that you are. don’t settle for something just because it feels familiar. “ with every word he spoke, apollo felt the annoyance he had built up fade away. but at mia’s comment, he felt his jaw set and the anger slowly creeped back in. “ i have been trying to get better, actually. it’s just harder than it looks when you have all this shit going on that you don’t know how to cope with. but it’s not like you even care, so why bother trying to justify myself to you? “

“there’s nothing wrong with taking care of someone that you love when they need you,” she says, her voice firm as she tries to keep it from shaking, “and stop trying to tell me what i deserve and don’t deserve. my relationship with jimmy stopped having anything to do with you the second we stepped into this house and you chose someone else over me.” she hadn’t been ready to talk about this with anyone, her feelings still too mixed up, it’d been part of the reason she was hiding it. “can you drop the martyr act for three goddamn seconds?” she scoffs, “you know that i care about you.” 

“ maybe i don’t know anything about your relationship with him, but i do know how much pain you were in when you came back home. “ apollo’s voice was softer now, less anger and more concern taking over. he didn’t want to fight with mia, not anymore. he winced again at her words, feeling the weight of all the bad decisions he’s made in the past few months fall on his shoulder again. but he quickly shook it off, as this wasn’t about him or any bad thing he did for once. he listens to mia as she speaks, his brow furrowed all the while. he sighed when she finally finished, shaking his head as he rubbed his temples. “ just because he’s clean doesn’t mean he won’t hurt you again. take it from someone who – “ apollo cut himself off abruptly, realizing what he was just about to say. he stayed silent for a few seconds before taking a deep breath and continuing. “ take it from someone who also has a problem. and a degree in psychology. clean doesn’t always mean better. and relapse is a very common thing. i mean, just look at me. i can’t even stay sober for more than a day. one shitty thing happens and i fall off. do you seriously think jimmy won’t be like that? “

“please do not talk down to be about addiction right now, apollo,” she scoffs, “you think i don’t know? you think he hasn’t been clean before? who do you think found him spots in rehab? who do you think took care of him when he was withdrawing? i did. i know what i’m signing myself up for when it comes to him.” her mind flashes back to all the long nights spent together, her fingers running through his hair while he laid on the bathroom floor, bandaging up cuts and bruises from fights he’d picked when he was too messed up to see straight. she’d run away from all of it, straight into apollo’s arms. their time spent together had been enough to keep her mind off of jimmy, but ever since she’d found herself alone, she couldn’t help but wonder if she’d made the wrong decision. “yeah, apollo, look at you,” she says, her gaze steady on him, “maybe you should worry about helping yourself before you judge me or jimmy.” 

“ ugh, yes, i know it’s not the middle of the night there. i’ve called my sister at this time before, “ apollo quickly retorted. ever since their falling out, he knew that mia would probably never have anything kind to say to him ever again. and while that was a wound he was still kind of tending to, he couldn’t help but get annoyed with her every time they spoke. he folded his arms across his chest as he watched mia fumbled with the phone. she was right, it wasn’t any of his business, but he still cared about her, regardless of her animosity towards him right now. he winced slightly at the mention of the fact that mia and jimmy were engaged, but he quickly shook it off, hoping the blonde hadn’t noticed. “ sure, it’s not any of my business, but someone has to talk some sense into you. so no, i’m not going back to bed, we’re gonna’ sit here and talk about this whether you like it or not, “ he huffed, perching himself on the arm of the couch. “ why are you talking to him again? did he magically become a better man over night or something? – i know i don’t have any room to talk here, but did you just forget about all the shit he put you through? you’re not together anymore for a reason, m. “

“you don’t know a thing about what he put me through,” she fires back, arms folding across her chest to match his, “and you’re right, you don’t have any room to talk. you put me through plenty.” she sits back down on the couch, sighing deeply as she decides whether or not this is something she even wants to talk about with him. in a way, it’d be nice to get it off of her chest, knowing that naomi wouldn’t want to hear any of her excuses. logically, she knew that jimmy was wrong for her, that what he’d put her through was unforgivable, but she couldn’t help but fall back into it over and over again. “we’re not together anymore because he was using constantly and i was scared he was going to die. not because i didn’t love him. and now he’s clean, so...” she trails off, inhaling sharply. things feel like they did at the beginning. “so if i want to give things another shot that’s none of anyone else’s business.” 

an  influx  of  memories  suddenly  appear  in  the  forefront  of  daphne’s  mind  as  she  recalls  the  twilight  phase  in  question.  everyone  at  their  age  had  been  obsessed  with  the  cult  classic.  the  other  girls  would  debate  who  was  a  better  match  for  bella,  which  really  came  down  to  who  they  thought  was  hotter.  her  favorite  had  always  been  emmett  so  she  actively  avoided  the  heated  discussions  but  she  was  always  curious  as  to  who  mia  would  have  chosen.  “  were  you  team  edward  or  jacob  ?  ”  she  inquires,  a  playful  brow  raised  in  her  direction.  daphne  was  unaware  or  rather  too  oblivious  to  why  mia  hated  her.  for  a  long  time  she  attributed  it  to  a  sense  of  competition,  they  were  competing  against  each  other,  after  all.  but  she  never  took  the  pageants  as  serious  as  she  did,  it  was  her  mother  who  forced  her  into  it,  who  made  her  take  countless  ballet  lessons  and  smothered  her  in  makeup  from  the  moment  she  could  talk.  lorena  was  miss  colombia,  it  was  only  right  that  her  daughter  followed  in  her  footsteps,  no  matter  how  much  little  daph  pleaded  otherwise.  the  idea  of  spending  real  time  with  her  mother  was  what  kept  her  from  making  a  fuss.  this  was  the  only  thing  that  connected  them.  “  touché,  ”  she  snickers.  “  i  can’t  tell  you  how  happy  i  was  to  throw  them  away.  ”  she  admits,  leaning  her  hip  against  the  piano,  arms  crossed  over  her  chest.  “  i  don’t  have  too  many  fond  memories  from  those  days.  ”   it  was  odd,  standing  there  divulging  her  truth  with  someone  who  resented  her.  but  if  anyone  could  understand,  it  was  mia.

“edward, all the way,” mia says with a light laugh and a shake of her head, “i used to leave my window unlocked just incase. probably wasn’t the smartest idea in the cut.” mia hadn’t participated in any of the debates either, though she’d thrown around what she might say in her head constantly. she’d been painfully shy as a child, and it’d stuck with her through most of high school. it was always a shock when someone saw her on stage, a completely different girl appearing when it was time to perform. back then, mia had envied almost everything about daphne. the beautiful dress choices she had at her disposal, nothing like the thrifted dresses mia’s mother stayed up for hours fixing. the fact that mia had to compete for the promise of scholarships while daphne was just competing. the way it seemed to come so easily for the other girl, when mia felt like all she ever did was try harder. she was always pushing herself to be perfect, it was only a matter of time before she cracked. “me either,” she admits, eyes scanning over the piano keys, “if i never see a piece of pink tulle again it will be too soon.” 

a confused look crosses apollo’s face as he watches mia react almost sporadically to his approaching her. but the look of confusion is quickly replaced by one of shock when he hears the voice that comes through the phone after the blonde knocks it over. his jaw drops slightly, but his gaze doesn’t break from mia, not once. while he didn’t know jimmy personally, he had learned a lot about him and his tumultuous relationship with mia and needless to say, he wasn’t the guy’s biggest fan. whether it was partly out of a jealousy or just caring about mia in general, he could never be sure, but that wasn’t important right now. he stared at the woman sitting before him for a few seconds, just dumbfounded at the fact that she was calling jimmy, of all people, this late at night. clearly no one else in the house knew, not even naomi, otherwise mia wouldn’t be trying to hide it like this, calling in the middle of the night while everyone else in the house slept. eventually, though, apollo’s shock faded and was quickly replaced with a mixture of anger and concern. “ please tell me that wasn’t who i think it was. – why are you calling him in the middle of the night? “

“its not the middle of the night there,” she mumbles, starting to fix the tangled wires of the phone as she pulls it back onto the table. she can feel the heat rising in her cheeks, eyes refusing to meet his as she busies herself with straightening things up, adjusting the placement of the phone over and over again until she’s forced to look up. “and its none of your business, apollo,” she’s says finally, though her words don’t come out as harsh as she wants them to, “we were together for over three years, we own a house together, we have a cat, we were engaged. i don’’t need to explain to anyone, especially not you, why i’m speaking to him. so can you just go back to bed, or whatever, and let me live my fucking life?”