â maybe i donât, â he responded, his voice sounding defeated, broken. â i have ruined so many things since i started drinking and you have no idea what thatâs like, to not recognize yourself anymore, to watch yourself hurt everyone around you. â and hardly anyone in this house knows the first thing about me. shit, you probably donât know anything real about me either. â he felt more of his energy drain the more mia talked, the drink heâd left the room to take not really kicking in yet. heâd never wanted to end up like this, falling so deep into his hole with alcohol that every time he tried to pull himself out, he fell right back in. it was always one step forward, two steps back no matter how hard he tried. and being in the house didnât help, where he was constantly faced with so much of the pain that he had caused, his drunkenness being just as destructive for everyone else as it was for him. having lost himself in thought, apolloâs eyes shot up when he heard what sounded like mia knocking into something and the look on her face shakes him to the core. he feels his breath catch in his throat right away and itâs a few moments before he can finally talk again. â canât do what? â he croaks. â be around an addict anymore? then leave, go, walk away. i know thatâs what you want to do. â
âno, i donât know what itâs like,â she says quietly, her own energy beginning to run out, âbut i know what itâs like to love someone despite all of that, no matter how many times they fuck up and hurt you. and nothing you say is going to be able to make me stop.â sheâs not sure if sheâs talking about jimmy or apollo or maybe both of them, the details of their conversation turning into a jumbled mess in her head. it occurred to her that she didnât know how to help either of them, and she wasnât sure that she was meant to. jimmy hadnât gotten clean until she disappeared from his life, and apollo hadnât started trying until they stopped seeing each other. maybe she was the common denominator in all this, enabling without even realizing it. she searches her mind for something to say, but she comes up empty, not wanting to make him feel worse, but not wanting herself to feel worse at the same time. her eyes search his face, her cheeks flushed and eyes glassy, clearing her throat gently before she speaks again. âi know how hard this is for you,â she settles on, knuckles turning white as her grip on the table tightens, âor at least, i can imagine. and i want to be there for you. i donât enjoy seeing you hurting, as much as you seem to think i hate you or donât care or whatever. but you need to understand that its difficult for me, too. watching jimmy go through everything he did for the past few years... it fucked me up, apollo. permanently. iâm trying to heal from it. and iâm just not in a place where i can put yours or anyone elseâs feelings before mine. if i do, iâll be fucked up for the rest of my life.âÂ