heavy soul;

“Anxiety is always feeling like something is out of place and when you can’t find what it is…you start to think it’s you”

“Look for something positive in each day, even if some days you have to look a little harder.”

When she is happy, she can’t stop talking, when she is sad she doesn’t say a word.

How do you fall out of love in three days? When you’ve loved someone for almost two years of your life, how does it all become null and void so suddenly? You stood by me through my darkest days yet you won’t let me be there for yours. I know you said it’s just stress and focusing on your work but god, how could you fall out of love in three days. I’m so scared I’m becoming someone so unlovable since you left so quickly and seem so happy without me. Please, show that your heart feels some absence without me. It hurts so much more to feel so alone. I miss you and I wish you were missing me too.

i’m used to carrying things with me, you see. i’ve been dealing with sadness greater than me for years, and some days it almost goes away, almost, some days it’s as light as air, some days. and other days it feels like a mountain on my chest, growing with every breath i take, other days it feels heavier than the world, than all the joy and all that’s good. and see, i’ve learned to live with this, with knowing that life is both light and heavy and that some days are a breeze and others feel like an endless battle, and i know that for me life will often feel like a war and it won’t be about winning, but about surviving. i know this and the knowledge keeps me grounded, keeps me going. see, i also know that some days food will be nourishment for me, some days i will taste it and let myself feel it, feel the goodness of it. and other days, it will burn to swallow and it will feel heavy in my belly, it will feel like the enemy is attacking me from within. some days, it will be easy to eat and others it will feel like a choice between a rock and a hard place and i will know which choice to make and it will, still, feel like a mistake - doing good will feel like doing bad, staying alive will feel like a quiet death. but see, i know this, i know recovery is a process that doesn’t end just because you’re well, because as good as you get, one foot is always hanging off the ledge. i know how to live like this, i’ve learned you see, over the years. and that is why loving you will not be the end of me. that is why loving you the way i’ve never loved anyone and losing you the way i’ve only lost myself will be doable, survivable, possible. because i know you will never be gone, never forever, and the way i feel will change and fade, but never go away - and see - i am finally ok with that. i am ok with carrying you like a necklace around my neck, and some days it will feel like a noose, some days it will feel like i can’t breathe, but most days it will just feel like a reminder of a time long past, it will feel like a wind that is just a little bit too chilly, a memory a little bit too vivid, a hunger a little bit too numb and a bit of an empty smile. but see - i can handle that, i can survive you, i’ve survived worse.

Nothing’s more painful when you are brokenhearted but no one knows. It’s like you need to pretend that you are whole, that you are not bleeding, that your heart is not crying and pretend that you are smiling and laughing. You need their comfort and hug but you act like a strong one because you don’t want them to see that the strongest person they know is broken. You really want to tell them that your heart is broken but you just can’t, because you are afraid that they won’t understand you. It terrifies that they’ll get tired of listening with your same old drams and they might think you are just over reacting. So instead of telling them how you feel, you’ll just pretend and don’t mind your broken heart when you’re with them.

Everything’s not okay. Everything’s falling apart. Everything’s not the same anymore. Every inside me hurts. And to be honest i don’t know what to feel anymore. I want to be numb. I want to feel nothing. I want to be okay.