after the end of the beginning

“I finally got her to sleep.” He looks up at April entering the room. His heart is still beating at a dangerously high rate and he’s not sure if he’s been able to breathe properly in the last hours.

April on the other hand simply looks exhausted. He knows firsthand that Harriet isn’t particularly fond of thunder. Sometimes he wonders if it has something to do with the circumstances of her birth, if in some inexplicable way her subconsciousness associates storm with danger and loss.  

“So how did it go?” April wonders out loud and he is suddenly reminded that she is completely unaware of everything that has been going on inside of him. She looks at him expectingly and it throws him off. “Good- “ he clears his throat “I mean it was good. It was the right decision to go see him.”

She nods pleased and looks around the room, out the window and back at him. “It’s smarter if you don’t continue your drive. It’s supposed to get even worse. How about you stay here tonight, and you tell me some more when you’re rested. You look exhausted.” She smiles at him, so warm, so lovely. “Plus, that way you can get up when Hattie wakes in the night.” She laughs slightly at her own suggestion and has an almost mischievous glint in her eyes. She’s beautiful. When he doesn’t respond she moves on. “I mean I can only offer you the couch, but I made sure it’s comfortable when I bought it.” She smiles again as she moves the throw pillows from the couch and he just can’t take it anymore.

“I love you.” It bursts out of him and he is almost as surprised about it as she looks. She stops what she’s been doing and turns towards him, a frown appearing on her forehead. “Jackson, is everything alright? Did something happen?” She seems so worried and that’s definitely not what he was going for. This is not at all how this was supposed to go but then again, when did it ever with them.

“Everything is fine, nothing happened” he tries but telling by her face it’s not that convincing. And well, who could blame her, it is after all not the truth. “I mean of course things happened but nothing bad, April, you have to trust me on that.” His voice gets a pleading undertone.

She crosses her arms over chest averting his eyes and he can feel the hope waver in his chest.

“April, I know that it seems impulsive and out of nowhere, but it’s not sudden nor is it out of nowhere. I mean I’ve loved you ever since San Francisco, I never stopped. I wasn’t always aware of it and I tried to repress it more than I would have liked it and I’m just tired of it. I know why no relationship I start works, I know why I’m unable to love anyone and I’m sick of pretending I don’t. I love you, April. It’s you, you are the reason. Because I never stopped loving you, I never got over you and I’m tired of trying to because I don’t want to, I don’t want to stop loving you. I want you, April, you’re it for me.” He’s breathless and exhausted but for the first time in years he feels like there isn’t something weighing down on him. He can finally breathe again.

He looks at her expectantly, but she doesn’t meet his gaze. She looks anywhere but him, furiously wiping tears away under her eyes. “April,” he begs in a whisper, “please say something.”

She takes a deep breath and then straightens herself. He knows immediately what she’s doing, has seen it too many times for his liking. She is preparing herself for a fight.

“Jackson, I know that all of this is confusing for you, it is for me too. And I know that the fact that Matthew and I broke up makes it look like things have changed but they haven’t-”

“April no!” He interrupts her, he has to, or she will say things that neither of them wants.

“It’s not about Matthew. This is only about us. About how neither of us can ever really let go of the other. April, I love you, I’m in love with you. I still am and will always be and I’m willing to fight until you believe me.”

She is openly crying by now and he is too. He looks at her desperately, he needs her to believe him.

“You hurt me.” At first, she is so quiet he almost doesn’t hear with the storm raging on outside but then her voice gets stronger, surer. “You hurt me so much, more than anyone else. And I’m not saying that I’m without blame here, I know I hurt you. But I can’t do this again, I can’t let you have this power over me. Ever since we got divorced I- So much of what we did, so much of what you said hurt me. And I’m not saying that you did it on purpose, I know you didn’t mean to, but it felt like at a lot of times you didn’t even care. You said things about me and to me that were hurtful and quite frankly disrespectful a lot of times. But you didn’t notice what that did to me or you did but didn’t care and I don’t know which is worse. I thought that that meant that you had truly moved on and I couldn’t even be mad because it was my fault. And you were there for Harriet, you are such an amazing dad, and you were there for me sometimes and I thought that that is just the way how things are now. And I put myself back together, because you broke me … but I did, and I am so proud of myself for it. And I can simply not let you in again because I am sure that I cannot do that again.”

He feels like he got hit by a truck, like someone punched him in his gut and knocked all the air out of his lungs. She is sobbing and it breaks his heart. She almost doubles over from the sobs and he can’t just stand there and watch, so he doesn’t. He closes the space between them and wraps her up in his arms. She barely offers resistance and then clings to his shirt. He feels her heart racing against his chest. He feels sick.

“I love you Jackson, so much, but I am just not strong enough to do this again,” she whispers against his body and he takes a step back to get a look at her face. He doesn’t let go of her.

“You are so much stronger than anyone I know, April,” he says, and he needs her to understand that he means it. “And I feel horrible, I was horrible. I was wrapped in my hurt and everything else and I think that deep down I knew that if I didn’t hold on to this grudge, that I wouldn’t be able to keep away from you, to do anything but love you with everything I am. And I know that that doesn’t excuse anything, but you have to believe me when I say I’m sorry. There is no bigger regret in my life than letting you go.  I will regret that as long as I live. But please, let me prove to you that I can change, that I can do better, be better, be the man that you deserve.”

She lets out a heavy breath, squeezes his hands and looks directly at him. “You are a wonderful man, Jackson. Please don’t ever think that I think of you as anything other than that. But maybe we just don’t work. Maybe we aren’t good for each other and we just have to accept that.” She sounds broken and he hates everything about this.

“You can’t believe that April. We are wonderful, broken but wonderful. We are meant to be together.” She smiles slightly and he can’t help but join her. “I thought you didn’t believe in that stuff.”

“Well, seems like I’ve changed. And if you don’t have it in you right now, I can believe for the two of us for a while.” She laughs at that and he does too because he is very well aware of the irony. Oh, how things have changed.

“You seem awfully sure of yourself.” Her nose crinkles as she says that, and he can’t believe how long he was able to go without this, without her.

“I am. And I am very much committed to proving to you that I’m right. For the rest of our lives if I have to.”

“That seems like a terribly long time.”

“Can’t be long enough.” And she smiles at him and squeezes his hands and he finally feels better.