Call Me Deadpool, Dipshit

Rupi Kaur (born 5 October 1992) is a Canadian poet, writer, illustrator and performer. She published a book of poetry and prose entitled milk and honeyin 2015. The book deals with themes of violence, abuse, love, loss, and femininity. milk and honey has sold over a million copies, reaching #1 and spending over a year on the New York Times bestsellers list. (source)

There is another Milk & Honey sentence meme going around in the rpc, but I decided to break out my copy and give it a shot. This will be split up into three or four (or more?) parts just like the book.

Feel free to rephrase and change pronouns/words to fit your muse/the situation. 

The Loving

The closest thing to God on this earth is a woman’s body.

The entire universe rested at my mother’s feet.

No, it won’t be love at first sight when we meet. It’ll be love at first remembrance.

Every revolution starts and ends with your lips. 

What am I to you?

You are every hope I’ve ever had in human form. 

My favorite thing about you is your smell. 

I know I should crumble for better reasons. 

But have you seen the boy? He brings the sun to its knees every night. 

You are the faint line between faith and blindly waiting. 

Nothing is safer than the sound of you reading out loud to me. 

I am learning how to love him by loving myself. 

I am sorry I am not an easy person to want. 

Who said I wanted easy? I don’t crave easy. I crave goddamn difficult. 

I am ready for you. I have always been ready for you. 

I do not want to have you to fill the empty parts of me. 

I want to be full on my own. I want to be so complete I could light a whole city and then I want to have you. 

The truth is you make my tongue so weak it forgets what language to speak in. 

What drives you crazy? What keeps you up at night? 

So that’s what you do. You command attention. 

You might not have been my first love, but you were the love that made all the other loves irrelevant. 

You’ve touched me without even touching me. 

How do you turn a forest fire like me so soft I turn into running water? 

You look like you smell of honey and no pain. 

Let me have a taste of that. 

You look like you smell of honey and no pain. Let me have a taste of that.

You talk too much. 

I can think of better ways to use that mouth. 

You talk too much. I can think of better ways to use that mouth.

It’s your voice that undresses me. 

On days like this I need you to run your fingers through my hair and speak softly. 

I want your hands to hold—not my hands. Your kiss to kiss—not my lips. But other places. 

I need someone who knows how to struggle as well as I do. Someone willing to hold my feet in their lap on days it is too difficult to stand. 

Make those pretty little fingers dance for me. 

We’re like fingers on thorns, honey. We know exactly where it hurts. 

So I called work and they said you’d already left a couple of hours ago. Where were you for those couple hours? 

I know. I know your excuses make all the sense in the world. 

I love you so much. I’m sorry I thought you were lying. 

         ❝ —— Welcome back. ❞ Well — at least he’s made himself right at home. His attention is back on the magazine soon enough.

“Did you even eat dinner, or did you go straight to the bon bons, Sheila?” He tsks, shaking his head. Last he checked, Wade didn’t have anything worth stealing, since he kept his shiny little arsenal at Weasel’s place. 

We can sympathize with a pencil, we can forgive a shark, and we can give Ben Affleck an Academy Award for screenwriting. 

It’s clear to all of you that I am awesome, but I can never admit that because that would make me an ass.

It’s the two week anniversary of my horrible first impression.

I figured we were more like Chandler and Phoebe; they never really had stories together. …Sure, I’ll do a Chandler.

The only difference between Señor Chang and Stalin is that I know who Señor Chang is.

Oh, shut your pompous vortex of overlapping fangs!

Watching. Lurking. Running. Jumping. Hurtling. Sleeping. No, I can’t sleep. You sleep. I’m awake. I don’t sleep. I don’t blink. Am I bird? No. I’m a bat. I am Batman. Or am I? Yes, I am Batman.

Candy corn looks like tiny traffic cones.

Like a little gingerbread man at the wheel. And he’s drunk!

It’s cool to know other people think about this stuff, too.

You can do whatever you want, you just have to know what that is. For me, it’s Lucky Charms and TV.

I’m going to assume that’s sarcasm.

I’m barely listening now.

It’s called a stress headache. I got my first one when I was four.

Psh, yeah, you look like you would have to. I’m not surprised you said that.

Some mysteries solve themselves, don’t they?

No no, its fine, it’s fine. It’s just little a nose bleed. I get ‘em when it’s dry and when my face gets kicked.

You keep a list of everyone based on how good-looking they are?

But, remember, Cupid’s face is magic marker on nylon, so love is not only blind but also dizzy and a little belligerent.

Yep. Meryl Streep has two Oscars because of her baking. Ah, that’s sarcasm, but I forgot to inflect. This sounds way more like sarcasm. Inflection is so interesting.

So you’re familiar with two sins… how about a third?

The truth is lots of girls like me because, let’s face it, I’m pretty adorable, and, uh, my aloofness unconsciously reminds them of their fathers, so… I’m more used to them approaching me.

I’ve got self-esteem falling out of my butt. That’s why I was willing to change for you guys. When you really know who you are and what you like about yourself, changing for other people isn’t such a big deal.

Disappointing you is like choking the little mermaid with a bike chain.

Anyone can be a lawyer. You can even represent yourself. You can’t do surgery on yourself. It’s illegal. You’d get arrested, and then you’d get a free lawyer.

If it was cool to eat God, he’d be a chicken finger. 

Well, excuse me for trying to sneak you into heaven!

You want my advice, pork her and move on. It’s what we did back in my day.

Now she is going to make the Disney face. Her lip is going to quiver and her eyes will flutter but they won’t ever actually close but do not feel sorry for her!

Who cares if you’re sorry? We’re still screwed! Be sorry about this stuff before you do it, then DON’T DO IT!