So Iām sitting here at 4:14am high af... my birthday was yesterday...things donāt feel real half the time to me anymore, guess thatās just another clue about my mental health lately...Sometimes I feel super strong and happy and like I can do anything if I really want to and I make all these goals and plans but then when that feeling wears off Iām back to being a nothing, a nobody, a waste of space, etc I think about suicide a lot...not as much as when I was a teenager but itās still there in the back of my mind I donāt think Iād ever do it...because even though Iām depressed as fuck and my life doesnāt really ever feel real or it feels like Iām still a teenager wondering how I got into the wrong parallel universe...but I think what always bring me back to reality is my son... he is the ray of light be it sunlight or moonlight I need him,Ā he helps me see clear, he brings me hope and god, he loves me so much. That little boy loves giving me love, kisses, and hugs and I know I am so blessed to be his mother.Ā I just wish I was better for him not saying Iām a terrible mom, I just wish my mental health didnāt hold me back in things.
I donāt know why I even decided to go back on here...I was just sitting in front of my computer (my first ever desktop I got for myself with my own money thatās always a nice feeling..) and decided to google my screenname and this popped up and well here I am...
It sorta feels nice putting my feelings out there without really thinking just letting whatever Iām currently thinking out on the keyboards. I havenāt really done that in a long time, talk about my feelings. I know Iām trying to get better with my mental health when I decided to start telling people when they upsetĀ me or made me angry...but it never turns out the way I want to, I always end up fighting with them when Iām honestly trying to better myself by not letting my feeling build up inside of me while Iām pretending everything is okay but inside my hatred or hurt is growing until something so meaningless happens and I blow up at them... But it always feels like they read what I say but donāt READ what I say...So I think Iāve given up on doing that for awhile...but I also know I donāt want to handle things the way I use to... growth I guess...
My birthday was nice but I felt so lonely even though I was surrounded by love from my family...I often dissociate itās been getting a lot worse. I donāt know if itās because my PTSD is bad...My sonās father messaged me awhile ago and just seeing his face on the screen of my phone had me shaking.I just remembered all the shit I went through and all the abuse and I was shaking...He wants to be in my sonās life again... I told him that my son knows what happened between us and he said I was planting seeds of hate in my son... Iām sorry but my son deserves to know why he doesnāt have aĀ ādadā around....the conversation ended up just making me so angry and shaky, it made me real my PTSD is still there and itās still real and it makes me so sad because it makes me feel weak it makes me feel like I was never really over it all that time thinking I was okay and I was a stronger person because of it...ugh... I donāt know what to do... But I do know my son knows of my abuse but he also knows that if he ever wants to meet his father he can always just tell me and I wouldnāt stop it, thatās my sonās choice. He told me he isnāt ready to meet his dad. He told me it does kinda make him sad that he doesnāt have a daddy around. That broke my heart...But I assured him that just because his father isnāt around that doesnāt mean he is loved any less that he is so loved. I also told he that he isnāt the only kid to have only a mommy around...I told him that there are kids who only have their mom, that there are kids who only have their father and that there are even kids out there who only have their grandparents...I seemed to make him feel a lot better to know that he wasnāt there only one...it made me sad though that he felt alone in that. I just want that boy to be happy and healthy. I love him so much.
Iām sorry that Iām rambling so much, I honestly doubt anyone will read this but it is making me feel a bit better. I feel so alone lately. People are too busy for me. Which I get we are all adults now and life happens just loneliness also happens and I always feel like a little child when I go to remind my friends that Iām still here and that I matter. It gets lonely being a single mom and not having people to talk to and then anxiety doesnāt help me make any new friends even if I would like to...I just feel like a complete loser most of the time...that Iām boring and dull, etc and I hate that I feel that way about myself...I know IāmĀ not giving myself any fucking credit even though I KNOW I deserve it... I remember I had a best friend I made in the mental ward when I got locked up when I was a teenager for telling the guidance counselor of my school that I was depressed and that even though I wasnāt suicidal at the time, that I had thought of suicide plenty of times and that I use to cut myself..well back to my story...I remember him finding me on Facebook a few years later and he told me how he thought of me a lot and how I inspire him to be better with his anxiety because I always have theĀ āfuck you Iāll do whatever I want attitudeā and how cool he thought i was because of it...I try to look back at that girl I use to be and I canāt even find her...where the fuck did I lose her? when the fuck did I lose her? I miss her, I was happy even though I was sad...lol I guess itās the same right now Iām happy but sad at the same time but itās a lot better right now...but I also feel like itās a lot worse because now Iām super dissociative like some aspects of it got worse while the urge to actually harm myself is pretty non-existing...Wow I started this post at like 4:14am I said well now itās 4:41 I canāt believe I spent so long typing I guess I really did need it,,, Well I feel myself checking out of my reality right now so I better go to bed. I think Iāll start blogging more again...Maybe it will actually start helping me to feel like Iām talking to someone and they actually give a damn.
Peace, Love, and bulletproof marshmallows,
PS- Sorry my grammar is terrible and that I type a lot of run on sentences, my brain is a mess and screams at me.
