The 1992 concert version of the How America Got Its Name monologue, transcribed here.
Columbus… Columbus didn't used to be a sailor. No, he was first and foremost director of medicine at a prestig– prestigi… institute for doctors in Eldoro. And that's the truth– that's the truth, too, but, you see, nobody ever talks about his medical career anymore. Uh, y'know, he was embarrassed out of his job, harassed, made to be the butt of the joke at medical conventions. Now this is what happened: one day – alright, now this is the truth! – one day, outside Poma del Fuego he picked up a social disease from a young man with red hair and broad shoulders like his mother. And– and this is the truth! And by the time Columbus got to the Verona Baths, no-one could fail to notice the incredible diminution of intelligence on Columbus’ part. And he was half insane by the time they strapped him to a ship and sent him out to sea.
[MARVIN and THE LADIES sing the word America repeatedly, in some fragmentic, angelic way. It's all very beautiful and very silly and MARVIN is the loudest, singing a slightly different melody. THE LADIES continue to gently harmonize for the next paragraph. MARVIN speaks, with much more confidence.]
And with him on board were other socially-diseased persons, and from the few clippings extant, it appears they had a ball for the whole trip and screwed like bunnies y'know, never worrying if finally they'd contract the dreaded disease because they all had it, you see – so they debauched the whole night, and they awoke refreshed. And, and this went on for, uh, y'know, thirty four days.
[MARVIN and THE LADIES begin to sing again, the same tune from before. MARVIN, while THE LADIES harmonise, sings.]
Where the grass is growing,
Where… the sun is shining,
"I'm going to discover Cincinnati!" Columbus cried. "Why Cincinnati?" they asked him. "For my aunt Cynthia and uncle Nathan," he said, "who died four years earlier in a plague which my institute never quite found the cure for.”
“This is what the Jews do," he added, "name countries for the dead."
[THE LADIES sing, overlapping oneanother. MARVIN does not join.]
Who would wanna live in Cincinnati?
Who would wanna live in Cincinnati?
[MARVIN, spoken, as THE LADIES harmonize.]
Now, halfway out to sea on the, uh, 35th day, Columbus began to feel a lot better. He stopped moaning in the middle of lovemaking. He began to say "Well how about that, young man?" Or, or sometimes boasting; "Tell me you didn't like that, huh?" Well, everyone was glad to see Columbus becoming his old self again, but everyone was also saying what a prick Columbus was! …In his diary, he wrote: “Whatever it is I discover, it'd better not give me any lip”.
[THE LADIES and MARVIN sing.]
Do they let you sing in America?
Do they let you laugh in America?
Do they let you write in America?
Do they let you fight in America?
[THE LADIES sing over one another. MARVIN sings the same.]
Do they let you sing in America?
Do they let you laugh in America?
Do they let you write in America?
Do they let you fight in America?
Fifty miles off Martha's Vineyard, it became clear that everyone was cured, their brains restored, bodies once again sound; and everyone had a good laugh about it. You know, maybe, uh, ha, whistles with relief, maybe give a few pecks on the cheek, here and there, but there was no heavy petting, you can be sure of that. [MARVIN does an imitation of some masculine voice.] "Hey! Just keep your hands, uh, off me, fella!" [He returns to his usual speech, completely serious.] – You heard that pretty often on deck. And then later on you heard: "Just keep your hands off me!" Well, Lord knows they spent many lonely evenings, clippings extant say, because each man feared acquiring the dread disease which had brought him there in the first place.
In his diary, Columbus posed the question: “How many passionate persons can fit comfortably on the head of a pin?' And he pondered that question. He sat there with his chin resting neatly on the palm of his hand, and he replied: "Question; how many passionate persons can fit comfortably on the head of a pin? Answer; …merely one. Or… [MARVIN's voice softens.] I don't know”.
[MARVIN and THE LADIES all sing in harmony.
It is all play in the way of love
Sailor, who can guess what we're thinking of?
We sail across the sea to find
[MARVIN sings above the rest. THE LADIES harmonise.]
It is all play in the way of love
Sailor, who can guess what we're thinking of?
We sail across the sea to find–
[I am not sure what they are actually saying here, so this is just what it sounds like, to me. Don't come for me if it's wrong. Come for the audio quality.]
So there they were on board, looking out to see this new land Columbus was going to discover. And soon the blue horizon disappeared to be replaced by a magnificent array of greens: [THE LADIES begin to harmonise.] Fir green evergreen lime green dark green light green… The entire palette of greens stood maybe only a day’s float ahead of them.
No one moved. No one was allowed to move.
When they were maybe 50 yards or 75 yards away, Columbus could not withstand his enthusiasm any longer. “My land is so beautiful!” Columbus cried. “So beautiful," they agreed in unison, like a chorus, like a… a barbershop quartet multiplied by fifteen. "So very, very beautiful!” There were tears in Columbus’ eyes. “Men,” he– [Growing increasingly more excited] he turned to them, he looked at every one of them straight in the face, he was very moved by this discovery, "Men, no longer do I call this land Cincinnati; rather, this fine green beautiful land which I have discovered today – I name America! After Amerigo Vespucci. A young man I met in Poma del Fuego with red hair and broad shoulders like his mother.”
[THE LADIES join. ALL sing.]
[The same melody from the beginning starts to play. It ends abruptly. MARVIN speaks.]
The thing about explorers is… they discover things that are already there. Columbus closed his diary and went ashore.
