Inside the crystal

I always knew that you are all alone in this world and you are responsible only for yourself and your actions, but I never thought that it can be so hard to accept it.

I always felt like an outsider in my family. I always felt that I'm different and I knew that I'm not trying to be different, I just am.

When I became an adult I found like-minded people, they felt more close to me than my family and I was so happy that there are people like me out there and I can finally have real honest connections with them, but life moved on and people moved on and I was left all alone again.

33 years counting, but I feel like there is nobody around me who gets me. Some of my friends stayed abroad, some of them moved on to a different country, some of them have changed too much, some of they haven't changed at all... and here I am, a person who have nobody to talk to.

Of course, I have changed, too, I became more mature and more careful of whom to let in, but I'm still curious and free-spirited. I still want to explore the world, surrender to nature and go with a flow. I still trust my energy and trust Universe and I still believe in God and my own inner voice. I still have trust that everything has meaning and everything is exactly how it has to be. I still trust the process but have reached the point in my life where I stand all by myself. There is nobody I can talk to like I did before. There is nobody I can truly open up to. Not a single soul.

It hurts and it feels a bit scary, but I feel it's just a phase I have to go through. It's one of the hardest challenges Universe is giving me. It's the time to stay faithful to myself and to learn about myself more. It's the time to learn to keep faith.

It hurts a lot and it's sometimes so scary, because in the end of a day I see how alone I am and even though I have a boyfriend by my side, he is not the one and knowing this makes me sad. He is a great friend, but he is not from my "tribe". He is just a human being who needed someone by his side, just like me, when we both were feeling lonely.

I believe we both know this and both are scared about our future, we both have a feeling it's gonna end one day and we probably know it's going to happen soon, but we are still keeping each others hand and trying our best to survive this world together.

He is my friend, he is one of my best friends when it comes to this physical world. We also know each other well but we are never on the same page because we are too different. We accept each other and we respect each other but we hate each other, too because we want something else. Something more like we are.

It is time to let go and to surrender to loneliness. It is time to surrender to Universe and trust that there is bigger plan for both for us, when we finally learn the lessen of letting go and being alone.

We have collected great memories together and we have been a good support system to each other, but it's just a stop before another destination and we have to accept it. I have accepted it long ago and I'm almost there of letting his hand go.

I'm already grieving, because I have seen the future. I guess it takes a bit longer for him to accept it and that's fine. But I will have to do it first. I know that I will have to be the one who makes that first move, because I have already learned the lesson. I have learned to accept to be all alone. I'm ready to be all alone. I'm ready to let go.

I’m weak,

And I’m fucked up in my head.

That’s what you all have said.

I’m lazy and unmotivated fuck,

I’m thinking about doing drugs.

I’m done with people telling shit,

All I’m thinking about is how to quit.

All I want to do is to stop this madness in my head,

But how? I even don’t have any left true friends.

But somehow, I still care about what they think.

I hate you much you fucking pigs.

I hate these demons and madness they bring.

Is this a curse? Or is this a disease?

I just don’t know what else to think.

This Earthy life has its falls and its bliss,

I’m on its swings, it’s ups and downs.

But I’m scared I can fall out.

I’m holding on to them as much as I can,

But the swings are too strong for me,

I'm tired of communicating myself to people who are not willing to work on their communication. Why should I do my best and work hard with people who are not willing to work on themselves? I find it unfair and pointless. I'm tired of these countless times I have to repeat myself or explain again and again with no result. Sorry, but I'm out.

The hardest part of it all is when it's your family member. You have to accept a fact that in order to have at least some sort of a good relationship you will have to speak their language and it's brutal. I hate it so much that I have to pretend or lie or just not to be myself for the sake of having a bond with a person I love but truly cannot find a common language with.

Relationships suck a dick, truly.

Why don't they want to heal?...

Is it too hard for them, are they too scared or are they simply too weak to handle the truth?

Why do they all run away from healing?

Why do they want to suffer?

Why do they want to keep hurting?

Why do we want them to heal so much?

Why do we want to go through their pain so we could set them free?

Why do they punish themselves and us?

Why can't they forgive themselves and let go?

Is it because they still love somebody else but not us and not themselves?

Why do we have to suffer for their mistakes made in the past?

Why do we take it all?

Why do we always want to save them?

Why do we let ourselves suffer their pain and drown instead of them?

Because we love them and we can easily forgive.

But why do they keep hating themselves?

I am so sorry.

I feel so sorry for their pain.

But I have no more strength to keep carrying their rocks.

I have to let go.

I have to let them go so they can heal themselves on their own.

I have to stop suffering because I simply care about myself.

Did they even care about me at all?

Did they see my suffering I did for them to heal their heart?

is such a beautiful feeling. Isn’t it?

Some say it is harmful, some say it frees you from pain.

Hate is considered an opposite to love. But did you know that love and hate affects the same region of the brain?

That’s why there is a thin line between these two emotions, most of the time they go hand in hand.

Hate goes together with criticism and judgement, constructive and logical approach. “He did this because this and that. He will act like this again, because he did this and that.”

Unfortunately love is more creative than logical. “I love him without a reason.” There are no conditions for love, it just happens. If you can point out why you love a person, it’s conditional love.

Is conditional love bad?

I don’t think so.

Loving conditionally means protecting yourself from pain. Yes, it’s manipulative and structured, but it’s just a defense mechanism.

Are all defence mechanisms harmful? 

Not at all. 

Some defence mechanisms are crucial to our sanity and sometimes they are needed to go safely through one or another phase in your life.

Unconditional love is all we strive for, but loving someone unconditionally will always bring you pain. Unless you learn how to accept things easily for what they are and not trying to control what happens to you.

If you learn to easily accept everything and everyone as it is, you free yourself from these chains of ego that wants to control the surroundings.

Know, that all you can control is your own perception and your own behaviour.

So change your thoughts and your actions towards things you can’t change and start seeing your life shifting and blooming like a beautiful spring flower.

I like to imagine I see you on a distance, I see your eyes, or how you take a bath, I see you playing video games or crying all alone in sadness. It gives me a sense of still being loved by you.

Do you still love me?

Then I remember many hurtful things and it makes me sad, but as soon as I get sad I do my best to see only love. Only the good we had.

I love you, still, but I have to stop loving you because it hurts me. Knowing you are happy with someone else makes me happy and sad at the same time. I want you to be happy, to experience true love again, but at the same time I wish I was that person.

I still didn’t make peace with how we broke up and how I ended things. I still can’t accept the fact you are gone from my life forever. Am I punishing myself or I really do believe we could have saved it?

My black and white thinking ruins my life every time I fall in love with someone. And I loved you so deeply, I have to swim out of it somehow now.

Should I?

Should I really let you go? Should I clear my heart from your energy still lingering there?

Probably.

But the fear of losing you forever is enormous.

The memories, videos and photos is all I have left of you. And you have probably moved on long time ago, but I’m still waiting. Waiting for our embrace. Waiting for you to call me. Waiting to look into your eyes.

There are days when I move on. There are days when I don’t have a single thought about you. But that’s too rare and I don’t know if I will ever forget you.

I wish I could forget you. Living without love is much easier than living with the love you have lost.

And I am sick of losing love.

I am done losing people I love.

I am done suffering and hurting.

So I have blocked myself from loving.

I hate being in love because it is too painful.

I have become cold-hearted, sarcastic and spiteful. 

I am so tired of going through the same cleansing and healing every time I break up or leave someone I love.

So I decided to be with someone I hate, because losing him won’t hurt me.

I wish I could open my heart to love once again, but I don’t know if I could.

I am to scared to burn again. 

Like you always did.

I gave myself to you. I gave you my soul, my heart and my body.

And then I became pregnant and yougot mad at me. I felt then like you just hated me.

Have you ever loved me at all?

I doubt it.

I believe you hated me since the moment you met me.

You left me alone at the hardest moment of my life and it says a lot about you.

So go fuck yourself, there's no happy birthday for you this time.

I fucking hate you and you deserved all the pain I caused you afterwards.

Burn in hell fucker.

Feels so good to be back in total stillness.

It consumed me whole but I'm still breathing.

I could have let it all go to surrender to this neverending nothingness. But I can't.

I hate the fact I can't let go. Why can't I leave my body anymore? I got used to it. I got to love it.

I love my body. It helps me to move on. My body is precious. It is my home I have to take care of if I want my mind to heal, too.

I want to die, but at the same time I can't do it. Not just because I value this physical world, but because I'm scared to lose it all. And I hate a thought people would start blaming themselves.

It's not your fault.

Please, forgive yourself, because I love you and I forgive you for everything.

It's not your fault and it's not my fault, too.

We grow and we learn about ourselves and we couldn't have done anything in any other way. Because we didn't know things we know now. Because it had to be that way to get this knowledge we have now.

Release. Let go. Move on.

It's fine.

You are human, you make mistakes.

We all make mistakes.

Linger in that darkness for as long as you need. I know this feeling well. It's soothing.

Cry, get drunk, fuck with ones you wanna fuck, it's all a part of a healing process. Just breathe.

Because if one day you lose your breath, my heart would die with yours, too.

I love you the way you are. Even if you still hurt yourself. I still love you. But I want yoo to know that you deserve healing.

You deserve love and kindness and all the best feelings.

It's not our fault we fucked up, but we deserve better, so we have to at least try to get better.

But you were dead.

I was kneeling at your grave sobbing and grieving.

Crying and shouting.

But you were gone.

Your family stood there in silence and did not say a word.

They just hated me for hurting you but they didn't care anymore.

I cried and felt heartbroken, vut your grave was peaceful and still.

Like you were really gone forever...

And then there was a bird that hit our window today.

I wake up from the dream and getting mad of feeling this love for you.

Why do I love you like this?

Why does it hurt like hell?

I fucking hate this.

But only you can give me this kind of love.

This kind of shivers and this kind of heartbeat.

This kind of embrace.

This understanding.

This pure feeling of wholesomeness.

Unity.

This passion.

These tears from happiness.

This purity.

Your soul is the purest I have ever encountered.

You are vibrant like a rainbow.

You are the sunray.

The light.

The shining star.

I love you.

I meet you in my dreams.

I feel you there completely.

You felt so free.

Like true Heaven.

The highest form of love.

I saw you like I always wanted you to see.

So carefree and happy.

So understanding and forgiving.

Your love is royal.

Love?

Through so many experiences and relationships I had, I have learned one thing.

Nobody fucking knows what love is.

Some say, love never dies. But does it really?

Some say that true love is unconditional love and you still can love a person when she/he is a total jerk.

People say that you truly forgive the ones you love. But does that love lasts after you do?

On one hand, love is somehow connected to giving, more than receiving. At least in my perception, when you truly love someone, you give yourself to that person. But can you truly keep loving them and giving them your energy even when you have left them because they were toxic for you?

I don’t know.

Sometimes it feels like there is still some sort of a peaceful feeling inside my heart to people whom I deeply loved but who have hurt me.

It’s like a tiny gemstone glowing in my soul.

So probably love is merely spiritual as it does not stay in heart, but it moves up into the soul and looks like soul keeps it.

Soul is completely neutral.

Heart can hate. Heart can love and give. But when you heal your love goes to the soul so it has no attachment.

You disconnect with these people on a heart level, but you still feel something in the air. In the void. In that stillness around you.

So does love is really about the heart?

I think not.

I believe love is all about your spirit. It’s about the spark. It’s about that light you hold in your eternal being.

It’s here, feels like in your heart, but it’s really just all over you.

I love some people I even don’t really know well. I just feel this connection on a soul level. 

It feels like these souls are forming me. It feels like these souls fill me with their light to nourish mine. They expand the light within.

They bloom together, like shining stars.

I love this feeling because it’s the only one feeling of true serenity.

I will call it love.

I really want to call this love.

Not the emotions we experience during sex or physical touch.

Not the feeling you get when your eyes collide.

But it’s that inner knowing, inner peace you feel.

This is true love for me and this is love I seek.

I love you.

Even when we don’t talk or see each other. I feel your spirit and that’s what calms me down. 

It also makes me little sad.

Cause I would totally love to kiss you. To embrace and smell you.

But it makes me sad I don’t know if I am ready.

It’s scary.

It’s so scary to go through these painful brake ups, I have no more energy for.

I truly want to connect on all levels, but I am scared of pain.

But maybe I should be not?

Maybe it’s really worth giving it a chance.

I don’t know.

I think I’m not ready yet, but with time it will happen.

Later or sooner I will love you whole.

I feel it in my being.

I was wondering,

if I really want to heal and move on, should I be responding to the stimuli or better not? Should I numb my emotions and keep reminding myself to go on or better face the truth?

Letting go is accepting your feelings and processing them, going through them in a healthy matter. But what does that really mean?

It simply means allowing yourself to feel whatever you feel and when you're done -you're done. Just going forward with whatever is happening.

You can't control your true response. It is coming quicker than your thoughts.

When you burn your hand you first move it away and only afterwards you start thinking what do do about it.

When you feel that heart racing due to fear or excitement or both together, you have many options and many ways of dealing with it.

You can start crying, releasing the hormones to soften the pain. You can run for a cream to soothe the burn or ask a friend for help. You can scream and shout and get mad and curse loudly so maybe it helps to release the unexpected pain. You can also numb yourself and disconnect, telling your mind it's nothing.

But it doesn't change the fact your finger still hurts.

The worst thing you can do is to break your bone on purpose so you don't feel that burnt hand in the first place.

But let's talk about the ignorance for now.

Ignorance means you detach yourself from the reality. You may say, well, I create the reality, so if I imagine it doesn't bother me, it really won't.

The truth is that you are probably just fooling yourself, because it seems more comfortable. And easier.

But easier is never better.

Letting go means healing the pain. Healing the pain means going through it. All the methods of healing are fine. Whatever you choose is okay except hurting yourself more or ignoring it completely.

When emotions are coming up, releasing them means you are getting rid of them. If you block them, they stay with you and you just keep going with that baggage. One day it will rip apart.

I see you. I aknowledge my feelings and emotions. I go through them. I cry, smile then I tell myself I'm done and I keep moving. If the memory of you comes back again I say hi. I cry or I smile or I get mad. I scream or I sing or I go for a walk. But I think about it. I allow my mind to go through things it want to go, I talk about it or write about it and after a while I say: enough.

It's really enough.

Feel the borders. Disconnect yourself when you feel emptied. That's the sign you are healing but come back to your daily life and keep going.

You can't heal your burnt hand for ages. When it's healed - enjoy your life, because one day something else will hurt you and there is no time for dwelling on that scars.

There is a new page opening in my life.

I will start from the beginning.

I will try once more and as any times as it is needed.

To get closer to myself and get to know myself better.

I am grateful for all lessons I had.

I am forgiving myself and everyone else for everything.

I send love and peace around the world and universe.

I surrender to Light.

Cause I am light.

I am infinite love and peace.

I am sorry for hurting you.

I am sorry for hurting myself and everybody else.

I am so sorry for everything I have done.

But I have to start over again.

I have to keep moving and I have to stand up.

I will learn these lessons, I will become better towards myself and others and I will do my best.

I always do my best.

And I just have to understand that I am okay.

That everything is just fine.

That I am good enough and all what’s happening has it’s purpose.

Everything has a meaning and maybe we don’t see it yet, but there is always a reason.

I keep hope and love in my heart, cause it has to be here.

I love you.

Thank you.

I am sorry.

Please forgive me for everything.