memories with me

Hi there! I am not sure if I'm doing this right but Maria says writing things down might help. So I suppose this is me, starting.

My name is Samuel and I am a war veteran who is living the end of his lifetime. I have had a very beautiful life, filled with love, death and everything in between. I have witnessed the worst of human existence, but I have also felt the best of what humanity has to offer us; and that's love. So this account I want to dedicate to my most beautiful moments.

Moments repeat and relapse, and Déjà vu makes life feel even more disjointed. I do remember that there was a time when everything felt loud, and I thought if I could just get through it, things would settle. And they did, in their own way. Music helped with that. Still does. There’s something about a song, the way it holds a moment in place, lets you return to it, even when everything else has moved on.

Maria says I forget things now. Not all at once. Just small things. Names, mostly. Where I’ve left things. What I was about to say. But I remember her. I always remember her.

So I think that’s what this will be. A place to write things down before they go. Not everything, just the parts that feel like they belong to something. To me. To her.

Hi, I found a box of records today. They are mine but I don't remember putting them there. All that I guess showed it was mine was my name. My name is Sam.

But I remember the song. The one where,

The one where we did something special. I know you remember Maria.

It’s just not coming out properly. If I can just play the song I could tell you.

The record skipped. I tried to fix it but my hands wouldn’t? they were fine. They’re fine. I don't get it. I just cleaned the house and there is dust on everything, Oh Maria you know how I miss spots.

There was a man here earlier. No, that’s not right. Well I know someone was here talking about tea. I must know him. A friend from Nam maybe? You know how I mixed up names.

I played the record again today or yesterday. It’s the same one. I think, well it sounds right.

There was something I meant to write down when it was playing. Something important. It was there, just for a second.

I thought if I waited, it would come back.

It didn’t.

But I remember the feeling of it.

The most beautiful sound I ever heard: Maria, Maria, Maria, Maria.

I miss you my sweet sweet love.

Dear Maria,

I know you will never see this, but I must confess:

I never knew what life would feel like without you. My life and my memories now begin with you. They say time helps with these things. I’m not sure what that means anymore. Time doesn’t feel like it moves forward. It just… circles. Lands me back in the same places.

You in the kitchen. You by the window. You laughing at something I’ve already forgotten.

I put a record on this morning. The one we used to play when the house was finally still. It crackled the same way. Skipped in the same place. I stood there for a while, waiting for you to tell me to fix it. You always noticed those things before I did. I don’t remember when we first danced to it. But I remember how it felt. That has to count for something.

I want to keep pushing and fighting this for you, but how do I breathe without the very thing that gave me the reason to. You gave me more than I knew what to do with. More than I deserved, most days. You made things clearer. Even when everything else wasn’t.

I keep thinking I’ll turn around and you’ll be there, just out of sight, like you’ve stepped into another room. I haven’t quite understood yet that you won’t.

Thank you. For the music. For the years. For staying.

I found this very deep in my photos. I recognise Maria, I don't recognise anything else, but I wanted to show you all my wife.

Hi everyone, I don't know if anyone see's this but If it does, here is another check up from the last. Maria has tasked me to write 10 things from the last week so here I go

I went to the pub with Marty, I do not recall which day this was

I picked up red roses for Maria

I spent a day out with my son, Jeremiah, Jeremy?? We went to lunch with his two little munchkins.

I ate breakfast - It was sausage and beans

It was cold, pretty cold

I remember flashes, I know it wasn't from this week but I do remember waking up from these flashes one night

Maria sang to everywhere by Fleetwood Mac one morning, oh how beautiful (and off key) did it sound

I was behind some sort of barrier - a wall between death and running

I cleaned up my beard

I listened to the entire Beatles album "Abbey Road" it never fails me