I think that something people need to understand is that (and I’m speaking as a person with depression) when you have very low self-esteem, you don’t see things clearly.
In 3x16 we see how Buck is terrified of being abandoned and feels he’s alone and not valued by those he loves. But this is Buck’s point of view. He’s not seeing things clearly.
For example at the beginning of the episode Eddie jokingly invites Buck along to help with Christopher’s sleepover. His tone is lighthearted, but from everything we’ve seen between Buck and Eddie, I’m 100% sure it was a genuine invitation. And Eddie offers this before everyone else admits they’re busy. If Eddie had heard everyone else speak first, I bet you dollars to donuts he would have sincerely, genuinely said, “Hey, Buck, come help me with Christopher’s first sleepover, we’d love to have you.” But he was the first to speak up and leave so he didn’t realize everyone else was busy and Buck would be alone.
Buck’s issues in 3x16, as we see in his talk with Maddie, clearly stem from deeper, longer-standing issues than just a few recent outings. “You left.” Buck didn’t have great parents or a good home life, he didn’t feel loved, and the one person who did love him, his sister, left him there. Twice.
Now, as someone who is an older sibling (a much older sibling, there’s over a decade between myself and my sisters), I can attest that leaving ain’t easy and there’s more to it than that, but it doesn’t change the fact that Maddie’s leaving coupled with Buck’s crappy parents created a situation where Buck felt like he wasn’t good enough - and he’s been carrying that low self-esteem ever since.
But what do we actually see of the firefam’s behavior? A huge welcome back party for Buck. Maddie says that she and others have been trying and failing to get Buck out of bed, proving that they were all trying. We then immediately cut to Eddie succeeding in getting Buck out of bed - by giving Buck his most precious possession in the fucking world. Even before 3x15 “Eddie Begins” we know how goddamn important Christopher is to Eddie. Christopher is the light of his father’s life. And he gives full responsibility of that child to Buck, and tells Buck there’s no one in the world I trust with my son more than you.
Bobby was mistaken in how he handled Buck coming back to work. And Buck feels he’s being replaced. But that’s not actually what’s happening. Athena and Bobby even have Buck over for dinner and it’s implied this is a regular occurrence. In the grocery store Chim and Hen are angry with Buck because they miss him. Eddie’s angry BECAUSE HE MISSES HIM (and because yet another adult just skipped out on Christopher and that’s unforgivable to Eddie and frankly he’s right and Buck should’ve warned them about the lawsuit and at least talked to Christopher about it but that lawsuit storyline is so fucking stupid ANYWAY). They’re angry because Buck is claiming they don’t care when they do.
And that’s how it is sometimes when you’ve got depression, or anxiety, or low self-esteem. Or, in Buck’s case, childhood trauma about abandonment that you haven’t properly addressed. You leave before others leave you. You lash out and accuse others of hurting you because you’re terrified that’s exactly what they’re doing and it’s easier to be angry than to be vulnerable.
Bobby was wrong but he did what he did because he loves Buck and was scared for him. It was a father-son spat.
Buck is INCAPABLE at this moment of seeing how much the others love him because he doesn’t love himself. But that doesn’t mean that he’s right. The 118 loves him. They are his family, and they love him. They just don’t realize (yet) that Buck might need a little extra showcasing of that love right now, because they’re not mind readers and they can’t know what Buck’s struggling with if he doesn’t tell them. Hell Maddie didn’t understand what Buck was struggling with until he told her. And she’s the woman who grew up with him.
When you know you’re hurting, of course you think everyone should be able to see it. You can see it, can’t you? You feel like you’re being obvious. But humans are inherently self-centered. What we experience and feel is so much louder to ourselves than it is to everyone else. You need to communicate with the people you love. It can be hard to spot someone hurting, even when you love that someone. And the 118 has been there for Buck and put up with a lot from him. So in their minds, of course he knows they love him! How could he think anything else?
Just like alcoholism, or another addiction, we can’t always see it. That doesn’t mean we’re bad friends or family. It doesn’t mean we aren’t loving and supporting the person.
Basically all these takes I’m seeing about how the firefam isn’t appreciating Buck and aren’t being there for him or should be there for him are driving me nuts and so I decided to rant about it.
