you really are a miracle man

wore a white dress and walked in the rain to the barracks so all the knights could see my skin peeking through the fabric and i said “oh my, excuse me ladies, it seems i got myself lost in the downpour… i’m all alone and no one even knows i’m here…” and they just gave me warm clothes and made me soup so i didn’t catch a cold and escorted me back to my room. i fucking hate chivalry

just watched the knight that escorted me pick up a maid and twirl her around and carry her back toward the barracks while she giggled and blushed and kicked her legs. fuck my extravagant princess life

feeder shit? on MY dashboard?

okay so you want them to malnourish and die...

one time i hooked up with a guy and he ate my ass and jerked me off and then his boyfriend came home and was like kind of upset that he didn't get to have sex with me too. so i was like hey we can do sex that's fine by me. i can cum again. and so he's like ok lets take a shower together and ill jerk you off in the shower. and as hes jerking me off in the shower he asks if i use my phone while i shower. and i say no. and he says he always uses his phone in the shower. and sometimes he takes off the case and washes his phone with shampoo and water just for fun. and he's broken five phones this year from doing that but he's not going to stop because he just wants his phone to be clean and feel good. hes still jerking me off as he tells me about this. this is a real story you have to believe me

You’re laughing. She has a urinary tract infection and you’re laughing

person whose birthday is coming up: yeah i'm like a bodhisattva now. i don't really "want" things. yeah i've renounced all earthly desires. so no i don't know what i want for my birthday

What a wiggly strawberry macaroon !

I can tell youre knitting with no love in your heart i can see the hateful intentions in every stitch.

Betrayed and backstabbed by your scheming evil advisor? Psch. Skill issue. Absolute amateur problem. Just hire two of them and reward them for snitching on each other. Just make sure that neither of them is gay or they'll just end up hate-fucking each other and fucking you over all the same.

"hire two evil advisors but make sure neither of them is gay" are you hearing yourself right now. be serious

Guy eating pussy but he's got one of those Bluetooth earpieces on and on the other end is a lesbian instructing him how to do it.