life through a lens

to sell my house, take a vacation, use what's left to buy a bit of land in the UP, and completely walk away from the life I have here.

Been a minute. But it seems that when I really need just need to get it out, I come back here to write and move on. Strap in guys. I'm really sick of my depression getting in the way. I can handle the internal wars that happen every day, but I can not deal with someone else taking my problems personally. These are my issues. I'm working on them. But this doesnt go away for me. This is how I am. This is who I am. I will never be that perfectly happy person that smiles in the pretty dress. I'm the one that pnly has a few moments a month of quick sunshine. I'm the place that rains and storms. I'm the one that's worried about needing to depend on someone. That doesnt want to buy the house with someone because, in my head, this is temporary. I will come home, and you will be gone. I'm the one that wants children but dont know if I can because of the depression after. I'm the one that wants to be happy but cant. I want to be loved without pressure to be happy but cant. I'm the one that has accepted that this is a fight that I will always have. I will cry and scream for no reason other than my brain. I will go days without washing dishes. And I will not be perfectly happy. I just want it to be okay that this is all I'll ever be. I'm the girl that smiles every day to everyone. With the infectious laugh and sparkling eyes. I'm functional. But I am not happy. And that's okay with me.