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𝓐𝓷 𑣲 This isn't my original idea! If anyone knows who the op is please give me their tag because I don't want to take credit for an idea that isn't my own!!
Seungmin ver 𑣲 Felix ver
A-Aftercare
-His aftercare is more taking the “care” part into a more physical sense of the term.
-While he would definitely clean you up with a towel after, he’s not wasting precious time on showering when he could spend it cuddling up and talking quietly.
B-Body (Favorite part)
-His favorite body part of yours is your back. He finds backs very delicate and beautiful even if they’re muscular (If you’re feminine presenting then he would consider it a very feminine aspect of you).
-His favorite part of his own body are his hands, they’re very versatile.
C-Condoms?
-No, absolutely not (Only if you’re okay with it though)
-Out of all the members, he’s definitely the one who gets off on risk the most.
D-Drive
-I would say it’s in the middle, it’s not low but it also isn’t super high.
-When he gets going though, he really gets going.
E-Eater (afab or amab)
-Yes, he’s literally down to do anything. If you want him to eat, he’s eating. Also just really likes eating, you don’t need to ask because it’s likely to happen regardless.
-He could probably cum JUST from eating you out. He’s 100% an auditory stimulation freak, so hearing you is enough for him to go crazy.
F-Feeling (mood)
-While he is really sweet in every other sense of a partnership, he is ROUGH in bed. Like, super intense.
-There’s no room for vanilla either, biggest freak in skz and I’ll stand by that.
G-Guilty pleasure
-Do you think this man is guilty about anything he does?
-He has no guilty pleasures, just pleasures. (Okay maybe he’s a little guilty about stealing your bras and panties/boxers, emphasis on little though.
H-Hickeys
-Yep yep yep yep. He does not care if you’re the one getting marked up or he is.
-Most likely though, you’re ending up with hickeys quite literally everywhere. And I mean everywhere.
I-Initiation
-With him having an in-between sex drive, initiation is a pretty 50/50 split between him and you.
-He’ll just randomly start making out with you while whispering little pleads. If it’s a no, he’ll get sad but not in a guilt trip way. Man he just really wanted that, he’ll disappear for like thirty minutes though for a wank.
J-Jerk off
-Like I said earlier, he steals your panties and bras/boxers to jerk off with. Closest thing he’ll get to you when you say no.
-He’s definitely a porn watcher (that’s where he gets all his crazy ideas and kinks).
K-Kinks
-Speaking of kinks, his freak has got no limits. He’s constantly finding new things he wants to try or finds hot so really, you’ve tried almost all non-predatory things. His big three are voyeurism, games (heh…), and exhibitionism (I know exhibitionism and voyeurism are very similar, but they aren’t the same so stay with me now.)
-His voyeurism isn’t public sex (he’s a public figure and that is too much for him because his entire life could go down the drain and even though he likes risks, not life changing ones.). It’s more of fucking while Chan’s home and telling you to keep quiet, the idea of getting walked in on excites him. For games it’s like “Oh I’m going to put different foods in your mouth while you're blindfolded and you have to guess what they are.” (He’s just going to stick his dick in your mouth eventually). While some people argue exhibitionism and voyeurism are the same, they definitely aren’t for him. Rather than getting walked in on, he actually gets off on the idea of someone watching you. Whether it’s secretly or literally a cuck chair, he doesn’t care. (I know they’re along the same lines but he sees them very differently. This category is already long enough so I won’t explain further.)
L-Love language
-He’s a very physically affectionate person, everything else follows.
-He loooves cuddling and holding hands. He’s the type of person to trace shapes on your back while watching a movie or coming up behind you and wrapping his arms around you while resting his head on your shoulder. He’s a very cute physical person outside of the bedroom.
M-Maintenance
-No fucks given here, shaving especially. If he feels like it then he will, if he doesn’t then oh well. He keeps up with hygiene though.
-Also doesn’t care about his partner’s shaving maintenance but at least expects you to take care of your body both for yourself and him. (AN: Please keep up with hygiene! Shaving doesn’t necessarily count unless you want it to, but your body needs and deserves proper care. Luv youu :3)
N-No (turn offs)
-Getting babied. He’s a grown man and already gets babied enough by the industry. Don’t act like he doesn’t fuck your guts upsidedown, he isn’t a child.
-Excessive criticism. While he wants his partner to give him criticism every once and while so he can grow as a person, at a certain point that criticism can just become scrutiny. He faces lots of criticism already, he wants to feel loved and not like a project.
O-Only his?
-NOPE. Like I said, exhibitionist so yes someone can watch (Or join in AYYYEE).
-I also heavily believe in perv Jeongin, cuck all the way. (This has 100% already happened with another member, most likely Chan or Hyunjin.)
P-Positions
-Anything and everything everywhere. They said straykids everywhere all around the world for a reason.
-I can firmly say though that he’s a backshots guy, it’s so easy in every situation. You’re cooking and he’s in a mood? Counter backshots. Watching a movie/show and he’s in a mood? Couch backshots. Trying to sleep but he can’t? Bed backshots. Showering together? Shower backshots. You get the idea.
Q-Quintaestial (What he NEEDS to do/have)
-He’s got to have some sort of unpredictability. Like someone coming home early, or people being invited over randomly.
-The possibility of getting caught is his biggest thing. He WILL be paying attention to the shared calendar on the fridge to see when people are around.
R-Rounds
-He likes multiple short rounds. His ultimate goal is for both of you to cum as much as possible.
-The fun of it too is that you’ll never know how many rounds it’ll be 5? 15? You never know.
S-Size
-As a writer, I try to be as realistic as possible which means not everyone is going to be above average. Some people just aren’t packing (And that’s okay!). That being said, he’s big and has some good girth going on.
-Do not underestimate him, just because his rounds are short doesn’t mean it’s short all together.
-He could go for houuurs. His minimum is 2 hours, record is 4 hours (I’m aware that may be a little unrealistic but fuck it we ball)
U-Utility (does he know what he’s doing?)
-YES, YES HE DOES.
-He’s got a thing where he can just make anyone come undone (Gals, guys, and anyone in between or outside alike). He will cater to you but he doesn’t really have to because he’s just that good.
V-Vocal
-Sort of. He’s groany and talks a bit but like I said, he’s big on auditory stimulation so he’s just focusing on the sounds happening in the room.
-You will be getting some “Taking me so well” and cursing though.
W-Wildcard
-He’s literally the song “Simon says” by YC Banks and B. Smyth. (wandaaeps on tiktok has an edit of him to that song and it’s literally my roman empire…caravaggio, shine brighter than the star so stellar.)
X-Extra
-He’s a power top, I know some people see him as a bottom boy but on my life this man would never get caught bottoming
-The only time he’s bottoming is when he’s bottoming out.
Y-Yes (Turn ons)
-Smokers. Is this insane? Yeah it is you right, but hear me out. While he himself doesn’t smoke, seeing someone pretty with a cigarette between their fingers makes his pants tent immediately.
-Strong perfume/cologne. Having an intense scent invade his senses is so arousing for him. He just wants to memosize that smell and then wash it away with his own, it’s like claiming territory.
Z-Extra
-He’s an amazing and super sweet partner all around.
-He'll write you letters and make little handmade gifts. He’s just head over heels for you and wants to show his appreciation in heartfelt (And sometimes dickfelt) ways.
Requested by - @toxixcherry Hoping this is okay!! Thank you for the request, would love seeing you around these parts more luv (˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶) ‹𝟹
Okay guysh (No one is actually going to see this) so I'm working on I.N's abc version rn. BUT and big but, I've got some ideas in my head that I need feedback on. First of all, pinky promise and lock it hasn't been updated in a hot minute and I apologize (I have no clue what to write for Martin's chapter). In the meantime though, would we just like me to write a seungnbin x reader OR another Seungmin x reader? (ik they're both Seungmin WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME). I have ideas for both and will write both regardless dwdw.
𝓐𝓷 𑣲 This isn't my original idea! If anyone knows who the op is please give me their tag because I don't want to take credit for an idea that isn't my own!!
Seungmin ver 𑣲 I.N ver
A-Aftercare
-His aftercare wouldn’t be super involved. Stroking your hair and MAYBE cuddling up depending on the situation.
-He’s probably falling asleep if you’re laying/sitting together.
B-Body (Favorite part)
-His favorite body part of yours is your eyes. He thinks the concept of everyone's eyes being completely unique like fingerprints is beautiful.
-His favorite part of himself is his freckles. He thinks they make him look gentler and they reminds him of the sun in Australia.
C-Condoms?
-Probably, they aren’t something that turn him off nor is unprotected sex something that turns him on.
-Why take the risk if you don’t have to? He still enjoys himself regardless.
D-Drive
-Honestly, I don’t think he’d have a very high sex drive. Not for any particular reason, he’s just not an easily aroused or generally horny person.
-Overall, sex is just another part of what having a partnership looks like and he doesn’t go crazy thinking about it. It’s another experience he’s grateful to share with his person but there’s more important things in a partnership for him than that.
E-Eater (afab or amab)
-I’m going to disappoint people with this one. While he’s 100% a head fien, he much prefers receiving than giving.
-He doesn’t hate giving and would do it if you wanted, but overall it’s not something he’s begging for.
F-Feeling (mood)
-He prefers to crack when he’s relaxed, it’s not something he uses to relieve stress or anger.
-I can see him being a lazy type of lover. It’s very messy and care free, that definitely means he’s content and comfortable though.
G-Guilty pleasure
-He loves cock warming and I mean LOVES it. If he’s playing league there’s a 90% chance your under the desk
-Probably has a vibrator he likes messing around with from time to time, nothing crazy though for this section.
H-Hickeys
-Another one where I think he’d prefer receiving rather than giving, he’d like someone marking him up but it just isn’t something he registers to do back.
-There may not be hickeys on your body but hand prints definitely make up for them!
I-Initiation
-With him not having a very high sex drive, his partner would probably initiate more.
-When he does initiate though it’s just him randomly starting to undress you, if you say no though he stops, apologizes, and moves on like it didn’t happen.
J-Jerk off
-Not something he’s doing super often because of that drive (again ik I’m sorry for referencing it so much)
-When he gets needy though and you aren’t around (like when he's on tour) he’s probably a fleshlight or vibrator handy. He’s not crazy about it though because it just makes him miss you more.
K-Kinks
-Cum drinking. He’s a head fanatic idc, he gets off on you swallowing his cum.
-Out of every member I also feel he’s probably the most likely one to be into bdsm (specifically restraints). I see him as a power bottom so being tied up in a way where he can’t touch you just makes him needier and harder. I can see it being a game too, how long can it last before he’s somehow snaking his way out of the restraints just to touch you, he takes winning that game very seriously as well
L-Love language
-I think his biggest love languages would be gift giving and words of affirmation. He’s a busy man and sometimes all he is able to manage in his day is to order you food or quickly call you to tell you he loves you and is proud to say you’re his partner, among other kind words.
-You’re definitely getting random flower deliveries or another member showing up at your door with brownies he made for you before having to catch yet another flight with sticky notes with sweet messages or doodles on the container.
M-Maintenance
-He’s pretty well groomed with being a model and all. He doesn’t necessarily have to keep up with it since he’s not that kind of model, but it sells the lifestyle to him a little more.
-He doesn’t care about body hair in general though.
N-No (turn offs)
-Being super clingy. Like I said, he’s a busy man and needs someone who understands that just because he isn’t around 24/7 doesn’t mean he doesn’t care or love them.
-Being seen as perfect. Above all else, he wants to be seen for the person he is. With him being so heavily in the beauty industry along with being a kpop idol, he just wants to be real with someone. Being worshiped just instills insecurity about how he isn’t perfect (because no one is) or makes him feel like he’s at work.
O-Only his?
-He’s a huge cuck (I KNOW I’M SORRY) Freak in the way that he gets off heavy on watching someone else (or multiple people) do you. This of course only applies if you also want that/are comfortable with it.
-Also wants to have a threesome (OR MORE?!?!?!?)
P-Positions
-Cowgirl lover until he dies. Also big on back shots but like 9.99999 times out of ten he wants you cowgirling him.
-He likes watching you go down on him and his favorite pastime during that is gripping your waise/ass so hard there’s marks afterwards.
-AGAIN, huge head fein but that really needs no explanation.
Q-Quintaestial (What he NEEDS to do/have)
-He needs music playing lightly in the background (he’s got a special playlist). It helps him get into it more and sets the moods for him.
-Someone’s hair needs to get pulled at one point or another.
R-Rounds
-When it comes to intercourse, he’s probably going 2-3 rounds before he’s tapping out from overstimulation and being tired.
-Sometimes when he’s working on his computer or playing something he’s fine with one round of head and then just having you in his lap cuddling afterwards.
S-Size
-Someone will hate me for this but I’d say he’s just average.
-It isn’t something he’s relatively concerned about though, you can fit it in your mouth and that’s all that matters about it.
T-Time
-Each round probably lasts 20-30 minutes for him.
-Like I said he’s able to go 2-3 rounds so the average time is 40 minutes to an hour. His record is an hour and 50 minutes because it was your birthday and you were having a really good time.
U-Utility (does he know what he’s doing?)
-Not particularly.
-Being a power bottom he’s not really the one doing the work most of the time so he isn’t SUPER experienced. He’s pretty straight forward when it comes to sex so even if he doesn’t know what he’s doing, it’s still good.
V-Vocal
-He’s not quiet, he’s yapping your ear off icl.
-Constantly whispering things like “You’re doing so good” “That’s it, just like that” “God you’re perfect when you moan like that”. He throws in some groans every once and a while just to add variety.
W-Wildcard
-Is he a power bottom? Sure! Does he also fantasize about getting fucked and toyed with by his members while you stroke his hair, call him angel and talk him through it? Yeah!
X-Extra (AFAB)
-I know I said he doesn't take risks but he has a circumstantial breeding kink.
-Like he gets really turned on at the idea of cumming in your panties and you wearing them for the day.
Y-Yes (Turn ons)
-Begging. He gets rock solid anytime you start begging for literally anything. If it’s sexual he gets a huge surge of self-confidence. If it isn’t a sexual connotation, he will make it one by telling you there’s a price to whatever you're asking for (Wink wink).
-Praise. He likes it when his partner praises him for literally anything, like ANYTHING.
-These are the only two things that easily arouse him.
Z-Extra (AMAB or AFAB)
-While he’ll never admit it, he has REALLY dirty fantasies. Next to getting his back absolutely blown out by one of his best friends while getting talked through it by his lovely partner of course.
-One of his biggest ones is the only time he has ever found being an eater hot. He finds the idea of watching you get filled up by someone and then licking you clean extremely arousing. There’s been a few times where he’s almost brought it up to one of his members (Probably Chan) but stopped himself out of fear of being judged.
Requested by - @franaby I Hope it lived up to your expectations lovely ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡
𝓐𝓷 𑣲 This isn't my original idea! If anyone knows who the op is please give me their tag because I don't want to take credit for an idea that isn't my own!!
Felix ver 𑣲 I.N ver
A-Aftercare
-His aftercare would probably be very gentle. Like helping you bath, drying and brushing your hair, making sure you have comfortable sleeping clothes, etc.
-Would fall asleep with his head on your chest and his hand on your stomach. He’d like the calm proximity and sound of your breath rising and falling.
B-Body (Favorite part)
-His favorite part of your body is definitely your chest, he loooves listening to heartbeats and feeling your breath like I said earlier.
-His favorite body part of his body is his shoulders. He likes how broad they are because he isn’t a muscular person, they make him feel very masculine.
C-Condoms?
-This man is a literal dog. No.
-Only if you are comfortable and on a form of birth control (if applicable) though, he’s a gentleman.
D-Drive
-He has a REALLY high sex drive I feel.
-It’d probably be like once a week or even more frequent somehow.
E-Eater (afab or amab)
-He likes anything that you like (mostly), so if you’re into that then he is too.
-Independantly though, he likes it because he gets to give his partner a pleasurable experience.
F-Feeling (mood)
-He 100% wants to crack whenever he’s angry or in a bad mood overall to help him decompress.
-When he isn’t pissed off though it would feel much more intimate, especially with his style.
G-Guilty pleasure
-He’s a switch in my opinion but I think more of a dominant falling person, so one of his guilty pleasures is being a pillow princess.
-He likes getting teased and tossed around just not all the time, he’s someone who likes being in control of what’s happening but if he felt secure enough this would do wonders for him.
H-Hickeys
-Ouuu shiii does this man enjoy marking you up and claiming his territory.
-They would be in spots that are easy to hide though unless you asked for them to be visible. They’re pretty intense so he’s nervous about embarrassing you.
I-Initiation
-He would initiate more I think with him having such a high sex drive.It would always gentle invitations though
-He’s big on consent so it would be along the lines of “Do you want to?” “Can we?” “Do you feel like it?”. Your mood and wants are just as important to him as his own so the invitations are always relaxed and non-judgemental.
J-Jerk off
-Building off the last point, if it’s a no then he’ll just go take care of himself. He’d probably have voice recordings of you tucked away for that so he could have you even when you don’t want to be physical.
-He’s the type of person to HATE porn. Because why would he listen to/watch random people when he has his amazing partner?
K-Kinks
-The biggest headcannon for him applies here, the big three are pet names, praise, and degradation. For pet names, whether he’s the one getting called by them or calling his partner by them, he doesn’t care. Pup, puppy, good girl/boy/one, baby, darling, etc would be his go tos and all other kinks typically weave in with them.
-Dabbles in other kinks every once and a while depending on what he and his partner want. He’d LOVE collars but not in a pet play way, probably has a daddy kink, brat taming, that kinda stuff.
L-Love language
-He’s the type of person to have more of a quiet love language, it’s there but you have to really know him to see it.
-Quality time and acts of service are probably his big two because he feels with quality time, both him and his partner benefit and acts of service are his way of showing interest and care.
M-Maintenance
-He’s a very clean, presentable person and that carries over to what’s going on under his clothes.
-He keeps up with shaving, proper hygiene, and overall care of every aspect of himself. It helps with his self confidence and inner image as he likes to imagine himself as a polished man.
N-No (turn offs)
-In with the last part, unhygienic tendencies. Someone not taking good care of themselves both grosses him out and confuses him. He doesn’t understand a lack of self preservation.
-Dependency gives him a big ick. You’re an adult and shouldn’t need him to do everything for you or be around you all the time. He also finds that branches into a lack of individuality and personality.
-Voyerism, he’s a public figure and getting caught scares him. Also just hates being in an unpredictable setting.
O-Only his?
-While he would like monogamy in a romantic setting, he’s up for a threesome but no more than that.
-He’d rather not shower for a month then be a cuck/let someone else cuck though.
P-Positions
-He likes a myriad of positions and would always be up to try new things, he’s not particularly picky.
-Big three are doggy style, missionary, and mating press. He likes missionary and mating presses because he gets to look at his partner's face which makes him feel safer so he knows if anything is wrong. Doggy style is just hot to him.
Q-Quality time
-Circling back to his love language since quality time would probably be his biggest one especially because he’s so busy with schedules.
-He’d like going for coffee, cooking/baking together, listening and dancing to music, playing board games, just sitting together and talking or doing individual activities in each other's presence.
-I can also see him having a dog with his partner and enjoying walking and playing with it together.
R-Rounds
-He’s the type of person to go for multiple long rounds because he’s got such a high drive and probably a lot of stamina when it comes to having sex.
-Every once and a while he’d go for one quicky, but that’s very rare because he feels it takes away from the intimacy and connection of it.
S-Size
-As a writer and a person, I have one quote my mother said that I am reminded of every day “It’s always the tall, lean ones”
-While I don’t think he’s necessarily thick, length wise he’s definitely above average. Maybe 6-9 inches (I have no clue what average is and I am NOT googling ts)
T-Time
-He goes for a minimum of two hours. Is that pretty long? Yeah, but so is he.
-Maximum I think three but his record is four and a half. This is mostly just because his rounds are long and he prefers multiple.
U-Utility (does he know what he’s doing?)
-While he does know what he’s doing in a general sense, he tries to appeal to his partner.
-The first few times would be experimental, showing what he likes and learning what his partner likes in order to craft a perfect experience. Once he’s got it down though, he’s more than useful.
V-Vocal
-Depends on his mood and whether he’s top or bottom that day. He’s vocal regardless but in different ways.
-If he’s pissed/normal/top that day, he’s more groaning and talking in a low register. If he’s in a sweet mood/bottom he’s all whiny and moany, probably doing a lot more praise and begging.
W-Wildcard
-He doesn’t like talking about his sexual experiences with people, even his closest friends.
-He believes sex is a very personal thing and keeps quiet about it to others for two reasons: He’s a vastly different person in bed, and he doesn’t want to share vulnerable information about you out of respect.
X-Extra
-If his partner is afab he’d let you peg him if that’s what you want (He’d like it)
-If his partner is amab he’d absolutely cock warm.
Y-Yes (Turn ons)
-Happiness. This may sound weird but stick with me here. Just seeing his partner happy does it for him because you mean so much to him, also probably means you’re more likely to let him go at you.
-Bratty behavior. Back to kinks, I was a bit vague with brat taming but lord does he love that. If he asks you to grab him a glass of water quickly because he’s doing something and you say no, that’s wraps he’s bending you over the kitchen counter and teaching you a lesson. (Just to be clear, he doesn’t think you should do everything he asks or that you are under his control.)
Z-Extra
-He’d fw roleplaying on the downlow, not something he does all the time but when it happens he likes it.
-He’d break up with you if it had anything to do with pedophilia.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality✓ Free Actions
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
𝓘𝓷 𝔀𝓱𝓲𝓬𝓱 𑣲 Finally coming home from university was a dream, this summer break is going to be the best yet. Or at least that's what you thought. Everything flipped when you woke up experiencing your first heat as an omega. Your father, not knowing what to do gave his good friend a call.
𝓒𝔀ᵎ!ᵎ 𑣲 NSFW, omega verse, oral!fem receiving, alpha!Seungmin, omega!reader, praise, degradation, use of pet names, p in v, unprotected (wrap it up!)
𝓐𝓷 𑣲 This is my first time writing smut so bare w me. Also no use of y/n!
Finally getting off campus for summer break was the best possible thing that had happened to you in the past month. You had been swamped by exam season with non stop studying, barely any sleep, and of course the stress of walking in and out of exam halls.
In preparation for your much awaited arrival back home, your father had specifically cancelled all his schedules just for you. He was ecstatic to finally have his adored daughter back home again, he was also excited to just have a break though.
The lively streets of downtown Seoul greeted you as you stepped off the bus. Your body was sore and heavy from sitting for hours straight, that tension left as soon as you saw your father leaning against a brick wall directly across from you. Even with a mask and tuque on, you could see the smile growing on his face. Running over, you were met with open arms and a ruffle of the hair.
“There’s my girl!” Brown eyes curved into crescent moons, his aegyo sal popping out.
“Hey Dad! Happy to see me?” You flashed a grin.
“Of course I am! I thought the schedule cancelling said enough.”
“Oh and how do the others feel about their dear leader cancelling on them for his lame daughter?”
Stifling a laugh, you pulled away and regained your posture, looking up at him with a smile.
“You aren’t lame at all, kid. Plus, me cancelling schedules means they all get a break from group activities, which is most of their schedules."
Walking down the street to the apartment could have been a vacation in itself. The loud streets of the city accompanied by the smells drifting off of various food vender stands wrapped around you like a cozy blanket. Growing up in Seoul was a marvelous experience and a feeling you missed greatly. Ten months away from a place you love can really deepen your appreciation for it.
The door clicked shut behind the two of you and for the first time in a bit, your body fully relaxed. The apartment smelt like white sage from the incense your father had been burning before he left to collect you.
As soon as your shoes slipped off, you practically booked it to your room. Stepping in, the familiarity of your room sent a wave of happiness coursing through you. Dropping the suitcase in your hand onto the floor, you moved towards the bed that stood in the center of the room. The plush sheets smelt as though they had been freshly washed just for you, which they had. Collapsing onto the soft comfort, you turned your head to look out the floor to ceiling windows on the wall to your right.
That was the best part of your room: the view. Anyone who ever walked in always commented on how perfect your room was. The windows looked down on the heart of Seoul, bright and beautiful. Inside your room, the lighting was always warm and always had a slight smell of either driftwood or cedar.
This was going to be the most peaceful summer break ever.
Your father called out from the kitchen to notify you that dinner was ready. On the menu tonight was some simple cheesy pasta and garlic sticks, something you always loved as a kid.
“I thought you wanted to see me?” Your fathers teasing voice reached you as you sat down at one of the island bar stools.
“I do, just wanted to see my bed more.” Your mouth curved into an uncontrollable smile.
“Woooow, I see how it is. Guess we won’t go out for samgyetang tomorrow like I planned then.”
Your face turned serious, “I was joking and you know it.”.
He raised his hands in surrender. “I know, I know. Don’t worry, I got a reservation at that little place you like in the outskirts of town.”
“I can’t wait.”
Your sleep that night was serene and snug, but waking up wasn’t so much. The first thing that hit you were cramps low in your stomach, small and persistent. Then was the overwhelming feeling of tears. You had no reason to cry, you didn’t even feel sad but yet, the tears came. A full body sob ripped through you and wouldn’t stop.
Your father burst through the door, hair messy and shirt rumbled from putting it on too fast.
“What’s wrong?! Are you oka-”
The words died in his throat as his nose flared and the hair on the back of his neck pricked up.
“Oh…”
You were still sobbing from whatever unseeable cause was raking havoc through your body. Cautiously, your father approached your bed and sat down on the edge. Slowly, he reached a hand out and stroked your hair in an attempt to slow your sobs.
“You presented. We should have known this was coming. You’re around the age where it typically happens, you know?”
All you could do was lightly nod your head in understanding.
“Listen, this is completely normal, most omegas have uncontrollable emotions during the first bit of their heat, and then well…you know.”
You sniffled “I know Dad, they taught us about it in high school.”
“Right.” He looked down at his hands, twirling his thumbs. “Uhm…let me make some calls really quickly, okay?”
All you could do in response is nod your head again.
From the outside of your room you could hear your father on the phone with someone. You couldn’t hear the full conversation but you were able to pick up on a few words: “Presented” “Omega” “Heat” “Rut” “Thanks”.
Twenty minutes passed of just pure tears before it finally hit. The innate need of something or someone, and the overwhelming sense that you needed to rearrange your bed because it was no longer comfortable. Sitting up, you grabbed pillows, blankets, various stuffed animals and positioned them until everything was perfect. The end result was a closed space of fluff and happiness. Laying down in it, you felt a little better but the aching, hollow feeling in your core was still there.
Ten more minutes of laying in the newly built nest, slick building slowly under your sleep pants. Small whimpers kept falling from your lips from nothing, just the intense burning overtaking your senses. Ten more minutes of wishing life had gifted you the calm life of a beta.
The door to your room flew open and in came Kim Seungmin. His chest was heaving from what seemed like running, his clothes were wrinkled and his muscles were woven tight in discomfort. The switch in his demeanor was immediate as soon as the smell reached him though.
Coffee and milk chocolate. If there was one thing that Seungmin loved most in life, it was coffee.
Kim Seungmin was an elegant man who never lost his cool, never seemed in a state of disarray. He was tall with long legs, delicate fingers, sharp eyes, and a sense of sophistication and silent authority. The man standing in your room was the poster boy of what an alpha is and should be. Broad shoulders, short hair that turned heads, and the vocal range of a true singer.
Right now though, he was anything but his typical calm, collected self. Heat radiated off his skin, his eyes were wide and his breath was shallow.
His adam's apple popped as he swallowed, gradually shutting the door behind him with a soft click.
“Your uh, your dad called me.”
The tall man neared the bed, stopping at the very edge.
It was then you smelt it, making your new found senses sharpen. The smell of tomato vine and basil, intensified by a rut cycle. Air caught in your throat at the realization of why he was in such a state. Seungmin-controlled, poised Seungmin, was in the midst of his own rut cycle.
The older one shone his usual troublesome grin “Need some help?”
You nodded weakly.
“Use your words pup, you have to let me into the nest.”
The name shot a wave of molten need up your spine, flushing your cheeks.
“Please, you can come in” your voice was quiet and hoarse.
That was all he needed before he was on the bed, pinning you beneath his weight. His face was already buried in the crook of your neck, smelling and licking at your scent gland. The actions receiving a small moan from you in return. Lifting his head from your neck you could see that his pupils were blown wide, the black swallowing his usually brown eyes.
“You like that name, huh pup?”
The name caused a small breath to escape you.
“Hm, cute. Now do me a favour and sit up a bit.”
Following the request, you sat up as he bracketed his legs under himself. Long, cool fingers snaked their way under your t-shirt and lifted it up and over your head gently. His palm pressed flat against your ribcage as he guided your body back down to the mattress. Once you were laid down again, he lowered himself. Placing lazy kisses on your stomach trailing up to your collarbones felt like slow, agonizing torture.
Raising his gaze, he lowered his hand-hooking two fingers under the waistband of your pants and panties.
“Is this okay?” His voice was sincere, lacking any mischievous or malevolent undertone.
“Seungmin…please.”
At the plea, he pulled them off in one, clean motion. The result was you completely bare under him. Typically you would have been embarrassed or nervous, but now- fueled by your ever growing heat only whined in response.
Repositioning himself to be nestled between your legs, he rested his head on your inner thigh. One of his hands raised to trace small circles on your lower abdomen, a faint smile playing at the corners of his mouth.
“What does my little pup want?”
“Mfgh, Min-please”
“That doesn’t tell me anything baby, you need to be more specific.”
You huffed in frustration from the pent up need still growing in your stomach.
“I need you.”
Seungmin smiled, a wicked smile. “Not yet”
Sitting up slightly and pulling his shirt off and tossing it to the side, he revealed his lean figure that seemed so strong yet delicate at the same time. The broad shoulders were even more attractive bare. As he leaned back down, you could see his back muscles that were defined in a subtle way.
He moved your legs to hook over his shoulders and lowered his face, sticking his tongue out slightly for a small taste of the slick covering you. Taking in a long breath, he looked up at you with enjoyment plastered all over his face. You tried to writhe in protest but his arms held your thighs stationary.
“Fine.”
Fully lowering his head between your legs his tongue came out to lap at the slick secreting from your entrance. His strong nose brushed up against your clit sending sparks through you. His tongue entered you at last, delving deep in attempts to drink the sweet chocolate taste that accompanied your scent.
There was relief, but it still wasn’t enough. Your hands came to grip his hair and pull him closer, moans leaving your body despite being breathless. He continued his intrusion, groaning into you as your body continued reacting to him. The noise sent a vibration through your body ripping another moan from out of you.
A coil began to build in your lower stomach, the pressure almost painful. Seungmin removed his tongue, causing a protesting whine to erupt from you. That was quickly replaced by a gasp though as he inserted two digits into you. Curving them slightly, he was able to find and perfectly hit a spot inside you that made your back arch off the mattress.
“That’s it, let it go.” His voice was dark, thick with lust.
Lowering himself back down again, his tongue focussed solely on your clit this time. Licking lines up and down the small bud and eventually closing his lips over it and sucking gently while his fingers continued to scissor you.
The combination of sensations sent you tumbling over the edge. Your back arched further and your walls began rhythmically fluttering around his two fingers. The climax hit your body hard, your fingers gripped his hair in a way that must have been painful and your head fell back. His fingers fucked you through the orgasm, slowing ever so slightly.
Once it was over, he removed his fingers and lifted his face. The loss of fullness immediately irritated you and left you whining yet again. His face was covered in you, his lips were swollen and wet. Raising the two fingers to his face, he licked them clean while still looking up and your now hidden face.
He moved your legs from his shoulders, quickly wiped his face with his forearm,and moved back up so that his arms caged you in. He began placing hot, open mouth kisses along the column of your neck, onto your jaw line, and finally your lips. The kiss was bruising and claiming, your taste still on his tongue. When he finally pulled away, he rested his forehead against your own.
“You want it?” His chest rose and fell sporadically from both catching his breath and the ever growing throb under his pants.
“Mhm…please. I need it.” Your voice was shaky from still recovering from his mouth.
He scoffed, turning his face slightly before fully facing you again. “Dumb puppy.”
Pushing up, he made haste of removing his pants and boxers. His body covered yours again and his face returned to its original spot in the crook of your neck. Tongue and teeth moved around your neck, licking and nipping at all the right spots.
And quietly, he aligned the head of his length with your entrance. Casually, he began pushing in at a pace that allowed you to adjust to him. While he wasn’t thick, he was long in a way you should have imagined from his figure. His lips moved against your neck, muttering praises as you took him.
“Good girl, you’re doing so well already. Gripping me so well.”
After a few more seconds of the slow push, he fully bottomed out. Even without moving, you could feel him pushing up against that specific spot that makes the edges of your vision blur and the air in your throat catch. His left hand came up to stroke your hair while he continued licking at your scent gland.
“Is this what you wanted, pup?” His voice was a low growl.
You swallowed the whimper rising up your vocal cords. “Mfgh…more”
He let out a low chuckle. “Does my puppy want me to start moving?” He raised his head up to hover above you.
You nodded your head frantically, your body screaming for the friction you so desperately were seeking.
“I think you’ve been good enough for me to do that then.”
He sat up, bringing your hips with him for a perfect position. Slowly at first, he began moving his hips in shallow thrusts that felt like heaven. After a few minutes of the timid grinding, a low breath fell from his lips.
“Fuck. You’re making this whole teasing thing hard, you know?”
“Then don’t-don’t do the teasing thing.” Your words were more of a whimper as your heart rate kept picking up and slick kept coating his length.
“You said it, not me”
This time, he pulled out almost fully and snapped his hips forward in a motion that ripped a scream from you. The process repeated, it was still slower but the pressure was so much greater. Eventually, Seungmin lost all control as his rut-accentuated instincts kicked in and the previously slow thrusts became much faster. Your hands found the sheets, gripping them so hard your knuckles turned white. Drool dripped down your cheek and Seungmin's groans became louder.
One of his hands left your hip, grabbing your jaw and tilting it until his eyes met yours.
“Awh, look at my little puppy. Drooling because of my dick, is it really that good or are you just dirty?”
His words created a burning embarrassment to mix with the pleasure marking your face. The words landed subconsciously though, causing a small tremor to run through your body.
He leaned down more, one hand still on your hip as he continued to fuck in and out of you.
His breath was warm against the shell of your ear as he whispered to you “You like being called out for being the dirty puppy you are and I know it. Do you want to know how I know?”
All you could manage to answer with was a small, choked whimper as your body shuttered from his degrading words.
“Because every time I say things like that, you sent spikes and you produce more slick.”
The delivery of the words came alongside a pick up in pace. It was almost unnoticeable but the base of his length began to swell, even the slight difference sent your body into pure bliss. Seungmin dropped his forehead down to your shoulder for a split second before raising it just above yours again.
His nose brushed yours as he leaned in, his lips a brush away from yours.
His voice was a low, rattling growl when he spoke “Do you feel it?”
You nodded your head, a small whimper erupting behind your lips.
“Are you gonna take my knot like a good girl?”
Your head moved in agreement again.
“Words pup, words”
“Y-yes”
“Yes what?” His words dripped with perverted pleasure as the swell of his knot continued to grow.
You swallowed hard, trying your best to use words without them becoming moaning non-sense. “Yes, I’ll take your knot like a good girl”
He let out a satisfied grunt before closing the small distance and pressing his lips against yours. His tongue poked at your mouth, demanding entrance and his teeth grazed and nipped your lower lip. His pace quickened and the pressure of his growing knot became heavenly, the extra stretch was everything your body had been screaming for.
It didn’t take long before his knot fully caught and he was painting your walls white, the unbelievable stretch sent you into your own orgasm. Both of you were tensing and throwing your heads back in pleasure as you came together. When he finally stopped pulsing and your body relaxed, he collapsed on top of you as his breaths came and went rapidly.
You gulped, the burning desire in your veins finally settling a bit.
“So, uh. How long does that thing last?”
Seungmin gave a full chest laugh. “What? You don’t like being connected with me or something?”
Your face flushed and you tripped over your own words. “Wha-no. That’s not what I was saying!”
“Shhhshhh, don’t worry I was just kidding. Mine usually lasts ten to fifteen minutes.”
“Oh oka-” The horrifying realization crashed over you all at once “Oh my god! My da-”
“He left as soon as I stepped through the door, don’t worry”
Your nerves instantly eased knowing your father didn’t just hear you get fucked silly by one of his best friends.
Seungmin raised his head again with a mischievous look on his face. “Though, I wonder how many times I can knot you until you're spilling over with cum.”
The bold comment sent heat straight to your cheeks and core, making your walls flutter around him again. That received a groan from him, dropping his head back down again.
𝓐𝓷 𑣲 Please read at your own discrepancy! It isn't super graphic but if any of the cw above are something that cause discomfort or are sensitive subjects for you, don't read. This chapter is skippable as it only sets up some background for Keonho!
His coach’s booming voice rang in his ears as he ran past the lap line for the seventh time. Practice had been 10 laps around the track as a warm-up and a pacing drill. His lungs stung and his legs burned but he kept going, kept pushing ahead.
He was leading the group, proving he was the fastest on the track team, proving he was team captain.
Keonho was the golden boy for everyone, he was nice, handsome, athletic, musical, sorta smart. There were these expectations everyone held him to, and they weren’t exactly easy expectations-even for Keonho. He had to keep up with his sports teams, his friends, his fans, his school work, his family, himself. If he didn’t take care of his body then there wouldn’t be a golden boy Ahn Keonho, he tended to forget that.
He set a brutal pace for both him, and his teammates. Barely anyone could keep up with Keonho, even he himself had a hard time maintaining his pace of fifty seconds per four-hundred meter lap-except for one person.
So as he passed his coach again-marking his eighth lap, his body began to ache and slow down. Now, Daisuke was closing in on him. The guy had exchanged from somewhere in Japan a few months prior, and he was fast. Was he faster than Keonho? No, nobody is faster than Keonho. But his stamina and pacing were a different story, because where Keonho lacked-Daisuke excelled.
The hatred Daisuke held against Keonho was natural, even if the other boy didn’t reciprocate the intense feeling. He liked to pick on the boy he was catching up to, for one reason in particular: Keonho was the team captain and Daisuke wasn’t. How could someone who’s only skill is going fast get picked over someone almost equal to his speed, good at pacing, and has amazing stamina? It was utterly unfair, totally rigged-well that’s what Daisuke thought.
The truth was the team wanted someone who was sticking around longer than a year. Keonho had no reason to leave Casper, or their school; the other boy had to go back to Japan once his ten months were up. Clean cut and simple, they were the fastest on the team, but Keonho was staying longer than Daisuke-so the captain title went to him. More than that though, Keonho was a natural born leader. Track wasn’t the only sports team he was captain of-he was also the senior boys swim team captain.
Keonho loved swimming with a passion, with every bone in his body. Most people knew better than to argue about Kenoho's position on the senior boys team, or that he was captain despite the fact he was a grade nine. Because who would argue that the fifth best ranked swimmer in the state wasn’t qualified or deserving for that spot on the team or the team captain title.
Still, Daisuke's breath came and went rapidly-laced with resentment as he caught up with the taller boy.
“Your face is pretty red there tampahn” Daisuke's voice was more of a bark as he came up side by side with him
“I told you not to call me that”
Keonho’s chest heaved as he continued trying to keep his pace. The bully beside him dropped his voice to mocking a whisper
“Be a shame if you couldn’t keep this up”
Keonho grunted in return “No one can keep a fantastic pace for a whole ten laps, not even you.”
“That’s not what I meant, sunshine boy” his grin widened ear to ear in a way that could only mean something bad.
The last thing Keonho remembers before tumbling to the track was Daisuke’s harsh laugh as a foot got in front of his mid stride. Something cracked, no-multiple things cracked. He couldn’t tell you how many of those things were inside, or outside. Keonho saw white.
The pain in his body was searing-and when he tried to cry out in pain, his jaw fell slack-only managing to produce a sound closer to a whimper than anything else. He attempted to suck in air through his mouth, grasping for anything his body could use. His throat felt raw, as if he had been screaming at the top of his lungs for hours. When he opened his eyes-his vision blurred, he saw it before he felt it.
The track underneath him was covered in thick, crimson blood, it took a second for Keonho’s brain to catch up. Even when his mouth filled with a metallic taste and his head felt like it was under a hydraulic press, he couldn’t put two and two together. It wasn’t until he lifted two fingers to feel the warm liquid oozing down his face, into his mouth did he understand.
His nose bone was practically touching his right cheek. It all hit him at once, when he tried to scramble to his feet, his left wrist twisted under his weight-sending him straight back to the ground again. For the first time in several minutes, he was finally able to use his voice.
He screamed, he screamed louder than he ever had in his life.
His coach ran over yelling his name over and over again. He and another boy reached him, hauling Keonho up by his arms and wrapping one over each of their shoulders. Blood rushed to his head at the change in altitude, his stomach twisted.
He puked.
There he was: Ahn Keonho, spread across the polyurethane of his school's track. His mouth was dry-if you didn’t count the blood, his ears were ringing, his body was limp, his head was pounding. The world around him seemed to spin as his teammate and coach walked him to the office while someone else called for an ambulance. Kids were yelling around him, asking if their captain would be okay-everything sounded like it was underwater.
Keonho doesn’t remember walking to the office, or waiting for the ambulance, he doesn’t even remember being in the ambulance. All he remembers is waking up in a hospital bed, his parents asleep in plastic chairs across from him and his older sister sitting on the end of his bed doing something on her phone.
He felt achy and exhausted, making a small attempt at a groan-his sister finally diverted her attention to him.
She smiled, “Good morning America, you took one hell of a fall there.”
Keonho squinted his eyes “What?”
“On the track, yesterday. You totally wiped out, fucked your nose and wrist, got a few ribs in there too. It was pretty gnarly from what I heard.” his sister scoffed.
Everything came rushing back over him: Daisuke, the foot, his laugh, the blood and puke all over the track, the white burning pain spread across his body, and his nose. God his nose, he could basically feel the bone on his cheek.
He lifted his finger to feel before his sister promptly stopped him.
“Don’t! It’s still healing.”
Keonho lowered his hand at the stark warning.
“How long have I been in the hospital?”
“About eleven hours, got here at six yesterday and it’s nine now” she sighed “Don’t worry captain America, you weren’t chirofroze again.”
Keonho rolled his eyes at the exaggeration. This was him and his sisters usual though, back and forth. She had just graduated high school the year prior and was studying at the local college for hospitality and tourism. Keonho missed seeing his sister everyday before she moved into residence, she was practically his best friend regardless of how much they bickered.
But there was something much more pressing on Keonho’s mind.
“What happened to Daisuke?”
“Daisuke?” his sister repeated confused
“The guy who tripped me.”
His sister's face went grim “Someone tripped you?”
“Yeah, he caught up with me, starting mocking me, and before I knew it: his foots across mine and I’m falling face first onto the tra-”
His sister was already on her feet, shaking their parents awake. His mum grumbled something incoherent under her breath.
“Mum, you gotta call the school right now!” His sister was still shaking their mum by her shoulders.
She swatted away her daughter's arms “What are you talking about?” her voice was heavy with sleep and annoyance
“Keonho didn’t fall, someone tripped him.”
His mother was on her feet in a split second, any previous sleep now gone.
“What!?”
Her eyes drifted over to her bandaged son on the bed in front of her.
“Is that true Ahn? Did someone push you?”
Keonho nodded his head “Daisuke”
“The boy who’s been calling you names?”
He nodded his head again.
His mum was already calling the school before the movement finished.
“I told you, you should have told your coach about him.”
Fluorescent lights burned hot above Keonho’s head, sitting outside of the school office. His arm was in a cast with a sling wrapped around his neck. There was a thick patch of bandaging around his ribcage that made being comfortable impossible. His nose was covered by gauze and medical tape. His eyes were sunken and so was his posture, it wasn’t quite defeat that was plastered on Keonho’s face. Rather something entirely different: exhaustion, anger, fear.
The world around him had shrunk as soon as he sat down in an uncomfortable plastic chair while his mothers echoing, loud voice rang somewhere in the distance. He wasn’t trying to pay attention, but his mothers shouting made it difficult. He picked out words here and there, things like “punishment”, “unexcusable”, “disgusting”, the works.
Keonho’s anger burned behind his eyes, tightened in his jaw, clenched in his fists, it ate him from the inside out. The hot anger that was ever so slowly becoming molten lava as more and more kids passed by him, whispering to each other.
At some point though, the kettle boiled over.
That point was when a group of Daisuke's friends leaned against the wall adjacent to where Keonho sat in the unpleasant chair. Without a doubt, each boy was sent by his perpetrator. There were three, a tall boy with ash blond hair, a slightly shorter boy with jet black hair, and a delicate, lean boy. The lean boy was Chih En, he was a grade twelve on Keonho’s swim team. He had his head hung low and both hands shoved into their respective jean pockets. There was a mix of emotions on the little of his face Keonho could see, but it was mostly consumed by guilt.
The tall one was the first to speak.
“Awh, look at our little captain.” the boy clicked his tongue. “Hey Chih, think you’ll finally be team captain now that the rat’s out of working condition? He couldn’t do a backstroke like this even if he gave it his all.
Chih En looked up and shook his head “Zhang, don’t”
Zhang barked a cold laugh “What? Scared he’ll get you kicked off the team or something?”
Chih only looked away in response.
Another wave of his mothers voice rang from inside the office. The shorter boy staggered a laugh, turning and covering his mouth with his hand. Looking back at Keonho, he cleared his throat.
“Did baby Ahn call his mommy to take care of the big-bad bully?”
He pushed off the wall and stalked towards the chair Keonho was still slumped in. He stopped right in front of the younger boy, leaning down so he was eye to eye with him. Keonho's gaze was still latched onto the floor, he had promised himself he wouldn’t do anything stupid.
The boy ahead of him sighed and shook his head. “You just can’t take a joke, can you? can’t even fight back, huh?” He turned his head back to the other two and laughed.
Daisuke’s stunt may have broken Keonho's wrist, but he broke his left wrist and Keonho was right handed. Slowly, he rose from the plastic chair below him. The boy across from him was an inch or two shorter and far less built than Keonho.
The boy snorted at the sight. “What’re you gonna do? Punch me?”
Keonho did exactly that, he raised his right arm and swung it. His fist made contact with the boy's cheek and sent him whirling. Keonho watched him stumble back and fall with a look of pure apathy. Chih’s head shot up in surprise, he swallowed as his gaze landed on his team captain who was known in the change room for being toned in a way none of the others could be.
Zhang on the other hand couldn’t have been less affected by the spectacle. His only response was to roll his shoulders and move forward. Keonho may have had the upper hand on the other boy, but Zhang was 6’ and on the boxing team. In the nicest way Keonho could to put it:
He was fucked.
Still, he held his ground because he wouldn’t allow himself to be pushed down by these guys twice.
Zhang looked like a lion who had just spotted his next meal, that meal was Keonho.
Slowly, he closed the small space between them with a level of intensity in his eyes that could kill a small bird.
Zhang swung.
Keonho dodged.
Zhang swung.
Keonho dodged.
Zhang swung.
Keonho didn’t dodge.
Zhang pushed.
Keonho’s back hit the wall.
The taller one grabbed his junior by the collar. “You rat, you think just because you’re mr. popular you can do whatever you want, huh?”
Keonho tried grabbing at the hands holding him up. “Fuck you.”
Zhang raised his arm to hit Keonho again. He closed his eyes, bracing for the boy who had pinned him against the wall to deal the blow. It never came, the only thing that happened was the release of Kenoho's collar and a shout.
“Hey! What the hell man!?”
When Keonho opened his eyes, Chih had his friend by the back of his t-shirt before pushing him forward.
“Let’s go.” Chih’s voice was quiet but firm, he looked over at Keonho “See you at practice”
Keonho was still catching his breath when his mum stormed out of the office.
“What are you doing?”
Keonho swallowed and forced a smile “The chair got uncomfortable"
Daisuke got sent back to Japan before his ten months were up by the rule of his expulsion. Apparently Keonho’s mother had been so harsh, he had admitted to everything through tears. It only took two months until Keonho was back in perfect condition, leading the swim and track team again. His first practice back at swim, Chih En had apologized along with the two other boys that had cornered him.
Keonho was back on top as his coach's whistle blew, marking the completion of his seventh lap.
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Juhoon remembers Korea very vividly, he was 14 when he and his parents moved. It never came as a shock to him that Wyoming was strikingly different from Seoul.
Still, that adjustment period was painful. He just barely spoke English when he went into grade nine, luckily-Martin was his biggest life saver.
The tall boy in his fine arts class immediately stuck to him like glue. Everywhere Juhoon went, you could bet there was a Martin Edwards there too. He would sit with him in class, at lunch, walk home with him despite living in the opposite direction.
It took at least three months before the blond broke through Juhoon's cold barrier. Growing up, he was never one for loud antics. Never one for constant conversation or presence.
And yet, Martin was all those things. In the beginning it was the same routine everyday.
“Hey, Juhoon-ya!”
“What do you want?”
“Wanna come over after school today?”
“No thanks”
Martin was a loud, obnoxious North American in Juhoon's mind, and that was the start and end of it. With the tall boy, he felt like he never had a moment of quiet.
With Martin, there was never a pause to smell fresh soil, or to take a picture of the dusk after it rained, or to just even think. That was what Juhoon lived for, the calm outside that put his mind at peace.
Ever so slightly though, Juhoon started to ease up. Slowly, he started accepting the after school hangout invitations. Started laughing louder than his polite, practiced chuckle. Started letting go of the person he was told to be his whole life.
While he was still indifferent to his other classmates, Martin taught him something. And that something was trust.
Juhoon's family was very well off. His father was a government employed lawyer in Korea. His mother was a media analyst for a private corporation. Both his parents made gross amounts of money.
His mother made money from figuring out how to exploit common people through the media. His father made a living from making innocent people’s requests of aid or justice from damage dealt by the government, seem baseless and idiotic.
But a large part of their wealth was because of Juhoon himself. Large sums of money came from him, starting from before he could even speak.
His parents from the moment they saw his round eyes and full lips, made him a model. Not for generic grocery store brands, or retail stores, but for luxury brands.
And boy did those pay atrocious amounts of money. His parents told him they were putting that money into an account for his future schooling, but reality couldn’t have been more opposit.
His mother had a severe gambling addiction when he was young. The money that was supposed to be for his future was seen as a resource for unhealthy behavior, nothing more.
Juhoon found out when he was ten. He had asked his father one day if he could see the account, he was curious, as little kids are.
That was the day his parents sat him down and told him his mother dried up the account years ago. The account had been long closed when it finally dried up.
Over three-hundred-million in Korean won, two-hundred and forty-thousand USD-he had done the math years ago.
That money, the money for him, the money that was meant to take him places. Just gone. Of course he cared more about the fact his mother was free of her addiction, but it still stung.
That day was also the day Juhoon lost trust in everyone. From the implications of his parents' jobs, to his lost life savings. He only knew distrust.
He went through four years of his life believing everyone only saw him for the things he had to offer.
When his parents packed him up and moved him across the world because his father got an even better paying job, he still thought that.
Martin broke that for him, he showed him that Juhoon was more than his money, or his looks, or his skills. He showed him he was good enough and wanted by others, because he was him. Kim Juhoon was good enough, Kim Juhoon offered a lot by just being around.
The day Martin had stayed home because he was “sick” was the day Juhoon knew he had to give to Martin what he had given him. Hope, identity, love.
He left his house at 7:30pm, he remembers because it was dark out and it had just rained. Juhoon loved the smell of rain and fresh soil. Juhoon loved Martin more though.
So he walked forty minutes to his best friend's house while carrying a guitar case. He didn’t stop to appreciate the smells, he didn’t stop to take a photo, he didn’t stop to think. He went to Martin, he went for Martin.
He quietly entered the Edwards family home through the back door so as to not disturb his parents while they wound down from their work days. Trudged up the stairs with his guitar case, and knocked on his angsty teen friend's door.
“What do you want?” Martins voice was impatient ‘I’m working on something”
Juhoon replied in Korean, because he still hadn’t mastered emotional English.
“I want you to open this door and stop pretending to be sick” His words were firm, but playful.
Being angry at Martin while he was losing himself wasn’t a good idea. It also wasn’t what Juhoon wanted.
The door opened slowly as Martin peeked his head out.
“Why are you here?”
Juhoon shoved the taller one aside and threw the case onto the bed tucked into the corner of the room.
“Dude, you can’t just shove your way into my room. Why are you even he-” Martin was cut off by an acoustic guitar being shoved into his hands.
“Play”
“Wha-”
“Korean, we’re speaking in Korean tonight”
Juhoon was staring straight up at his friend's shocked expression. He analyzed this new facial formation he hadn’t yet seen from the boy above him.
His eyes were narrowed, eyebrows crinkled together, lips parted in a slight “o” shape. There was a slight pink flush blooming at the bottom of his neck, working its way up to his cheeks.
Juhoon thought at that moment, Martin should have been the one to be a model. He was perfectly handsome even in this dumbfounded state.
The flushed boy’s Adam's apple bobbed slightly as he swallowed.
“Juhoon, why are you here?” his Korean was laced with a strangely french accent from his years spent in Ottawa.
“Just play” Juhoon crossed the room again and sat himself on the bed beside his case.
Martin closed the door and sat back down in the swivel chair at his desk. He sucked in a breath, just cradling the guitar in his hands. Looking up to meet the others' eyes, across the room-he just nodded at him.
Long fingers began to strum strings, the room filled with music that lifted a strange weight off of them both. Because Martin wasn’t made for music, music was made for Martin.
The lyrics were a combination of Korean and English. It wasn’t sad or angsty like what Juhoon expected from the situation. It was loud and fun, the song perfectly reflected the person playing it.
And by the time he was done, the room was filled with nothing but the sound of them breathing. Their eyes met and all Martin could muster was a measly
“What do you think?”.
“It’s very…” the older boy trailed off “It’s very you”
Three words, three words was all it took for Martin's face to crumple completely. The other had never heard him make the noises coming from his body.
Broken sobs wrenched through his body in sharp pangs. He shook in a way he never had before, weeks of fear, sadness, anger. It was all coming out at that moment.
For a split second, Juhoon froze-unsure how to help the younger boy in front of him. But he moved shortly thereafter. Crossing the room and pulling the instrument from his hands.
Following his friend's direction, Martin slowly rose from his spot at the desk. Juhoon wrapped his arms around the other's waist and traced small circles on his lower back.
Martin melted into the embrace, hiding his face in brown hair as his sobs continued.
It took seven minutes before he finally calmed, Juhoon knows because he counted. He counted the seconds the boy in his arms broke down in pure, raw emotion. He counted the seconds he trembled in fear, or sadness-he couldn’t tell which, or maybe it was both.
When he pulled out of Juhoon's arms, he couldn’t meet the older eyes looking at him.
“I don’t know why…” He sniffled. “I’m sorry”
Juhoon raised his hand and took the boy's jaw, directing him to be face to face. He pulled his sweater sleeve down his hand and used it to wipe the tears from the boy's face. Once his face was dry, a second hand cupped the other side of his jaw.
“Don’t apologize, you’re here and that’s all that matters” a faint smile played on the brown haired boy's face.
“Thank you Juhoonie”
The following weeks were finally normal. The two talked in Korean, laughed, hung out, pulled antics that should have probably gotten them in trouble.
Martin stopped trying so hard to fit in with everyone around them. He just focussed on the world he and his best friend constantly lived in together.
Juhoon was happy, Juhoon was trusting, Juhoon had finally changed and moved on.
Kim Juhoon was enough, if not for everyone-then at least he was for Martin.
One particular night while hanging out at Martin's house, laying on his bed just staring at his ceiling-he asked a peculiar question.
“Juju”
“Hm?”
“What is the thing you want the most in life?”
Juhoon thought. He turned the question over in his mind a few times. He bit his lower lip and exhaled through his nose. There were many things he wanted in life: peace, happiness, a new basketball. But of course there was one thing that mattered more than anything, one thing he wanted more than anything.
“You”
Martin snorted and turned his head to face the boy beside him, sprawled out and sleepy.
“That’s what you want?”
Juhoon stifled a chuckle as he turned his head identically to face the bright, joyous boy beside him.
James loved to work, loved to study, loved to dance, loved to make time for his little brother-who wasn’t so little anymore.
When Seonghyeon and their mum still lived in Buffalo, things were a lot easier-a lot lighter. James' work load somehow felt heavier when they moved away, and it practically crushed him. He was a full time student, a full time dance instructor, and did contract choreography. Before, that was easy for him-it was easy because of Seonghyeon and their mother.
Seonghyeon would call or text him, and every time he had to say the same thing:
“I’m sorry Eom, I’ve got work”
He knew his brother was struggling to find himself, struggling in school, struggling with friends, struggling with everything. Last time he talked-or listened to him talk, Seonghyeon said he was having troubles in his self confidence. He replied with texts-and he hated that, two weeks after and he still felt horrible.
He texted Seonghyeon again after waking up from a particularly rough night of sleep, just asking how he was doing.
“You’ve got work James, don’t worry-okay? I’m doing fine, I’m sure I’ll see you soon. I love you”
He wanted to scream, to cry, to throw something. All this work was eating him alive, he had assignments due, dance classes to teach, and two choreographies he needed to get done. He felt as though he might rip in half at any point from how thin he was being stretched.
One day, one day off he thought, one day where he could lay in his bed and not do anything. He stared at the ceiling and asked himself why he chose this pathway. Why did he pick computer science as a major? Why did he even go to college? Why did he take a full time position teaching dance? He loved dancing-truely, but he had to give up so much in order to pursue it. Hockey, taekwondo, language learning, and bass all had to go for dance-he regretted it everyday.
He eventually rolled out of bed at 7:00 and threw on his usual dance clothes: gray sweatpants and a black tank top. James was clean, not just in the hygienic way-but appearance wise as well. His jaw was sharp, his torso was lean but built, he had wide shoulders, long muscular legs from years of dancing, and his facial features were angled perfectly and symmetrically. He was physically masculine, in every aspect-a strong shoulder to cry on, a stoic face to scream at. James wished he had a strong shoulder to cry on, or a stoic face to scream at-he used to.
When his family was whole, when he was in Taiwan-his father was there for him. That’s what drives James to be as strong as he appears, because his father was strong. Whenever any of them were sad, whether it was his mother or his older sister or him-his dad was there for everything. After he was adopted-he slowly forgot his fathers face, but he will always remember his voice the day James lost his first hockey game.
“Bàba” tears streaked down his little cheeks. “Am I not good enough?”
“Of course you are Chao.” His fathers strong hand stroked his black hair. “It takes time to get good at things like this.”
“But I’ve already worked so hard.” His reddened eyes burned in the cold of the empty hockey arena.
“Be patient, you are good enough-but sometimes becoming better requires failure.” Even if he can’t remember what his face looked like, he knows his father smiled. He knows his father smiled bright and warm, he knows it made him stop crying.
When they died, James vowed to never give up and to always be the one who reminds others not to either. So many burdens did he carry, but others carried more combined-so he pulled through. James had pulled through since he was six, in fourteen years he never stopped at someone else's door and broke down like others had with him. So no matter how much James wanted that one day off-he would never take it.
There were two dances he needed to choreograph-one was an upbeat, girly song that was called tick-tack. The other was an entrancing, rhythmic song called Déja-vu. He figured while neither were physically easy, the upbeat one may be easier on his mind. Commuting to the dance studio took twenty minutes, so he put his earbuds in and played tick-tack over, and over, and over, and over again the entire bus ride. By the time he arrived-his mind was already buzzing with ideas.
The studio was ice cold when he walked in, his boss was in the practice room cleaning mirrors. Minzy was eleven years James’ senior and had been dancing since before he was even a concept. If anyone knew what conditions were best for dancing-it was Minzy. No matter how much James complained about the temperature, as soon as he started moving-he appreciated it. Still, James voiced his petty complaints despite knowing the response.
“It’s already cold, why turn on the AC?”
Minzy gave him a fake glare from across the studio. “You should know why better than anyone else at this point. Plus, aren’t you used to it after all this time?”
He smiled and shook his head. “No matter how long I’ve lived in cold climates, I’m never used to it.”
Minzi finished the last wipe of a mirror and stood up to properly see James. Anyone who wasn’t blind would be able to see the exhaustion on James’ face-but only Minzi would be able to see the exhaustion on his spirit. She crossed the room and stood directly across from the young man. Over the past few years, the two had developed a sibling-like relationship that flowed like water going down a drain. The two were consistent with each other but in the way where they’d give each other space when needed. Minzi was one of two people in James’ life who let him lean, let him not be the pillar everyone sobs to-even if he didn’t accept it.
“You look tired, are you sleeping okay?”
James turned to his bag and started pulling out his speaker as a distraction. “I just couldn’t fall asleep last night, that’s all.”
“How much work do you have today?” The elder knew the boy in front of her always took on too much work at a time and ended up burning himself out.
“Just two choreographies and three classes.” James knew that was a lot for most people, but he convinced himself it was fine. If his purpose in life wasn’t to work or be there for others, what was it?
Minzi scrunched her eyebrows together in discontent “Do you really think all that is ‘just’? Why don’t I take your classes for the day?”
“It’s fine Minzi, but thanks.”
The silence that fell wasn’t awkward, just weighted. The studio packed with James’ stress and Minzi’s concern would have been suffocating to anyone who didn’t know them.
The older woman asked her next question-quiet this time “Have you talked to Seonghyeon lately?”
Every single bone in James’ body stiffened, he became a statue frozen in time. No matter how much he said he was upset about not seeing Seonghyeon-he never admitted how much it hurt. When his mum and brother moved, it felt like he was being ripped away from his family again-for the third time. Seonghyeon was his last solid, the last person who semi understood how he felt and what he was going through. Now, his little brother was gone and mentally drifting further and further away from their relationship.
When James last talked to their mum about it, she just said that ‘Eom’s stressed’ and to ‘give it time’. James waited, he really did-he stopped text bombing him, stopped calling him randomly, stopped sending him stupid tiktoks. He still did all those things occasionally, but he didn’t want to overwhelm Eom more than he already was.
The day they left, Seonghyeon clung to his older brother and cried. All James did was pat his back and tell him everything would be fine. Looking back, he wished he cried too-wished he showed how much it affected him.
“It’s okay James” Minzi knelt down to where he was still crouched over his bag.
“I feel like a piece of shit” James tried to swipe away tears with the back of his hand.
“You aren’t-but I understand it must be hard, you miss him. Don’t you?
A warm hand on James’ back made him puke up every worry and thought he’d been having.
“Yeah, I do…I really do” the boy sniffled. “I feel like I was too strong for him. When they left-I was rock solid because at the time, I thought that’s what he needed. Now, I think what he needed was emotion-to know I felt the same about parting.”
The woman rubbing his back nodded in understanding.
“Dance.”
James looked up confused. “What?”
“Dance, it always makes you feel better. And I don’t mean choreograph those dances, but just dance” she smiled. “Whenever you dance for yourself, it’s like you go into another world-and I know it helps you.”
James swallowed the lump stuck in his throat and nodded shakily “Okay.”
Like usual, Minzi was absolutely correct. As soon as he started moving freely-for himself, everything went away. His brain cleared, his eyes dried, his muscles relaxed-and James really moved for what felt like the first time in years. He danced with calculated precision, he always thanked hockey for that skill. Every move you make needs to make sense, but needs to happen swiftly-in both dance and hockey.
Before James could notice, it was time for his morning class. If this had happened during any other time, James would have been mortified that he wasn’t prepared. That day though, James only cared about the fact that he had untangled the knot in his brain and body. He knew what he needed to do, what he needed to say, and how he was going to do it.
The rest of his classes went smoothly, no mishaps or big mistakes-just flow. For the first time in weeks, teaching classes felt enjoyable to him. By the end of the day-he even had mostly choreographed one of the dances, he was content with it too. James walked home for the first time in ten months-even though it took him an hour. That entire hour was spent on the phone with his little brother.
Seonghyeon told him about school, and a new music project he and his friends were working on. He was happy, really happy-James was glad he was, but there was a part that still hurt. Eom didn’t need his big brother anymore, because he was big now too. James watched him grow up, watched him grow into the young adult he was the phone with-it was bittersweet to think about.
He got home and breathed, in and out, in and out. He kept breathing-because that’s what he needed to do to survive. James was surviving by a hurdle, he just wasn’t thriving-but what college student does? He called his mum while she was on her break as he was getting ready for bed.
“Do you remember that lullaby you used to sing to me when I was younger and refused to go to bed?”
James’ mothers soft but tired voice came through from the other end. “Of course I do honey”
James exhaled through his nose “You know I don’t like being put to sleep-still, put me to sleep.”
James fell asleep listening to his mothers sweet, melodious voice that night.
Martin's studio wasn’t big, but it definitely wasn’t small either. Walking in, Seonghyeon was automatically greeted by a long desk packed with all the equipment of his dreams. Countless monitors, speakers, a huge DAW controller, audio interfaces, guitars, a keyboard, even a drum set tucked into a corner. The glass above the table showed into the recording booth, adjacent to the desk was a comfortable looking couch and wooden coffee table. The room was covered in paper; sheet music, lyrics, drawings, even just blank paper-it looked as though a hurricane ripped through the space.
Martin plopped down into one of the spinny chairs at the desk and pulled a beat up old macbook out from his backpack. They had come here straight after school, and that’s when Seonghyeon should have known. Martin drove, he had his own car that he said his parents had bought for him as a birthday gift. It wasn’t the falling apart honda most kids his age drove, it was a brand new black Lexus LC with a full black leather interior and a full tank of gas.
At the time, Seonghyeon knew that type of car wasn’t cheap but he didn’t realize how expensive it actually was. Now-looking around at this studio that probably cost more than three months worth of rent, he felt small.
“Do you pay for all of this with your money from working?” Did Seonghyeon know that answer to that question? Yes. However, part of him was hoping for an answer that would make the space less intimidating.
“Nah, everything including the rent is my parents.” Martin was casual about this, that made everything worse
Here Eom Seonghyeon was, standing in a room that had more value than his apartment and the entirety of what lies in it-and he had no clue what to do. For a while, Martin seemed relatable-almost like an older version of Seonghyeon, but this was insane. Why does this seventeen year old boy get everything all the kids Eom grew up with wanted-combined? Is that even fair? Does it even matter whether or not it’s fair?
Seonghyeon rubbed his arm uncomfortably “Then why do you have a job?”
The blond boy spun around and looked at the other, he smiled-almost a sad smile
“Because my parents worked very hard to give me what I have. Just because my parents can pay doesn’t mean they should, I need life skills and independence.”
He paused,looking a little conflicted before motioning for the younger boy to sit in the chair beside him.
“I know it’s a lot, I know it looks like I’m some stupid rich kid who doesn’t appreciate anything. I do though, because it hasn’t always been this way-especially not for my parents. We didn’t have loads of money when I was growing up, until my dad got a really good job offer-which is why we moved here. My mum was able to get her realtors license here too, that’s when we got really lucky.” he took a deep breath. “My parents did this for me because I’ve always loved music and it’s what I want to do. I am very lucky.”
Seonghyeon looked at Martin for a long time before he could say anything.
“Yes, you are very lucky.”
There was nothing to say to that.
“Just write, I know you got it in you”
The two had been brainstorming a song for hours, now sprawled on the couch. There was somehow more paper strung across the coffee table than before as a result of all their failed attempts.
“I’m telling you man, I got nothing” Seonghyeon was getting frustrated now from the hours of work with no outcome.
“Okay, how about I drive you home and we’ll come back to this another day.”
“Fine”
The car ride was silent, Eom still had no clue how to feel about his friend's very nice car. Small raindrops hit the window, illuminated by the streetlights of the downtown sector-it reminded Seonghyeon of a better time
When he and James were younger, their mum would often take them on late night drives-just because it was fun. It was always Seonghyeon's favorite when it rained during these excursions though, regardless of how light or heavy.
Every raindrop that hit his window would make a sound that could never be replicated by another. All of the droplets together made an orchestra that didn’t need to be directed in order to work together-they just needed each other. Their mum used to call them joyrides because she said it was when the three of them were happiest.
Soon enough-they stopped outside of the now all too familiar boring gray concrete apartment building.
“Like I said, just write.” Martin smiled at his junior while he got out of the car
“I’ll do my best, thank you for today”
“It was my pleasure, you make good company Seonghyeon”
“So do you Martin”
They smiled and waved before parting ways.
Seonghyeon's mum said something that really made him think.
“Write about something that was raw love for you, something that really brought you joy.”
He had asked why she was saying it only in past tense, she said that “you love the things you don’t have anymore the most.” So that’s what he did, sitting on the cold floor of his room-he wrote about what he loved the most.
Many people may say he loves James the most, or fashion, but the one thing Eom Seonghyeon loved the most in life was life. Since he was little he always saw what life had to offer, and recently-he lost that. There was one thing he promised himself after getting home from Martin's studio that night “I will love life”. The song took him exactly one week to write, and it was raw, and beautiful, and full of life, and it was Seonghyeon.
“Just like fried eggs and pancakes?”
The first thing Seonghyeon did after finishing the song was call Martin. They were on the couch of his studio again, reading the lyrics to Seonghyeon's life.
“My mum used to make fried eggs and pancakes for me and James on our birthdays”
“Dude, ‘we have dreamed of a fleeting liberation’ is like…”
“What? Is there something grammatically incorrect with that?”
Martin looked straight at Seonghyeon, eyes glimmering with admiration.
“No, it’s beautiful-and this is just…you?”
“Yeah” the brunette boy smiled for no reason in paticular-just because he could “It’s just me-just life.”
Martin didn’t speak, he just looked-he looked for a long while. It was the younger one who had to break the silence.
“I was thinking we should change some of the lyrics to Korean”
Martin practically flew out of the spot where he was seated on the couch.
“Yes! Oh my god, yes! Eom Seonghyeon you musical genius!”
The next few hours of work was worth it this time, because they actually had a song. Well, lyrics to a song at least-but that was the best they could have asked for.
“I think we have to get the other two on this.”
“What?” Seonghyeon was more confused by that than anything he had tried to learn in history class. “But Keonho said he knows nothing about music”
“That kid may not know anything technical about music, but man can he sing”
“And Juhoon?”
“Junie can sing and plays the piano, he loves it too” Martin fully turned to the boy beside him “They’ll love this”
“Are you sure, I mean-they don’t seem as involved in music as us. Not Keonho at least.”
“It doesn’t take anything special to know a good song when you hear it”
“Oh” Seonghyeon was rendered speechless. His music? Good?
“I’ll talk to them tonight and start working on some composition ideas, okay?”
“Yeah, sure-thanks”
Seonghyeon moved through the rest of that week dazed and buzzing at the same time. All he could think about was the song and what Martin had said, it was good. The very thing he never wanted anyone to read or hear was getting praised, and that was ground breaking for him. Music was a passion-of course, but he never realized how good it felt to make something he was proud of.
Lunch was a blur of the four boys talking about who would sing what, how the composition should sound, what it should be called. That last part wasn’t too popular of a topic though, everyone agreed that it was Seonghyeon who would name it.
The studio seemed much smaller when there were four bodies instead of two occupying the space. Currently-Keonho and Seonghyeon were on the couch arguing over who got one of the math problems on their homework correct. Juhoon was sitting in one of the swivel chairs, aimlessly scrolling on his phone while waiting for his tall companion to finish whatever he was doing beside him.
“Okay guys” Martin stood up and clapped his hands together “I got the line arrangement worked out”
All three boys paused and looked up at once, excited to hear the master plan.
“You two” Martin pointed at the two almost-twins “You guys are doing the vocals” the two fingers turned on himself and Juhoon “And Hoon and I will do the rap and maybe some smaller vocals, okay?”
They all burst out into a unanimous agreement with what had been proposed.
Keonho was the first in the recording booth, and Martin was absolutely right. His vocals were beautiful, almost perfect. The only way to describe how they sounded was like watching butter melt on toast that was just taken out of the toaster.
His vocals mixed beautifully with the composition Martin and Seonghyeon had come up with throughout the week. Eom had been appointed the second pair of producer's headphones by the group because they insisted it was his song. The next line was short and belonged to Martin. To be fully transparent, his vocals weren’t as satisfying to listen to-but still incredible.
Seonghyeon had never been in a recording booth before, it was cool he thought-just like its owner.
“Alright Eomma” Martin flashed him a mischievous grin through the glass. “Let’s see if you’re as spectacular at singing as you are at writing.”
Eom laughed “Woah, I’m not feeling any pressure at all”
“You aren’t going to say anything about the nickname?”
“Nope”
When Seonghyeon sang, he felt as though the rest of the world melted away. The music started and he just sang, but he didn’t really just sing. He poured every emotion he felt while writing the song-while living the song into the microphone. Eom Seonghyeon didn’t sing, he expressed-he expressed connection to the world around him, he expressed human. When he sings, he’s gone-almost in another world, he was so far away that he didn’t even realize he was done until he heard his tall friend's voice.
“Holy shit dude”
Seonghyeon opened his eyes, only to be met with three pairs staring right back at him-wide eyed. Martin’s jaw was practically on the floor, Keonho looked like a deer in headlights, and Juhoon was just smiling. The quiet boy turned to Keonho with a flare Eom had never witnessed before.
“I think you got some competition Ahn”
“The competition crossed the finish line half an hour before him” Martin's jaw moved again after being unhinged for so long.
After everyone recovered from the shock, Seonghyeon exchanged his spot in the booth with Juhoon-who’s vocals were also amazing. Soon-it was time for Martin to record his rap. Seonghyeon was expecting good, but Martin was genuinely one of the best rappers he’d ever heard. It didn’t matter how slow those lines were-he knew from Martin's tone and delivery- they were perfect on his first try. Juhoon's rap was also good-but he seemed to enjoy vocals far more.
It was ten o’clock at night when Martin and Seonghyeon finally finished the song. The two other boys had left a while ago and it was just the two of them now. Never once had Eom felt so comfortable in this hobby of his. Music was always a way to get his emotions out, it was always tense and raw. This however, this was real fun-something that he hadn’t had in a while.
“You know how I wrote this song about life, about enjoying it specifically?”
“Yeah?” Martin was on the verge of passing out at that point.
“I think this helped me enjoy it much more” Seonghyeon was smiling, because he felt alive for the first time in months. No longer was he moving through life on auto pilot-he was thinking, he was feeling.
“So Eomma” Martin’s eyebrow raised inquisitively “What’re you going to name it?”
“I think…” He paused-thought for a second, back to the car ride with Martin that first night of the endeavor. That car ride was really the thing responsible for his current joy, and the joy he had felt leading up to the moment. That car ride brought up countless memories that made Seonghyeon come to life-and he thought about what his mum used to say.
James has always been a busy person, always. Somehow though, there was always room for Seonghyeon-because James made sure of it. Since Seonghyeon moved a month and a half ago, he has received a total of eight texts from his older brother, on a normal week he gets thirty or more.
If someone came up to Seonghyeon and asked him what he missed the most about Buffalo, it would absolutely and without a doubt be James.
Ever since Seonghyeon can remember, James was his best friend and the only person who truly spoke his language. No one could ever trump James’ position in Seonghyeon's ladder of being, he was the best of the best. However, in the ways of the world-you must always give something up to gain something else.
This was Seonghyeon's 4th attempt to call James this week, the response was always the same.
“I’m sorry Eom, things are busy right now”
Not once in his life had Seonghyeon ever left a voicemail for anyone, not even his family doctor. For whatever reason though , today was different-lately he just needed his older brother. So he called and let it ring, and ring, and ring, and ring, until the much too familiar voice came from the other side.
“Hey! You’ve reached the voicemail of James Chao, sorry I couldn’t answer the phone right now. You can call again later or-at the tone, leave a message.”
He drew in a breath, he had heard the beginning of that a few times already-but hearing James’ voice really made him realize how much he missed him.
“Hey James, I know you're busy and stressed all the time so you don’t really need my stuff on top of that. But honestly, I just want to talk about the stuff that’s been happening since we moved. Remember when mum and I first moved? I was absolutely set on the idea that nothing would go right-that these were about to be the two most miserable years of my life. I never really talked to you about Keonho or the rest of my friends-I know I told you that they’re around but nothing more. There’s Martin-he’s super tall and there’s his best friend Juhoon as well. Juhoon is quiet but intimidating, kinda like you. And I mean of course there’s Keonho, he isn’t better then the other two or anything he’s just different. I’ve always been weirdly drawn to him, like he just pulls the best out of me.”
Seonghyeon started to pick at the skin on his lips as he took a shaky breath in.
“Speaking of weird, there was this thing that happened. I don’t even know what it was but I just kinda, changed…I guess. I’m not sure if you’d remember, but when we were younger Nana would call me Sean. Back then I didn't like it but I also didn’t really get it, but this past month it really got under my skin.”
He looked at the spot on his wall where that shadow had been, ever changing and almost ugly.
“The past month made me feel like I lost a piece of myself, or maybe I just lost myself entirely. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if Nana had possessed me in an attempt to make me her ‘perfect boy’. I’ve never felt so disconnected from myself but connected at the same time, like there are these two paths inside of me. One path is for me-Seonghyeon, it’s a path where I’m truly myself and I’m surrounded by others like me. The second path-is for Sean, he’s the one who fits in, the one everyone likes. You know though, Martin is super authentic-like a glass of straight Martin Edwards with pulp, and he’s still popular. Part of me wonders if that is the real Martin or not, or if he traded something in for what he has. I don’t ever want to step foot on that path again, it was really scary not knowing who Seonghyeon is. Keonho is the one who pulled me back onto my path, the path that suits me. He just came to the door one day and told me whatever I was going through was okay, that he’s here for me-and he is.”
He fiddled with the bottom hem of his jeans and bit back tears.
“I miss you, a lot. Everything I see reminds me of what life was like in Buffalo with you. I don’t think I’ll ever get over this weird feeling of hoping to see you. It was way worse when we moved, recently it’s just been at a standstill no matter what I do.”
Seonghyeon swallowed the growing lump in his throat.
“I should go study, plus I look stupid sitting here talking to myself. I love you James, I hope I can see you soon.”
A beep resonated from the phone as he hung up. Seonghyeon's back was pushed against the wall, the crown of his head in the same position. The ceiling provided some calm to his mix of emotions, filling his senses with nothing but slightly dirty plaster. That white static was still sitting the the back of his head like a cruel reminder of his unfortunate few months.
Seonghyeon had been spacing out a lot recently, it was no different at the moment. He was just thinking, not about anything in particular, just anything he could. His phone vibrated in his hands pulling him out of whatever trance he was in, surprisingly-it was Martin.
“Hey man, I work near your place and just got off work, wanna chill?”
“You know where I live?”
“Keonho told me”
“I figured”
“Sooooo is that a yes?”
“Sure”
“Lessss gooooo see you in 5”
“My sister used to live in this apartment complex. It's nice here. I like it.”
Seonghyeon would hardly call this apartment nice, maybe it’s just because they still aren’t fully moved-in, but then again-it was Martin. The lanky boy always had a way of lighting up whatever space he was in.
The two made their way to Seonghyeon's room and the taller one hit the bed like he’d never experienced comfort before.
“Your bed’s nice” Martin's voice was filtered by the blanket he had his face buried in.
Seonghyeon took a seat at the head of his bed “Yeah, it’s nice I guess”
“You have no idea how nice it is after a six hour shift of just standing around”
“I bet”
Seonghyeon's phone chimed once, twice, three times, and a fourth before he silenced it. The blond stuck his head up, a sly smirk playing at his face.
“Yooooo, someone wants your attention. Does Mr. New York have a girl I should’ve been told about?”
Seonghyeon scoffed “No, I do not have a girlfriend”
“Woah woah woah, never said it had to be a girlfriend”
Brown eyes rolled as Eom challenged the other “You know what, why don’t I just tell you who it’s from” he picked up the phone and unlocked it, his chest tightened-it was James.
“Hey kid, I’m sorry I didn’t take your call, or return it. You’re right, I am really busy and REALLY stressed out but I did listen to the voicemail”
“I remember that name Nana gave you-Sean, you hated it. Whatever path you want to take, take it-but just remember: Sean has never been you. You are a kind person with a very strong connection to who you are, don’t let yourself lose that. I’m glad there’re people there for you though, even though I wish it was me.”
“I like the sound of these kids from what you’ve told me, they seem nice. That Keonho kid though, he sounds right for you. He showed up for you when you needed someone to, in my opinion-that’s what makes a pretty damn good friend. Also, talk to this Martin guy, he might have something good to say.”
“I’m sure I’ll see you soon, until then-just hold on. Try to get your feet on the ground though, if not for your sake-then for mum’s. You’re an amazing person who I believe can do anything, and this is no different. I love you Eom.”
“Hey, are you okay? You’re crying.” Martin's worried voice was an ice bucket reminder that Seonghyeon was in fact not alone.
“Uh yeah” he made haste of wiping his tears away “It was just my brother, I called him earlier so he was just responding to the voicemail I left him”
Martin sat up on the bed slowly, crossing his legs “Do you wanna talk about it?”
Seonghyeon took a deep breath. Of course he wanted to talk about it, but the thought of Martin judging made him pause. At the same time though, out of everyone in their friendgroup-he would be the one to understand the most. Seonghyeon didn’t know much about Martin, but he wanted to.
“It was just about how I've been feeling lately, how I was acting. Y’know?
“Mmmmm yes, or as I like to call it: The great wasian crisis of high school.”
Seonghyeon started to laugh at the bizarre reply “The great wasian crisis of highschool?”
“Yea dude, it happens to all of us at least once.” Martin had the same grin from the first day they met, but he quickly turned serious “Talk to me about it”
“That has to be the all time low of my life, I was so…gone.” Eom took a pause “I said to my brother it was as if I lost a piece of myself or myself entirely.”
Martin nodded along to what was being said.
“When I was younger, my Nana would call me Sean because she didn’t like that my name was Korean. She hated that I was Korean actually, for whatever reason.”
Martin hummed before chiming in “What about your brother? Did she do the same to him?”
Seonghyeon shook his head “Worse actually, my brother’s adopted sp she just ignored his existence. She did the name thing to my sister though.”
The blond's eyes widened “You have a sister? You never mentioned that”
“You never mentioned yours until today either, but yeah, she’s two years younger than me. Still lives in Korea with my dad though, which is why I never talk about her.” he hung his head “It never really bothered her when my Nana did that because she doesn’t speak English. For some reason though, it just ate me alive from the inside out. That month when I was Sean, I didn’t do anything I like-actually, I didn’t do anything at all. In fact, I felt so utterly incapable of doing anything because I felt like a shell of what a human is supposed to be.”
Martin sat for a few beats before speaking in a soft tone “Sounds exactly like what I went through when I first moved.”
“What?”
“I moved from Ottawa when I was thirteen, god was it a disaster. The exact same thing happened to me, I started trying to fit in more with the people around me-especially because our school was way less diverse when I first moved. There were two things that dragged me out of that.”
Seonghyeon was curious now, he had never heard this story before. “What were they?”
“Kim Juhoon and music, and it seems to me that our stories continue to be similar. Because when I tried to push away my Korean, when I tried to be more appealing to the people around me-I wasn’t me. Juhoon noticed it when no one else did, talked to me in Korean and handed me his guitar. When you and Juhoon got into that disagreement, man did he feel like shit because of what I went through. Keonho pulled you up Seonghyeon and while he can’t hand you a guitar, he can tell someone who gets it to ask. So what’s up with you and that love of music.”
Seonghyeon was stunned at this, the fact Martin went through practically the same thing as him. Suddenly his dynamic with Juhoon made sense, they were there for each other before anyone else was. What Seonghyeon had said to James was true: Martin is just himself-not watered down in any way to appeal to others.
“My love of music? I mean, it just got me through a lot. Who doesn’t like mus-”
“No no no” Martin cut him off, shaking his head. “That’s enjoying music, you said that music is your world. That tells me you do something with music, so what is it?”
Martin was right, there was more to music for Seonghyeon than just listening and enjoying it. The thing with that though, is that it’s supposed to be just for Seonghyeon. All the crappy vocals he recorded in his closet at night, all the sloppy rap he stumbled over hundreds of times before getting it right, and the consistently failed attempts at composition. That was his, only for him, but Martin said it helped him-so he understands.
“I like to write, and I try to compose” Seonghyeon toyed with the strings of his hoodie. He didn’t know why-but a thick heat of embarrassment settled under his cheeks.
“Do you ever bring those lyrics to life with your voice?”
“Sometimes I rap, but I like singing the most”
Martin nodded “I figured, you’ve got the pretty face of a vocalist”
Seonghyeon didn’t know what to say in return
“You’re impressive, I could produce and compose hundreds of songs but if no one sings them, it wouldn’t matter very much”
The younger boy looked up “You produce and compose?”
“Yep, I’ve got a studio and everything-not too much of a singer though. I mean I guess I can rap but don’t ask me to do vocals.”
“That’s really cool, I can’t compose to save my life”
Martin smiled “Why don’t you start coming to the studio with me?”
Shoes carry us through a lot, we rely on them for support, they protect us from stones and glass and thorns. Shoes don’t last forever though, eventually they fall apart-the glue weakens and exposes the person underneath. Not everyone can get new shoes or even fix their shoes, they just walk around until they can no longer stand.
A pair of black air forces sat in the corner of Sean’s room, alluding to whoever was here. Earlier in the month he had found them on the indoor mat of the front door beside his black converse. The air forces look like they’ve been through so much-all scuffed and beaten up. The converse though? They were new and pretty, they had never been hurt.
He’s used to it now, he doesn’t know why his name used to make him flinch or tense. Now it was almost normal, almost-for the fact Keonho started looking at him weird. One week-one week Sean had known Keonho, and it already seemed like he wanted him gone-back to Buffalo.
If he was telling the truth-he didn’t want to, it was nice here. Before he had been so apprehensive about this place, like it was all horrible, all wrong-but it wasn’t. It was just a normal city full of normal kids like Sean-he was a normal kid.
School was normal on Monday-until lunch rolled around. Sean and Keonho sat down with Juhoon and Martin as always but this time something felt wrong-heavy. Sean was looking at his phone when Martin's voice came through like radio static.
“Yo, Seonghyeon”
“Hm?” Sean kept his eyes on his phone, he didn’t want to acknowledge Martin much.
“Why aren’t you speaking Korean with us anymore?”
Sean's world froze, everything went still-what? What does Martin mean? His mind whirled, he let out a small cough before finally looking up to meet Martins eyes
“I don’t know” he shrugged “I guess I’m just so used to speaking English all the time”
“You only talked to us in Korean for the first two weeks of school” Juhoon was surprisingly audible, it made Sean feel even worse.
“I really don’t know what you want me to say, plus why do you guys even care that much.”
Every single thing at the table stopped-breathing, forks, body movement, everything. Sean looked around at the three frozen faces in front of him. Juhoon was the first to clear his throat and speak.
“We care because you're our friend” his voice was soft but his eyes? His eyes weren't necessarily angry, just pissed off.
“You seemed really happy speaking Korean with us” Keonho, who usually didn’t interact with things like this, had a quiet voice. Sean just looked between the two of them, before shifting his eyes to Martin-Martin who was still frozen looking at Sean, but he spoke.
“Dude, what’s going on?”
Why does everyone keep asking that?
“Nothing’s going on” Sean's voice was cold and agitated.
“Very convincing” Juhoons mumble was like a spark plug igniting something in Sean's head
“Shut up Juhoon”
Whatever voices or heads were still frozen weren’t anymore. All three boys snapped their heads up again, staring directly at Sean.
“Excuse me?” Juhoon's voice was slow and calm, much too calm
Martin was petrified, scrambling to disarm the bomb that he calls a best friend
“Juhoonie, he was just joking you know? Nothing serious-Right Eom?” Martin was panicking, laughing over his words. Juhoon held up one hand to Martin while burning holes into Sean with his eyes.
One word, one word was all it took for the world around Sean to fall
“Leave”
Sean didn’t go to the gym that afternoon, he walked straight home. He knew his mum would get a call from the school-but that didn’t matter to him. He stepped in the front door of the apartment, took his shoes off and walked to the room. He sat down on the bed and looked at his phone, 3 missed texts-all from Keonho
“Bro wtf was that???”
“Please talk to me Eom, just tell me what’s going on”
“I’m sorry”
Sean didn’t reply to any of them. He fell against the bed and stared at the ceiling, where did he go wrong? Why was it so ridiculous to want to fit in with everyone around him? His phone buzzed again-he sat up and looked, Juhoon this time.
“I’m sorry, whatever is going on-it’s none of our business unless you want it to be. I was angry and I shouldn’t have been, please understand.”
Sean didn’t understand, maybe Seonghyeon would have but he isn’t Seonghyeon. He looked at his phone, at that message for what felt like forever. A knock at the door snapped him out of the trance, why was someone at the door? He didn’t order anything, maybe his mum did.
Lazily, he made his way out of the room and to the front door and pushed it open. Keonho was standing with his hands in his pockets and an expression that could only be described as defeat. Every fire that had been reduced to embers in Sean's body suddenly reignited.
“Why are you here?”
“I want to talk” Keonho looked like he was on the verge of tears, but tears cannot extinguish a fire that’s been spreading for a month.
“I never gave you my address”
“It’s on your emergency form”
“You looked at my school records?”
“I asked for your school records”
Sean was already done. “And they just gave them to you?” he snapped his fingers “Like that?”
Keonho looked down and shuffled his feet “I said I was worried for you, that I just wanted to check up on you”
“Excuse me?”
Sean wanted to slam the door shut right in Keonho’s perfect face, but something deep in him stopped it.
“Look” Keonho looked up, scratching his eyebrow and sighing “Seonghyeon, I know what it feels like. You’re alone an-”
“I’m not alone”
“Yes you are. For Christ's sake, you packed up your entire life and left everything behind for a city in an entirely new part of the country. I don’t know exactly what you’re thinking or how you feel, but I’ve had a similar experience. You think no one sees it, that no one sees the change-but we do, I do. Whatever you’ve done to convince yourself of this character, this ‘Sean’ dude, do the same thing to convince yourself of Eom Seonghyeon. Man, when you speak Korean, it’s like you’ve never been happier. Please just talk to us, talk to me about whatever made this switch happen. You’re an amazing person under this hostile new mask-stop whitewashing yourself Seonghyeon. Please just let me know how I can help, because I know I can.” Keonho was pleading at this point, he looked completely devastated.
Sean swallowed.
“I don’t need your help”
The door shut in Keonho’s face, the October breeze made him shiver.
He couldn’t sleep that night, not that he can sleep any night in that forsaken room. Light from outside cast shadows around the room, they danced and laughed. The shadows looked like they had not a single worry in the world, to Seam-they spoke a language of their own.
A tall shadow bounced more than the others, a sharp one moved in quiet mystery, the pretty one surrounded the others like the sun, and the dull one that kept changing shapes moved in and out. The lights outside shifted, and all that was left was the constantly changing one, it went from happy and alive to stiff and bleak.
He doesn’t know when the change happened, or how it happened. But at 7:30 a pair of black air forces crossed the threshold of an apartment into the beautiful almost fox-like orange of October streets.
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Keonho knew from the moment he laid eyes on Eom Seonghyeon stumbling into class that he was a mystery. Usually, Keonho stayed away from people like that-he figured it was some weird self preservation thing.
It wasn’t like Keonho went around befriending every Asian person he saw. Scratch that, it wasn’t like Keonho went around befriending every person he saw-the opposite actually. He couldn’t tell you exactly why he went up to Seonghyeon, there was just something that drew him in.
From the start, Keonho knew Seonghyeon was a language he, and no one else in this town-or this state could speak yet. He knew there were people who could speak it-in Buffalo, New York, in Korea too. It had only been a week since he’d known the quiet boy from New York-but he knew that one day he’d speak that language too, even if he was the only one who could.
No one asked why Seonghyeon moved from Korea at such a young age.
No one asked why he moved all the way to Wyoming of all places from New York.
No one asked why he was so quiet.
No one asked why he didn’t style his uniform, even though they were allowed to-and he knew so.
No one asked why he didn’t eat anything at lunch.
No one asked why he got flustered when someone pointed out that he was Wasian.
No one asked why he didn’t talk about his family.
No one asked asked why he went stiff when someone called him Sean
And no one asked why he changed his choice of perfectly good shoes after the first day of school.
“Do you speak Korean, or are you one of those Korean kids who want to be white?” Martin cocked an eyebrow
He felt his entire body go rigid, a small voice in his head persisted Sean, Sean, Sean. Now, he knew more than ever-now was his time to put that voice to rest.
“Korean is my first language, and no-I don’t want to be white”
Martin whistled, switching the conversation to Korean.
“First language huh? Were you born there orrrrr?”
“I was born in Daejeon and lived there until I was five, then I moved to Buffalo with my mom and brother”
Martin clicked his tongue in amusement “No shot, Turtle here was born and raised in Seoul”
“Turtle?”
Keonho chimed in “That’s what we call Juhoon, I mean look at the dude- he is a turtle. Plus he’s got two at home”
Now that Keonho mentioned it, Seonghyeon had never seen anyone look so much like an animal until now. “Oh, what're the turtle's names?”
“Hm?” Juhoon glanced up from the sandwich he was eating “Oh” he raised his head, wiping crumbs from the corner of his mouth “Choco and the other one doesn’t have a name”
“Isn’t that so cool?? Like not naming your turtle is just so…punk.” Martin patted Juhoon on the back, getting a cold glare in return “Keep breaking those social norms Juhoonie”
“I just never bothered naming it” Juhoon muttered back
While the three of them were nattering, Keonho was constantly being approached by people their age. Guys would ask about sports season, girls would ask about homework-even though it was the first day and Keonho definitely wasn’t the guy to ask about school work.
When the rush hour of people crawling for Kenoho's attention was over, he turned around and sighed.
“I remember when it was like that for me during the grade 9-11 popularity period of “Let’s all go talk to Martin right now, at the same time " sucks balls dude”. Martin's words may have been comforting but his toothy grin said either wise.
“I find that hard to believe,” Seonghyeon scoffed at the two words “popularity” and “Martin” being used in the same sentence. So far, that guy seemed like a total geek.
“Nah, Tin’s like the most popular guy in our grade” the words came out of Juhoon between sips from his water bottle
“Seriuosly?” Seonghyeon was shocked, Martin? Popular? Well sure he had the looks and style for it but he just seemed like such a doofus.
“Yes sir ski, grade 12s are just a lot more chill you know” Martin gave a wink as the bell rang, ending lunch.
English class was easy enough, it was the one class he had without Keonho so there was some quiet. The teacher was nice-though he didn’t remember her name he knew he’d learn it eventually.
The period flew by and before he knew it, third period had ended which meant the class he was looking forward to most was next: gym.
The school's gymnasium was huge, easily twice the size as Seonghyeon's old school. Keonho waved him over to a group of guys he was standing with in the corner.
There were five others-one of them being Martin, each boy excluding the former introduced themselves as Woojin, Nathen, Andy, and Jongseob-but everyone just calls him “Seob”
“My name’s Seonghyeon, nice to meet you” Seonghyeon smiled at the group, feeling a sense of belonging.
Nathen spoke up first “You chill if I call you Sean?”
The front door clicked shut softly behind him, shoes came off before the trek to that room was made. His bag hit the floor with a loud thud, first the tie came off, then the blazer, then the shirt, then the pants.
“Welcome home Sean”.
He looked around the room, at a stranger's clothes in a closet that didn’t belong to him. The bed wasn’t his, the desk wasn’t either-someone lived here for a very clearly short period of time.
No trace stayed of whoever was here before, the place was not his and yet-something said
