♱

walking a mile in the shoes of someone you dislike is actually kinda awesome because not only are you now a mile away from that idiot but you also have their shoes

He was as tall as he was tall, and his eyes were the color they were. To describe his hair one would say that he had some. His face had all the features you'd expect, and none of the ones you wouldn't. "There he is," people would often say of him, but only when he was there. And they were right.

Under communism the wait staff will not ask if Pepsi is okay. You will not even find out that's its Pepsi instead of coke until you take your first sip. Unless you train like me, to know the difference from the sound of the Fizz alone, that is the only way we can beat communism and I can teach you. Take my hand. Not like that you grabbed it gay. Stop. Giggles. I SAID STOP

dating simulator where it starts normal but it slowly becomes clear that all of the romanceable characters are attempting to cover up an extremely specific murder they committed a year ago before you arrived

i like it when people compliment me. i like it... when people like me. (looks around to make sure nobody is about to shoot me)

resurrected dead wife watching her own montage: wow I looked so hot in that

Not book smart or street smart but a secret third thing.

supid

supid.

ads targeted to women: omg you are thirtyyyy. kill yourself

guy from 6000 bc after having all human knowledge of the history of civilization and culture beamed into his brain: can you show me that "meta knight" fellow again? i find him quite bad ass...

morally grey in the club tonihgt hitting every move questionable style. latr ill go into the bathroom and stare at my reflection for like five minutes just because i wanna

being a vampire with DID would suck so fucking bad everyone would ask stuff like "what was it like when they invented electricity" and you'd have to be like i dont knowowww i was having some sort of episode and i think i lived in the forest alone for like a century around the time but im not sure i dont really remember. Then they're like "well you must have had a lot of time to hone skills and learn new ones?" and you're like no not really i cant stick to anything because some other guy in my brain will give it up so i mostly was making finger paintings in caves. and they're like "oh cool are you from like caveman times" and youre like no i was turned during the siege of constantinople 😭 and they're like "oh what was that like" and you're like I DON'T KNOWOWWW