Mellosurf

I freaked out on my grandmother and I should know better. she's 74 and can't help it. This weekend I was planning to catch up on homework and just do my own thing. She had 3 doctors appointments in 2 days and makes it a whole day thing of going to other places and out to eat. She doesn't get out much due to her health problems. Anyways my actions were uncalled for....

I'm not valued... I don't think there is a worse feeling than that. I do everything I can and it's not good enough. Idk anymore I feel so lost.

I fall for people who are thousands of miles away from me, well 1500 to be exact... least it's not another country. I have known this girl for 7 years and she is pretty amazing. I feel like I can tell her anything and be myself. Lately everything has been turned upside down. It mostly my fault because I can't fully trust anyone. Not only that but I have been angry and I feel I can't stop it. I take it out on her and she doesn't do really anything wrong. It's the little shit that bothers me and it's stupid. I make her cry sometimes... she is sensitive. I guess most girls are. After I'm angry I get depressed because I made her cry and I know she doesn't deserve any of my anger. I have codependency... it's bad. I have to know everything she is doing and if she doesn't text for some amount of time then I am angry and accuse her of cheating. This shouldn't happen but it is. I have pushed her away by not texting much and not accepting her calls for 2 weeks. She doesn't understand why I'm doing this and feels like it's her fault. I told her it's not. I'm holding her back and just making her feel bad. I'm going to get help because it's been this way with most of my relationships. It's why I'm always single. well that and the fact I don't look like a barbie, wtvr tho.

I'm pretty sure I'm doomed for life.... I get myself in the shittiest situations and what's worse is that they're never intended. How does this happen? When the fuck will it stop? Fuck!

So I talked a bit about my used to be best friend and how things went wrong between her and I. Twenty-four year friendship gone because she decided I was her enemy with communication immediately halted without warning. I nearly went nuts trying to figure out why this happened. I never thought things could end up this way after everything her and I been through. So many good memories but there were also bad times. We talked about anything and everything. We were attached at the hip when we were kids, playing when the sun was up till it went down. I learned that you don't have to be blood related to be family. She was the sister I never had..... My point of this is that today after 10 months she text me. "I know you hate me but I'm having a BBQ tonight. Feel free to come and grab a beer at least. Or invite a couple of your friends for your bday and you can join in on the beer pong." My emotions ran wild when I got this text. Half of me wanted to go and hang out with her and have a beer like old times. The other half was sad because I knew it wouldn't be the same. It would be awkward and the tension would be high because I know she will act like nothing happened between us. I would be possibly walking into a trap with her friends around and be the inside joke. It took every ounce of my being not to walk behind my house to see her because for the last 10 months that's pretty much all I wanted to do. I finally responded to her text after an hour. "I dont hate you. Thanks for the invite but maybe another time. Enjoy your night." Here is the thing, I want a full discussion of what went wrong and why I was tossed away like garbage. I want to know why because all I felt was loss and my heart was broken by the fact I was suddenly garbage to her. I wanted to basically die because I felt so unwanted and deserted by the one who I trusted most. I stayed in bed for 6 months, depressed and lost. I gained even more weight because food eased the pain. I felt so worthless and so I want answers. She just wont give them to me... January, I told myself that all I was doing was pissing away my life laying in bed dreading over someone who is continuing her everyday life without me and that anyday now she will apologize. I got to a day where I had enough and that i was past apologies and feeling bad about myself. I enrolled into school so I wouldn't be home all the time hating life. I decided that shit happens and life goes on. In 7 days I will have completed my first semester of college and will be attending summer classes while looking for part time work. I feel stronger than ever.

So it maybe awhile before I come out of the closet.... I can't even start transition till my grandmother passes away. As fucked up as it sounds, she doesn't need the added stress and confusion. I refuse to do that to her, so sacrifices are in order and it's a set back but I'll live. First, I have to drop at least 80lbs cause transition will be much easier that way. Second, official name change to Aaron. I really want it to be official on a certain day... I wonder if that's possible. Anyways paperwork Third, I naturally boost testosterone by eating foods and other stuff. No needles yet. Fourth, work on my official coming out video. It's going to be a rather long video, Hopefully no longer than 10mins. It will explain what transgender is, I'll tell my family and friends history of how I knew I wasn't in the right body, what my future will look like while transitioning, etc... I'll most likely cry in the video but it's cause I'm an emotional being and well I'll be absolutely nervous and scared once the video is on YouTube and my page. I will have to be ready to lose people I love. It won't be easy. Fifth, find and go to a gender therapist Sixth, I keep working on 1 through 5 until.... my grandmother goes I guess :/ Seventh, start hormones Eighth, look for very good surgeons for top surgery Ninth, raise/save money Tenth, set date of surgery Anyways so far that's the plan...

Sooooooo I'm a big over thinker and I tend to react fast in a situation and cause it to become a bigger deal than it is... my whole family does that unfortunately. Anyways things are okay now. I freaked out last night cause I just feel so vulnerable and gullible all the time. I mean I can't lie cause it's just too obvious and well I hate lying. Anyways everything turned out okay.

I guess I shouldn't write on my page anymore... well at least anything about me, personally. I forgot some know me here and I written some deep things that can be used against me. Doesn't matter how small the attack was, I don't appreciate being disrespected. Granted, I did say a word that is racist. It is said alot today and it's partly why we have a divided world. I didn't mean it racist but that's no excuse. I'm debating on if I should delete this account and start over. idk it's late and I'm probably over thinking stuff. Lesson learned...

So I have midterms today and I cannot focus to study... My mind wants to think about how I fucked up in the past and all those imes I got drunk and did idiot things. Which weren't even that idiotic... I freaked out, I cried... like nuts but it happens I guess. In not sure why I'm dwelling on things that happened a year or more ago. I'm sure everyone else don't even remember but here I am thinking of why I was on the bathroom floor crying.... I still have no clue why. I'm trying to find answers but sometimes there are no answers for things that happen. It's okay and I'm okay.

me: yikes yikes yikes yikes yikes yik

These thoughts won't stop I try to drown them with chemicals That only semi treat me or make me even more psychotic The current ones I feel have become immune I may have to start over... I'm so tired of starting over Ptsd and depression has ruined me Ruined the career I wanted Ruined relationships and friendships Ruined... just ruined everything Somedays I feel like putting a gun to my head Even if I did the first time I wouldn't pull the trigger... Even if I did the second time I wouldn't pull the trigger... I would just feel the steel against my head Knowing that I could end what I feel with one motion For that second I would feel okay as I close my eyes No more reels replaying in my mind of my horrid past No more of the constant pain and suffering It hurts oh so bad I scream for help But no one can hear me They just watch me as I crumble Wanting to trip that final line But... That would mean I left everyone else far behind

I blew it...... I was too nervous I wasn't clear on my answers that I rehearsed on my own words the night before and before the interview. I feel like like a waste of space... I can't get anything right. I'm trying not to slide back down in my dark place. It's so tempting but but I know I'll just just be even more fucked up than I already am. My grandmother tells me every interview that if I'm meant to have that job then it will happen. I used to believe it but I don't anymore. I can't keep living on 200 a month and no social life. Everything costs money... Today I feel like complete shit and it will probably be that way for a minute. Fuck everything

I always had a bad temper but I allowed very few to see how bad it can be. I'm angry but I'm not exactly sure what I'm angry at.... well I know a few but I need to let go cause I'm just being held down while I get beat up by my own emotions.