I think... 2019 is not going to be my year, maybe one more year. I need to find out how to change my mentality. My goal was to respond to people better this year and it kind of got better but still needs so much work. Im hoping its just a tough beginning. I feel like i dont really have a lot of close friends, and i dont really know who is my friend, but thats a failure on my part. I dont try enough. I dont feel comfortable telling anyone a lot of stuff and its hard to keep to myself but ive almost gotten used to it now. I have no reason for it but i get so sad sometimes, randomly for the smallest things. Even after a good day sometimes i feel like i didnt do enough. I get sad more often now too, i dont know if its stress or feeling lonely but im trying to keep myself busy in the meantime. I cant even tell momo everything for no good reason. I just need to work on myself this year.

I want a momo hug

this is so weird im like 99% sure if i told biz that i liked momo and she told him, we would actually date but he’s literally turning 20 in october i wanna wait till im 18 but i dont wanna wait

unm momo is actually so cool and after meeting him i actually dont think he was flirting over snapchat but thats kinda unfortunate bc now i might like him oops BUT ABOUT THE DAY it was so fun we went to breakfast with a few people and I thought it was gonna be so awkward bc I’ve never met him and his friends right but it was actually not awkward at all we all shared food and I sat next to him and talking to him felt normal and I like how he talks but thats not the point, so after that we went to his house to hang and we all just talked and it was so nice i actually got to know them and then he drove us to sephora bc biz needed smthn and he knew i had work at 4 and he kept being like “should we go?” “Do you have time” and it was so nice bc any other person would have forgotten and i wouldve had to be like hey i needa go. hes also really touchy like he didnt mind putting his hand on my arm or putting his hand on my shoulders to stand behind me and i LIKE THAT hes really outgoing and cool ugh this is not what i need rn

i dont Understand like there must be something i cant see or something im missing it makes me so sad. i dont even know how to explain this so ill give some examples. Literally I thought the reason me and jon never dated is because we lived so far apart and he never wanted that like okay makes sense naturally he started talking to this other girl yeah yeah i Get It. The second time around when we started talking again it died off because he started talking to this girl who Didnt Live On Oahu so lol long distance wasnt the problem in the first place and he had two chances okay okay whatever its just jon one guy doesnt mean anything lets move on. I dont even like Justin but this is just an example of what im trying to explain bc idk how to put it in words. Before he started working at panera he was like yo do any cute asian girls work here? And i was like yeah lol theres like 5. okay whatever normal convo obviously i wouldnt include myself. later justin goes to ari and says her friend is cute but shes taken so does she have any other cute asian friends, and not even mad bc she probably knows i wouldnt date him but (using him as an Example for the Normal Boy he is) like i guess im not part of the cute girls group bc ig he would ask about me or something or like do something in person since we Are Friends and he wants a Girlfriend and im not even being like ‘wow im so cute Why dont i have a boyfriend!!’ but im honestly just like whats Wrong With Me because i dont. and like even at work when 4 girls got hired including me and bri and we all started the same time like, all 3 of the other girls kept getting hit on by what you consider ig the “cute guys” at panera and a girl even Pointed It Out, she was like why are they hitting on everyone except you nadya? And in my head i was like i honestly wanna know too?? So i can fix whatevers wrong with me?? Bc i kinda want a date to prom for my senior year but idk how to get one why does no one like me im just tryna figure it out?? And im not even desperate for a bf like obviously im still gonna wait for whoevers right and high school relationships dont last but all my friends are getting like hit on and have had boyfriends ive literally never had one and i just want to know the reason!! Why am i so unlikeable or unapproachable i dont want this to continue into college i wanna get married one day i just want someone to point out Why but I see bri and she can get guys so easily and guys actually like her and im like how is it so easy?? And erica just started at her new school and already shes like yeah i got asked to hoco by 3 guys and im like ??? In my 4 years of highschool i cant even get asked by one ?? I just want someone to help me Understand what im missing. What Cant I See??

So much time has passed since ive been on this account. I wanna start posting these in it again bc its nice to look back. SO. I got this job at panera and ive been there for like a week now and this really really cute and nice guy trained me and he’s literally been all my streaks and finsta posts for the past week. Idk i just liked him SO MUCH like if i had to describe my type i think it would be him and I honestly thought like i mightve had a chance but i found out today that he literally just got a girlfriend like prob a couple days ago if not yesterday. But im not that surprised hes like fuckboi ish and i heard him talking about a girl my second day there BUT IDK STILL THOUGHT I HAD A CHANCE bc like i know i never make the first move when its someone i barely know but if im forced into a situation where we have to be together (EX. WORK) then i become a lot more talkative and chill esp if theyre talkative too like raph so i thought it would work out u know!! But honestly theres nothing i couldve done bc it sounds like he was talking to this girl for a little and i came in so late which is fine at least i wasnt like in love w him and we were talking for months and then he gets a gf like a certain JON i know. Also raph is just too close to jon like in height skinniness way he talks activites(weed n drugs) he’s literally a jon 2.0 but maybe a little cooler and idk ig it wouldve been weird to date someone so similar but still i rlly liked him but since this news has unveiled itself i dont think i could like him now bc im no homewrecker and hed just be a cool friend to have. UGH i will never get a boyfriend. Raph was literally the best opportunity and still he was snatched from me smh. Raph was outta my league tho he was too cute i bet his gf is so pretty usghsh must be nice😞 im still counting on u jesus to send someone my way because nothing has worked out so far but, preferably before prom pls because i rlly rlly dont want to go alone when all my friends will have dates and i just want tht highschool relationship experience that i havnt gotten yet but please PLEASE dont let me down.

I miss my kitty so much i just got my ring today with his name and paw print on it and ive just been so sad i miss when he used to go under the blankets and sit on my lap when i ate dinner and just his presence used to bo so calming,, he was supposed to go to college with me wherever i went and he was supposed to be there for my first kiss and my first boyfriend and he was supposed to comfort me when i have my first heartbreak and i miss hearing him meow and his purring and him sleeping on the bed with me and it sucks because every cat i have from now on is just gonna remind me of him. I remember i used to cry all the time because i thought you were hurt or sick or the thought of you dying was so sad and its so weird because even through all of that it still felt like you would live for so long because you were just always around,, and i would honestly give anything to spend 1 more day with you or pet you again or hear you and its so weird bc ive never been religous but when i went to the church retreat and we went into the chapel one by one and they told us that we could say anything to god or tell him what we wanted and all i could think of was for you to make it to heaven safely even though ive never believed in it but i didnt want to think that you were gone and that instead you were just waiting for me and ive never cried in front of a fuckin jesus statue before but i couldnt help it and if there is a heaven up there i hope youre so happy and that you can breathe right again and when i die i hope youre the first thing i see bc im tellin them to put a pic of you in my casket,, thanks for all your years of love pixel i miss u so much