November 2028
I did not want to ask him to leave. It was the only time I have ever wanted him not around me. The first time him being here was not a comfort. I offered myself to him and he did not want me. I just felt so horrible and I could not stand to face him with all that embarrassment and shame.
I ought to start from the beginning. I had planned for his birthday to be special, especially with all of what has occurred over the last couple weeks. I just wanted him to be happy and feel good just one time before we are married. I was wrong. He was not ready for me and I made a complete fool of myself in the process. Of course he isn't ready. He is waiting for our wedding night like any good pureblood should. I am a horrible person.
I would not be surprised if he called the wedding off tomorrow. My behavior is beyond atrocious. How could I be so stupid? I always seem to do things like this. It is no wonder my family is constantly disappointed in me. I just always seem to mess good things up at every turn. Now I am sitting here having a pathetic little pity party for myself and that is probably the worst thing of all. I just can't stop thinking that if I was her it would be a completely different story. Will I always find myself comparing to her?
I ought to be stronger than this. I should have just brushed it off like it meant nothing and salvaged the night. I may still be able to rectify some of it. I plan to send him an apology, and try to explain myself. It's much easier to do through the written word than having to look him in the eye. Yes, I know that makes me a coward but I would much rather that over the alternative. I do still hope he wants me as his wife.
