1631

Me:

It’s really funny that you asked this right when you did, because I just logged in to my old Newgrounds accounts like 2 minutes ago for the first time in 10 years. I suppose if I do upload anything nsfw that isn’t smol horse related (I’ll upload directly to derpi for that), I’ll use Newgrounds yeah.Otherwise, I’ll keep uploading my sfw touhou stuff no one cares about here lol

For everyone else this change is affecting, particularly financially, now is a good time to branch out if you haven’t already (which you should have if you’re serious about making money off you work). Newgrounds is getting a lot of attention again, but you of course have things like Patreon, Twitter, etc. If you have the money and/or means to do so, get your own site to host your stuff on, and drop links to it on whatever social platform you use. I feel like what few of you that do this professionally already know this and are way ahead of me, but I feel like it’s still worth mentioning, just in case.

And digging through all my old art was a nice trip down memory lane as it were, but for some reason this sketch in particular got me really thinking about my current state, and how I’ve just become stagnant not just in art, but in ‘real life’ as well. I kind of feel like a large part of my art problem and life problem is really due to not having any sort of direction in my life; I don’t have any real goals or aspirations. There’s things I’d like to do, but nothing I’m particularly passionate about. I don’t have a reason to live. That doesn’t mean I want to die, but I don’t really have anything to look forward to or strive for. I just kind of exist. And when you find yourself in such a situation, it becomes really hard to be motivated about anything, and you’re just kind of in a neutral semi-emotionless state.

I can still mark the day when I really stopped trying to create anything again. It was the day I didn’t just realize, but deeply understood the feeling that people, my fans and followers and the like, didn’t care for the personal works of mine that I loved and put a lot of time into; they were here for the smut. And, you know, it makes sense. Sex sells and all that. It’s been that way for time eternal. And it was one of those things where you’re like “yeah, I get it that’s how the world is” but when it really sets in deep inside and becomes really personal, it’s actually a really fucking depressing realization. And for a while after that, I was pretty bitter and upset and depressed, because that really is just how it is. But as a result, whatever motivation and drive and love for the craft I had was pulled up by the roots and the earth beneath it salted. It’s been more than long enough that I’ve come to terms with all that, but I’m still in this barren rut. It’s not so much I was thrown off the horse and have yet to get back on, it’s more like I got off the horse and sent it on its way and now there’s no horse to get back on to; you know, like being in a hole and finally deciding you want out, but there’s nothing to climb out with. So I kinda just shrug my shoulders, and another day passes.

I dunno, I just feel like between trying to find another horse to get on and dealing with the number of internal and external problems I’m having in my life right now, I’m just wholly incapable of drawing or creating anything anymore. I think what I probably have to do though, is learn to draw for myself again. A lot of the art I had been doing was for others really, for you guys, because you happened to like the crap I produced, and seeing and hearing how much people like your work is really nice. But somewhere along the way, I stopped doing things for me. I got so swept up in creating all this stuff for the sake of other people that I had forgotten what it was like to just create things. Or maybe I buried it all under all the anger and bitterness I felt, and it just kind of died. Who knows...