5 things you love about yourself (Ren x Chubby!Reader)
Synopsis: Reader being self conscious about how their body looks and Ren helps them with their insecurity.
Pairing: Ren x g.n! reader
a/n: Really self indulgent, initially wrote this as a personal comfort fic but wanted to share this to you all ^^
w.c: 4.5k (longest one I wrote)
Tags: Self conscious and low self esteem reader, overworking, self harm, body dysmorphia, stubborn reader, fluff/comfort, Addresses reader as [name]
You can't remember the last time you comfortably showed off your body features.
Not being bothered by any comments, your weight being stable; being average with the people around your age.
But now look at you.
Binge eating at night. Taking unnecessary calories and not burning them enough by moving. Your mental state is worsening over time – but Ren made it alleviate the pain; just for a bit. These few months with your work stuff outside of your library job made it nearly impossible to hang out with Ren – let alone dating isn't an option anymore judging by your tight schedule.
You're always at your desk working on something one day or another, whether it's handling customer services, debt payoffs, sending back money to your parents – it's taken a toll on you and it shows. The only body movements you did were going to the bathroom, your bed and your kitchen. Lately, you ditched off the idea of cooking because it “exhausted” you.
Really though, you ARE tired. Your hair is so oily to the point you can't bear to rake your fingers through it – you've just been dabbing the areas with powder, since it always helps? You think? It's been almost a week and a half since your last shower. But you're really tired of dragging your body into the bathroom; reaching your hand out for the soap, moving your legs, standing in the shower.. Hell no.
You didn't even let Ren enter your apartment because of how messy it looks. You don't want a perfect-looking guy like him to step into your hell of junk piles. So, you decided to only voice call him and such – at least that helps with your motivation to continue on with your work?
“Angel, can I look at you just for a moment?”
“I kinda look bad right now, sorry..”
“I-I don't really mind, Angel!! I just wanted to see if..You're doing alright..!!”
Did you really want to let him see your fucked up face? Your face is bloated and your eyebags are visible, there's no way you're letting him see your state right now!
“Angel? Are you doing alright? D-do you want me to come ov—”
“NO!”
Shit. Now you’re going to make yourself suspicious towards Ren.
“I mean..not yet. My apartment isn't in a good shape right now.. I'll clean it soon though!! Don't worry about it Renren.”
A beat of silence passes.
Then you hear a sigh from the other end. You’re definitely fucked.
“Are you 100% sure that you're taking care of yourself at least?”
Oh shit. His tone sounds serious. He didn't even put his signature nickname in there either.
Think [reader] think! You don't want to lie to Ren but at the same time, you look like a fucking dumpster homeless!!!
You know what, fuck it. You can't risk yourself being seen by Ren like this.
“Yeah, I am taking care of myself! Really!!”
Son. That was the most bullshitted lie you ever said in your life.
After you said the lie, Ren immediately knew you were up to something. No, he knew.
Later, You hear keys jingling from your phone, followed by rapid footsteps rushing from his apartment towards the road.
You're absolutely fucked. Ren is personally coming into your apartment; best case scenario – he'll knock and ask you if he can come in. Like the gentle giant he is! Worse case scenario though – he'll just fucking break the whole door down and come lunging towards you—
“Angel?”
Sai can't even help you out of this twin, you're absolutely getting smited.
One knock.
You have to get up and do something! Stop sitting in your chair! Do something!
Two knocks. The second knock became louder.
His knocks are getting louder and you couldn't help but feel tears dripping down to your face slowly. Have you been this emotional before? Or is it because of the stress finally piling up in the jar close to breaking out?
Click.
That's the sound of the door unlocking.
You don't recall giving a spare key to him or your memory is failing you after so many nights staying up late because you “can't” sleep.
“Angel? Are you here?” You hear Ren’s footsteps shuffling across your living room. Ren already knows that you're in a bad– no-, worst condition, he always does. He was just waiting for the right moment to confront you.
“Angel please come out, I’m not scaring you, I-I swear!!” Ren’s voice sounded desperate, as if he was trying to look for his owner while letting out little whines.
You were terrified. Not in a “Oh my god I'm going to get killed” but “why is he here” type terrified. You finally lift yourself off from your chair and make your way towards the closet where there is a gap between the wall and the closet itself.
squeezing in within the tiny gap, you stood there silently facing yourself with the closet and your back with the cold wall. You covered your mouth just in case you let out a sound. At this moment, you're spiraling into the rabbit hole all over again while the fear of being seen adds on to the pressure.
What if he finds you here and starts lecturing you on how to take care of yourself?
What if he helps you clean around this whole apartment while secretly hating it?
What if he sees you in this state and decides to break off with you?
What if—
“I just..want to see if you're alright..” You heard his faint voice combined with the sounds of opening doors. You can't breathe properly, your tears are running down your face, your body feels weak despite all of the weight and fat.
Ren began opening each and every door to see if you're in any of the rooms except he knows where you are — just checking if you're hiding anywhere else. He knows your apartment like the back of his hand.
He saw a door that's ajar that leads to your room. With a frown, he stepped towards the door and opened slowly to reveal what's waiting for him.
He saw your room being pitch dark with the only light source coming from your pc and monitor. Clothes being splayed all over the room, used energy drink cans, takeout boxes and different mugs scattered on your table, an opened tab about paying taxes on your monitor,
Then he found you.
Quietly trembling and skin peeking out from behind the closet. Quiet sniffles coming from you made his heart drop and break into pieces.
You clutched your head tight as if you were shielding yourself. You sniffed, trying your best not to cry – even drop a single tear from your eyes. You felt Ren's lingering gaze on you. You were trying your best to go back to where things were. You're really trying. It's just that you needed more time. (Just like how [REDACTED] took his time perfecting his Haruko persona.)
“m’ sorry..” is all you could mutter under Ren's eyes. You hate showing weakness to others, especially your boyfriend. Growing up surviving on performance and gradually shutting out any form of weakness to anyone else is how you survived in this society. It's the way you learned to live in this world. Not with any type of care, guidance or anything else. Just by pure self experience and learning to live with it based on them.
Your heart clenched every moment you tried breathing,
Your throat tightened from the fear and the tears that were dropping involuntarily,
You hate being pathetic in front of anyone else to the point you wanted to disappear right then and there. You want to push away anyone who's near you. You can't be seen like this.
You began sobbing out and whispering I'm sorry" under your breath.
This is it. This is the moment you dreaded forever since day 1. He's going to leave you and act like nothing has happened, just like everyone else.
“Angel.” Ren called out to you, his tone grounding like an anchor set in a deep sea.
“Look at me…. please?” His voice sounded broken as if he was trying so hard to gather himself.
“I.. I can’t..” You whispered out between your sniffles, him seeing your fucked up face is one thing you can never show it to him. It's too hideous. Too ugly.
“[first name] [last name], look at me.” Ren’s voice sounded stern but caring. Fearing what'll follow next for you, you slowly lifted your head up from the ground to face him out of fear. You're showing him your greasy face with puffed eyes, tears streaming down on your face. All of the imperfections – a picture perfect guy like Ren is seeing your disaster. You've already accepted what'll happen next. He's going to leave you and throw you away like some pathetic and desperate lover you are, crying and shutting everyone ou—
You felt a pair of arms enveloping your figure. Warmth slowly seeped towards you as Ren tightly embraced your trembling body.
Huh?
This- this isn't supposed to happen! Why.. why is he doing this?? He's supposed to hate how you look now!!
He tucked his face between your neck and slowly rubbed up and down to your back. You didn't know whether to cry or accept the warmth he's giving to you. It feels weird.
It's like you're given genuine love after so many experiences of receiving fake and fleeting ones and don't know how to reciprocate it back after all these years of neglect. It makes you feel conflicted whether you genuinely deserve it or not.
“Good job, Angel.” Ren whispered quietly enough for you to hear.
Fuck.
That was your breaking point and it's coming down all out.
You began uncontrollably sobbing in his embrace, clutching his back with both hands to ground yourself. This single moment has made you cry out properly after suppressing your emotions throughout your whole life. All you needed was only 2 words for someone to see and care what you've been struggling inside.
Good. job.
That's all it takes.
You began apologizing to Ren and confessed everything on what prevented you to avoid him. He listened to all of your problems with no complaint in a tight embrace. He helped you soothe and regulate your emotions by patting your back; slowly going up and down. He listened to what you had to say silently and attentively. He didn't care if your snot was on his cardigan or your tears soaked his shirt, all he wanted to know is that his dear angel is still alive and breathing despite the struggles they went through.
You decided to break off from the embrace and wiped your tears off with your hands. Your emotions are stable for now, leaving you with a numbed after-effect. With your puffed red eyes, you looked at Ren with sadness lingering in your eyes.
“Ren.” You called him out with a hoarse voice, gently tugging his cardigan. “Why are you doing.. all of this to me?” You looked down subconsciously, as if you were ashamed for asking such a question.
“Because I love you dearly, Angel.” Ren replied immediately without a doubt. He gently placed your hand on top of his and started tracing invisible vein lines on the back of your hand.
“Y-you might not believe me, but I've been loving you ever since that day.” He looked down at your plump hands tenderly as he drew flowers and your name with his thumb. “But believe me when I say this Angel, I would do anything f’you. Whether it's sorting out your feelings, paying out debts, improvin’ your health; I'm here f'you. In every single step y'take, I'll be there to congratulate you for achievein’. And I really mean that, Angel.”
He shifted your gaze from your hands towards your face, examining your disaster up close. For him, this is pure vulnerability that he doesn't get to see often from his Angel. And it is hard for someone to open up. For this, Ren is beyond happy and relieved; knowing that you're finally accepting help and letting him see the scars of countless battles you've endured before he met you.
Your voice faltered first, trying to form out the words but failing. But it's okay, Ren is patient and he'll cancel all of the things he needs to do just to be with you at this moment.
“Why..why do you still like me after you saw how I look..? I look like a pathetic…useless partner who looks like an overweight pig. My face is all messed up, fat thighs and stomach fat. I think you should stop dating me just for the sake of your image.”
“Angel, don't say that. You're perfect in my eyes, you always do. No matter in what shape or form, I still love you until I draw my last breath. I love your fat thighs, I adore your stomach fat, I love your plump fingers, I love your everythin’, Angel. Fuck, you can even conserve more warmth than me so that I can cuddle ya’ whenever I get cold.” You let out a weak chuckle from his silly remark and subtly smiled. In return, he saw your face and smiled as well.
“Forget what you're handling now and let me help you, Angel. Is that alright with you?” Ren softly rubbed your digits while looking at you attentively – afraid to step into any boundaries in this fragile moment.
You nodded weakly at him.
“Yeah? How about we take a nice warm bath? At least it'll help you ease your emotions from the warm water, Angel.” Ren smiled warmly towards you, the kind of smile that's genuine and has a lot of affection in their eyes.
“Okay.” You whispered under your breath and let him carry you into the bathroom. He held you like a porcelain vase — soon to be broken and shattered into pieces but still gathering itself pretty well despite the cracked exterior. Now, this isn't about porcelain vases.
He set you down in the bathtub – hands wandering and retracting as if he was unsure to ask you or do it himself.
Ah. You need to take off your clothes.
“You can take them off.” You spoke with a hoarse voice while staring at the bathtub's sinkhole. You genuinely have no energy to move at all. Eyes locked into the same place with a hollow and numb feeling.
You felt your body tip towards Ren as he pulled you into an embrace. He patted your head with such tenderness that it weirds you out. You don't think you're going to get used to this at all.
Ren didn't say anything, he hummed a song you recognize and continued patting your head gently along with the beat. He was stabilizing your emotions, having a moment of stillness and warmth before he did anything. You vaguely remember saying that you like being held like this because it reminds you of your parents lulling you to sleep while patting your hips along with their humming tune.
Your heart ached at the reason why he was doing this. He remembered. It was just a small thing you mentioned. And you didn't expect him to remember all those silly details you said with no thought behind it.
You want to bury yourself into Ren's embrace forever.
He's so warm, fluffy and comforting.
It's almost..
Making you sleepy.
“A-Angel, you have to take a bath first before you sleep..!” Ren spoke quietly; not to make you flinch as he looked at your sleepy face. Adorable.
He opened the faucet and filled the tub with various items. A few sparkly rubber duckies with your favourite color(s) you got at a claw machine, a scented bath bomb that has your favorite smell and color.
Your heart warmed at the sight before you. Having someone to care about the smallest things you shared, having someone to confide in. It made you feel a bit giddy with happiness.
After Ren carefully washed your hair and body, he helped you blow dry your hair once you stepped out of the bathroom.
You wore an oversized shirt with long pants, the comfy ones you'd been wanting to wear. How does he even know which clothes to pick that makes you happy??
You paid little attention at the thought and realized your mood has slightly gotten better. You can move your arms and legs more freely than you used to without feeling tired, expressing yourself a bit more when talking to Ren, leaving occasional giggles in silly conversations.
It crazy how a person can change your entire mood and motivation by just staying beside you.
“Angel, I'll go take care of your living room and your bedroom alright?” Ren held the doorknob as he looked by his shoulder worriedly. You're currently in a room that was an extra place where you store your miscellaneous items.
You forgot this room existed honestly. With lots of junk lying around here along with your busy schedule, you don't even have time to manage it properly and sort it out.
To your left and right, you see countless boxes. The ones you left them opened after you moved in about 6 months ago. You walk over to see what items piques your interest while waiting for Ren.
You rummaged through some items, finding some old books, textbooks, handwritten letters by your friends, different kinds of pens you collected from the ground, crinkled paper origamis from your friends, a bunch of doodled papers..
Gosh, were you a trinket collector or something? Because all you're seeing is miniscule items that you stashed away for no reason.
After going through boxes of items, you noticed a cracked mirror that was half covered by a cloth, sitting in the middle of the room.
The mirror was long enough to see your full figure from it. You forgot the reason why you hid this mirror though, is it because you're planning to sell it? But it's broken anyway. The mirror was chipped from the bottom left corner, extending towards the middle section. Perhaps it broke because of someone dropping it by the edge? You're not quite sure. Curious, you stepped in closer to uncover the neglected mirror to observe more, but the only thing you managed to observe instead was yourself.
Standing on the floor with the cloth in your hand, you saw your double chin, layers of stomach fat being outlined by your shirt, thick thighs, and calves. You grimaced at the sight.
You realized you haven't been looking at yourself in the mirror properly until this time.
You look horrendous. You look pathetic – it's almost laughable, honestly. But, this is who you've come out to be?
Your hands hovered towards your stomach while gripping the cloth tighter subconsciously, debating whether you should touch it or not. Instead, you lifted your shirt towards your chest, examining the stomach fat building up and sagging down. Your belly was round and poking out like a pregnant woman.
You absolutely hate this sight. It's making you feel the urge to rip out your stomach.
Every noise drowned around you as you were occupied only with yourself and your thoughts. A loud static noise came through your ears, ringing and getting louder by the second. Your breath is unsteady. Your eyes are dark and hollow with no emotion. Your gaze was set like a stone by the figure in front of you.
Subconsciously, your fingers gripped on a layer of your stomach fat, pinching and gripping on it tightly, as if you're about to completely pull it off. The pain stings. It hurts. But it's what you deserve after being a lazy shit, right? An action always has consequences that follow.
Pinch it more.
It hurts.
Scratch those fat deep.
It stings, please--
Blood started drawing from your stomach — staining your fingernails with your own flesh. You're too immersed in getting rid of those fat piling up on your hips.
You want them gone.
You want your perfect body back.
“Stop.” You felt a strong grip on both of your wrists as you immediately broke from your trance. You looked back at the mirror and saw blood on your fingernails. Your hair was disheveled with beads of sweat running down from your forehead.
Then you saw Ren standing behind you while gripping your wrists in the air stiffly. His expression was a mix of worry and disappointment – showing an unpleasant facial expression. His brows furrowed as he began darting his gaze towards your fingers to your figure in the mirror. After a few moments, his gaze completely landed on your fingernails, examining them from afar. You couldn't see Ren’s face from the mirror because of his long bangs covering his face.
Thankfully, it was just some surface scratches. You collected yourself for a moment and tried calming yourself down by breathing. Your head hung low, realizing what your mistake led to Ren being disappointed at you.
You want to disappear immediately from this scene so bad. It's too much for you to handle all at once.
“Ren? Look..I.. I didn't mean to hurt myself, it was just subconsciously and—”
Ren didn't waste any time as he hugged you tightly from behind, releasing your wrists from his grip. He's shaking. Intensively. He buried his face deep into your neck, trying his best not to shatter at this moment.
He kissed your jaw tenderly along to your neck with quivering lips. He was afraid that you'd disappear right here and then. He kissed your digits, giving each and every single one of them the affection they deserved. Then, he hugged you tightly in silence.
You hate how your stupid actions led here. You made Ren worry to the point his hands were shaking from the fear.
You grabbed his hand and placed it upon your cheek. You kissed his scarred hands back as repayment.
“Angel, you..” His voice cracked and faltered for a moment, trying to form a sentence in his disorganized mind. He opened and closed his mouth multiple times – as if he was being careful with what he had to say.
“..please don't..hurt yourself, Angel.” That is all he could muster out from his mouth while trying his best not to break down into tears in front of you. He wished your pains were his instead -- so that you have nothing to worry about.
“I'm..sorry.” Your head hung low as you looked at your bloodied nails. Your heart is sinking into the abyss from the guilt that's trying to consume you. This hurts more than the pain on your stomach.
“Angel?” He called you out while burying his face into the crook of your neck.
“Yeah?” You tried speaking, but it only came out as a whisper -- your throat felt like it was chained by barbed wires, restricting your air supply.
“Tell me 5 things you love about yourself while looking through the mirror. Please?” He lifted his head from your neck as he looked at you from the broken mirror.
“Ren.. I can't.” You caressed one of his scarred hands and slid your thumb up and down. You couldn't dare to look at yourself in the mirror.
“Please, Angel?” He visibly frowned while looking at you through the mirror.
"I-...I can't. Everything about me is full of flaws- I just.. can't do it." Your voice cracked multiple times, fighting against the tears that were about to fall off in your eyes.
Both you and Ren stayed in silence, neither of you daring to say anything.
"My hands are scarred." Ren tentatively spoke through the suffocating silence.
"That's my flaw. I crouch too much when I'm focused on something, and I don't really like the way my face looks" Ren looked at your face; although it was covered with your hair.
"What I'm saying is, we both have flaws, Angel. It's true that I look picture perfect for you, but just know that you're not alone feeling like this. When I pointed out my flaws, you don't see them when you look at me, right?"
You shaked your head.
"That's how I look at you too, Angel."
You let out a defeated sigh as you raised your head to look into the mirror once again. You saw Ren's smile plastered on his face, pleased that you're willing to give it a try.
“I love.. my..” Your voice faltered, feeling those foreign words coming out of your mouth like a bitter taste. You tried finding a part of yourself you love– no. Liked. But there's none. There's absolutely nothing that you love about yourself.
Taking a glance back to the mirror, you gathered up your courage to speak again. You know that Ren isn't letting you off of his hug until you meet his requirements.
“I think I love my hair..?” You picked out a strand of your hair and curled it with your fingers. Compared to before, your hair is much smoother and fluffier now. It smells like your favorite scent!
Ren nudged his face into your hair and gently gave a kiss on your scalp as a way of agreement.
“I love my.. personality.” Your tone is still unsure, feeling those words on your tongue feels weird.
Ren nodded while he rested his chin on top of your shoulder, encouraging you to continue.
“I love my cheeks and the way they get red whenever you do something bold..?” You giggled while talking about your thoughts out loud.
Ren chuckled and gave a kiss on your left cheek, his fingers intertwining and resting on your abdomen. “2 more, Angel.”
“Oh, I love my hands. Because I get to feel your warmth. Although they're a bit plump..”
“Plump or not, I love your everything, Angel.” He cupped your hand and kissed your palm. While his other free hand rubbed circles on your waist.
You're starting to feel more confident in your words.
“And..I love having the ability to experience love.” You turned your neck at Ren and gave him a heartfelt smile. “Especially the one who's behind me with those beautiful eyes.”
“Angel..” Ren became speechless as he observed your face with such devotion. His mouth gaped in awe while his eyes widened with surprise. He let out a small chuckle and cupped your face with his hand, leaning in closer to your face – but not closing the distance yet.
He stared at your lips with half lidded eyes, smiling dearly.
“I also love having the ability to love you, Angel.”
Ren closed the distance with a soft kiss on your lips. It wasn't rushed or desperate. You both were taking your time feeling the love in-between kisses. Grounding and understanding.
Because Ren will always love you no matter what size you are.
In his view, he sees nothing but perfection in you.
