My mother hates me for speaking the truth
This is going to be a long post. I need help on how to handle this situation.
I want to share what I am going through.
When I was 5 my mother convinced my dad to find work abroad because she wasn’t contented with the life he can provide us.
Some years later he had another woman. Everyone in the family was devastated. My mother most especially was depressed. I was 7 back then. I remember stepping up, taking care of her at a very young age. I would sing her a song to sleep. Comforted her each time.
Moving forward, I had no choice but to step up. I started working at the age of 13 to help with the finances. I have been continuously contributing till now. Btw, my father was providing financial support at this time and my mother had a job but she would always complain that the money isn’t enough so I decided to work
I have 2 younger siblings so on top of working and studying, I had to take care of them since my mom was always at work. I attended PTA meetings, brought them to school, took care of their homework. On top of that I was in charge of the house. I had to make sure the house is clean before my mom comes home. Otherwise, she’d be mad and would call me irresponsible. Once home, she would never ask me how school was. Instead, she’d tell me her problems at work. I needed someone at that time. I remember crying before going to bed. I remember wanting to die. I had attempted several times too. I tried opening up to my mom and siblings several times. My siblings were apathetic. My mom would just advise me to pray and rub it in my face how grateful I should be for having a home and having at least a family although defective. Then, she would proceed to tell her problems. Invalidating my struggles. I was gaslighted so moving forward, I decided to keep my struggles to myself. Hoping that one day, I would stop waking up.
Some years later. I think I was 18 at that time. My mother fell in love and had a boyfriend. She was always emotionally unavailable to me and my sibs ever since but her in a relationship only made it worse. She would go on dates everyday. During the weekends, she would be staying out till sunday morning just to go on a date. Come home sunday morning and sleep through the afternoon. I don’t know how to explain it to my sibs. I would just tell them to understand and support our mama because she was happy. At this age, I had multiple jobs while at school. I even had a small business so I still kept contributing at our home.
Taking care of them, working and studying sure has consequences. I failed two subjects in college and had to repeat them. Thankfully, I passed the second time. During this period, I hated my father so much. I never spoke to him and just focused on taking care of the family.
My mother, on the other hand I tried to understand as she would always tell me that, this is just her first time being happy. So i supported her. My sibs and i supported her. I was already depressed at this time. Having no space or support to process what i have been through. Several times I have attempted. Running through the roads with a fast car approaching. Keeping chemicals from the lab so I can drink them when I can no longer hold it together. I had no comfort but the HOPELINE. I would call them for nights just crying. I would be careful not to divulge info so scared that they would come to our house and pick me. I would rely on calls with my bestfriend for comfort.
Church wasn’t helping too. I can not open up to anyone and ask for help because my mom and i have the same organization. When people ask me if I don’t have any resentment towards my parents, I could not say anything... I did not have the heart to say that I am going through depression and that I need help because I don’t want her to think that she too is failing as a mom.
Fast forward to november 2021. She and her boyfriend had a huge fight. The guy was drunk, rushed to our house, fiery in anger! They had a fight that resulted to them shouting about sex, and other obscene things that my younger sisters and I should not be hearing. It was scary coz the guy was banging on the table.
One of the things, I hate my mom for is not fighting for me when I was molested at the age of 16. The church advise her to forgive the perpetrator and that’s what she did. I was forced to do the same, because what was I suppose to do? i was scared. Young girls too usually take cues from older people. So i just said, I forgive that animal too. So that night they had a huge fight trauma run through my veins. I was paralyzed. The only thing that I could do was call my life long partner, who I am gonna marry this year. He called officials who could help us that night.
What’s really sad is when my mom learned that help was coming. She tried her best to neutralize the situation and when the guy decided to leave the house... she left us unattended and ran after him.
It is sad because all throughout the years of talking to her about my depression and suicidal thoughts, all she did was gaslighted me and told me to just pray. But when it comes to that guy, she would give her all just to keep him safe.
That night became crucial to me moving out of the house. I am 24 and a filipina so moving out of the house is like not a good thing for us filipinos. My fiancé helped me get my own place. Although, it was hard for me to leave my 2 siblings... i chose to choose myself at that time. I was already going crazy. Getting anxiety attacks here and there. I could barely sleep. I had to choose myself and take care of my self...
For a small time, that moving out taught my mother a lesson. The guy stopped visiting the house.
Year 2022 I decided to get married. Thankfully she gave me her blessing, but also gave me a lot of headache. She never asked how preps were. Always just concerned about the dress she would wear and my sisters... influenced by her.. wanted a lot go extravagant things for them for my wedding. I had occasional visits at their house because of preps, to have them fit their clothes, etc. that’s when my fiancé and I started seeing empty bottles of beer near our gate again... that’s when I knew that my sisters might be too afraid to tell me that my mom’s boyfriend is drinking again at that house... i can’t blame them. My mother is very very manipulative and abusive. She is the major reason I stopped talking to my father for years. She always acts like a victim so I would keep secrets for her and pounce to protect her...
Btw i am getting married this June, and a month later I decided to reconcile with my father. Recusing myself from the situation made me see my mother for who she is and helped me decide to hear mg father’s part of the story.
Turns out, my mother had her fair share of mistakes. Crucial decisions even that led our family to fall apart.
During this time, my mother was already asking for an annulment. Which my father is giving her. I was surprised though that she never told my father about her boyfriend. Whereas my father has always been open about his relationship with another woman.
My mother told my dad that she needed an annulment coz she was flying to London. So i decided to tell him the truth. Not only because he deserves to know but also I am very worried about my sisters. The only people who know about my mom’s boyfriend is her side of the family. Which btw, just tolerates her for whatever she wants to do.
I wanted someone to know. A family who can also stand up for my siblings and who can also protect them now that I am getting married. I was molested in that house. I was not protected. I am more than terrified now that my mother is opening our house to a man who could not even respect her. I told my father, my aunt who is like my mother and my lola who cared so much about me.
My mom is really active in church and projects this image that she is a really really good person. One of the reasons I left that church is because of that hypocrisy that I have witnessed. Most if the times, she acts differently with how she speaks. It makes me cringe seeing her speak the word of the Lord but not practice it.
I opened up to my dad last week. Told him everything I went through. Yesterday, my mom called me. Very very angry. Told me that my dad told her some things. TOLD ME THAT I HAVE NO RESPECT AND THAT OF ALL PEOPLE SHE DID NOT EXPECT ME TO RUIN HER REPUTATION. SHE TOLD ME THAT I AM DESTROYING HER NAME BY SPREADING RUMORS. She even cursed me that I will never have a good life.
This makes my heart bleed. I have protected her my entire life. Sacrificed my youth for her. I was there physically, emotionally and financially all throughout her life. I do not want to apologize for speaking the truth. As much as I want to preserve her name, the safety of my sisters is far more important to me now.
Now, I have lost all hope that she and my sisters would be attending the wedding. My sisters are under her control... I have cried buckets yesterday.
The only prayer I have ever uttered during the past years is to experience what it feels like to have a parent. God answered that prayer. My father stepping up and defending us feels surreal and makes me hopeful. But witnessing all of these is also accompanied by a heart break. A heart break to realize that the mother I have loved, protected and dedicated my entire life too is selfish and would never prioritize her kids over her own happiness. I had occasions of self harm since yesterday, but thankful that I am still breathing. Since my history of depression, this is the first night I did not have incidents of self harm. My fiancé came by my place last night. Held me and assured me that everything’s gonna be alright.
As for me, I have come to accept that there are things that I must let go. Although, I did have anxiety attacks this morning... but otherwise, I think I am doing better.
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