life without wings

Now that we’ve finally made the announcement of Baby Yee public, I’d like to introduce everyone to my new Wordpress (!!!) where I’ve been posting some of the same content as Tumblr, but also baby-related posts! With that, I’ve officially moved blogs after years of being on Tumblr. Kind of sad, but I’m also excited (and Tumblr allowed me to migrate all my posts to Wordpress... thus my crazy Tags section on the Wordpress page, which I write about here haha).

Tumblr, you have served me well for the past 5+ years (founded on 3/23/10!). It’s been fun and I’m still not a fan of my Wordpress layout, but eventually I’ll figure it out.

Adios, dear Tumblr! You have served me well!!

In BSF this week, we studied Revelation 6: the opening of the seals and 4 horsemen.

Honestly all the judgment and gloom and doom is very unsettling, but what struck me the most was when we were directed to the passage in the Gospels about Lazarus and the rich man, a depiction of heaven vs. hell.

I’ve been thinking about this for a while, but the specific passage drove the point home. At the end of their lives, what will the people who do not know Jesus think? As they see Him face-to-face and realize just how real He is, what would they say to me?

Would they thank me for not sharing with them, for respecting their personal boundaries and beliefs? For respecting them as parents, and not proselytizing their children? Would they thank me for not making them uncomfortable, holding back, and not offending them with my Jesus beliefs?

In Luke 16:27, the rich main cries out:

“Then I beg you, father, to send him to my father’s house– for I have five brothers– so that he may warn them, lest they also come to this place of torment.”

Honestly reading this is terrifying. How could I not be filled with urgency and compelled to share about Jesus with those who do not know Him while on this earth they still have time to repent and believe!?

If my heart remains stagnant and lazy, not compelled to share and to preach, what does this mean? It means any of the following or maybe a combination of all 3:

I don’t really believe in God is real, for if He is not real, then there is no reason to share.

Maybe I do believe He’s real, but I don’t take Him at His Word and believe what He says that all who do not accept Him on this earth will be eternally separated from Him in hell for their unbelief.

If the first two don’t apply to me, then maybe I really just don’t care about the destiny of those who do not believe. Or maybe I do care a little bit, but not enough to risk the possibility of offense or others looking down on me.

In my heart, I must confess that my lack of desire to share is probably due to parts of all 3.

There are still parts of me that struggle from time to time with doubt. Is God real? Is He!? It’s so hard for me sometimes to believe. Thankfully, as I’ve been turning my doubts over to Him more and more, I really do feel He has been giving me more and more faith to believe. Faith is a gift, and you sure bet I’m asking for it! I want to be like Tim Keller (I believe– I wish I could find the link, but I can’t seem to right now), who in the Veritas forum was able to say that he 100% believes in God. 100%! Zero doubt at all. I was blown away that he could be so assured. I want to have 100% faith to believe!!!

I also struggle with really taking God at His Word on this one. Would He/will He really punish in hell those who don’t believe? It’s the good people argument. When I think of friends and family who don’t believe, they’re not perfect, but they’re also not the incarnation of evil! Do I really believe His Word that says even one offense is offense enough to be eternally separated from Him forever? How much do I take God at His Word on this? How much do I believe?

And at the end of the day, I am selfish. I am selfish in my belief. I’m scared to risk relationships, risk my reputation, by being a “Jesus Freak” (90’s throwback, holla!). I’d rather stay comfortable, not cause conflict, nor dissonance. I want to be a good friend/family member who doesn’t offend and is respectful and PC.

If I do not have urgency to share, when will I ever? When someone I love dies who doesn’t believe? Will I then be so guilt-ridden that I am finally compelled to share with others?

I hope I don’t wait that long.

And yes, there is the idea too that the Gospel is shown by our actions, how we live our lives, which indeed it is. But at the same time, there needs to be times and places where we share with words, where we convey the truth. There needs to be boldness in our walks. There needs to be a willingness to speak the truth in love, not just cop out and say “well, I don’t need to speak it because I’m already showing it.” I don’t want people to think I’m just a nice person (though in my flesh I do). If I’m compelled by the Gospel, I want people to think I’m a nice person… but only because of Jesus!!!

I’ve always struggled with people-pleasing. I’ve always struggled with a lack of boldness. I’ve always struggled with a lack of urgency to share. Jesus, convict me and change me, give me Your eagerness and Your urgency to share Your love and Gospel truth with family, friends, and a world in need. Help me. Help me to believe and act on that belief!!!

Then He said to His disciples, “The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few; therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into His harvest.”

Matthew 9:37-38

I HIGHLY recommend this article by Francis Chan: The Greatest Thing You Could Do Today. I’m looking for a good quote, but seriously want to post the whole thing here!

We often spend a lot of time and effort gathering believers together. We’ve become experts at gathering Christians around great bands, speakers, and events…

The word community is thrown around quite a bit in Christian circles today. But our gatherings can be toxic if we do not spend time alone with God. I’ve been in many groups where people share their insights. The problem is not only that our insights are not as profound as we think they are, but that we’re so eager to share thoughts originating in our own minds…

I want to know the thoughts of God. I want to gather with people who have been reading God’s Words, people who have prayed and interacted with Him. I want to fellowship with those who fellowship with God.

These thoughts impressed on me my dire need to be in God’s Word and in His presence daily.

How can I even hope to be an effective Christian if I’m not constantly bringing myself before Him?

I want to make sure I’m not that person just giving impressions or my own thoughts as I talk to others. I want to make sure the things I say are submitted and aligned with God’s Word and that I’m open to His constant correction of any wayward thoughts/beliefs (which I surely do and will have on this side of heaven!).

I’m reminded of 1 Timothy 4:16:

“Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers.”

Watch your doctrine. This is Paul’s exhortation to Timothy. And how can we watch our doctrine? By making sure we’re staying in the life-changing study of God’s Word.

Last night at BSF, Duhee also spoke about the Bible being a sword that will pierce our hearts and lead us to repentance and correction. He said either the Word will pierce our heart and correct us, or we will pierce the Word and cut out of it the parts we don’t want to apply to ourselves. “The Holy Word will become the hole-y Word.”

So will I pierce the Word or will I let the Word pierce me?

It is SO easy for me to think I’m right all the time and not be open to the correction of others and of God’s Word. It’s easy for me to be prideful and think my thoughts and ways are best and fail to have a humble attitude.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.”

Isaiah 55:8

I want to be careful with my thoughts and my doctrine, and keep an attitude of humility that God’s ways really may not be my ways even though I might think they are. I want to stay in the Word to make sure my doctrine is continuing to grow more and more in line with what the Word truly means and says.

I think this all came to mind even more as I got in an argument with my bff Monday night (hello, Deb! haha). I was getting so emotional and stubborn, unwilling to listen and upset. But as I took a step back, I had to ask God to show me where my thinking might actually be wrong and be open to correction, even if some of what I was saying still did feel correct.

And I think thankfully God was in the conflict and hopefully He is using our extreme differences to influence one another and make us look more like Christ.

Sometimes long friendships feel a lot like marriage haha. Over time conflicts surely will arise, but if we bear with one another and stick it out, God will use our friendships to spur us on toward holiness and looking more like His Son, Jesus.

I can’t remember who said it (Pastor Kyle I think?), but the speaker said we are all like rocks with jagged edges and as we stay in relationship with each other and get into conflicts, our jagged edges grate against each other, but over time are eventually smoothed out more and more. What a pertinent picture of what it looks like to be perfected by one another!

So that’s what’s on my mind lately and again, I highly highly recommend reading the Francis Chan post!

I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to live a lifestyle of worship and to practice the presence of God (shout out to the Kairos days when we studied Brother Lawrence’s Practice of the Presence of God… even if I was super irresponsible and didn’t read all of it! Side note… when I told Kenny this he was like “that’s pretty bad. You’re never going to find a Christian book shorter that that one.” Sigh. My irresponsible college days!!).

What would it look like use every single part of my day as worship to God? What would it look like to spend every single moment in communion with Him? How much more joy, freedom, and peace would I have if I truly spent every moment communing with Him?

Short tidbit about Brother Lawrence… based on what people told me haha (though seriously, just read his book– it’s not that long and I just might do the same over the holidays): Brother Lawrence was a cook in a monastery. Now I don’t know much about monastery hierarchies, but I’m guessing this means he wasn’t at all a big shot, just a humble cook. Of course he was a monk, so that’s gotta be saying something, but I’m not picturing him as the spiritual all-star of the monastery.

Basically, Brother Lawrence’s whole deal was that he strove to spend all of his time focusing on God and communing with Him throughout the day. As he grew in this practice, he came to the point where set aside times of prayer were unnecessary to him because he communed with God just as much during those set apart prayer times as he did when he was preparing the food or washing the dishes.

This is what I want in my life. So what if I’ve now (by God’s grace) been able to set apart consistent devo times at night? Big hoot. That’s such a TINY amount of time. It’s not enough!!!

I’m also blessed to witness this in part in Ms. A’s Christian life. What comes to mind is a funny memory (and a telling one!), but one time Ms. A told our Program Manager she’d shred all of his confidential documents. We’re talking BAGS of confidential papers that he had been stashing. As she sat in my office with the shredder ,she started praying aloud as she was shredding. “Jesus, make our lives like this basket– overflowing with blessings!” as she emptied the shred basket out. She even prayed for the machine when it overheated and stopped working haha.

Another example that comes to mind is a friend who was telling Kenny how to improve his coffee. As He extolled the Hario Coffee Grinder (he said it would make Kenny’s french press 4x better lol), he also shared with us about a friend who wrote a liturgy to recite every morning as he made his coffee. (Ex. “I crush these beans as Your body was broken and crushed for me.”) Again, comical, but this is the kind of communion and constancy I want to have in my life!!!

Lord, give me a greater desire for Your presence. I want to live life aware of and in constant communion with You. I want my whole life to be a life of worship to You. So help me, Lord. For I cannot press into Your presence on my own, and my flesh will fight it as much as I want it. Give me more of You in my life.

“I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.”

Holiness, holiness, holiness. It's been a theme this past season. Reading about Daniel at BSF this week emphasized to me what Ms. A always says:

"We cannot afford to compromise!"

Not even the tiniest bit. We cannot tolerate ANY semblance of sin in our lives.

Throughout Daniel, we see that God responds to Daniel's faithfulness. He would take a step of faith FIRST, then trust that God would back him up. With the food of Babylon, he requested the special diet first telling the authorities that he would appear healthier than the others who compromised, then he let God back him up. With Nebuchadnezzar's dream, he told Arioch he would have the interpretation, then he gathered his friends to cry out to God for the dream. And with Darius' decree, he acted first by praying blatantly to his God, then let God rescue him from the lion's den.

Daniel boldly and blatantly took steps of faith without even knowing if God would really come through. And God did each time.

God responds to faith. Faith and obedience without compromise.

Then last night, to add to everything that we studied and everything that's been on my mind, Kenny was listening to a sermon by Christine Caine (I know, this is AFTER we already spent the whole night at BSF) and she was saying this:

"As Christians we are called to be in the world, but not of it. Yet so often we are of the world, but not in it! We cannot be a light to the world if we're not in it and we cannot be a light to the world if we look just like it."

I'll ask him who the speaker was... I think she was from Hillsong and speaking at Bethel, but I can't remember her name.

This was so good and so convicting. We cannot expect to save the world if we won't venture into it and are stuck in our holy huddles shining our light on people who already have it. And we also cannot expect to save the world if we're living just like everyone else in it.

Daniel refused to compromise even a tiny bit. It struck me that with Darius' decree he could have just prayed with the curtains closed or hid out for 30 days. That's probably what the other Israelites did because we didn't see them getting thrown into the den (though they weren't targeted either). He could've been like the rest of the young Israelite men and eaten the food of the Babylonians when they were first exiled there. Yet Daniel would not be defiled!! He would not give in and look like the rest of the world! And as Gina said last night, it's because of this radical life of obedience that God was able to shine His light through Daniel into a secular world.

I want to be like Jesus in every way possible. But it's so hard. It's so easy to make small compromises. So what if I have a complaining heart about work? I only complain in my mind and to my husband. What's the big deal? Or so what if I tolerate a little bit of lust? It's in secret. It's private. It doesn't impact anyone else. Or does it? Or so what if I'm lazy at work? I work hard at other times. I get my work done. Why does it matter?

Part of faith is taking God at His Word and believing that even if we don't see the negative consequences of sin (because a lot of times I really can't see why sin is so bad) there are negative impacts and I will choose to slay even the tiniest of violations of His Word and trust Him. And if I want more of His presence in my life, then how can I tolerate anything, ANYTHING!! that He says will get in the way of my communion with Him?!?!

If I am at all serious about Jesus, I will be serious about my sin.

I will be serious about fleeing from it and surrendering every area of my life (my thoughts, my speech, my actions) to Him.

And God is working on my heart. Just last week (can't remember if I already blogged this) I was TOTALLY in the flesh and ranting to Kenny about work. My heart was filled with complaints and I poured them out to him indiscriminately because hey it's my right to say whatever's on my mind right? And he's a strong Christian. He can take my complaining and it won't stumble him and it's not like he works with me right? But after I finished my mini tirade, I felt some serious conviction of the Holy Spirit and I felt so much remorse in my heart that in my complaining I was so wrong. I have never felt such remorse over complaining before as I have always felt like it's my right to say what I think when I'm in the privacy of my home. And it wasn't just what I said, but it was the heart behind it too.

Here I am, at this job that I prayed and cried out to the Lord for over the course of FOUR YEARS. I begged Him for a job in social services, a job that I would find meaningful. And here I am, in this job that supports a cause I SO believe in and so perfectly caters to my strengths, and what am I doing? I AM COMPLAINING. Like the Israelites, I am finding all the things that are WRONG and airing my complaints not just to Kenny... but to the Lord. And not just against DOH... but against the God who gave me this job. So much more than the words I say, the problem is the attitude of my heart, the thoughts that fill my mind as I rehash all the frustrations I've been having.

And it's okay to be frustrated. There have definitely been some injustices and things that can be improved, but what do I do with those thoughts? Do I take them to the Lord and ask Him to address them? Am I willing to, with God's okay, go to my boss with my frustrations and share with him directly what's been bothering me so much? Or do I just stew and complain and have short-sighted perspective?

Anyway that was a total tangent, but God convicted me so deeply of my wrong in my complaints and there are really few times I can recall when I have felt like that before.

Then there's the Pharisee in me that says but wait!!! I do so many other things right!! Complaining is such a TINY sin. Why is it such a big deal when I live submitted in so many other areas of my life?

But then it comes back to that one question that's been burning on my mind: How much do I want Jesus?

And how much do I want to be used by Him?

Because sin, even the tiniest sin, gets in the way of my fellowship with Jesus. And though God can still use me and still loves me unconditionally, do I want Him enough that I will get rid of anything standing in between Him and me?

So I just wrote a whole post a couple days ago which kind of captured it, but I’ve been thinking a lot about friendships and change and what it means to endure in relationships even when they are difficult. I think God has been speaking to that area of my life and working on my heart to grow me in love.

I think too He’s been showing me that my love is so small, even when it comes to the people I purport to love. Only He can grow my heart and make me someone who truly loves.

My love is so limited. I will “love” to a certain point, i.e., be friendly, small talk, help out a little, but there is definitely a limit to how far I’m willing to go with other people. It’s like I stop right at the point of being friendly acquaintances/casual friends and for the most part don’t dare to move past that stage.

Why is that?

For me at least, I think a big part of it is personality. For so long I deceived myself into thinking I was an extrovert because let’s face it, as a kid being an E is sooo much cooler. And yes, I was always pretty friendly and I can step it up and drive a convo if I need to, but me, an E? Puh-leaseee. There’s no way even when I was in high school/college. I just wanted to desperately to be that social, fun person that draws people in. But honestly when I realized later that I was actually TOTALLY an introvert, it was actually very freeing. Finally I knew why I couldn’t pull off meeting up with people multiple times every day of the week like my more extroverted friends. It wasn’t because I was less loving or less Christian, it just wasn’t how I was wired. And when I had a better understanding of my wiring and limitations, I think it helped me live a more reasonable life.

Now I think in high school/college life, there’s a lot of I’s trying to pull off being E because like I said, it’s just SOO much cooler. But then something switched either as a young adult or when all this introvert pride literature started coming out over the past few years (I think it’s both) and suddenly it’s like I-ness is totally a cool thing too. I think also as you mature you come into your own and stop trying as much to be things that you’re not. But suddenly it’s like being I is supreme and guess what it’s TOTALLY okay to hermit out in my room or only spend time with my sig other and cut off the rest of my community.

While I think it is good to embrace who we are and see the upsides of our own God-given personality, I think it’s also totally NOT okay for us to use personality as an excuse for not loving, not being a part of community, not trying hard with other people. In order for me to love and be like Christ, I need to fight off my tendency to only think about me: my comfort, my energy levels, my time. Because I am an “I,” or perhaps just because I’m human, it is so hard for me to make space in my life for other people.

I am TOTALLY that person at work that only has 1-2 work friends and keeps everyone else at arm’s length because I just don’t like being bothered. It’s not that I don’t have time, it’s just that I’d rather sit here quietly at my computer than go out to lunch with everyone or join in on playing ping pong or that sort of thing. And in my mind I justify it and think well all these people are Christians so you know it’s not as important for me to make friends as it would be if I were at another type of workplace. But who am I kidding? At my last job for the most part I was the same.

And at church… at church I have to fight SO HARD sometimes to put myself out there and be social. I struggle to introduce myself to new people or go deep with less new ones. A lot of times it’s so hard for me to open up with people because I just don’t really want to or sometimes even see the point of it. And life group/small group, etc. Ugh. I feel like saying “don’t even get me started!” But it is so hard sometimes to drag myself there and I often feel like (at least initially) that it’s going to be a waste, so what’s the point? Even lunch after service can be a drag and I have to convince myself to go and participate in lunchtime festivities. (Luckily having an extroverted husband helps though as he’s almost always down for some activity.)

So basically what I’m saying is that it goes against my nature to love and connect with (most) people. And it’s probably not just an I thing, I’m sure there are ways E’s struggle with loving too. But what I find is that when I do die to myself, when I do force myself to hang out/reach out/go deeper, a lot of the times God does meet me there and I leave thinking either “that wasn’t that bad” or surprisingly “that was actually pretty great!” It’s just that initial surge against the flesh that takes effort and a lot of Holy Spirit help.

A fellow introvert posted this Tim Challies blog which I found very insightful: The Christian Introvert.

The post isn’t long, but here the parts that spoke to me most:

I believe that God made me introverted. It seems clear that some of us are naturally more outgoing while others are naturally inclined to be quiet. I am naturally quiet and this is part of God’s good design.

…we inhabit a world of sin where any trait or quality can be used for God-glorifying ends or for self-glorifying ends. Not only that, but God calls us to be always willing to deny our desires in order to serve others. Both introverts and extroverts will face particular temptations to sin. My temptation as an introvert is to run away from people instead of serve people. It is to be selfish instead of giving.

The Christian life is a life of self-denial. It is a life of saying, “Even thoughthis may be what I want, duty compels me to do something different.” There are many times when I am to deny my own desires in order to serve others. Even the desire to be alone.

I have no right to crave introverted solitude. Rather, the gospel compels me to deny even that trait and all its desires in order to serve other people. I am introverted, but this does not give me a different calling in life than the gregarious Christian.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not a hermit or anything and I have a handful of people I choose to keep in contact with and who I feel I can honestly share myself with, and I don’t think we need to be best friends with everyone, but we do need to love everyone, love those we come in contact with. When I come in contact with people, do they leave having experienced at least a small part of Jesus’ love for them? Do they leave feeling like they matter and knowing that they’re important?

Jesus focused a good amount of His energy on the 12, and even within the 12 disciples, He had His inner circle, but I’m certain that every person Jesus came across He loved. Yes, even the Pharisees and others who opposed Him in a strange way were loved (kind of what I described the other day with His firm stance against sin).

I haven’t written here in so long. I’m still debating whether or not to move platforms to Blogspot or something as Tumblr doesn’t really seem like a traditional blogging venue anymore. Will have to investigate... though who am I kidding? I’m also super lazy and I’ve been on this Tumblr for 5+ years already.

So I have many blog posts that have been brewing in my mind. I feel like my husband as we have a running joke that he should Tweet out names of blogs he will never write. He’ll always make comments about how he should write about some matter (usually a spiritual one... I know, surprise surprise haha) and then we’ll “hashtag” it #blogsthatkennywillneverwrite.

Here’s my attempt at getting some thoughts down on a topic that’s been on my mind for quite a while now:

Friendships

Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships, namely the friendship kind. And how marriage is truly a life-transforming relationship because you can’t or at least not supposed to quit marriage. But friendships, people quit them all the time. And are all friendships meant to last the ages? No, probably not. And should they? No, I think there are times when it’s okay to let the flame die. But I also feel like there are other friendships that we are often too quick to give up on due to conflict or change.

What got me thinking is that there are a few major friendships in my life that are enduring change. What has changed? Upon investigation, I realized the main agent of change has been, well, me. I like to think I’ve changed/grown a lot in the past couple years primarily due to dating and marrying Kenny, but also due to the Lord growing and changing me.

I think the biggest area of change is that I’m a lot bolder now and more willing to have opinions in the first place, and second to share them even if I know they could cause offense or conflict. I think this came about primarily through being a companion to Kenny (who is outspoken and opinionated at times and yes sometimes possibly enjoys it a little too much haha) and also through studying Jesus in the book of Matthew a couple years ago. Jesus Himself, though supremely loving, was also someone who called people out. He had no qualms about challenging others (in love of course) when it came to issues of sin that hindered people from growing closer to God.

And that really is why He called people out. Because He realized sin meant roadblocks between His people and Him and He didn’t want ANYTHING hindering that relationship. (Which reminds me of another brewing post: “So what’s so great about holiness?”)

So especially in one friendship (I’m sure you’ll know who you are when you read this and we can discuss more... haha) I’ve been getting more and more vocal about not just big things, but small things too, and I’ve realized it’s changed the dynamic and it’s sometimes uncomfortable and not fun and sometimes I leave feeling frustrated and I’m sure the converse is true even moreso. Because of the increase of conflict, on both ends at times it might seem easier just to decide that things have changed and this is just getting too hard and maybe we should push away from each other for a bit. And I guess that’s when I realized why marriage is so transformative. Because you can’t leave. When one party changes for better or worse and it requires both people to mature and grow and give grace and bend and even break, marriage means you stick it out until one or both of you change and things aren’t so rough anymore! Whereas friendship... friendships are a little easier to abandon.

But leaving difficult friendships means we rob ourselves of the opportunity to change. We forgo the chance to love when it gets tough, to love when we disagree, to give up sins that ensnare, to humble ourselves when it’s our pride and condemnation getting in the way. We rob ourselves of love. Yes, the receipt of it, but also the opportunity to give it even when it’s hard.

Again, I’m not saying we need to cling to every friendship we have, but I think God will highlight certain relationships where He wants us to endure and cry and struggle and pray and not give up with the hope that He will eventually turn the tides (usually as He gives the grace to mature/change) and make everything okay.

Yes I have gotten bolder and more aware of things that bother me, but just because I’ve grown in that one area doesn’t mean I’m supremely right and that’s it for growth in me. No. I need to continue growing and allowing God to grow me in grace and humility, love, and the act of covering. I need Him to give me eyes to see people as He sees them. Yes, I am a better friend if I am not permissive and am willing to do what the Bible says and correct in love, but I’m actually not a good friend at all if I let that realization of another's shortcoming lead me to pride and condemnation.

And what about the converse? Am I conversely open to correction? Because up until this point I have definitely been the type to run from those who correct me. Recently looking back at my junior year college journal, I wanted to slap myself because I ran so hard from people who were trying to correct me and confront my relationship idolatry (thankfully the Lord killed that one by force later on!). Looking at those entries I want to yell at myself “Listen to them-- they’re speaking the truth! Stop running!!!”

So I confess. I have too been a relationship quitter. It’s definitely the easier way, but in the end what do we miss out on by quitting?

When I think about Jesus, I often think about Ms. A because she is the most tangible version of Jesus I can think of. When I think of both, I see their relentless zeal for the truth and righteousness, but even more than that, their tremendous love for God and people.

In the short year I’ve been at DOH, I’ve heard a good amount of stories from Ms. A about correction, and have also gotten to see her in action first hand. The thing is, though people are often initially upset with Ms. A for confronting their sin, the vast majority of them eventually really do listen and try to soften their hearts because they realize from all the experiences they’ve had with her prior to that instance, she loves them SO SO much. She’s called people out on many different things: pride, unforgiveness, sexual sin, a sharp tongue, just to name a few. And like I said, from the small to the large things, people eventually listen because they KNOW deep down that she loves them sooooooo much.

So in the end, yes, it’s cool that I’m not such a doormat anymore, but are my boldness and corrections coming out of love? And how is my love? Do I truly truly love others? To the point where my stomach hurts (as Ms. A) says? To the point where I want the absolute best for them? To the point where I have zero regard for myself and lay my lives down for them? Do I truly consider them better than me? Are they always on my mind? Because a lot of times the only person on my mind is myself...

My loves falls so so short. And that’s just with my friends and family, the people I openly say that I love!

Oh that God would help me grow in love and grace. Oh that He would make me more like His Son!

D.A. Carson (For the Love of God)