.⋆ ASH. ✮

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you should have been happy. elated even. behind were the days when life seemed like just an inconvenience to get through, when you spent your days in a sort of haze, a blur, as if you were watching a black and white movie with no plot and no substance - just an empty collection of scenes.

you had friends now. real ones. the kind of people you could trust and rely on. that was a luxury you weren’t about to take for granted after what seemed like a lifetime of perpetual loneliness.

and you had a girlfriend. a wonderful, beautiful, funny, earnest girlfriend. there are not enough words in the entirety of the english language to describe all the little things you saw in her. megan was everything you’ve been dreaming about for all these aimless years, life has never been as vivid, as it was with her around.

you had to physically hold yourself back from giving yourself up to her completely, as it hasn’t even been that long and the poor girl would probably get scared and run away, if you were to fully let go. the big l word was yet to be said by either of you, but you could already feel its effects coursing through your veins, flooding your whole body with its vigor.

but something in your chest still felt heavy, as if you were slowly descending to the bottom of a lake, your lungs filled to the brim with water, unable to scream or even whisper for help. never in the forthfront, but always just tangible enough to weigh onto even the happiest of moments.

this was all you could think about with the music blasting loudly right into your ears, feeling the hot air moving to the beat all around you. megan, and you were yet to go to a party as a couple up to this day. some may say it was long overdue, though you had wished for it never to have happened at all.

however you knew how important this was to megan. the look of excitement she had while showing you off to her friends, it was genuine, no matter how awkward the interactions themselves went.

it’s like all these people could smell your otherness from a mile away, your lack of ambition and desire to be famous, which, to be fair, were both uncommon characteristics in these parts. you could see the visible confusion set into their expressions as megan introduced you as her partner, the question of how someone like you even managed to cross paths with her, let alone get into a relationship, hung in the air the whole time, not making it any easier for you to blend in.

though it’s not like you expected something else to happen, having lived in the city for so long and being thoroughly familiar with these kinds of personalities. earnestly, you were the most surprised out of anyone at you, ending up with a popstar for a girlfriend, and one so kind and dedicated as megan. so far out of your league.

and just like that, a memory of meeting the chinese girl for the first time had flashed before your eyes.

you had gotten a job as a production assistant on a set of one of katseye’s music videos by complete accident, filling in for an acquaintance, who had unexpectedly gotten sick and had to find a replacement on very short notice.

not having been very familiar with katseye, you didn’t know what to expect, but out of everyone, megan had caught your eye immediately, because of course she did. the energy she radiated felt warm and alive. she was a joy to work with and to sneak glances at. never in a million years would you have thought that you had any kind of chance with her. but it seems the universe was smiling down upon you that day, as megan had unexpectedly decided to join you and a few other crewmates in getting a drink after wrapping.

and it was as though the barrier of celebrity/regular person didn’t exist at all. she spoke so freely with everyone, including you - a hedgehog manifested as a person - not caring for the difficulty with which you shared any kind of information. and when the night was coming to a close, megan made the first move and asked for your number, managing to make you ever so flustered in the process.

you thought back to that day with increasing frequency, when all the terrible thoughts of being unworthy of anything good were particularly persistent. “she was the one that initiated,” you told yourself, not that it really helped. especially in this moment, choking on the smell of sweat of a bunch of social climbers. hotter, more driven, and way more fun kind of people. they were everything you weren’t, everything you were scared of losing megan to.

just the thought and the general entourage made you sick to your stomach. figuratively and physically, as you could feel it churning, causing you increasing levels of discomfort, especially paired with the overwhelming sight of the lights blinking and the feeling of being perceived in a very vulnerable position, crawling under your skin.

it didn’t help that as the night went on, the people around you were getting increasingly more drunk, increasingly uncoordinated and unbothered, whereas you were feeling in the exact opposite way, not having had any drinks to help smooth out this experience.

you tried to become smaller, insignificant enough to not be noticed, but megan dragged you everywhere with her, not wanting to leave you alone with too many people you didn’t know and weren’t comfortable with.

and she was right to do that, she knew exactly how to, in theory, make this easier for you, but in practice, hanging around your chatty charismatic girlfriend just made it impossible to stay low-key. the need to smile and pretend like everything was fine, was eating you from the inside rapidly and painfully. you couldn’t bear it for much longer.

just as the feeling of being overwhelmed had started to make it impossible to keep thoughts of anything else in your head, you felt someone making physical contact with your shoulder, and a sudden coldness piercing your chest immediately after as the cup of soda you were holding had spilled all over your shirt as the result of the impact.

“oh my god,” the woman who had bumped into you let out a gasp, “i'm so sorry, i can find some napkins or–” you could see that she meant well, but the limited supply of patience you were running on prior to the incident, had all run out by that point.

“don’t bother,” you didn’t let the woman finish speaking, opting to turn towards your girlfriend instead. there was an obvious look of confusion plastered on her face, as she knew it was very unlike you to snap at people like that. the version of you that she knew was sweet and docile, not at all similar to the person she saw in that moment – unnecessarily angry and bitter.

“i’m going to the bathroom,” the words had come out of your mouth dry, not trying to smooth anything over, not making an effort to be polite. you didn’t have the strength to conceal anything anymore, instead focusing all of it into making your way towards the nearest restroom as fast as you could manage, while praying to anyone who might’ve been listening, for it to not be occupied. and someone must’ve, as you faced no resistance upon pushing the door open.

breathe in. breathe out. breathe in. breathe out.

it’s funny how such a seemingly small incident had you cleanly off whatever balance you had going on before. it all went far out the window the moment you felt the stickiness of the drink hitting your skin and the smell of it flying up your nostrils at rapid speed.

you were done. so done. angry at everything and everyone, but most importantly, yourself. all of this was your fault. all of the frustration - the result of your pathetic attempts to seem okay, to not disappoint megan, to look normal around all these strangers, to not let your insecurities take over. you failed at all of these things. why did you even think to try? all you did was make things worse. make a joke out of yourself.

breathe in. breathe out. breathe in. breathe out.

using cold water to wash away the residue and to freshen up the pitiful look in your eyes, you tried to mitigate the situation, but the feeling of being on the brink of breaking into uncontrollable sobs wouldn’t leave no matter how hard you tried. in fact, it had only gotten stronger with your attempts to take a glance at yourself in the bathroom mirror.

the more you tried to pull yourself together, the more it was becoming obvious that there was no way you could return to the party and pretend that everything was okay again, as even in the absence of good lighting, surely, people would notice the dishevelled look on your face. megan would notice.

at least you hoped she would, even though all the instincts in your body were screaming to not let her see, that it would only make her realize that you were too broken to consider keeping, too messed up to fall in love with.

but if the two of you were to stay together, this and many other things had to be addressed sooner rather than later, as the front you’ve been putting up would not hold up for much longer. hell, in that exact moment, it certainly wasn’t holding up, and you had no evidence to convince yourself that it will again. besides, megan wasn’t stupid, if anything she has already probably noticed how it would take you forever to text back almost every time and how you disappear off everyone’s radar sometimes under the pretense of having a lot of work to do, knowing damn well that that wasn’t the main reason for you becoming distant.

things would just keep piling on, but today wasn’t the day for you to come clean. and tomorrow probably wasn’t either.

upon finally leaving the bathroom, all you could feel was an enormous desire to go home, to run away from this place as fast as you could possibly manage it. it was certainly the easier route out of the ones available, and you were in no fighting spirit, especially seeing megan have fun without you in the distance. so you made a run for it.

coming out of the building you could feel the fresh air finally hit your lungs and it's like it renewed something inside you, almost making you regret bailing on this party, but the heaviness in your chest still served as a reminder of your true strength, or more like the lack of it.

only upon getting into an uber did you finally find the courage to text megan, making sure she knew where you went. and to no surprise, you had found that she had already left several worried messages.

you knew at that moment that whatever you were doing wasn’t right, wasn’t the best course of action in any way, but you did it regardless, knowing that you’d have to deal with the consequences, knowing that you were at a risk of losing everything you worked so hard to get. but some sick part of you thought that it would only be easier this way, because if nobody cares for you, then there’s nobody to disappoint.

just as you thought, waking up free of the escalated emotions you felt the night before had made you want to crawl into yourself and never come out all over again. with no fight or flight instinct yelling in the back of your head, it all seemed so ridiculous, like even in absence of alcohol you had found a way to fall under the influence of your feelings, and you were now experiencing the sensation of the same kind of bitter aftertaste tingling on your tongue.

but alas, you had to find a way to get out of this hole you’ve dug for yourself, instead of trying to get a coffin down there to finally seal the deal.

it didn’t help that this was the last day before the girls were supposed to leave the country for work again, and it would be a while before the two of you would have an opportunity to talk it out properly, once they do.

you loathed texting with all of your being, but not wanting to wake up megan in case she was still sleeping (as was her right), you begrudgingly opened your messages once again.

there was not a world in which you believed that megan had fallen for the joke of an excuse you gave her the night before. though going off of that fact only confused you further. would she scold you in person? did your exit really not bother her (which could not be true).

regardless, you were still happy to see her again, without all the invisible pressure you felt last night, weighing you down. even if she was seething with anger, if she was just about to break up with you, you would still like to see her, to be around her. like one of a sunflower, your gaze was always only on her - your sun, the most special girl in the entire world. the last thing you ever wanted to do was hurt her, and the shame from doing so would haunt you forever, even if she truly wasn’t that mad.

making your way up the stairs of megan’s apartment building, your heart was pumping, hands trembling, trying so desperately to not spill the coffee you had brought in for her. you would probably have a heart attack and die if you were to disappoint your lovely girlfriend any further at this point. this couldn’t be.

you knocked onto her door nervously, and seeing megan open it, you couldn’t be more surprised. she looked happy…? still wearing pajamas, and with her hair falling messily onto her face, you noticed the glint in her eyes when she first saw you.

“y/n!” the chinese girl exclaimed, “thank you so much, i was hoping you would bring some,” she said, taking the coffee from you. “i still haven’t packed at all. are you surprised? you can lie”

“ah yes, megan skiendiel, the person that never procrastinates. who are you, and what have you done to her?”

she giggled, almost choking on the coffee, “oh didn’t you get the memo? they replaced her with a clone to fulfill contractual obligations. it dances better, but procrastinates packing, isn’t that interesting?”

“well i know that's not true, cuz there’s no such thing as dancing better than megan.”

“aww really? even for dani?” your giggly girlfriend had tilted her head slightly, her big puppy-like eyes wholly focused on you.

“mhmmm… now let me think about that,” you said jokingly.

“oh how dare you!” megan put the hot drink aside in order to get closer to you.

still internally being in a state of waiting for her to slap you (no matter how illogical it was), you flinched slightly at the sudden movement, however the tension soon melted away, as megan had instead leaned in towards your lips, pulling them into a gentle kiss.

it was patient. firm, as the grip of her hands on the back of your neck. it was as though she was writing out words of reassurance with her tongue, letting you know that she wouldn’t leave. or at least that’s what you wanted to believe.

“what about now?” she teased, grinning from ear to ear.

“mhmm… i think i could be convinced,” you said as had only gotten closer, foreheads touching, you could feel megan’s breath graze your face.

“oh yeah?”

“yeah.”

she leaned down once more, using a little more force this time, letting more of the eagerness you were used to by now, seep through the kiss.

the two of you had spent the rest of that day together in the apartment. packing megan’s luggage, cooking and cleaning the kitchen after said cooking, doing boring mundane tasks that on their own didn’t offer any excitement to the table, but the enjoyment that you both got from each other’s company managed to cancel out all of that.

and especially after the horrible night you had yesterday, you felt more and more like megan was your home, your safe harbor, your person. the thought of spending weeks without her laid heavily on you. the love you knew you felt for her could not be contained for much longer, but in that moment you would just be dishonest to finally utter those sacred words to her, without acknowledging the elephant in the room. the one that’s been so suspiciously quiet all day.

before you knew it, the day was already steadily coming to a close, with you and megan deciding to order a pizza and continue watching the show you had started together. you still couldn’t believe that she was set to leave so soon. this was your last opportunity to have a talk before that happens. you’ve surely stalled enough now.

turning your head towards megan, you could see her already having snuggled up with a blanket on the couch, waiting for you to join. certainly the last thing you wanted to do was to disturb her peace, but if you’ve learned anything from this new era of life that included making connections and keeping them, it was that necessary communication often came at the cost of peace and quiet.

“meg,” the girl had turned her head towards you, “i want to tell you something.”

“okay…” megan’s voice sounded sure, but the concerned expression on her face still gave her away.

“i’m really sorry about last night. i really shouldn’t have just left you there like that. it was very wrong and i’ll never do that again, megan, i swear, it’s just…” you hesitated, still thinking over the explanation that wouldn’t make the poor girl run as far and as fast as possible, “… you know how my migraines get, but i still should’ve gone to you first. i’m so sorry.” and you still opted for the lie.

megan scooted over the couch to be closer to you, putting her hands onto your slouched shoulders, “hey, y/n, it’s fine, i already told you. you knew i had a ride lined up, and lara was with me. but i still appreciate you apologizing, babe. i’d love it if you at least asked me if we could go together next time, okay?” she pushed your head up in order to fully meet your gaze and placed a chaste kiss onto your lips, “you and your migraines are never a bother to me. do you understand?”

“yes, ma'am," the relief you felt had immediately made your body relax, “thank you… for understanding,”

i love you

you thought, but the words still would not come out. you still didn’t deserve it to even be able to say them, let alone to find out if she felt the same.

from that point on you couldn’t for the life of you pay attention to the show, only on the weight of megan’s head resting on your shoulder, the sound of her breath slowing as she was falling asleep.

never in your life have you been this happy before. never in your life have you had this much to lose.

in the time megan was gone, time did not fly by. not at all. as the two of you had found it almost impossible to coordinate a call or even regularly text while residing in complete opposite timezones and with how busy megan was.

it was torture. pure, unadulterated torture. as if a part of your heart was ripped out and the empty space left behind ached relentlessly, chest painfully caving in in order to fill the void.

you’ve never felt this exposed and vulnerable. this dependent on someone other than yourself. this crazy, quite frankly, as every time you saw a fancam of megan from her time away or a tiktok, literally anything, it set you into an incredibly irrational spiral of sadness. it didn’t make any sense whatsoever the way you felt, the depth of your distress, and the thought of it, perhaps being one-sided plagued your brain.

surely, this wasn’t normal. surely, as soon as megan realized how insanely clingy you were, she’d lose all interest at once. surely, you weren’t the right fit for her life, as this would be far from the last time she’d have to leave.

luckily, the time for the girls to come back to la was nearing, and as soon as they did, you and megan had plans to go on a little getaway, a day trip to the beach. just you and her. daydreams of these plans were perhaps the only thing keeping you together for that last stretch of time before her arrival.

when it finally came, you drove up to the studio, as the plan was to pick megan up after a morning rehearsal and to head right to your destination.

your heart had almost popped out of your chest out of excitement when you saw her finally walk out of there, and the joy that spread across her face when she finally saw you too, standing next to your car with a small bouquet of flowers in hand.

“heyyy, y/n,” the chinese girl exclaimed, running right into your arms so hard that you almost lost balance, “i missed you so much, you don’t even know.”

“i missed you too, megs, so so so much,” you said, while pulling her impossibly closer.

you kind of just stood there out in the open for a few minutes, not caring if anyone walked past and saw. none of that has ever mattered less to you than at that moment.

“ahh, let’s go, babe, time is ticking,” megan said, reluctantly withdrawing from the hug, “but once we’re there you’re not getting away from me, you hear me?”

“wouldn’t dream of it.” you replied, sensing the blush coming onto your face, feeling lucky that your girlfriend wasn’t looking in your direction when it happened. still delusional about how oblivious megan was about how much of a mess she made out of you, though logically, you knew you weren’t nearly sneaky enough with it.

at last, now you were driving and all was right in the world again, and you could finally let go of the survival mindset and live a little, take in the moment and enjoy it, which you did, precisely up to the point when you remembered the discussion that was still yet to be had with megan, and a tint of gray had once again went over your whole view of the world.

and there were these thoughts again. so redundant, and at this point, useless. regardless of the importance of that future conversation, in a way, you were more mad at yourself for not being able to just be happy, ever. there was always something wrong, some storm cloud looming over your parade, no matter the forecast.

and with megan - a person made of sunshine and rainbows - you couldn’t help but feel like the party pooper, the loser that didn’t deserve her. oh, and here we go again, feeling unable to stop this infinite loop of self-deprecation from happening, only strengthening it further and further and further…

it made you withdraw emotionally, in desperate attempts to hide all the ugliness from megan, to not let it affect her. the whole day you tried and tried and tried but sitting down on the beach, watching the sunset together, with the day already coming to a close you knew you had failed miserably.

“y/n,” megan let out a sigh, gently lifting her head off your shoulder, “we need to talk.” cold shivers had gone down your body at those words, “you’ve been acting so distant lately, and i just wanted to ask you what’s wrong. i know i wasn’t able to be present for you for so long, and this is still relatively new, so i understand if it makes you want to pull out, but–”

“no, no, no, megan, no, i’m so sorry, and it’s not your fault at all i–” you could feel the tears welling up in your eyes. this was horrible. if only you had this discussion sooner, then megan wouldn’t have to blame herself for something that wasn’t her fault in the slightest, “i’m sorry i didn’t tell you this before, but you remember when we went to a party, right before you went to korea? i lied, i didn’t have a headache, i was just really overwhelmed, it was all too much i couldn’t– i couldn’t bear anymore, and when you were gone i missed you so fucking much, i thought i was going insane, but i didn’t tell you that enough because i thought it’ll scare you away and–”

“what? y/n, baby, i love you,” you finally managed to look her in the eyes and saw how red and teary they were, “i should’ve said it sooner, but i do, and i’d never judge you for any of this.”

and it’s like the floodgates had opened for both of you, as all you could respond with were sobs, while clutching megan’s hands in yours, as if someone was just about to come in and steal her away from you.

“i love you too, megan, i love you so much it hurts. my head is so messed up sometimes, and i really tried to make it stop and hide it, but i just can’t. i’m sorry, mei, i love you.”

“stop saying you’re sorry, you stupid idiot,” you heard the girl say, before feeling yourself being roughly pulled into a kiss. and it wasn’t gentle, it wasn’t slow. megan had grabbed onto your hair so hard you could’ve sworn you saw stars. packed full of emotions and tasting of tears, the kiss had communicated all that you needed to know, all the hesitation and fear, all the absurdity of the situation. and once you had finally detached from each other to get some air, you couldn’t help but to smile the widest you ever have, for once feeling relieved of all the burdens you’ve been carrying for so long.

“next time, we should just talk right away and not wait, you know?” megan teased.

“now that would be easier, wouldn’t it? you’re a genius.”

“of course i am, babe, cuz i was smart enough to go to that wrap party and bag you!”

“stop it right now, or i’m gonna cry again,” megan tried to say more, but it was your turn now to shut her up with a kiss. and something was telling you that there were many more of these instances in the future.