medic

Since my early days on the internet, I have kept a file where where I record phrases that people have said on the internet that have really razed my hackles.

“Thanks for your inciteful comments”

Are you thanking me for starting a flame war?

“Right of passage”

This is what you have when you’re a pedestrian in a crosswalk.

“Free reign”

Sometimes the monarch offers you a 100% discount.

“Slight of hand”

They’re very dainty hands.

“Doesn’t phase me”

Some people might be turned incorporeal in situations like this, but not me.

“Sight your sources”

They’re beautiful sources. Gaze upon them and appreciate their splendor.

“This peaked my interest”

Now that my interest is at the summit, it can only go down.

“Rein supreme”

The horse is in charge now.

“For all intensive purposes”

These purposes are quite vigorous

“Deep seeded”

I’m sowing six feet deep.

“Wet your appetite”

I’m very well-hydrated before dinner.

“Mute point”

I’m going to articulate this entirely using gestures.

“I’m honing in on your location”

You probably went through a lot of whetstones on the way here.

“Baited breath”

The opposite of bad breath: it’s such a pleasant odor that few can resist its allure.

“For piece of mind”

Young Frankenstein’s assistant should have been willing to pay for this instead of stealing a brain from the university laboratory.

“Sneak peak”

Sometimes those summits can really catch you off guard.

“Tow the line”

I assume this is what tugboat operators do.

“Reek havoc”

Sometimes a stench is terrible enough to cause chaos.

“per say”

You owe me performance royalties for using that phrase. I charge $50 per say.

“Cease the day”

This happens earlier in the winter, especially after Daylight Saving Time ends in November.

“One foul swoop”

Not to be confused with a fowl swoop, this one is probably up to no good.

“Tongue and cheek”

A match made in heaven.

“Cold slaw”

You should keep your shredded cabbage in the fridge after adding the mayo.

“Here, here!”

I’m paying close attention to the location of the applause.

“Safety deposit box”

Where we keep our OSHA-compliant gear.

“I don’t want to take this for granite.”

Of course not, it’s clearly bismuth.

“Tenants of the faith”

I’m pretty sure it’s a violation of city code for a non-residential church building to charge rent.

“Coming down the pipe”

You don’t want to know what’s in the plumbing.

“Pallet cleanser”

The forklift operator is expected to use this to keep things sanitary.

“Extract revenge”

I’m going to attack my nemesis using this syringe.

“Statue of limitations”

Carved marble can last a very long time before expiring.

“Case and point”

I’ll case the joint, then gesture with my finger to draw your attention to anything suspicious.

“Chalk-full”

Rock climbers carry bags that are like this.

“I’m going to pour over the data”

Please don’t spill your coffee on spreadsheets.

“That’s just an old wise tale”

You shouldn’t be so dismissive of elderly wisdom!

“Jerry-rigged”

Old Jeremiah is always up to funny business.

“Don't give me short shift”

If you're getting paid by the hour, you don't want your employer to send you home early.

“This peeked my interests”