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Had Surgery™ on the day of my 29th Birthday (!), also the first time I have ever left the U.K. to another country or been on a plane. It was all very intense. Afterwards I was so happy but I was also told 'okay, things may be really hard for you now in ways you weren't expecting, try and be ready for it' by both the professionals and other trans people, and had no idea what they could possible mean??

I think Cassie LaBelle's term 'repersonalization' is the best way I've found to explain it? (As an explicitly trans phenomenon). Basically when you reach a point of acceptance and peace (however you get there), but it's like 'oh I think I feel weird because I realised I was trans aged 10, then I tried to get help and [Error: Memories from age 10-25 not found. Reason: Survival Shutdown Mode Initiated.] It's like you sort of black out, and then come to finding out you're already well underway with a life you've been holding on to but not really living?

A friend described it as suddenly existing and having an 'oh my god I'm real, now what do I want to be when I grow up!?' feeling - but a lot of life has already happened and you have to process the things you've missed and the things you haven't experienced, plus work out how to move forwards into a life you actually want? Or - you've got to face all of the pain that you didn't even know was there because your brain had shut it all out? Or - okay now you're actually here, and you want to live. Now what? How do you do that? Too much to write here!

On top of all of that & physical healing (speedrun time!) I came back to the U.K. just in time for the supreme court ruling. Tried to write something for this, failed (I can't believe how far things have gone in this country). Luckily for me I had a kinda rare complication: retrograde amnesia baby!! All my memories for 6 months before surgery and about 2 months after it are totally! gone! Which is beyond weird because normally my memory is super good and something I rely on a lot. Why did it happen? Nobody seems to know! (Best guess: something something trauma) Will I get any of those memories back? Probably not! I've adjusted now but suuuuper weird.

I had this moment in winter where I sort of sat down and looked at how bad I'd let my life get before it - how even when everyone was fundraising for me I didn't believe it was real or happening because I knew I wouldn't be able to survive if it didn't happen so I just told myself it wasn't, but then it did (surprised Pikachu face). I'd also been putting up with some gross/weird behaviour and crazy living situation stuff (blah blah). I tried to do a Masters degree because I was trying to cram all of human experience in my mouth in one go, but I couldn't balance it with caring and with how bad our living situation was, which was a big crushing thing, but I was just trying to do too much way too quickly.

Decided to go offline for a bit and spend as long as it takes to really start turning things around. I said I wouldn't come back until I'd:

processed that fundraising/surgery were real and happened

made a plan to fix life now that I'm fully here

learned to drive/got a licence to make life accessible for H again

bought/fixed up a car (see above)

got out of our horrible living situation and found H a single story, ground floor accessible house

sorted out all of the legal documents I need post surgery

started working on making the life I actually want for myself (learning to balance caring and survivng with maybe some hobbies and routines etc. ??)

profit!