You don't get a say in what brings other people joy. Anyone who told you otherwise has lied to you.

No matter what I’m the villain.

When you see me you see the people who hurt you.

I’m the placeholder, the scapegoat, the voodoo doll for your painful memories.

When you see me you don’t hear me for who I am.

You hear the echoes of those before me and treat me as they would have deserved.

You see the responses and reactions from being treated this way.

You don’t verbalize any understanding of the effects of your actions.

You don’t see me.

You don’t see someone who pushed themselves beyond their breaking point to try and ease your pain.

You don’t see the man who gave so much grace in hopes of a shred of love.

You don’t see the frustrations and anger of living within double standards.

You don’t see the light leaving my eyes as I ignore my own needs in hope of avoiding another triggering episode for you.

You don’t see my anger and my tears and my hopelessness.

The panic attacks and the lonely outbursts.

The self-blame and numbing I’ve endured to love someone who took and took and demanded yet couldn’t give back.

You don’t see choke marks in my heart from your unrelenting grip.

You don’t see the pain of loving someone who pushed you away to protect themselves from their own past.

You don’t see me as I am.

I’m just a placeholder for you.

I’m just an outlet and sponge for your traumas.

You don’t see the man inside who’s looking to be loved and cared for.

You don’t see me.

As I am.

I really am trying my best and I feel like the harder I try the more it backfires on me.

I and I listen

I get told I’m not listening or doing something right once again.

I get a lecture from anger and disregulation

While I’m asked to keep my composure.

The smallest misstep and I become the problem 100%

I sit and I listen

With my feelings churning in my stomach

Pushing them down to make room for yours

I sit and I listen intently and carefully.

Not to accidentally misstep

I sit and I listen with knives in my throat while I’m reminded of another mistake of mine.

I stare at hazelnut eyes while I wade in their honey hoping for a refuge of love

I remember how they looked at me so kindly and brightly

I sit

I listen

I recap

I shove my thoughts and feelings down

I choke on my words and tune out everything internal and external and that isn’t your words.

I sit and I listen to words from your heart watching as you beg with your body to be heard and entrusted within mine.

I sit

While I tend to wounds from before me

And I listen while I’m told how I’m supposed to fix them

I sit and listen to stories of your tumultuous life

I sit

I listen

With glossy eyes.

Tired from another weeks labor

Begging to be seen as the tired and burnt out man in front of you.

Praying that once we’re done with your heart I can have mine tended to.

I sit

I listen

But the time for me never comes

Inside, as I tell myself maybe next time we’ll have space for me, all my hope slowly fades

I sit

I listen

Knives in my throat

Arms stretched out

Rosy cheeks

Red and puffy eyes

Patiently waiting

For my turn to be heard

I sit

And I listen

and say I understand

As you keep telling me not today.

I sit.

I listen.

While I hope for love

Or tenderness

Or hope

Understanding

Affection

Empathy

Compassion

Appreciation

Or a gentle reminder of my efforts being seen

As I hear your ailments

I sit and listen that once again my hearts words will have to wait another day